I may as well be a leper

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I see the look on their faces when I answer their question, “Where did you go to school?” Meaning college of course. Inwardly, I look down in shame, scuff my feet and blush crimson. “I don’t have a degree.” There is usually an awkward pause, “Oh……” I can imagine what they are thinking. They wonder how I managed to finagle a job here at Intel. One of the places where education is held in very high esteem, in fact, you can’t get hired here now without a degree. But back when I was hired, you could. And I did.

And now it’s seventeen years later…..and I sometimes think, I wonder when they will catch on and fire me.

And I always have to qualify it with something, like…”But I have had SOME college.” And I have, and I really liked it. My first course I got an A. I was so proud of that, I can still remember the feeling I had when I went to the board and saw it posted there. By MY name. A few years ago I took English 102 and I was sure the teacher’s main objective was to make my experience as miserable as possible. And I like English.

It was a battle, but I passed with a B and I think it killed her to give it to me.

I get the same feeling when people ask me if I have kids or….. Ahem….. grandkids, now that I am older. I feel somewhat branded by a sense of shame, like they will automatically think I don’t like kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have a niece who I would jump in front of a truck for anytime, anywhere.

Note: If you feel shame today that is either self imposed or pushed on you by someone else, either intentionally or otherwise, know that it’s from Satan. Jesus died and rose again to release us from that.

And really, people just want to understand. It’s easier to put people in a box and classify them. It’s too confusing for them otherwise. It complicates things. People don’t want to spend too much time figuring people out. And I really don’t blame them, I’m the same way. I like things simple.

So here’s the deal:

I don’t have a wonderful husband with three beautiful children, although if you do I think it’s wonderful. I believe healthy marriages and families make a strong and happy society. I believe in family values more than anyone I know.

I don’t have a degree of higher learning, although I think education is wonderful. If you are going for it, I am a little bit jealous and I wish I would have done it.

I do, however, have a wonderful home and a God who loves me and accepts me just as I am. I have lots of love in my life, including that of my family and a best friend and soul sister who I know would give her life for me without a thought. We do live in the same house, but we are not gay for those who may have wondered. Seinfeld moment here, let the reader understand if they have seen the episode.

I am a living testimony of a Mom who always said she didn’t care how far I went in school as long as I had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and for that I will be forever grateful.

My life is a living testimony of God’s provision and care because when my brand new husband died, God came near and never left my side by surrounding me with people who refused to let me go.

As I get older I get a bit wiser. I have learned to care more about what God thinks of me than strangers. I rest in the people who know me and love me, and when it comes right down to it, people are really too concerned about their own lives to pay too much attention to what’s going on in mine or yours.

Bein real today.

When you feel stuck

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We were pulling into Home Depot, taking back some citronella oil to exchange it for some plug adapters for the Christmas lights we were putting up. We were talking about “the Decision” yet again, the one that would place her Mom into a care facility.

She said, “Living has become a chore, I am so exhausted all the time and my joy is gone.”

I sighed for her, “Yeah,” I said, “The exhausting part is that you are continually having this debate with yourself about how much is too much and if you have reached your limit yet.” Is there a limit?  It’s like  the Chinese water torture.

Drip……I can’t take anymore…….Drip……..Have I had enough? Drip……..I’ve reached my limit…….Drip…..I’m okay……Drip…….No I’m not…..Drip……I am going insane……Drip…..Drip

One day is terrible and then the next is not too bad so you go on. Is there some definitive answer out there as to how much is too much? If there is, would someone tell me? Would God tell me? And when the entire decision rests on your shoulders it’s a very lonely place to be.

The debate is endless, like fishing for the right answer but the right answer doesn’t come because your emotions are so tied up in it. The right answer could very well be staring you right in the face but you’d more than likely talk yourself out of it.

The wearing down of your body, mind and soul takes its toll. The way it should happen is this: one definitive stone is tossed onto the pile of rocks that are stacked so precariously. It’s the one stone that would remove all doubt and make the decision easy.  The pile comes toppling down and then you know it’s time.

And when you’re a Christian, while you thank God you have Him because you surely couldn’t do it without Him, you also wonder what He expects. You want to do the right thing but sometimes it just feels like  God is up there waiting for you to say “Uncle.” When your shoulders are bowing under the weight of your own personal cross, it’s easy to forget that Jesus stands ready to shoulder the load for you.  He carried the biggest one already. So today, whatever it is you are going through, pray this prayer:

Father, thank you for loving me enough to send your only Son to carry the big burden once and for all so that He could also handle our smaller ones. I give you this today, right now. I can’t carry it anymore, it’s too heavy. Lighten my load and the sadness in my heart and give strength to my weary bones. In Jesus precious name, Amen.

This past week, the call was made to set wheels in motion for placement. And it was and is, very, very hard. It’s hard because it feels alot like failing even when nothing is further than the truth. That is a lie from the enemy.

Ultimately, no one can tell you when that time is right except for you.  When you know in your heart of hearts that you did all you could do, and you know that God knows too; that is when you take that peace and hold it close, and know that you can do a “trust fall” back on God and know that He’ll catch you.

Every single time.

The Visitation

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The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you can’t explain how people are born of the Spirit.” John 4:6

It was in December and the needle had just touched down on the album I was playing……that’s how you know this was years ago. It was albums and cassette tapes back then, not CDs. I remember looking out the window and seeing the ghostly white  fog as it enveloped the street. I felt cloaked in it, safe almost. The neighborhood seemed hushed, shrouded.

As the first strains to O Holy Night filled the air, I may have been praying or I may not have, I really don’t remember. All I do remember was that one minute I was listening to the song, and the next minute the Presence of the Holy Spirit appeared in that room. The words to that song were like hammer blows to my heart.

My soul was pierced. I didn’t see Jesus on the cross, but somehow I felt the magnitude of what He did and the depth and weight of His love was overwhelming. It was the deepest sense of humility I have ever felt before or since, and all I could do was bow my head to the ground and weep.

I thought about all the times in the Bible when angels revealed themselves and all the people could do was fall at their feet. I wept and cried from a place deeper than I ever thought possible. It was confusing, it was beautiful, and it was agony in the Spirit all at once because I felt the sorrow of God like an offering.

Wave upon wave it engulfed me. And it could have lasted 5 minutes or it may have been an hour. I lost track of time.

I remember the song ending  and I desperately didn’t want that Presence to leave so I played it again, and He stayed for a little while but then like a vapor He was gone. Like the Spirit on the day of Pentecost, He came and went like the wind.

And sometimes I still try to figure out why.

Why that particular day, why me?

And then I accept it once again for what it was……..a gracious gift from a God who loves me. If I ever doubted His presence before, I never did after that day. It remains a pure and untarnished moment as clear now as when it first happened all those years ago when Heaven came down.

How about you? Do you have a similar story of a time in your life when God came near? I would love to hear about it.

On Christmas trees and such…..

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I walk around flipping switches and lights blaze from every corner. But when I flip that switch and they come on? I smile, because I think of the light of Christ that shines brightly in my heart. Because the truth is, sometimes you just need a little bit extra light to dispel the darkness. When I see those lights, inside and out I remember that no matter what else is going on, the light of Christ always outshines the darkness.

Every……single…..time.

Oh, I have heard all the arguments line by line, telling me how Pagan it is, how there is no basis in Scripture for this celebration, after all, the ancient church didn’t celebrate it. They have tried to shame me into unplugging. But so far, it hasn’t worked. And, yes, the light of Christ is already blazing forth in my heart. I shouldn’t need this extra, and really need doesn’t have anything to do with it. I am still unmoved by all the arguments against it. Personally, I believe that Jesus nailed all that other stuff to the cross along with Himself.

It all goes back to intent of the heart. I say, if you are persuaded that it really is wrong, then not to do so is right. Your conscience is clear and you are doing what you believe God wants you to do then God bless you for it. But if you want to celebrate it, means go buy another tree and another string of lights and blaze on and God bless you for that. God looks at the intent of our hearts my friends.

And His blood and His grace covers us all.

As I go around this house this morning, I smile when I see the lights. I know what they are for and who they represent. I know my Savior and He’s in the world today. Lights or no lights.

Meanwhile today, we have an appointment scheduled that will determine when and where Elaine’s Mom will get placed. It is time, and it was the hardest phone call she ever had to make.

And there is a Christmas trip waiting in the wings of doubt……to go or not to go? I think of how Elaine put up lights outside yesterday when it was the last thing on God’s green earth she felt like doing. She felt the cloud of today’s appointment over her head, looming. And yet she put lights up, and the Nativity……and we laughed because every year we scratch our heads because we have to stop and think how the interlocking pieces fit together. And in the end, she was glad she did it.

And in life, just like Christmas, no matter what ever else is going on….that light keeps on shining in the darkness, and the darkness can do nothing but flee.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

Just Believe

 

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You have everything you need…..if you just believe………”Believe” from Polar Express

What is it about Christmas that has the power to conjure up our most tender and joyful memories, or deepest regrets of all that we wished for, but never received? What makes us even as grown adults long for it still. What about it evokes such longing in our hearts and brings the faint possibility of hope in mankind when everything we see on the news seems to defy it?

Because deep in our hearts, we know that the hope of Christmas is real.

I don’t have to stick a sign in my yard that tells me Jesus is the reason for the season because I already know it. And the world knows it too. You don’t have to be raised in church to know whose birth we celebrate. 

December 1st is the day I give myself permission to open the floodgates on celebrating. The outside Nativity will go up, and the bare corner awaits the main tree. The cats are happy with the extra things to play in and around and each year they love to roost under the tree. They think  it’s their own personal forest.

And each year hope is kindled anew.

This morning I listened to the Christmas CD I made last year. The second song is “Believe” from the Polar Express. I think of what my Dad told me once….”The kid in that movie is me.” He told me how every year for him Christmas started the same way, full of hopes and dreams, and every year it ended with his Mom and Dad getting drunk and yelling and screaming.

And then I think of Elaine, who had every toy she ever got taken away or broken by her oldest brother. She could never count on it being there, she could always count on it being taken.

And the little girl on her bus yesterday who told her: “I may get to see the Christmas lights, if my Mom and Dad aren’t fighting this year.” Then she went on to describe how every year she goes and visits Santa at the North Pole. She asked Elaine, “Have you ever been?” Like it was the most normal thing in the world. When Elaine asked her how she went, she said, “Well, first we take the car, then we take a plane, then we take the train to meet Santa, and he always gives me a hug.”

Her heart melted, of course.

In light of all that, I was reduced to a puddle of tears when I listened to the song this morning, beautifully sung by “my celebrity boyfriend” Josh Groban. His voice just does things to my heart, and of course it doesn’t hurt that he looks that way.

But here is the true reality of Christmas, and why it never has to disappoint, ever again:  

The scripture says, “Whoever believes in him will not be disappointed.” Romans 10:11

Every deepest longing we ever had can be found in the person of Jesus Christ. He is able to fulfill our every expectation, our every hope, because He is a living hope. You can buy everything under the sun, but if you don’t have Christ, you don’t have Christmas.

It doesn’t have to matter if we never got that red bicycle, if we have Christ, we have it all. So I am going to celebrate with gusto and lift my voice along with the angels…..

“For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:11

And each and every day, He is born in our hearts anew……

And a very Happy Birthday today to my niece from her Auntie Lori! Ten years ago today you were born and worked your magic on all our hearts. I hope you enjoy your box of purple gifts!  I love you and miss you.

Make God a part of your day

Are you making God a part of your plan today? You are in His plan, and thoughts…….This is what the Bible says:

“Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, and He will hear my voice.” Psalm 55:17 NAS

“Thou hast taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Thy bottle; Are they not in Thy book?” Psalm 56:8 NAS

“You know when I sit and when I rise; you percieve my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down.” Psalm 139:2,3

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” Isaiah 49:16

Get up early, find some time, get alone with the One who wants to know you……I am convinced that the heart that honestly seeks Him, finds Him. Just talk to Him, prayer is just that, talking to Him like you talk to your best friend. Pour everything out in your own words. He likes plain honest talk and He doesn’t care if you leave out the Thee’s and Thou’s, He just wants real honest prayer from your heart. He already knows your innermost thoughts, but it is amazing how much better you feel when you tell Him anyway!

Thank you, Lord for meeting me this morning. Thank you that I am always on Your calendar, even if You are not always on mine.

I love you, God.

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The Gift of Laughter

A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

Have you ever seen someone sitting together in a restaurant and they look like they never ever laugh? I was blessed enough to have been raised in a household where laughter was always present. I truly believe it is one of the best gifts a parent can pass onto a child. My Dad and I were notorious for getting in trouble for laughing when we weren’t supposed to. My Mom used to separate us in church. Invariably we would see the same exact thing and that would start an avalanche of uncontrollable laughter. We went to a very somber Baptist church. I think they really thought laughter was a sin, and especially laughing in church.

The church I attend now actually sometimes uses props and videos from comedians…I can appreciate that.

There is plenty to be serious about these days. But there are plenty of things to laugh at as well, just look around! Elaine and I laugh at something just about every day, though sometimes she thinks my slapstick humor is a bit sick. I can’t help it if I think it’s funny when people fall down or trip over carpets. Of course only if someone doesn’t get hurt. I figure if someone is doing a stunt on their own volition, then I have the right to laugh at them. Hey, I laugh when I fall down too. Let’s face it, Charlie Chaplin didn’t get to be a star because he shot out one liners, but because he fell a lot.

Humor is a gift from God, to be sure. To be able to laugh at ourselves means you can shrug off the stuff that you shouldn’t waste time on, so that you can take the really big stuff that happens seriously enough to be able to get through it with grace and God’s help.

My folks have been married for 62 years are still laughing. I called them from work the other day and they were just coming home from having the car fixed. Instead of their Minivan they were in the old Bronco. My Mom had nothing to hold onto to get in the car so my Dad was trying to push her from behind. He was laughing, and I could hear her in the background, “just get your hands off me, I can get in just fine.”  Then I heard her start to laugh.

They both started laughing so hard they had to hang up.

Many people in the Bible laughed, and there are even references about God laughing. I think Jesus must have found humor in many things on this earth. I love to think what His laughter sounded like. Laughter is the best gift…….I challenge you to find something funny today, I can almost guarantee you will.

Reposted from 2010

An Ecclesiastes kind of day

Some days are pretty much good all the way through, but most days are a mixture. Sprinklings of sorrow and hope with splashes of unexpected joy thrown in. A mixed bag. Yesterday was no exception. I started doing some decorating for Christmas which always puts me in a good mood. And every year I say I won’t do as much but I always do anyway. Once I get started I don’t want to stop. I do moving and unpacking the same way, I pull a marathon. I don’t want to stop until it’s done, then I collapse.

We got a call that our former neighbor Estelle passed away. She had just celebrated her 89th Birthday. I had just finished hanging the little lace angels she left me on each side of my bedroom tree earlier that morning…..yes, I do have a bedroom tree. Victorian. So that was sad, and yet she was a believer, so it was also cause for celebration. That, and she won’t have prolonged suffering at a nursing home or hospital. I like to think she saw Jesus first, then her husband Al, whom she missed and talked about so much.

I decorated pretty much the whole day. And in the middle of it all, Elaine’s Mom was doing her usual pacing in and out, but with a twist this time. I kept noticed her going through her purse looking for something, which she does every now and then. She seemed agitated. Some days she doesn’t touch her purse, other days it is a source of consternation and focus for the whole day. Yesterday she grabbed her purse and headed out the door like she was running away from home. I watched her to make sure she brought her purse back, that meant she was only going “around the horn” as she puts it. Around the block. In a gated park, our “blocks” are small.

When Elaine came home she did it again. Grabbed her purse and took off. So Elaine finally made the call to the Doctor that will set in motion her placement at an Alzheimer’s unit. We both have to work, and we can’t leave knowing that she may take off. It is no longer safe. That was a hard call for her to make, but it had to be done.

At 9:00 last night I was still dragging stuff out of storage. Elaine asked if I was ever going to sit down.

So, Christmas has come to our house. Three Nativity scenes, one of which I added cats to, I just know they had to be there.  I like to think one of them crept up to where Jesus lay and kept him warm. Four small trees, assorted wreathes, garland, star lights, animals in the sleigh, big Costco Santa, and squirrel helper, big Costco Snowman, and a big gaping hole where the main tree will go this weekend.

It was a day of hardship, joy, sadness but ultimately we know we will be okay, because we know the Savior.

I will say, not rest in peace Estelle, but enjoy the beginning of the rest of your life in Heaven!

I will see you there when God calls me home.

“But thanks be to God!He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:57,58

When Christmas seems impossible

She said, “I don’t know if I can go through with it.” It was all getting too complicated. “It” was the trip we had planned over Christmas. Saved for and scheduled. One of the most frustrating things about caregiving is you can never quite look forward to anything. Like the mirage of a flowing stream in the desert, plans have a way of vanishing as soon as you get too close. She said, “I didn’t want to mention it today, because I knew it would make you sad.” We were going up the escalator in the mall, and I felt the cloud of it following us. I knew she was overwhelmed. And again, I felt the injustice of it all. The pack on her back is getting heavier and no one is stepping up. Not even for a week.

Just then I remembered what I used to hear my Dad say every Christmas, “All I want is to go to a cabin in the woods.” He used to get a light in his eyes as he said it. I never got that, but I do now. The peace and simplicity of it all beckons like never before.

“Why do they get a choice?” I said, “Where is your choice?”

“It’s not as if you were waving your hand and saying, Pick me, pick me, when all this was decided.”

And still trying to take the blame, to shoulder it all, she says: “Maybe I should have handled it differently in the beginning, made them take part of the responsibility.” But the truth is, they still would have backed away, made excuses as to why not.

We made our way to the children’s section…….we were shopping for Birthday gifts for my niece,  having a day of purple in her honor. It’s her favorite color right now. I found the sweater with the lime green heart I saw in the ad, but we couldn’t pass up the striped top with the matching down vest. Kohl’s yielded a pair of purple boots and we were all set.

Later, as we sat at the food court watching people weave around and through us, all the humanity. All of us in the muck and the mire of being down here living life and I get the feeling that so many of these people have no idea what they are supposed to be celebrating. She said, “If I have to put her in a home over Christmas?” She didn’t finish, but I finished for her. “I know,” I said, “Your Mom hasn’t cared about Christmas for 30 years, but you do.”

Her head nodded affirmative…..sadly.

And last night after the Mall I watched her as she sat at the kitchen counter, separating out the purple sprinkles from the rest so that Lauryn would have a dash of purple on the swirl of pink cupcake that would go in the Birthday box. I thought of the Bible verse that says, “Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” I thought, how blessed am I to have a friend who would, who does.

But honestly, I wondered. Where is reward for that kind of love, and should it not be rewarded? The outrage of it all flared at my heart. I remembered where she spent last Christmas, alone with her Mom at the hospital, not even knowing if she’d make it through. And all of a sudden, what I want more than anything in the world is for her to be happy, to be able to go on this trip.

And despite all this impossibility……Jesus touches down. In our hearts. And I am so thankful, because He turns impossibilities into possibilities.

Each and every day by His grace.

Note: this was rewritten, my earlier one was deleted. Sorry for any wierd posts today!