We were pulling into Home Depot, taking back some citronella oil to exchange it for some plug adapters for the Christmas lights we were putting up. We were talking about “the Decision” yet again, the one that would place her Mom into a care facility.
She said, “Living has become a chore, I am so exhausted all the time and my joy is gone.”
I sighed for her, “Yeah,” I said, “The exhausting part is that you are continually having this debate with yourself about how much is too much and if you have reached your limit yet.” Is there a limit? It’s like the Chinese water torture.
Drip……I can’t take anymore…….Drip……..Have I had enough? Drip……..I’ve reached my limit…….Drip…..I’m okay……Drip…….No I’m not…..Drip……I am going insane……Drip…..Drip
One day is terrible and then the next is not too bad so you go on. Is there some definitive answer out there as to how much is too much? If there is, would someone tell me? Would God tell me? And when the entire decision rests on your shoulders it’s a very lonely place to be.
The debate is endless, like fishing for the right answer but the right answer doesn’t come because your emotions are so tied up in it. The right answer could very well be staring you right in the face but you’d more than likely talk yourself out of it.
The wearing down of your body, mind and soul takes its toll. The way it should happen is this: one definitive stone is tossed onto the pile of rocks that are stacked so precariously. It’s the one stone that would remove all doubt and make the decision easy. The pile comes toppling down and then you know it’s time.
And when you’re a Christian, while you thank God you have Him because you surely couldn’t do it without Him, you also wonder what He expects. You want to do the right thing but sometimes it just feels like God is up there waiting for you to say “Uncle.” When your shoulders are bowing under the weight of your own personal cross, it’s easy to forget that Jesus stands ready to shoulder the load for you. He carried the biggest one already. So today, whatever it is you are going through, pray this prayer:
Father, thank you for loving me enough to send your only Son to carry the big burden once and for all so that He could also handle our smaller ones. I give you this today, right now. I can’t carry it anymore, it’s too heavy. Lighten my load and the sadness in my heart and give strength to my weary bones. In Jesus precious name, Amen.
This past week, the call was made to set wheels in motion for placement. And it was and is, very, very hard. It’s hard because it feels alot like failing even when nothing is further than the truth. That is a lie from the enemy.
Ultimately, no one can tell you when that time is right except for you. When you know in your heart of hearts that you did all you could do, and you know that God knows too; that is when you take that peace and hold it close, and know that you can do a “trust fall” back on God and know that He’ll catch you.
Every single time.