Reflection

Can we talk????

I heard a quote somewhere that said something like, “we view ourselves as our mothers see us“…….I probably mangled the quote, and I really can’t remember where I read it, but the meaning stuck with me. Could it actually be true? There is no stronger bond than that of the parent and child, or more complex. If that is true, then the bond between Moms and Daughters is even more complicated.

For every daughter who has a mom worthy of the glowing phrases found in a Hallmark card, I am sure there are 4 or 5 that don’t. I am very blessed and grateful that it has always been easy for me to celebrate Mom’s day. My mom has made it so. She was there emotionally and physically for me, always…..she still is, I am happy to say.

Some daughters spend their whole lives trying to “get over” their mother. And some spend all their lives trying to please a mother who will not be pleased; who remains as emotionally and physically available as a brick wall. My best friend comes to mind immediately. Sometimes, as she says, “I thank her for doing the best she could at the time, and for giving me life.” I don’t know that I could be as gracious as she is.

My Mom always hated Mother’s Day. Finding a card was always difficult. My Grandmother was emotionally distant and critical of her daughters and yet displayed open affection for her son. In her defense, she lost a precious little girl to a shooting accident when she was only four. I often wonder if she just couldn’t allow herself to show affection for my Mom and Aunts because of her guilt about Annie.

Some things she did do right. She created a warm atmosphere in their home in many ways. They always came home to meals and home baked pastries and a clean house. To her credit, she was very demonstrative in her love for me and my brother. I think mixed in with her love for me was pity, since I was born 3 months premature and was a small pale child. She was always trying to feed me.

Even great moms struggle with guilt……they think they haven’t done enough. They see the mistakes they made instead of all the things they did right. My Mom told me on the phone yesterday, “It’s hard for me to think of myself as a good Mom.” I was floored.

As daughters we tend to remember that one barb that stuck, that one hurtful thing our Mom said that she may not have even been aware of saying, nevertheless we remember it.

Mother’s Day for those of us without kids can be uncomfortable. An innocent question like, “What are you doing for Mother’s Day” and all of a sudden I feel like I am on the other end of the Spanish Inquisition about why I don’t have kids. Most of the time it’s all in my head. They just asked a question, after all.

Just because I haven’t had any doesn’t mean I haven’t mothered in some way shape or form. In fact, I feel very sure that within all women there resides a she-wolf  that would step in front of a truck to save even someone else’s child. Its just a part of who we are.

There’s a whole world of children out there who have benefited by someone who picked up where Mom left off. Someone who sacrificed without giving it a second thought. Auntie, Grandma, best friend, teacher……Imagine where some of those kids would be if no one had stepped up.

There was one moment in particular when I felt like I was briefly ushered in to the Mommy community. I was dropping my little niece Lauryn off at school when I noticed the booger hanging halfway out her cute little nose. Instantly I was mortified that she might be teased by her classmates, so I took my bare finger (cause that was all I had) and got it out for her. Then I understood that thing that comes alive in you as a parent. That thing that says, I will do whatever it takes to protect you.

So today I honor all Mothers in whatever capacity you serve. Because being a good Mom is the toughest job in the world and one of the most important assignments God will ever give you. You deserve more than just one day…..

“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” — Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

Looking back to what’s ahead…..

“Keep your face to the sunshine
and you cannot see the shadow.
It’s what sunflowers do.”
by Helen Keller

Been thinking about………Soft answers. And how the Bible says they turn away wrath. All this time I was thinking it was to turn away the hearer’s wrath, but maybe the whole point is to turn away the wrath of the deliverer as well.

There is always more behind what Jesus says. The Bible is filled with layers. The more I read it the more layers and meanings God reveals.

Life sometimes feels like it’s going frightfully fast. I find myself wanting to stop the stream of it, plug the hole with my finger to keep it from flowing, rushing past……stop it in midstream. And yet I want to move fast forward to retirement. Maybe, I think, life will move more slowly after that. If I can only just get there.

Meanwhile, during the night our minds manufacture dreams through our fears, joys and sorrows. I dreamed one night that I had pulled up to a campsite bulletin board. You know the kind where people put their paperplate message on the board so you will know where to find them? Except I awoke, heart pounding, because I realized they were gone and I could not go where they were.

They went to the place of too much time gone by……Aren’t we all drifting there, even now?

I wonder? Is that part of what drives us to write? To stop time, freeze the moment. Never forget?

These days I find getting older brings a certain comfort. Comfort in knowing the truths I have believed for so long have been verified, proven true. Only years and experience teaches that. Not any school that I know of, except the school that God puts us through.

The more I read the Bible, the more it becomes alive. The more try to live it, the more I know it’s true. And when I clutch it to my chest I can actually feel it saving me. It is a book like no other, it is pulsating with life…..

Redemptive power of both the redeemed and the Redeemer.

And this is one song that has no end.

The song of the redeemed. Let Heaven and nature sing.

Just for today

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. 13 No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 4:12-14

My prayer journal this morning:

Just for today, Lord, help me to embrace this day, knowing that each day holds hope with You. Help me not spend too much time in the past or future, for that robs the present. Too much time thinking about the path behind me leads to over-analyzing and regret that paralyzes my actions today. I want to see today in full color, Lord and not miss the moment.

And help me also, not to waste time worrying about the future. Try as I might, I can’t see what’s around the bend. And if I try to run ahead, I realize that is not part of Your plan. Every time you obscure what I am so desperately trying to figure out.

Help me to learn the lesson of the manna…….only enough for one day and one day only.

You have placed me right here in this present and it’s no accident. You meant for me to be right here. In this decade, year, month……day…..moment.

These moments are manna…….while fluffy manna floating down out of Your hand, a precious gift.

I can eat my fill of everything you give me, right now today, and now that I will have enough tomorrow and the next, until I am where You are. Help me to honor you by staying in this present you have given me, and know that I can treasure the past and look forward to my future.

Knowing it is secure in You.

Thoughts

Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before. 1 Thessalonians 4:11

There is something divine about the simplistic beauty of doing tasks around the house……around the yard. There are times when everything you set out to do seems thwarted by some sinister being you can’t see, and then there are those times where everything flows and there is a rhythm in it. One task leads to another and there is supreme satistaction that comes when a task is complete. A peacefulness.

That was today.

I wonder about the time when I will no longer be able to “do.” I think that Jesus will come back before then but I really don’t know. The way the world is going, I don’t think He can keep from coming down and straightening this mess out for very much longer. But that’s just me. I wonder about the “full number” the Bible talks about. I picture Jesus on His throne in His Nikes just waiting for that magic number to come up, and Him coming down here faster than a lightning bolt.

I wonder about the trumpet blast. I wonder if I will really be ready or if he will catch me off-guard. Every now and then I go to a movie on a Sunday, and I sincerely hope He doesn’t come back on one of those times. I have just enough Baptist in me not to want that to happen.

Funny the thoughts that float around in this little ‘ole mind of mine.

That’s me today, just thinkin thoughts and writing them down…….

Remembering…….

It is close of day……..Maundy Thursday evening. The evening He gathered with His friends for the last time. Work is done and the events of the day settle around me…floating down like dust moats in my mind. Every Easter week that comes around I wish once again that I had it off…..not just Sunday, the whole week.

I look up services on Maundy Thursday and I lament the days gone by, where businesses really did close on Good Friday. It seemed right and it felt good to live in such a world, such a town, such a time that did this. Things seem different now. People rush around as if they don’t know what day it is, and sometimes I get caught right along with them, stupified about what I thought I needed at Walgreens.

But as I work all the way up to Sunday, I will exchange the upper room for some quiet moments in my prayer closet, and tomorrow, that darkest of days,  I will take a quiet walk on my break and thank Him again for doing such a monumental thing for this world. For me. For you.

I wonder how in the world He thought we were worth it, but I am so glad He thought we were.

I will wish for clouds to cover the sun tomorrow because that seems right too.  But this is Arizona after all, and the sun will most likely be shining brightly overhead. And that will be right too, somehow. Events will unfold and we will be distracted as we go from one thing to another.

More than likely we won’t have enough time to reflect on what it all means. We are in the thick of life, work, kids, traffic, deadlines and bills. But this is what really matters. That in those moments when we pause and thank Him, we will feel Him close. We carry our upper room right along with us and He is there. Right there in the midst of us.

Tomorrow I will carry Him with me, and He will carry me mostly.

In my moments of remembering, I will picture the silhouette of a lonely cross against a stormy sky and a earth that quaked in revolt at such an impossible event……..the creator and Lord of the universe on that same lonely cross. And a small band of very sad followers at the foot of it.

And John pulling Mary close as Jesus says, “Woman, behold your son…..”

In every thing I have to do, in between all those things, in between my every breath, every step…..He will be there with me. And I will rejoice because the reality of Easter is this,

He lives!

In the Stillness

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering;  bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.  And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15

My prayers this morning were little more than breathing in and out. Some words came, I went down my usual list of those loved ones weighing heavy on my heart. And then as I remembered that sometimes it is okay to just be quiet and listen…..a curious thing happened.

I heard.

I heard the dove song and behind that, the freeway loading up with the morning commute. Another bird of a different kind further away. I retreated further into myself and listened for what the Holy Spirit might be praying for me. He does you know……when we can’t find the words of our own.

I picked up my old Living Bible that I had picked up off the bookshelf on the way outside. It was mine first, then my Mom’s. She carried it out  to me on the day I moved away from her, from my hometown….tears streaming down. Even now, the memory hurts because the years have flown by way too fast. I hold it to my chest, I hug it like I am holding her too.

I see my words, and hers on the front flap. Co-mingled together……Our thoughts of God married together on those pages.

My breathing slows and I meditate on the Lord and how He heals us, draws us together.

I whisper His language…..the one He gave to me, and in between the silent pauses where Heaven and earth connect……We connect, and He tells me again, that it will be okay.

Isn’t it wonderful to know that by thanking Him, we honor Him? And not only that, thanking Him does something supernatural to our heart and soul. It sifts out all the worry and fear and stress, replaces it with joy and peace. It reminds us that God is still and always in control.

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A good appointment at the Doctor for Elaine and her Mom, he saw the situation as it really was, and took time with them. It was like an SOS call that was answered.

First week at new building at work and it wasn’t as stressful as I thought it would be.

Good weather holding out……knowing that soon it will be too hot to go outside for very long.

Good memories made from the trip to California.

School time again for those parents and caregivers who need a break.

New Easter flag flying, bright against the sky.

As we get ready to celebrate the week of Passion once again, we know that really, each sunrise we celebrate Easter all over again.

Found rings, which I looked all over for in a panic yesterday, they turned up in the back pocket of my jeans which I had look through three times already!

Pictures that turn out, most of the time by accident and the fact that I have a really good camera.

Lunch after church……always a special time of the week.

When our landscape shifts

He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. Micah 7:19

So hard to leave this place of peace…..As we left the cafe after breakfast this morning I said, “What if we just didn’t go back……got jobs here, lived in an RV.” Suddenly it sounded like the best idea in the world. But then, as soon as the dream took flight, reality set in as it always does.

Responsibility, Oh that. We are, each of us going back to shifting landscapes. Elaine’s Mom has been very combative and she has to address the monumental situation back home. A hard decision will have to be made, and she knows it will be extremely painful.

And while I was away, drinking in the ocean, and cherished time with family and friends, I learned via Facebook that when I go back to work this Thursday, it will be in a brand new place. I was expecting it, just not quite yet. I fully expected to go back to my safe, old comfortable workplace home. So as I said goodbye to a places and people I love this week, I also had to mentally say goodbye to the familiar, the comfortable, the routine. But thankfully, I have a job.

Right now my brother has to decide on a forced early retirement. Whether to stay and risk losing more, or leave and keep what he has now. How can someone who already has so much be given the power to take away what others have worked so hard for?

While we are enjoying the last night on the road before returning home, we are stealing ourselves for what comes next. While our hearts are still on all those we just left, and on their own individual joys and hardships, we also hold the fresh bouquet of memories to cherish.

And the joy we shared this week was real. The conversations were meaningful and the laughter was deeply felt. And as always, there is much to be thankful for.

We leave our prayers behind.

And more go ahead.

God was with us and will be with us through it all……

What to give up?

Yet even now, says the LORD, return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; rend your hearts and not your clothing. Return to the LORD, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and relents from punishing. Joel 2:12,13

As one not being raised in the Catholic tradition, I never gave Lent much thought. I gave Easter much thought. I always loved celebrating the whole week of Easter and I used to love when Good Friday was more a part of our culture in America. I remember businesses closing at noon and many gathered for service, either at their own church or a multi-church community service. I used to love it when the day was cloudy on Good Friday. It somehow seemed right.

In past years, I have given more thought to the period leading up to Easter known as Lent. It has become more important for me to reflect longer on all the events leading up to the Resurrection.

Every year I hear people talk about what they will be “giving up” for Lent, sometimes jokingly, sometimes not. In fact, it happened just this morning. Every year I ask myself, or rather God, what He would have me give up. Almost at once, I go through the list of things, and they are usually always the same ones. Sugar, chocolate, meat, books…..wine. There they are, not necessarily in order of importance. But what about the really hard ones?

Not trusting, being fearful, worrying. Taking matters into my own hands that should be resting safely in Gods hands. 

And this year, the answer came back.

Just give me your whole self.

To me, it is not so much what things I give up, but that I give my whole heart. And if He asks me, each and every one of those other things I listed. At whatever time He says, knowing that sometimes, at different times, it is important to give up something for someone else, in order to not make them stumble.

We don’t get to choose

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:6-8

She asked me one simple question…….”Would you put your Mother there?” Sadly, emphatically, I shook my head and breathed out an emphatic, no. We had just come out of the “home” that Elaine was considering for her Mom. It was recommended by her Dad’s case worker. A place where they put Alzheimer’s patients when they are in danger of hurting themselves or others, and long past caring for themselves. One lady was licking ice-cream out of a bowl. Another man wanted a laxative. We took it all in, the peeling paint, dirty baseboards. The lady that was attending to the patients was kind, but she had her hands full.

It is a terrible decision to have riding on your shoulders. Especially when everyone else in the family says you should, that you have every right to.

Would you leave your Mom there? Her question haunted me…….. and several thoughts were set in motion that I didn’t expect. Of course I wouldn’t leave my Mom there. She has put in the Mom time. Done all those things a good Mom does, all through the years. And she still is. We have always been friends as well as Mom and Daughter, so of course I wouldn’t leave her in a place like that. No, never.

But is it fair for me or anyone else to expect her to leave her own Mom there? Is it fair for us to ask her to do something she is not emotionally prepared to do? And is it fair to be judge, jury and executioner and sentence her Mom accordingly? Give her what we feel she deserves? It is true, she has always been negative and sour, always looked at the dark side of things, never gone out of her way to show any sort of love or affection for her children, or even her grandchildren. She is difficult, she is all those things.

But is it up to me to withhold God’s grace to her? The truth is, as Christians, we don’t get to decide who gets grace and who doesn’t. That was the thought that slammed full force into my heart. The Holy Spirit placed it there, soft as a whisper and loud as a gong reverberating through my ears.

While we were yet sinners, Christ died…….for me. For you. That thought sunk deep. I thought of every worst moment of my life. The ones I would be most ashamed of if they were put on a big screen in Times Square. God saw those, and He still died for me.

What right do I have to withhold Grace from anyone? Which one of us has been given what we truly deserve by God? The promised land of Grace is open to everyone, and He will never leave anyone out, because He didn’t leave me out.

I got a living lesson on Grace, and it seems I really needed it. Thank you Elaine, for asking me that question and making me see again what God did for me, and reminding me of the Grace that I walk in each and every day.

Please join me today in Celebrating the Multitudes on Monday……..#824-834

Clean sheets, God lessons in grace, cool mornings and warm days, the light of a candle flickering in the dark, new friends at work, new shoots coming up in the garden, a new comedian I heard yesterday in church, wisdom from the Word, finding a wonderful new show, Downton Abbey…….finding new authors, a clean house……

Celebrating firsts, letting go of lasts….

Your skin like dawn
Mine like musk
One paints the beginning
of a certain end.
The other, the end of a
sure beginning.
Passing Time by Maya Angelou
When you have a child, it is important to celebrate the “firsts.” They are such milestones and so very important. They carve themselves in your heart and memory forever. And then there are the lasts…..the last time they will let you hug them…..in public, or at all! The last time they blow you a kiss or return your wave as enthusiastically as you give it. The last time you read them a story and feel them lean against you as if they will always need you this much. 
Sometimes they slip by unnoticed, but not because they aren’t just as monumental as the others.
My wonderfully stalwart and soft-hearted best friend has realized there are other types of losses and last things when your parents have Dementia and Alzheimer’s. She has had a whole year of “lasts” with her Mom and her Dad.
There was the last drive in the car, the last trip in the Motor home, the last time to pay a bill or run to the store. She has been with them through it all.
Yesterday was still another. Last time to take your Mom to the movies. First, she got lost. She said she didn’t have to “go” but changed her mind and went into a stall. Since she has the habit of wandering off, Elaine circled the theatre area, and then the parking lot. A lady said, “She went that way…..” Then, out loud during the movie her Mom kept saying, “This movie is weird.”
And she ate one kernel of popcorn at a time and then picked her teeth….and you don’t want to know what she did with what she found in her teeth. Imagine what a small child would do if they didn’t know any better. Alzheimer’s is ugly. And mean spirited. It has no mercy.
It was another last of many lasts. And the strain of it all makes her wonder if she is living her lasts as well……how do you grieve what never was in the first place? Part of the sorrow is knowing how it could have been And will you know the right time to say, “when?” Can you trust someone else to give you permission to lay it down?
And all the relatives wonder why she keeps trying. Why she can’t just put her in a home somewhere. Why she can’t let go. Everyone else has cut them loose. After all, their parents never really invested in their lives, or the lives of their Grand kids. You don’t grieve what was never there, after all. You just live your life as if they don’t exist.
And the time and memories are like water rushing under a bridge…..sometimes, regrettably, not nearly fast enough. And that time is getting closer every day.
And sometimes the saddest thing we can learn from others is how not to live a life…….
And when the end does come, she will have known she did all she could with the help of her Savior who knows and sees all. She is doing what she must do, right now, one day, one moment at a time, and trusting Him to let her heart know when it is time to let go.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written,The days fashioned for me,when as yet there were none of them……….Psalm 139:16