Why I write

I remember when I first learned about the magic of words. It was in first grade reading circle that I discovered that they had the power to carry me to another world.

In that same first grade class where I leaned the magic of words, I struggled with 9 minus 2. I remember one particular day struggling with a math paper at my desk when Kathy Kawamura sidled by and said with a smirk…….”You aren’t done yet?” I can still see the expression on her face, and I can still feel the burning humiliation of that moment.

Learning in general has never been easy for me. I struggle with comprehension. Sometimes I have to read a paragraph or a concept over and over again until it starts to click in my brain. And math……Math and I have a long and tortuous history. Best to skip over that one.

But stringing words together? That was my salvation. Still is.

In sixth grade I learned that not only could I transport myself to another place by reading, I could transport someone else to another place with my own words. In high school, all my hopes and dreams, crushes and angst were chronicled in a little black book.

It was a release for me then, and it’s a release for me now.

I believe God gives each of us at least one thing we don’t have to struggle with, one thing that comes effortless, that gives us peace. Writing has been that thing for me. It’s like a perfectly fitting glove for my soul. It doesn’t matter if I am any good at it, I just know I have to do it. Like breathing.

And if not a soul except God ever sees it? I’ll still do it. It’s my way of making sense out of the world around me. Somehow it’s always been important to me to make sure that moments are not lost, because every moment matters.

It occurs to me that not everyone feels the need to chronicle a walk they just went on, but I always have. That compulsion alone is what makes me a writer.

Not because I am any good at it.

Not because hundreds of people will read it.

Not because I will gain any notoriety because of it.

I write simply because I am doing what God made me to do.

Capturing what I see and feel, what I think about God, and everything He’s made, what He whispers in my ear is a form of worship. I believe God has given us all at least one gift, one thing that comes easy, because He knows how hard the rest will be.

Our highest calling is to do that one thing for His glory.

And never ever stop no matter what anyone tells you.

Bible verses that make you go……Hmmm.

Have you ever been sailing along, happily reading through Scripture, when you get snagged on a verse? You read it over and over, and yeah, by golly it still says the same thing. I was in my prayer room this morning happily flipping through different passages when this happened to me. Here is what I read:

Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. Hebrews 10:32-35

Do you see it? The line jumped out at me, in fact it was like one of those speed bumps in the parking lot you sail over when you’re not really paying attention. “Joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property.” I don’t know about you, but if anyone came to confiscate my property I would not be joyful about it. I would be shrieking, “Mine, mine, mine!” like a three-year old fighting over a toy. Well, maybe not out loud, but in my heart, that’s what I would be saying.

Basically, I want to keep what’s mine unless I have some control about who gets it. And I think I have a pretty healthy perspective on things and their value. I believe in being a good steward of what God has given me and I work hard to not live above my means.

I, or I should say we, since I am a co-owner, made a decision about 8 years ago to downsize drastically and get out of debt. I think it was one of the best decisions we ever made. We went from a nice home on a corner lot, to a manufactured home in a 55 plus community. No, I wasn’t 55 when I moved in, but if you are 45 or so they will make concessions, especially if you have cash in hand and one of you is 55 or close to it. And right after our home sold? The real estate market crashed. We got the most money for our home that anyone will ever get. It was God’s timing.

And I love this place, it’s home. A little oasis in the desert. A place of peace carved out in the here and now.

Having said all that, I still struggle with that line in the verse.

I know I still clutch too tightly to things. I want to keep my iPhone and my iPad, thank you. I can do some good with those. I am American and I have lived 53 years with the idea of the American Dream. When an ideology has shaped how you think and live, it is not an easy thing to turn loose of. The early church didn’t live with that dream, however. They had a living breathing Messiah that they would have followed to the ends of the earth. And so do we.

One thing I do know, that if I had everything taken away today? If my world, everyone and everything in it picked clean like Job’s was? I would hate it, but I would still be okay somehow because God would bring me through it.

Because the hope the early church had is mine too.

Because I have learned that Jesus is my everything and nothing this world has to offer could ever compare with Him.

Because the true treasures of this life are people and not things, and I know that if they were all gone today, it would be only a little while before I would see them again in Heaven.

That’s what the early church had.

That’s what you and I have too.

Of a Saturday…….

I left the parking lot at work this past Saturday, needing to return two books from the library, that is, the right library. I threw the wrong one in my local library bin and had to have them fetch it back. That’s what comes from being a card holder at two public libraries.

After I did that, I felt the need for a little drive. Sometimes I do this on my hour break, because when you work on Saturdays sometimes it feels like everyone else on earth is off enjoying life except for you. Sometimes you want a piece of leisure, even if it’s only a little slice borrowed from someone else.

I rolled the windows down and the sun poured in with a light breeze along with it. In order to do proper observation, you really need sights and sounds both. I drove along in my sunny yellow bug and I drank in what I saw.

I saw people enjoying time off and in watching them, part of the blessing fell on me. With the sun on my face, I saw one man rollerblading down the street, and then another walking his dog.

I drove past the little house that has all the goats, and saw them all gathered close by the fence around a woman who might have been feeding them. Several had babies and I wanted to go talk to her and pet the goats but I couldn’t make a u turn from there so I drove on.

I drove around the back of the school and saw instructors giving tennis lessons at the school courts, a big group was practicing their swings and serves, slicing the air with their racquets.

Another large group had a basketball game going. They moved like a school of fish, back and forth across the courts…..punctuated with shouts and the tap of the ball on the concrete.

It was good, watching them all. I felt just a trace of what God must feel watching us all, the people he created. As a detached observer, it was easy to feel the love He has for all of us all a little bit more. I felt the weight of the truth, that we really are just one big earthly family. Dysfunctional as all get out, but here.

Striving, trying, hoping, wishing…..living life and taking time out when we can; savoring those moments of time carved out from work, responsibility.

We lift the lid to that time capsule just for a moment and breathe deep…….we remember how it felt to live like a child with nothing but the here and now.

For a moment, we forget all the grown up junk that is weighing us down.

And it feels good.

And yet, because we are human, we look ahead to where yesterday lives and tomorrow lurks, worried and pressed down and shaken together about things that happened in the past or may happen in the future.

As I head back into the building, I hear a bird call and it was so sweet that it made me want to cry. I remembered a time when the pool of grief was so deep that I couldn’t believe the birds had the nerve to sing, and yet somewhere I was grateful they were. So now when I hear birds I am reminded of all God brought me through. Birds and I have a special bond because now I hear them as the miracles they are. God makes both of us sing.

He has taught me the most important lesson of all, that no matter what goes on in this life, JOY is mine forever because of Him.

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3: 14-19

The Big Green Monster

It struck without warning, and I wasn’t prepared. I was minding my own business, things were going well, in fact I had just had a several pieces of encouraging news the day before. I was cruising…..bouyant even. So when it reared up out of the depths like a big green sea monster, I was blindsided.

It was amazing at how fast and with what lethal force it struck, like a rattlesnake with no rattle of warning at all. It was the big green monster of JEALOUSY.

I thought of the sea monster that used to come up out of the water at the Santa Cruz beach boardwalk when I was a kid. I was terrified of that thing. The little train tracks ran around the outside of the little fake lagoon from whence that monster reared up.

I always hoped and prayed I would be in the cave part of the ride when it came up.

Right before he came up out of the water, it would bubble and the speakers would crackle and make a terrible noise, that was right before it raised it’s head, snorting water dripping from its flarel nostrils. And then after the curved neck was fully raised?

It would turn and cast it’s awful eyes on me! It was terrible and horrible and yet I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

Like that big green sea monster, envy and jealousy will kill our joy faster than anything. It distorts, it twists, and then after you have finished turning the knife toward that other person, you turn it inwards and start inflicting injury on yourself.

Nobody wants to be around a jealous or envious person. Jealousy and its close cousin envy blocks the Spirit much like a solar eclipse blocks out the sun. When life is colored by what we feel we don’t have, we tend to lose our gratitude for what we do have.

When we start recounting our gifts again, that other thing becomes small and once again we can put our focus on everything God has given us.

Basically, we give Him back His rightful place on the Throne.

I bow my head as I shuffle backwards…….sheepishly I hand Him back the Scepter which I greedily snatched away. Sorry, Lord. I have an idea where this came from and it wasn’t You.

I place it at the cross and once again my heart fills clean with Gratitude because of how He made me, all that He’s given me. Because how He made me is pretty special.

I am a diamond on His endless shore, and yet He would be able to pick me, (and you) out of that glittering pile in a minute. He cradles me in His hand, turns me this way and that.

He admires the shine that I am just beginning to take on.

Oh how He loves me.

And you.

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 1 Peter 2:1

The Decision

We were pulling into Home Depot, taking back some citronella oil to exchange it for some plug adapters for the Christmas lights we were putting up. We were talking about “the Decision” yet again, the one that would place her Mom into a care facility. It was a black cloud looming over the day.

She said, “Living has become a chore, I am so exhausted all the time and my joy is gone.”

I said, “The exhausting part is that you are continually having this debate with yourself about how much is too much and if you have reached your limit yet.” It’s like the continual drip of a Chinese water torture. One day is terrible and then the next is not too bad so you go on.

The debate is endless, like fishing for the right answer but it doesn’t come because your emotions are so tied up in it. The right answer might be staring you right in the face but you’d more than likely talk yourself out of it.

One day you say you have had enough, and you really have. The next day is not too bad so you go on. But the wearing down of your body, mind and soul takes its toll.

And when you’re a Christian, while you thank God you have Him because you surely couldn’t do it without Him, you also wonder what He expects. You want to do the right thing and you forget that God isn’t up there waiting for you to say “Uncle” but sometimes it feels like it.

The way it should happen is this: One definitive thing happens to topple the pile of rocks that are stacked so precariously. The pile comes toppling down and then you know that it’s time. Unfortunately, many times this is not the case. Instead, you try to figure out what the right time is.

”I remember,” she says with worry-filled eyes, “when I said that it would be easier to wait until she didn’t quite know where she was, when her mind wasn’t so clear.” I sighed and said, “But it’s not is it?” She said, “It’s like sending a kid out there into the world of strangers.”

But the call was made because it is time to set wheels in motion for placement. And it continues to be very, very hard.

Ultimately, no one can tell you when that time is right except for you. When you know in your heart of hearts that you did all you could do, and you know that God knows too. Like she always tells me, “You have to do what you can live with after they are gone.”

That is when you take that peace and hold it close, and know that you can fall safely back into God’s love because after all:

He’s been holding you all along.

Read one of my earler posts on this topic on Bibledude here, or click on Alzheimer’s category on this blog to see others.

This One Day

Wherever we are, it’s just a little season…..

In 1 or 5 or ten years, it will be only a memory.

Even one you may have to conjure up to remember all the details…….

Someday, we will be standing on the edge of an eternity without end.

And all these little moments will be nothing but little blips on a very small screen,

but then,

we will realize just how much they all mattered.

But God says, “Pay attention to this one day, and in it, you will find eternity in Me.”

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own………..Jesus

I have lost my footing as of late. I have forgotten where I came from and where I started. Why I live and why I write. Worry and stress had swallowed it whole. But I found my footing again today.

And really, isn’t that what it’s all about? Getting back on the trail?

Today, I am picking up my walking stick and with eyes up, I look with anticipation at what lies ahead.

You come too.

Faithful Friend

Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” John 3:6-8

I marvel when I think what a miracle it is that You would choose to live within this heart of mine, and even more when I think how long You have journeyed with me so peacefully and quietly, so graciously and so fully that I can no longer imagine a life without Your presence. You have made Your home in me and I know that if You were suddenly taken away I would know a fraction of hell itself. I say a fraction because only Jesus knew the full weight of that when You hid your face behind a cloud those hours on the cross.

I take you for granted, Lord and I know it. How often I have felt your warmth, your candle flicker in my soul as I pray. I have felt the mystery of two total strangers connecting and recognizing that they….we, are already joined as brothers and sisters. We greet each other as family…..connected by the blood of Jesus and union with You. How easily conversation flows, how easy laughter comes and joy leaps as we talk about the things of God.

It humbles me Lord, what you have taken from me. What thoughts and actions that you had to go along with….things that I did and have done that I had no business doing, going through doors you never meant me to go, all the while warning me in your quiet way knowing the sorrow I would have to face. And you faced it with me, truly you have always been my Comforter.

Help me Lord to give you cause for rejoicing in my actions and thoughts instead of grief.

Thank you for the special gifts you have given me, and continue to give. Anoint my writing Lord, and help it to bless and encourage others in their walk with you.

As I kneel at the rail of my heart once more it overflows with gratitude for the Spirit who will never let me go. Who makes me want to stay even after my candle has been snuffed out, even after the chill surrounds me as the warmth from my heater wears off.

I sit back down, longing to hear one more Word lest I miss it as I rush out the door……..

A face only a mother could love

How many times have we heard that? Those who know me, know I am a Seinfeld fanatic. I am thinking of the ugly baby episode. No baby is ugly right? Some are cuter than others, but each one is beautiful in their individuality. And yet, there are those times when we don’t see quite what we are prepared to see. When Elaine and Jerry peered into the crib, they had an expectation that they would see an adorable baby, but words failed them and all we see are their faces. They were awkwardly fishing for adjectives as the mother waited expectantly. The whole rest of the show was built around that, among other things. It was hilarious.

One day around 10 years ago my Mom and I went shopping at Big Lots before Christmas. I came around the corner and saw this cat and laughed uproariously until I was doubled over. She came over and did the same thing. I knew she had to come home with us. Every year since, when she makes it out for Christmas, she has elicited the same reaction to many of Mom’s crazy friends. I dubbed her “Marty” after the famous comedian Marty Feldman. Do a google search on his name and you will know why. He was an English comedian and comedy writer very well-known in many Mel Brooks movies back in the 70s.

My whole point is that I have fallen in love with her because of a shared memory my Mom and I have of her together. And, yes…..it is a face only a mother could love. I don’t know how she ever passed inspection in China or Korea or wherever she came from, but I am very glad she didn’t.

When approached Jesus, I didn’t pass inspection either. I had baggage and plenty of it, still do. But He took me in and loved me anyway, and He hasn’t stopped since. I could never pass God’s inspection, but Jesus did. When God accepted me into His family, He didn’t check to see if I was perfect. And He doesn’t expect me to be perfect now. He doesn’t care if my eyes are crooked, or my skin is unmarred, or that am tall enough or pretty enough, or smart enough, or religious enough.

When I came to Him that first time, He saw that my heart was humble enough to know I could never save myself, but that I desperately needed saving. My heart had the hope and expectation that He would love me, and He did. God loves me and God loves you with a relentless kind of love. A no matter what kind of love. One we can scarcely understand.

As I settled by the Christmas tree this morning for the last time, my cat Sydney came and leapt on my lap with a full expectation of being loved. And he was not disappointed. That is how I need to remember to come to God. I wrapped my arms around him as he purred into my face and settled down, safe and secure in my love. Just like God wants me to do with Him.

He never disappoints me. He always accepts me just as I am.

Once more wrapped in His love and protection, I can think of no better way to start the New Year.

Unwrapping Christmas

Each year at Christmastime we exchange things………..gifts. Excitement builds as we eagerly present them to those we love in anticipation of their joy in receiving what we have so carefully and thoughtfully chosen.

Just for them.

But I believe, the real unwrapping doesn’t end, until every last memory is opened and reopened once again.

Those that memory leaves behind are what we take out through the years and cherish. Long after each purchased gift is worn out. So today, in the quiet of year’s end. This is what I do. As these I hold dear take their own gifts out as we all hold them up to the Light.

A walk by the lake with my Dad. Enjoying the nature and the snap of morning’s cold. Talking about this flower another walker guided us to…….and the detail hidden within, and about the God who loves detail, even in a little flower. We never would have found it hidden along the fence from our path. We were turned away at the gate because the nature trail was closed that day. But we found nature anyway, because we were looking.

All these moments held in the grip of eternity. To be shared by each other, and the Lord. Each and every one I count as jewels……..and as we walked along, it looked like others wanted to do the same. A little table arrangement left behind for someone else to find…….we are all creators.

Just like our Father…..

This year, as I unwrap Christmas again.

Count some more memories with me won’t you? And then add your own…………

Last year the baby Jesus flickered and went out, and this year the whole scene went dark, so Mom and Dad let one of Lauryn’s spare dolls stand in for Jesus and put a spotlight on the whole scene. My Mom said it was more beautiful than ever.

Everyone I hold most dear together on Christmas Eve, that was my best gift.

Playing rounds of Candy Land with Lauryn and seeing her so excited to see me.

Elaine, Heather and Me at breakfast at Denny’s Christmas morning before we all went our separate ways for the week.

My brother and I baking in the kitchen for the first time ever.

Mom and I bunking together and giggling like teenagers before we went to sleep, then later hearing her whispered prayers when she couldn’t sleep. I heard her say, “Jesus” about 10 times.

The road trip from Arizona to California, where Elaine and I talked all the way and didn’t miss any turns.

And this one is bittersweet, Elaine’s Mom last road trip before she goes into a care home.

The last is what I will hold onto for the coming year…….Mom combining both of her Nativity’s together on the coffee table like one big happy family. And of those, one lamb had a broken leg and one had a missing ear, but they were both still standing. And like those sheep, we all come to Jesus with all of our baggage and missing limbs dragging behind.

We bring them to the stable, and He heals every wound, every heartache, wipes every tear.

Every Christmas brings its own unique challenges and this year was no exception, yet when we have Jesus, we have everything.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy and Hopeful New Year from my Prayercloset to yours!

Gratitude tips the scales

O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good: for his mercy endures for ever. Psalm

107:1

We had our gift exchange last night, Elaine and I. It was our little window of opportunity for some Christmas quiet time and we took it. Her Mom had gone to bed early, as she has done ever since winter has brought early darkness. It was a touch and go day yesterday, the Alzheimer’s was kicking in and she was a bit combative.

At one point, Elaine peeked in the door and found that she had taken every last pair of pants out of her closet and piled them on the bed. Then she opened Elaine’s jewelry box and had the contents spread all over the bed. She said, “I don’t know where all this came from.”

And she has been going through other things in the house. I guess that is common at certain stages of the disease, along with not wanting to bathe and the rocking and pacing.

It has been a very challenging year no doubt about it, and yet last night Christmas came there in our little island of peace by the tree. And all I kept saying over and over…”This is just too much, this is too good…..I don’t deserve it” and I was feeling it on the inside as well as the outside.

And it wasn’t just the gifts, it was everything that went behind the gifts. Because I know the giver. I know her heart, and I have never stopped seeing it give giving this whole year. That’s why it matters.

And when you know the Giver of that most perfect gift the world has ever seen?

Only Endless gratitude can be the heart’s right response, no matter what the world throws your way. Gratitude tips the scales when you know God has already given you everything He has to give.

Today, I drove on an almost deserted freeway to put in my last day of work, but in my heart, I am bearing treasures too many to count.

Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift! 2 Corinthians 9:15

Lori's Prayer Closet

"And when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you……"Matthew 6:6