Everyday Faith

Faithful Friend

Confession

Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.  You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’  The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” John 3:6-8

I marvel when I think what a miracle it is that You would choose to live within this heart of mine, and even more when I think how long You have journeyed with me so peacefully and quietly, so graciously and so fully that I can no longer imagine a life without Your presence. You have made Your home in me and I know that if You were suddenly taken away I would know a fraction of hell itself. I say a fraction because only Jesus knew the full weight of that when You hid your face behind a cloud those hours on the cross.

I take you for granted, Lord and I know it. How often I have felt your warmth, your candle flicker in my soul as I pray. I have felt the mystery of two total strangers connecting and recognizing that they….we, are already joined as brothers and sisters. We greet each other as family…..connected by the blood of Jesus and union with You. How easily conversation flows, how easy laughter comes and joy leaps as we talk about the things of God.

It humbles me Lord, what you have taken from me. What thoughts and actions that you had to go along with….things that I did and have done that I had no business doing, going through doors you never meant me to go, all the while warning me in your quiet way knowing the sorrow I would have to face. And you faced it with me, truly you have always been my Comforter.

Help me Lord to give you cause for rejoicing in my actions and thoughts instead of grief.

Thank you for the special gifts you have given me, and continue to give. Anoint my writing Lord, and help it to bless and encourage others in their walk with you.

As I kneel at the rail of my heart once more it overflows with gratitude for the Spirit who will never let me go. Who makes me want to stay even after my candle has been snuffed out, even after the chill surrounds me as the warmth from my heater wears off.

I sit back down, longing to hear one more Word lest I miss it as I rush out the door……..

Gratitude tips the scales

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O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good: for his mercy endures for ever. Psalm
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We had our gift exchange last night, Elaine and I. It was our little window of opportunity for some Christmas quiet time and we took it.  Her Mom had gone to bed early, as she has done ever since winter has brought early darkness. It was a touch and go day yesterday, the Alzheimer’s was kicking in and she was a bit combative.  
 
At one point, Elaine peeked in the door and found that she had taken every last pair of pants out of her closet and piled them on the bed. Then she opened Elaine’s jewelry box and had the contents spread all over the bed. She said, “I don’t know where all this came from.”
 
And she has been going through other things in the house.  I guess that is common at certain stages of the disease, along with not wanting to bathe and the rocking and pacing.
 
It has been a very challenging year no doubt about it, and yet last night Christmas came there in our little island of peace by the tree. And all I kept saying over and over…”This is just too much, this is too good…..I don’t deserve it” and I was feeling it on the inside as well as the outside.
 
And it wasn’t just the gifts, it was everything that went behind the gifts. Because I know the giver. I know her heart, and I have never stopped seeing it give giving this whole year. That’s why it matters. 
 
And when you know the Giver of that most perfect gift the world has ever seen?
 
Only Endless gratitude can be the heart’s right response, no matter what the world throws your way. Gratitude tips the scales when you know God has already given you everything He has to give.
 
Today, I drove on an almost deserted freeway to put in my last day of work, but  in my heart, I am bearing treasures too many to count.
 
Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift! 2 Corinthians 9:15

How we can best honor the children

Delighting in the way....

In church yesterday there was a Dad sitting a seat away from me. Right next to him was his little boy, around aged 8 I would guess. I couldn’t help but notice that when we stood to pray or sing, that Dad had his arm around his son……and not in a casual way, tightly…….like he didn’t want to let him go. In fact, everywhere I looked, I seemed to see people holding their kids a bit closer. The question keeps framing itself in my mind…….How can we best honor to these children too soon gone?

The parents will be going through a horrific memorial service today, and it will be unspeakably sad. But the truth is, they will need our support much more in the months and years to come. When all the shock has worn off. I know this. They will need the support of friends and family. They will need to talk about how wonderful their kids were…….even when it makes others uncomfortable. By letting them talk, letting them remember, we honor the special light that belonged to their child and their child alone.

And we need to keep going and never give up, for them. They would want us to keep standing up for what’s right, and to never stop fighting that battle. Being light in a dark work is the most important thing we can do for them, and for our own kids. We need to be the answer for them, and the answer always holds hope

Most of all, we need to keep enjoying life, as they were surely doing their last hours on this earth. The excitement of Christmas hung in the air at that school.  I remember that feeling oh so well. I remember the Christmas concert we gave, and the big reindeer I got to decorate with red, green, and blue glitter when I was about their age. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I think my parents did too. My Mom didn’t even mind the glitter that fell off everywhere that thing went.

If their voices had not been silenced by evil, I could imagine them saying to us all……..”Don’t be sad.” Kids hate when people are sad. And they are very happy now.

They would say, “Let’s go outside and play.” And they would teach us to run and jump in puddles and remember how that felt. They would teach us how to love all over again. Yes, the best way we can honor them is to honor the kid still inside us and be a beacon of light in a world that can be very dark sometimes.

It was a good day yesterday……and it felt good to have a good day.

Sitting at Cost Plus sipping my tea, I glanced at my phone and saw that I had a new voice mail from my brother’s phone. It was my niece and a big goofy smile spread across my face right there and my heart melted when I heard: “Hi Lowwie, C’mon call me kay…..call me Dad’s phone, Daddy’s phone….thank you, bye.”

And I never ever want to erase it. I want to freeze her innocence forever. I also thought of the kids, whose innocence was taken and yet now is perfectly preserved in Heaven, where nothing but innocence and love live on.

I called her back and we had a conversation in which she told me about her “babies, and baby kitty and Mima…..” and how we are going to have a party when I get there.

And later, as we made Christmas bags for the kids on Elaine’s route, her kids she calls them, I thought of those kids again and how right it was to be doing that for them.

So today, I will carry on and treasure the kids in my life, and yours. I will have a good day and do kid things and continue to shine the light of love whenever I can and hold out the hope that we always have in Christ.

To honor them.

And to honor Him.

Conviction in the Kitchen

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My little place of prayer

We had a Thanksgiving dinner yesterday.

The one we would have had if I had not worked and she had not been gone. It was perfect, just the favorites, turkey, stuffing, dumplings and cranberries, not even anything green, which is almost impossible for me to do.  We played Christmas music and sang in the kitchen while we were cooking and it was a good afternoon. There was only one mishap when we left for a few minutes, but it turned out okay. The timer went off earlier than we thought and it was buzzing when we came in the door and instead of turning the oven to off, Joyce had turned it to broil.

The foil “tent” saved us. And it hadn’t been on very long, luckily.

Elaine made Joyce’s plate first and got her seated, which is extremely necessary otherwise her Mom will stand in the middle of the kitchen not knowing how or where to start.

It was hovering in the air……the prayer I felt. You can’t very well have Thanksgiving without a prayer. So I snagged her as she fixed her plate and made her a party to my “on the fly” prayer. She bowed her head as I prayed, what else could she do? I said, “That’s okay, right? I wanted to avoid…….” Of course, she knew what I was trying to avoid. The prayer at the table.

Because to be honest right now? Praying at the table is hard because I have all these conflicting emotions. To be honest I want to gulp my glass of wine and start eating. Mealtimes have been stressful, not relaxing.

She looked up after my hasty Amen. She knew I was looking for justification. She said, “Do what you can live with in your heart.” And the words dropped like warm rain of grace onto my heart because she said them with such love. “Yes, it would be easier not to, and my Mom really doesn’t care one way or the other, but it’s for Him.”

And those words of conviction hit their mark like fiery darts. She and the Holy Spirit were working as a team and it really wasn’t fair. But she was right, and there was power behind her words; it’s how she has lived these very hard two years, really the whole of her life.

Because though her parents have never treated her right, she has been Jesus to them, again and again.

We got seated, and with a freshly washed cleansed and convicted heart, I said a prayer. And I felt it.

As I prayed this morning in my “Prayer Shed” I thanked God for friends who love enough to convict me and turn me around. Who don’t cut me any slack. And I know she is thankful for me for the exact same reasons.

Thanking the Lord for His endless patience with me today.

I may as well be a leper

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I see the look on their faces when I answer their question, “Where did you go to school?” Meaning college of course. Inwardly, I look down in shame, scuff my feet and blush crimson. “I don’t have a degree.” There is usually an awkward pause, “Oh……” I can imagine what they are thinking. They wonder how I managed to finagle a job here at Intel. One of the places where education is held in very high esteem, in fact, you can’t get hired here now without a degree. But back when I was hired, you could. And I did.

And now it’s seventeen years later…..and I sometimes think, I wonder when they will catch on and fire me.

And I always have to qualify it with something, like…”But I have had SOME college.” And I have, and I really liked it. My first course I got an A. I was so proud of that, I can still remember the feeling I had when I went to the board and saw it posted there. By MY name. A few years ago I took English 102 and I was sure the teacher’s main objective was to make my experience as miserable as possible. And I like English.

It was a battle, but I passed with a B and I think it killed her to give it to me.

I get the same feeling when people ask me if I have kids or….. Ahem….. grandkids, now that I am older. I feel somewhat branded by a sense of shame, like they will automatically think I don’t like kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have a niece who I would jump in front of a truck for anytime, anywhere.

Note: If you feel shame today that is either self imposed or pushed on you by someone else, either intentionally or otherwise, know that it’s from Satan. Jesus died and rose again to release us from that.

And really, people just want to understand. It’s easier to put people in a box and classify them. It’s too confusing for them otherwise. It complicates things. People don’t want to spend too much time figuring people out. And I really don’t blame them, I’m the same way. I like things simple.

So here’s the deal:

I don’t have a wonderful husband with three beautiful children, although if you do I think it’s wonderful. I believe healthy marriages and families make a strong and happy society. I believe in family values more than anyone I know.

I don’t have a degree of higher learning, although I think education is wonderful. If you are going for it, I am a little bit jealous and I wish I would have done it.

I do, however, have a wonderful home and a God who loves me and accepts me just as I am. I have lots of love in my life, including that of my family and a best friend and soul sister who I know would give her life for me without a thought. We do live in the same house, but we are not gay for those who may have wondered. Seinfeld moment here, let the reader understand if they have seen the episode.

I am a living testimony of a Mom who always said she didn’t care how far I went in school as long as I had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and for that I will be forever grateful.

My life is a living testimony of God’s provision and care because when my brand new husband died, God came near and never left my side by surrounding me with people who refused to let me go.

As I get older I get a bit wiser. I have learned to care more about what God thinks of me than strangers. I rest in the people who know me and love me, and when it comes right down to it, people are really too concerned about their own lives to pay too much attention to what’s going on in mine or yours.

Bein real today.

When you feel stuck

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We were pulling into Home Depot, taking back some citronella oil to exchange it for some plug adapters for the Christmas lights we were putting up. We were talking about “the Decision” yet again, the one that would place her Mom into a care facility.

She said, “Living has become a chore, I am so exhausted all the time and my joy is gone.”

I sighed for her, “Yeah,” I said, “The exhausting part is that you are continually having this debate with yourself about how much is too much and if you have reached your limit yet.” Is there a limit?  It’s like  the Chinese water torture.

Drip……I can’t take anymore…….Drip……..Have I had enough? Drip……..I’ve reached my limit…….Drip…..I’m okay……Drip…….No I’m not…..Drip……I am going insane……Drip…..Drip

One day is terrible and then the next is not too bad so you go on. Is there some definitive answer out there as to how much is too much? If there is, would someone tell me? Would God tell me? And when the entire decision rests on your shoulders it’s a very lonely place to be.

The debate is endless, like fishing for the right answer but the right answer doesn’t come because your emotions are so tied up in it. The right answer could very well be staring you right in the face but you’d more than likely talk yourself out of it.

The wearing down of your body, mind and soul takes its toll. The way it should happen is this: one definitive stone is tossed onto the pile of rocks that are stacked so precariously. It’s the one stone that would remove all doubt and make the decision easy.  The pile comes toppling down and then you know it’s time.

And when you’re a Christian, while you thank God you have Him because you surely couldn’t do it without Him, you also wonder what He expects. You want to do the right thing but sometimes it just feels like  God is up there waiting for you to say “Uncle.” When your shoulders are bowing under the weight of your own personal cross, it’s easy to forget that Jesus stands ready to shoulder the load for you.  He carried the biggest one already. So today, whatever it is you are going through, pray this prayer:

Father, thank you for loving me enough to send your only Son to carry the big burden once and for all so that He could also handle our smaller ones. I give you this today, right now. I can’t carry it anymore, it’s too heavy. Lighten my load and the sadness in my heart and give strength to my weary bones. In Jesus precious name, Amen.

This past week, the call was made to set wheels in motion for placement. And it was and is, very, very hard. It’s hard because it feels alot like failing even when nothing is further than the truth. That is a lie from the enemy.

Ultimately, no one can tell you when that time is right except for you.  When you know in your heart of hearts that you did all you could do, and you know that God knows too; that is when you take that peace and hold it close, and know that you can do a “trust fall” back on God and know that He’ll catch you.

Every single time.

The Visitation

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The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you can’t explain how people are born of the Spirit.” John 4:6

It was in December and the needle had just touched down on the album I was playing……that’s how you know this was years ago. It was albums and cassette tapes back then, not CDs. I remember looking out the window and seeing the ghostly white  fog as it enveloped the street. I felt cloaked in it, safe almost. The neighborhood seemed hushed, shrouded.

As the first strains to O Holy Night filled the air, I may have been praying or I may not have, I really don’t remember. All I do remember was that one minute I was listening to the song, and the next minute the Presence of the Holy Spirit appeared in that room. The words to that song were like hammer blows to my heart.

My soul was pierced. I didn’t see Jesus on the cross, but somehow I felt the magnitude of what He did and the depth and weight of His love was overwhelming. It was the deepest sense of humility I have ever felt before or since, and all I could do was bow my head to the ground and weep.

I thought about all the times in the Bible when angels revealed themselves and all the people could do was fall at their feet. I wept and cried from a place deeper than I ever thought possible. It was confusing, it was beautiful, and it was agony in the Spirit all at once because I felt the sorrow of God like an offering.

Wave upon wave it engulfed me. And it could have lasted 5 minutes or it may have been an hour. I lost track of time.

I remember the song ending  and I desperately didn’t want that Presence to leave so I played it again, and He stayed for a little while but then like a vapor He was gone. Like the Spirit on the day of Pentecost, He came and went like the wind.

And sometimes I still try to figure out why.

Why that particular day, why me?

And then I accept it once again for what it was……..a gracious gift from a God who loves me. If I ever doubted His presence before, I never did after that day. It remains a pure and untarnished moment as clear now as when it first happened all those years ago when Heaven came down.

How about you? Do you have a similar story of a time in your life when God came near? I would love to hear about it.

On Christmas trees and such…..

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I walk around flipping switches and lights blaze from every corner. But when I flip that switch and they come on? I smile, because I think of the light of Christ that shines brightly in my heart. Because the truth is, sometimes you just need a little bit extra light to dispel the darkness. When I see those lights, inside and out I remember that no matter what else is going on, the light of Christ always outshines the darkness.

Every……single…..time.

Oh, I have heard all the arguments line by line, telling me how Pagan it is, how there is no basis in Scripture for this celebration, after all, the ancient church didn’t celebrate it. They have tried to shame me into unplugging. But so far, it hasn’t worked. And, yes, the light of Christ is already blazing forth in my heart. I shouldn’t need this extra, and really need doesn’t have anything to do with it. I am still unmoved by all the arguments against it. Personally, I believe that Jesus nailed all that other stuff to the cross along with Himself.

It all goes back to intent of the heart. I say, if you are persuaded that it really is wrong, then not to do so is right. Your conscience is clear and you are doing what you believe God wants you to do then God bless you for it. But if you want to celebrate it, means go buy another tree and another string of lights and blaze on and God bless you for that. God looks at the intent of our hearts my friends.

And His blood and His grace covers us all.

As I go around this house this morning, I smile when I see the lights. I know what they are for and who they represent. I know my Savior and He’s in the world today. Lights or no lights.

Meanwhile today, we have an appointment scheduled that will determine when and where Elaine’s Mom will get placed. It is time, and it was the hardest phone call she ever had to make.

And there is a Christmas trip waiting in the wings of doubt……to go or not to go? I think of how Elaine put up lights outside yesterday when it was the last thing on God’s green earth she felt like doing. She felt the cloud of today’s appointment over her head, looming. And yet she put lights up, and the Nativity……and we laughed because every year we scratch our heads because we have to stop and think how the interlocking pieces fit together. And in the end, she was glad she did it.

And in life, just like Christmas, no matter what ever else is going on….that light keeps on shining in the darkness, and the darkness can do nothing but flee.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

Just Believe

 

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You have everything you need…..if you just believe………”Believe” from Polar Express

What is it about Christmas that has the power to conjure up our most tender and joyful memories, or deepest regrets of all that we wished for, but never received? What makes us even as grown adults long for it still. What about it evokes such longing in our hearts and brings the faint possibility of hope in mankind when everything we see on the news seems to defy it?

Because deep in our hearts, we know that the hope of Christmas is real.

I don’t have to stick a sign in my yard that tells me Jesus is the reason for the season because I already know it. And the world knows it too. You don’t have to be raised in church to know whose birth we celebrate. 

December 1st is the day I give myself permission to open the floodgates on celebrating. The outside Nativity will go up, and the bare corner awaits the main tree. The cats are happy with the extra things to play in and around and each year they love to roost under the tree. They think  it’s their own personal forest.

And each year hope is kindled anew.

This morning I listened to the Christmas CD I made last year. The second song is “Believe” from the Polar Express. I think of what my Dad told me once….”The kid in that movie is me.” He told me how every year for him Christmas started the same way, full of hopes and dreams, and every year it ended with his Mom and Dad getting drunk and yelling and screaming.

And then I think of Elaine, who had every toy she ever got taken away or broken by her oldest brother. She could never count on it being there, she could always count on it being taken.

And the little girl on her bus yesterday who told her: “I may get to see the Christmas lights, if my Mom and Dad aren’t fighting this year.” Then she went on to describe how every year she goes and visits Santa at the North Pole. She asked Elaine, “Have you ever been?” Like it was the most normal thing in the world. When Elaine asked her how she went, she said, “Well, first we take the car, then we take a plane, then we take the train to meet Santa, and he always gives me a hug.”

Her heart melted, of course.

In light of all that, I was reduced to a puddle of tears when I listened to the song this morning, beautifully sung by “my celebrity boyfriend” Josh Groban. His voice just does things to my heart, and of course it doesn’t hurt that he looks that way.

But here is the true reality of Christmas, and why it never has to disappoint, ever again:  

The scripture says, “Whoever believes in him will not be disappointed.” Romans 10:11

Every deepest longing we ever had can be found in the person of Jesus Christ. He is able to fulfill our every expectation, our every hope, because He is a living hope. You can buy everything under the sun, but if you don’t have Christ, you don’t have Christmas.

It doesn’t have to matter if we never got that red bicycle, if we have Christ, we have it all. So I am going to celebrate with gusto and lift my voice along with the angels…..

“For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:11

And each and every day, He is born in our hearts anew……

And a very Happy Birthday today to my niece from her Auntie Lori! Ten years ago today you were born and worked your magic on all our hearts. I hope you enjoy your box of purple gifts!  I love you and miss you.