Reflection

In the Stillness

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering;  bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.  And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15

My prayers this morning were little more than breathing in and out. Some words came, I went down my usual list of those loved ones weighing heavy on my heart. And then as I remembered that sometimes it is okay to just be quiet and listen…..a curious thing happened.

I heard.

I heard the dove song and behind that, the freeway loading up with the morning commute. Another bird of a different kind further away. I retreated further into myself and listened for what the Holy Spirit might be praying for me. He does you know……when we can’t find the words of our own.

I picked up my old Living Bible that I had picked up off the bookshelf on the way outside. It was mine first, then my Mom’s. She carried it out  to me on the day I moved away from her, from my hometown….tears streaming down. Even now, the memory hurts because the years have flown by way too fast. I hold it to my chest, I hug it like I am holding her too.

I see my words, and hers on the front flap. Co-mingled together……Our thoughts of God married together on those pages.

My breathing slows and I meditate on the Lord and how He heals us, draws us together.

I whisper His language…..the one He gave to me, and in between the silent pauses where Heaven and earth connect……We connect, and He tells me again, that it will be okay.

Isn’t it wonderful to know that by thanking Him, we honor Him? And not only that, thanking Him does something supernatural to our heart and soul. It sifts out all the worry and fear and stress, replaces it with joy and peace. It reminds us that God is still and always in control.

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A good appointment at the Doctor for Elaine and her Mom, he saw the situation as it really was, and took time with them. It was like an SOS call that was answered.

First week at new building at work and it wasn’t as stressful as I thought it would be.

Good weather holding out……knowing that soon it will be too hot to go outside for very long.

Good memories made from the trip to California.

School time again for those parents and caregivers who need a break.

New Easter flag flying, bright against the sky.

As we get ready to celebrate the week of Passion once again, we know that really, each sunrise we celebrate Easter all over again.

Found rings, which I looked all over for in a panic yesterday, they turned up in the back pocket of my jeans which I had look through three times already!

Pictures that turn out, most of the time by accident and the fact that I have a really good camera.

Lunch after church……always a special time of the week.

When our landscape shifts

He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. Micah 7:19

So hard to leave this place of peace…..As we left the cafe after breakfast this morning I said, “What if we just didn’t go back……got jobs here, lived in an RV.” Suddenly it sounded like the best idea in the world. But then, as soon as the dream took flight, reality set in as it always does.

Responsibility, Oh that. We are, each of us going back to shifting landscapes. Elaine’s Mom has been very combative and she has to address the monumental situation back home. A hard decision will have to be made, and she knows it will be extremely painful.

And while I was away, drinking in the ocean, and cherished time with family and friends, I learned via Facebook that when I go back to work this Thursday, it will be in a brand new place. I was expecting it, just not quite yet. I fully expected to go back to my safe, old comfortable workplace home. So as I said goodbye to a places and people I love this week, I also had to mentally say goodbye to the familiar, the comfortable, the routine. But thankfully, I have a job.

Right now my brother has to decide on a forced early retirement. Whether to stay and risk losing more, or leave and keep what he has now. How can someone who already has so much be given the power to take away what others have worked so hard for?

While we are enjoying the last night on the road before returning home, we are stealing ourselves for what comes next. While our hearts are still on all those we just left, and on their own individual joys and hardships, we also hold the fresh bouquet of memories to cherish.

And the joy we shared this week was real. The conversations were meaningful and the laughter was deeply felt. And as always, there is much to be thankful for.

We leave our prayers behind.

And more go ahead.

God was with us and will be with us through it all……

What to give up?

Yet even now, says the LORD, return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; rend your hearts and not your clothing. Return to the LORD, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and relents from punishing. Joel 2:12,13

As one not being raised in the Catholic tradition, I never gave Lent much thought. I gave Easter much thought. I always loved celebrating the whole week of Easter and I used to love when Good Friday was more a part of our culture in America. I remember businesses closing at noon and many gathered for service, either at their own church or a multi-church community service. I used to love it when the day was cloudy on Good Friday. It somehow seemed right.

In past years, I have given more thought to the period leading up to Easter known as Lent. It has become more important for me to reflect longer on all the events leading up to the Resurrection.

Every year I hear people talk about what they will be “giving up” for Lent, sometimes jokingly, sometimes not. In fact, it happened just this morning. Every year I ask myself, or rather God, what He would have me give up. Almost at once, I go through the list of things, and they are usually always the same ones. Sugar, chocolate, meat, books…..wine. There they are, not necessarily in order of importance. But what about the really hard ones?

Not trusting, being fearful, worrying. Taking matters into my own hands that should be resting safely in Gods hands. 

And this year, the answer came back.

Just give me your whole self.

To me, it is not so much what things I give up, but that I give my whole heart. And if He asks me, each and every one of those other things I listed. At whatever time He says, knowing that sometimes, at different times, it is important to give up something for someone else, in order to not make them stumble.

We don’t get to choose

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:6-8

She asked me one simple question…….”Would you put your Mother there?” Sadly, emphatically, I shook my head and breathed out an emphatic, no. We had just come out of the “home” that Elaine was considering for her Mom. It was recommended by her Dad’s case worker. A place where they put Alzheimer’s patients when they are in danger of hurting themselves or others, and long past caring for themselves. One lady was licking ice-cream out of a bowl. Another man wanted a laxative. We took it all in, the peeling paint, dirty baseboards. The lady that was attending to the patients was kind, but she had her hands full.

It is a terrible decision to have riding on your shoulders. Especially when everyone else in the family says you should, that you have every right to.

Would you leave your Mom there? Her question haunted me…….. and several thoughts were set in motion that I didn’t expect. Of course I wouldn’t leave my Mom there. She has put in the Mom time. Done all those things a good Mom does, all through the years. And she still is. We have always been friends as well as Mom and Daughter, so of course I wouldn’t leave her in a place like that. No, never.

But is it fair for me or anyone else to expect her to leave her own Mom there? Is it fair for us to ask her to do something she is not emotionally prepared to do? And is it fair to be judge, jury and executioner and sentence her Mom accordingly? Give her what we feel she deserves? It is true, she has always been negative and sour, always looked at the dark side of things, never gone out of her way to show any sort of love or affection for her children, or even her grandchildren. She is difficult, she is all those things.

But is it up to me to withhold God’s grace to her? The truth is, as Christians, we don’t get to decide who gets grace and who doesn’t. That was the thought that slammed full force into my heart. The Holy Spirit placed it there, soft as a whisper and loud as a gong reverberating through my ears.

While we were yet sinners, Christ died…….for me. For you. That thought sunk deep. I thought of every worst moment of my life. The ones I would be most ashamed of if they were put on a big screen in Times Square. God saw those, and He still died for me.

What right do I have to withhold Grace from anyone? Which one of us has been given what we truly deserve by God? The promised land of Grace is open to everyone, and He will never leave anyone out, because He didn’t leave me out.

I got a living lesson on Grace, and it seems I really needed it. Thank you Elaine, for asking me that question and making me see again what God did for me, and reminding me of the Grace that I walk in each and every day.

Please join me today in Celebrating the Multitudes on Monday……..#824-834

Clean sheets, God lessons in grace, cool mornings and warm days, the light of a candle flickering in the dark, new friends at work, new shoots coming up in the garden, a new comedian I heard yesterday in church, wisdom from the Word, finding a wonderful new show, Downton Abbey…….finding new authors, a clean house……

Celebrating firsts, letting go of lasts….

Your skin like dawn
Mine like musk
One paints the beginning
of a certain end.
The other, the end of a
sure beginning.
Passing Time by Maya Angelou
When you have a child, it is important to celebrate the “firsts.” They are such milestones and so very important. They carve themselves in your heart and memory forever. And then there are the lasts…..the last time they will let you hug them…..in public, or at all! The last time they blow you a kiss or return your wave as enthusiastically as you give it. The last time you read them a story and feel them lean against you as if they will always need you this much. 
Sometimes they slip by unnoticed, but not because they aren’t just as monumental as the others.
My wonderfully stalwart and soft-hearted best friend has realized there are other types of losses and last things when your parents have Dementia and Alzheimer’s. She has had a whole year of “lasts” with her Mom and her Dad.
There was the last drive in the car, the last trip in the Motor home, the last time to pay a bill or run to the store. She has been with them through it all.
Yesterday was still another. Last time to take your Mom to the movies. First, she got lost. She said she didn’t have to “go” but changed her mind and went into a stall. Since she has the habit of wandering off, Elaine circled the theatre area, and then the parking lot. A lady said, “She went that way…..” Then, out loud during the movie her Mom kept saying, “This movie is weird.”
And she ate one kernel of popcorn at a time and then picked her teeth….and you don’t want to know what she did with what she found in her teeth. Imagine what a small child would do if they didn’t know any better. Alzheimer’s is ugly. And mean spirited. It has no mercy.
It was another last of many lasts. And the strain of it all makes her wonder if she is living her lasts as well……how do you grieve what never was in the first place? Part of the sorrow is knowing how it could have been And will you know the right time to say, “when?” Can you trust someone else to give you permission to lay it down?
And all the relatives wonder why she keeps trying. Why she can’t just put her in a home somewhere. Why she can’t let go. Everyone else has cut them loose. After all, their parents never really invested in their lives, or the lives of their Grand kids. You don’t grieve what was never there, after all. You just live your life as if they don’t exist.
And the time and memories are like water rushing under a bridge…..sometimes, regrettably, not nearly fast enough. And that time is getting closer every day.
And sometimes the saddest thing we can learn from others is how not to live a life…….
And when the end does come, she will have known she did all she could with the help of her Savior who knows and sees all. She is doing what she must do, right now, one day, one moment at a time, and trusting Him to let her heart know when it is time to let go.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written,The days fashioned for me,when as yet there were none of them……….Psalm 139:16

Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close

I don’t often recommend movies, but sometimes Hollywood messes up and does something right. I know the critics weren’t kind to this movie, but I loved it. I usually go straight to Christianity Today for my movie reviews and most of the time I agree with their reviewer. They aren’t biased and even if a film has an R rating they will rate it honestly by the film’s  creative merits with a full warning about what you might be offended at.

I sometimes think we have forgotten all about what happened on 9/11, that “Worst Day” as the film’s lead character describes it. What I most love about this film is how the story weaves this one boy’s struggle to cope with the lost of his father with all the other characters throughout the film. We get lost in his journey to hang onto his Dad by trying to search all over New York for something he felt his Dad wanted him to find.

In his search, we find out that what we all need is a little healing. Everyone he meets along the way, he finds, has lost something, and most of them embrace his search. We see our own healing, our own journey, and we remember the healing that our country went through back then.

This movie made me remember what is most important……we all need each other. We are all on a journey of healing of some kind, and we are rooting for this boy to find his all the way through the movie.

And another thought…..what would it be like if we all stopped to turn and give that healing to one another.

We are smart, but God’s smarter

We do things in this building, and all others on our campus….fantastical things. Things never thought possible even 60 years ago. We create all sorts of wild imaginings and then put them into form. We think, “what if…..” And then we do it. That is, at least the creative brains do that. I am just a small cog in the wheel of technology….but I do my part.

And it all changes and grows so fast, that by the time a new process comes out, it is already outdated….
Considered obsolete.

People are creators because God made us that way….

All of us have that God spark that seeks to create because He put it in us.

But, with all this human achievement and rushing around, what we call progress; we still can’t even come close to making a moon or setting the stars in place.

Or calming the sea with a word.

We aren’t so smart…….
And as long as we have been alive, there is a danger, a temptation in worshiping that “created thing” instead of the One who put it all in motion to begin with. “And they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator–who is forever praised. Amen.” Romans 1:25
Don’t get me wrong, I love technology! It has been my bread and butter for 16 years now and the industry has treated me well. I don’t feel as my Mom does, that computers are the Antichrist. But ever since the golden calf and before that, we have been tempted to put things in place of God.
The idols may change over the centuries, but the temptation is the same.
This whole train of thought started with the radio this morning. There was a discussion about our gadgets. The female commentator had left her IPhone home and was feeling a bit lost. I can relate to that. I never felt that way about a phone before I got mine. She further stated a quote attributed to Steve Jobs that said something like:
“When people can put their wedding pictures on their phone, they will be emotionally attached.” Or something like that.
She was saying that it troubled her a bit that she felt an emotion, an attachment, like something was missing because she didn’t have her phone. I can relate. I am ashamed to say I feel the same way.
She said all her friends were having a great time playing “Words with Friends.” She didn’t start it. She didn’t want to feel like she had to respond every time the phone dinged.
Well, I succumbed.
I started……I am addicted. And now I have to go.
It’s my move.
Maybe it’s time for a gadget fast.
Just after I play this word.

Next time I’ll sing

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Colossians 3:16

As far back as I can remember, the sound of my Mom’s singing is woven into the background of my memories. I have talked about it before somewhere in earlier posts. Can you imagine how it must have been to hear her wonderful Soprano drifing through the windows as I walked up the driveway from school?

Of course, I didn’t appreciate it then, not nearly as much as I do now.

Last time I was back home she started singing in the car and I really wanted to sing along. The words were right on the edge….oh, I knew them, all right.  But something stopped me and I don’t even know what. Who knows, maybe someone was in the car and I was self-conscious. And ever since I got home it has bothered me that I didn’t join in. She was singing an old song…….maybe you know it.

“This world is not my home, I’m just a passin through
If Heaven’s not my home, then Lord what will I do?
The angels beckon me from Heaven’s open door
and I don’t feel at home in this world anymore….”
She stopped singing and asked me, “Do you know that song?” I said, “Yes, of course.” Memories washed over me when she said that. We used to all get together and sing these songs and many others. Hour were spent, singing and laughing. No one cared how anyone else sounded, but really, I can remember it sounding pretty good. It sounded like joy.
I was ashamed at myself for not singing with her, for not joining in.
For not keeping the memory alive with her.
She said, “Why didn’t you sing?”
Indeed. I wish I had.
I know there will come a day when I won’t be able to sing with her, and it will make me sad beyond words. Sad that I didn’t sing with her every chance I got. But that time is, thankfully, not yet.
It strikes me that I may be the last generation to know those songs. Kids today know many things, they know Miley, and Justin…….
and Beyonce, and JLo….but they don’t know these songs about Heaven.
And it’s wrong to let them die, just because it may not be “cool” to sing them.
So the next time Mom, I will join you.
I will sing.

The blessings of small town living

I knew I had seen her before, I thought….”Could it be?” As they sang, I was convinced. Her posture was just the same, and her expressions. It was one of my high school gym teachers there before me, one member of a female barbershop quartet singing Christmas carols as part of the special music at the Christian Women’s Club event we were attending.

They regularly share their gift of song to local churches and nursing homes. How they must love it when they come….

As they finished their performance, which everyone loved, they went into the foyer and were chatting away quietly amongst themselves when I realized I just had to go talk to her before she left. I walked up and she beamed……I said, “I just wanted to introduce myself, I had you for gym, Tokay High.” Imagine my surprise when she popped right back, “Lori Cook,” she said with a smile. Mind you, it has been 34 years since I wore that ugly orange gym suit. “Wow,” I said flabbergasted, “You are good!”

When we were in High School she was single, but before we graduated she married a coach. It was all very romantic to us girls back then. Ann Ganzer became Ann Braden. I remember one specific day we were all in a circle and she put this funky music on. We were supposed to be learning folk dancing. We were changing all the words, and laughing hysterically. And she scolded us for it.

As I sat back down, my Aunt mentioned that her husband had been in her Graduating class in High School. Such a small world.

There was another lady at our table who I was also trying to place. Then my Mom introduced us….”Ah, Gladys Fever!” We were in choir together at Temple Baptist Church. She was always in a different section, being a tall Soprano. As a short Alto, I was always placed at the end parallel to Marge Jones, the shortest Soprano.

The last time I was back in Lodi, I ran into my Sixth Grade teacher. She knew me too! Before I flatter myself too much I remember that they all know my family and have kept in touch over the years, going to the same grocery stores and running into one another in town.

There is something to this connectedness. I think everyone needs a place where they have been known, and known a long time. It keeps you a bit grounded. Going back is good.

And going forward is very good.

Happy New Year! 2012

The Afterglow

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

As years go by I am appreciating more and more, those winding down days after Christmas…….as the activity wanes, the afterglow remains. I still play Christmas music for a few days more…..and reflect on what just passed, and what still  remains of the current year.

I realize that I need not release anything of the magic, for Christ is with us still.

And we have the hope of knowing that whatever happens in the coming year, His precious Holy Spirit strives with us, anticipating every step we take.

Bask in the Father’s love today, for I really believe He loves us more than we know.

Without condition.

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17