The veil has holes

Last night was a very strange night. I cried almost all the way home and didn’t know why. I had a sense of foreboding I couldn’t shake. This school shooting has weighed heavy on my soul. Just too much heartache there for one incident. Too much sorrow for one town to carry. So I thought it was maybe that.

Then I thought about Elaine’s folks. I remembered the times when they were healthier and they would go to church with us. I still remember the day we almost dropped our teeth when her Dad unfolded his wallet and put money in the plate. We have both heard them say many times that “churches are only after your money.” Her Mom was even talking Baptism.

I asked God how it is that somebody can get so close to seeing a better way of life and turning away. To stepping all the way up to the river of life and then turning back around….leaving thirsty.

Then I remembered how many times I had done just that.

When I came through the door Elaine was teary-eyed as well. “I think Mom’s having a heart attack…..what should I do?” She has been through this with her Mom already years ago. And she knew what to do, she just needed someone else to help her carry the load.

“Nothing,” I said….we do nothing because that’s what she said she wanted.

Her Mom’s own words were: “I don’t want to be cut on anymore.” And I can see why. She has been through cancer twice, including a mastectomy, chemo and radiation, 2 heart attacks, and a triple bypass. As a nurse, she diagnosed herself with Alzheimer’s around 10 years ago.

She is done with treatments. And hospitals.

But when you are the one standing there with life and death hanging in the balance, it’s not that easy. Our first instinct is always to do something. But sometimes the right choice is to let nature and God choose. Giving someone what they have chosen is the hardest thing to do because it’s right.

The reason Elaine knew that there was really something wrong was because her Mom didn’t fight her on anything getting ready for bed, and lately that has been the norm.

She went on to tell me that both cats acted strangely all evening. As if they knew something was wrong. Briggs wouldn’t let her Mom alone, he kept following her to her room and jumping on the bed. She finally had to close the door.

So we watched TV and prayed. Elaine had asked her Mom if when the time came, that she would ask God to take her soul. Her Mom said yes. There was no need for a big theological discussion. She knows where salvation comes from, she was raised on it.

And all the while, I remembered how last Christmas was spent in the hospital with her Mom, alone…and I vowed it would never happen again.

Today when I called at lunch she said they were at Subway and her Mom was eating and felt okay, with no recollection of ever feeling bad.

And today, I am feeling how just thin that veil between life and death can be. Any one of us could be instantly on the other side, and not necessarily who you might expect.

When the soul quiets

A life is either all spiritual or not spiritual at all. No man can serve two masters. Your life is shaped by the end you live for. You are made in the image of what you desire. Thomas Merton

By this time in December you are in one of two places. You are either madly scrambling around because you just realized that Christmas is less than one week away, or you have conceded that whatever has not been done up to this point will not get done and you can begin to relax and really enjoy pre-Christmas.

I am at the latter stage. True Christmas can only be ushered in when the soul quiets. The world is outside and it continues to spin wildly out of control, but I try to back off. I try not to call people on the freeway names, although this time of the year it is increasingly difficult, even with the Jesus sticker deterrent on the back window.

This falls under the: “I am a Christian, but I am still human category.”

I daydream by the tree before the light of dawn creeps over the Superstitions. I realize it will soon be packed away along with the nativity scenes, but Jesus will stay.

In the quiet of my soul I imagine sitting by a window with big, fat flakes of snow falling outside and a fire on the hearth inside and the peace that happens when all the clamour and noise of life is far away.

That’s when you can hear God.

I look around and I realize how much I dearly value the people in my life, here once more with me at the close of another year. When you can look in their eyes and see eternity reflected back it’s not just a silly jewelry commercial, it’s why God came to this earth.

It’s the seeking and saving of that which was lost, all of us, and not only us, the whole creation.

Just imagine if you will, alongside myriads of angels and us bowing before the Throne, the giant redwood and the smallest of woodland creatures doing the same. And why shouldn’t they? They will once again know a world without fear. The one Sin stole.

And all around us, while we see evidence of the brokenness of creation, we also see its mending. People who will not give up. People who will continue to risk their own lives for the poor, the broken, the weak.

The defenseless. The ones too weak and powerless to do anything about their own condition.

It’s God paying ransom with His very own Son.

How we can best honor the children

In church yesterday there was a Dad sitting a seat away from me. Right next to him was his little boy, around aged 8 I would guess. I couldn’t help but notice that when we stood to pray or sing, that Dad had his arm around his son……and not in a casual way, tightly…….like he didn’t want to let him go. In fact, everywhere I looked, I seemed to see people holding their kids a bit closer. The question keeps framing itself in my mind…….How can we best honor to these children too soon gone?

The parents will be going through a horrific memorial service today, and it will be unspeakably sad. But the truth is, they will need our support much more in the months and years to come. When all the shock has worn off. I know this. They will need the support of friends and family. They will need to talk about how wonderful their kids were…….even when it makes others uncomfortable. By letting them talk, letting them remember, we honor the special light that belonged to their child and their child alone.

And we need to keep going and never give up, for them. They would want us to keep standing up for what’s right, and to never stop fighting that battle. Being light in a dark work is the most important thing we can do for them, and for our own kids. We need to be the answer for them, and the answer always holds hope

Most of all, we need to keep enjoying life, as they were surely doing their last hours on this earth. The excitement of Christmas hung in the air at that school. I remember that feeling oh so well. I remember the Christmas concert we gave, and the big reindeer I got to decorate with red, green, and blue glitter when I was about their age. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I think my parents did too. My Mom didn’t even mind the glitter that fell off everywhere that thing went.

If their voices had not been silenced by evil, I could imagine them saying to us all……..”Don’t be sad.” Kids hate when people are sad. And they are very happy now.

They would say, “Let’s go outside and play.” And they would teach us to run and jump in puddles and remember how that felt. They would teach us how to love all over again. Yes, the best way we can honor them is to honor the kid still inside us and be a beacon of light in a world that can be very dark sometimes.

It was a good day yesterday……and it felt good to have a good day.

Sitting at Cost Plus sipping my tea, I glanced at my phone and saw that I had a new voice mail from my brother’s phone. It was my niece and a big goofy smile spread across my face right there and my heart melted when I heard: “Hi Lowwie, C’mon call me kay…..call me Dad’s phone, Daddy’s phone….thank you, bye.”

And I never ever want to erase it. I want to freeze her innocence forever. I also thought of the kids, whose innocence was taken and yet now is perfectly preserved in Heaven, where nothing but innocence and love live on.

I called her back and we had a conversation in which she told me about her “babies, and baby kitty and Mima…..” and how we are going to have a party when I get there.

And later, as we made Christmas bags for the kids on Elaine’s route, her kids she calls them, I thought of those kids again and how right it was to be doing that for them.

So today, I will carry on and treasure the kids in my life, and yours. I will have a good day and do kid things and continue to shine the light of love whenever I can and hold out the hope that we always have in Christ.

To honor them.

And to honor Him.

A future of hope from Isaiah

A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
the way for the Lord;
make straight in the desert
a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

You who bring good news to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
“Here is your God!”
See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power,
and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

The little lambs that were lost to us this week, are safe in the Good Shepherd’s arms today…….that is how I derive some measure of peace about what happened….please join me in ongoing prayer for the families, especially the parents.

Lori

Photos from google images

Trying to make sense of it all

Today, we are all shell-shocked and scrambling for answers. We are desperately looking for someone or something to blame, some solution. We think there has to be a way to define, identify, fix the problem, because that is the only way we can find some peace in something this horrific.

I don’t even want to watch the news at this point. To be honest I don’t want to know about the shooter and what traumatic events of his childhood might have led up to him doing this. I don’t care about his disease or his personality profile. I have heard it all before.

All I can think about are the children that are gone and the parents who are facing the deepest grief they will ever know upon waking up this morning. I paused before I went into work today, to pray for the families. But what to pray? All I got out was….”Oh God, the parents, the parents, the parents…..”

In the wake of this tragedy, the debate over gun control will ignite once again. And good people on both sides of this issue have their facts, their statistics, their arguments. And both sides feel they are one as right as the other.

You can take guns away from law-abiding citizens, but the criminals will still get guns. Illegal gun and drug trade is out of control and the doors to our borders are standing open. Some of our cities, such as Stockton, California…..right next to my hometown, are bankrupt due to gross mishandling of funds and greed at the top. I just read this report today:

Bankrupt Stockton, Calif., faces a “mass exodus” of police officers in the midst of a crime wave if it is forced by creditors to slash pension benefits for current and retired employees, its city manager said in a letter to Gov. Jerry Brown. Source: Huffington Post

In some cities, there are barely enough police to actually fight real crime, let alone provide schools with the extra security they need.

The truth is, we can pass all the laws we want to, but there is one thing we will never be able to do and that is legislate morality. There is only one solution to the heart problem we all have and it is found in the person of Jesus Christ. He is the final answer for this world today.

That’s why the Manger means more than ever right now.

And God is watching this world. Nothing escapes His notice. While people have free will, they will use it to exercise all kinds of atrocities and evil against other people. And free will is one thing God will never take away from us.

But until we choose Him, our hearts will remain broken beyond repair.

One day He will put a stop to all this craziness, for He is a just and Holy God, but until such time as He does, he has given us a job, a high calling, a command:

Love one another as I have loved you.

The solution to all our heart problems can be found by looking back to the manger, forward to the cross, and beyond to that future time when…..

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

When heavy hearts give thanks

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus……1 Thessalonians 5:18

I have misheard and misunderstood this Scripture and caused myself much grief, packing a load on myself I was never meant to carry. I have had to remind myself that it doesn’t say to be thankful FOR for circumstance, but IN the circumstance. So today, I offer up thanks to a God who is worthy of all my gratitude, all the time.

Thank you Lord that even when our hearts are hurting, the fountain of thankfulness still somehow keeps bubbling to the surface. I woke up at around 2:30 and the first thing that popped into my mind was the line to the song that says:

Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm…….

Thank you for the twinkling lights outside my window for they remind me of what and who I am celebrating, and for the love of a friend who put them up when I know that all she wanted to do was put this Christmas on fast forward…..not the reason of it, for that she clings to, but all the stuff that goes along with it.

In her loss this season she still thinks of how she can make others happy, so she put the timer on so that I would see them when I left for work. That kind of heart is what makes the Lord happy.

That kind of gratitude when it isn’t easy is like shaking our fist in Satan’s face.

Thank you Lord, for an Aunt who calls me even when she is going through her own kind of loss this year once again with her husband in a rest home….she misses her old life, but still she waves the flag of gratitude because she has her health and that she can see him each day.

And that most of the time, he is in a good mood.

Thank you Lord, for the classical station that actually came in this morning as I was driving to work. Those notes filled out a hollowed out place in my soul that I didn’t even realize was there until I heard it. It lifted me, made me better somehow. I believe that’s what good music should do.

And thank you that things at work are relatively calm right now. We are in between processes and winding down so I can have time to relax somewhat at my station and I really need that right now.

Especially now.

I feel fatigued today, Lord. I need those wings of eagles to lift me up…..in fact I can feel them now. I already feel better. And send a big eagle for Elaine. She needs one worse.

Your girl.

Of missed Messiahs and plans that don’t gel

The mouse hovered over rental car sites but as yet no reservation has been made for the Christmas trip. She hovered over an ad for the Messiah and I said, “Let’s go……..Friday night it’s at the Mesa Arts Center.” She said, “You can just meet me there after work.” It’s one of our favorite things to do around Christmas.

“But what about your Mom, would she be okay here after dark?”

“Probably not,” she said. And as 29 seconds were left on the timer, she unclicked the button that would have reserved our seats in the mezzanine, right on the end. We sighed again for one more thing we missed out on this year.

The truth is, sometimes Christmas is made up of “missed Messiah’s” and “plans not set.” But Christmas has a way of coming anyway. So we find joy in the little moments of the season. Sitting by the tree in the mornings, listening to Christmas music, ushers in peace before the clatter and commotion of the day. Watching the cats play around under it………Seeing angels and bells and stars take shape in the oven as the smell fills the house.

And one day after Christmas, all this rushing around will cease to matter. I was reminded yesterday what does matter. The cross is what matters.

We look to His birth and resurrection and while those are wonderful miraculous events, what really speaks to us is His suffering on the cross. We look at Jesus pain and can no longer ignore the fact that He sees our pain too.

It is only at the cross that we see the great magnitude and depth of His love for us. You can hardly ignore a naked, dying man on a cross. And as Louie Giglio said in his message yesterday, our own pain is the megaphone through which the world learns about Christ.

And while we celebrate His birth, the cross is what continues to speak the loudest. And when we compare our pain to His all of our arguments fall silent.

When we gaze at Jesus on the cross, we can no longer say that we have a God who is unwilling or un able to enter into our greatest pain.

He is and He does, every single day.

A voice cries:
“In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord;
    make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be lifted up,
    and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
    and the rough places a plain.
And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed,
    and all flesh shall see it together,
    for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

Isaiah 40:3-5

The Word that opens the door

This morning as usual, I was distracted during prayer time. This time of year, there are so many things vying for our attention, and yet this one thing I cannot let go. This being with God in the morning. I had gone out earlier and lit my little heater and my candle. The shop was toasty by the time I got back in. I settled with my steaming mug….and then I was thinking about all the things on my list.

The cooky dough that was thawing on the counter.

My blog, and the changes I want to make around the first of the year.

The cookies in the freezer I still need to frost.

The things I need to ship……the uncoming trip……yada yada yada.

So I did the thing I always do when I am trying to turn my attention back to the Lord who really really deserves it. I opened the Word. That is always the doorway that leads to Him. His words spill over the page, and they are not just words some men wrote, but words the Holy Spirit wrote through those men.

I thought how He uses us as conduit, to reach a world that is desperately in need of Him. And I thought of the journey I have been on thus far and how much the Lord has brought me through. And it always makes me cry, because His faithfulness to me is endless.

My eyes fell on Psalm 18 where I had left my marker:

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me. 16-19

I thought of all the times the Lord has rescued me from myself…….again and again.

And and I love verses 27-29:

You save the humble
    but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
    my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
    with my God I can scale a wall.

I thought of all the situations in my life where there was most certainly a wall. And there was no going around it. I had to get through it. And it was and is prayer that has got me through……every single time.

Selah. God has marked the start of my day, He has taken note of it, this time together we share.

Conviction in the Kitchen

My little place of prayer

We had a Thanksgiving dinner yesterday.

The one we would have had if I had not worked and she had not been gone. It was perfect, just the favorites, turkey, stuffing, dumplings and cranberries, not even anything green, which is almost impossible for me to do. We played Christmas music and sang in the kitchen while we were cooking and it was a good afternoon. There was only one mishap when we left for a few minutes, but it turned out okay. The timer went off earlier than we thought and it was buzzing when we came in the door and instead of turning the oven to off, Joyce had turned it to broil.

The foil “tent” saved us. And it hadn’t been on very long, luckily.

Elaine made Joyce’s plate first and got her seated, which is extremely necessary otherwise her Mom will stand in the middle of the kitchen not knowing how or where to start.

It was hovering in the air……the prayer I felt. You can’t very well have Thanksgiving without a prayer. So I snagged her as she fixed her plate and made her a party to my “on the fly” prayer. She bowed her head as I prayed, what else could she do? I said, “That’s okay, right? I wanted to avoid…….” Of course, she knew what I was trying to avoid. The prayer at the table.

Because to be honest right now? Praying at the table is hard because I have all these conflicting emotions. To be honest I want to gulp my glass of wine and start eating. Mealtimes have been stressful, not relaxing.

She looked up after my hasty Amen. She knew I was looking for justification. She said, “Do what you can live with in your heart.” And the words dropped like warm rain of grace onto my heart because she said them with such love. “Yes, it would be easier not to, and my Mom really doesn’t care one way or the other, but it’s for Him.”

And those words of conviction hit their mark like fiery darts. She and the Holy Spirit were working as a team and it really wasn’t fair. But she was right, and there was power behind her words; it’s how she has lived these very hard two years, really the whole of her life.

Because though her parents have never treated her right, she has been Jesus to them, again and again.

We got seated, and with a freshly washed cleansed and convicted heart, I said a prayer. And I felt it.

As I prayed this morning in my “Prayer Shed” I thanked God for friends who love enough to convict me and turn me around. Who don’t cut me any slack. And I know she is thankful for me for the exact same reasons.

Thanking the Lord for His endless patience with me today.

Thomas Merton, Psalm

The forms and individual characters of living and growing things, of inanimate beings, of animals and flowers and all nature, constitute their holiness in the sight of God. Their inscape is their sanctity. It is the imprint of His wisdom and His reality in them.

The special clumsy beauty of this particular colt on this day in this field under these clouds is a holiness consecrated to God by His own creative wisdom and it declares the glory of God. The pale flowers of the dogwood outside this window are saints.

The little yellow flowers that nobody notices on the edge of that road are saints looking up into the face of God. This leaf has its own texture and its own pattern of veins and its own holy shape, and the bass and trout hiding in the deep pools of the river are canonized by their beauty and their strength.

The great, gashed, half-naked mountain is another of God’s saints. There is no other like Him. He is alone in his own character; nothing else in the world ever did or ever will imitate God in quite the same way. That is his sanctity.

But what about you? What about me?

Thomas Merton, Psalm

New Seeds of Contemplation

Lori's Prayer Closet

"And when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you……"Matthew 6:6