Gratitude

Thankfulness and the poop of life

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For the first 15 minutes of prayer this morning my mind just zoomed like those little cars going around a toy racetrack. I remember my Dad  and brother snapping those tracks together on Christmas morning, and I can still hear the sound of those little cars that never went quite fast enough without jumping off the little grooves.

After two years of being out in the elements in our Arizona room….yes, it has walls, but they are not made to keep out the cold or heat….Elaine moved herself back into her bedroom on Saturday.

It was a big victory and it surprised me how much better it made me feel. I think I needed it to happen as much as she did. And now that she is back inside, she marvels how she did it out there so long. In the summer she literally slept on ice packs. It was more bearable in winter, but the noise of the freeway kept her awake many nights.

The heating and cooling bill will go down now, since we aren’t keeping that door wide open. I just have to get my cat used to the fact that he doesn’t have free access now, that he has to use the cat door and go around. He made it known he wasn’t happy with that plan this morning by pooping right in the middle of the floor. He may not be able to speak but he can communicate in other ways.

It’s an apt reminder to me that in the midst of daily life, there is always some form of poop to deal with right along with the good stuff. We just have to handle it right.

I realized this morning that I haven’t participated in Ann’s One Thousand Gifts count for a long time. I have kept counting in my heart but not here, so today I measure out my gratitude once again. It won’t ever be enough for a God who has given us everything, but it’s a start.

#957 Elaine having a place of peace, a refuge once more, being able to get a good night’s rest again.

#958 Having the house smell good again. Elaine’s Mom, as most Alzheimer’s patients didn’t like to bathe and it was a battle every time.

#959 No more chinese fire drill at mealtimes, let the reader understand how difficult mealtimes are with Alzheimer’s patients.

#960 Leaving without worrying what Joyce might do at the house to endanger herself.

#961 Being able to make a noise in the kitchen again without her coming out distressed, Alzheimer’s patients find sudden noise disturbing.

#962 Being able to leave mail out again in the open without it being opened or moved.

#963 Knowing she is safe and getting good food in her new place.

#964 That Elaine can work again without the stress of having another full-time job at home.

#965 Being able to go on a vacation or weekend away again, both of us at once.

I pause unbelievingly as I realize we are on the cusp of Lent once again. I head there bringing my tears and my heart on His altar, thankful He no longer requires a living animal, but also knowing that it’s even harder to place my whole heart there. And that’s saying a lot coming from someone who doesn’t even like stepping on ants.

I leave you with two truths today to ponder………

Sometimes a veil of tears allows us to see God clearer. He is near to the brokenhearted.

Sometimes God is the only one Big enough to hold us. He has promised never to leave or forsake us.

A New Chapter

How Big is Your God?

It’s been a night and a day and another night. You tend to count those things when you are trying them on for size again after two years. We are both sucking in the oxygen of freedom like we can’t get enough. We have had two meals at the table without the stress of leaping up to do some kind of damage control. Of racing to the kitchen before she got out there first to try to clean up. Before perfectly good leftovers went down the garbage disposal. Or dirty dishes went back in the cupboard.

The carehome called yesterday and said her Mom tried to leave and was very restless. She insisted she wasn’t going to stay, but we knew that was coming. After church Elaine went and calmed her down. Her presence was reassuring. She told Elaine, “Well, I guess I will come back tomorrow and help them out because it’s obvious they need it.” I guess she thinks she is at work. Funny what the mind concocts when it has to.

We are enjoying putting the house to rights again. After an hour of intense scrubbing, Elaine has her bathroom back. She was cleaning it all along, otherwise the hard water stains would have done permanent damage. She says it feels like a luxury to have her own bathroom back. And yet the guilt still nips at her heart, even though she knows her Mom is in the best place she could possibly be now. And today, as she turned the corner to come home, she realized it was the first time she looked forward to coming home. And she feels guilt over that too.

I am waltzing around the house like Cinderella entertaining thoughts of the ball, classical music blaring from both radios. I will enjoy cleaning today. Soon, Elaine will be able to move out of the noise of the patio room and back into her room and enjoy a good night’s sleep again. Her first in two years.

And this morning, I am putting into practice what I have learned from my own dear Mom. A lesson she lives every day.

To count the joys and rest in God whether you are in the midst of trouble, or between troubles.

Because they will come, Jesus promised that. The world is full of them, but Jesus conquered that world of trouble when He rose from the grave and turned it right side up again. And while trouble follows me like cloud this morning, as it follows us all, I will be okay…….and so will you.

Because He says so, and we have a very big God.

 

Gratitude tips the scales

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O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good: for his mercy endures for ever. Psalm
107:1
 
We had our gift exchange last night, Elaine and I. It was our little window of opportunity for some Christmas quiet time and we took it.  Her Mom had gone to bed early, as she has done ever since winter has brought early darkness. It was a touch and go day yesterday, the Alzheimer’s was kicking in and she was a bit combative.  
 
At one point, Elaine peeked in the door and found that she had taken every last pair of pants out of her closet and piled them on the bed. Then she opened Elaine’s jewelry box and had the contents spread all over the bed. She said, “I don’t know where all this came from.”
 
And she has been going through other things in the house.  I guess that is common at certain stages of the disease, along with not wanting to bathe and the rocking and pacing.
 
It has been a very challenging year no doubt about it, and yet last night Christmas came there in our little island of peace by the tree. And all I kept saying over and over…”This is just too much, this is too good…..I don’t deserve it” and I was feeling it on the inside as well as the outside.
 
And it wasn’t just the gifts, it was everything that went behind the gifts. Because I know the giver. I know her heart, and I have never stopped seeing it give giving this whole year. That’s why it matters. 
 
And when you know the Giver of that most perfect gift the world has ever seen?
 
Only Endless gratitude can be the heart’s right response, no matter what the world throws your way. Gratitude tips the scales when you know God has already given you everything He has to give.
 
Today, I drove on an almost deserted freeway to put in my last day of work, but  in my heart, I am bearing treasures too many to count.
 
Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift! 2 Corinthians 9:15

When heavy hearts give thanks

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Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus……1 Thessalonians 5:18

I have misheard and misunderstood this Scripture and caused myself much grief, packing a load on myself I was never meant to carry.  I have had to remind myself that  it doesn’t say to be thankful FOR for circumstance, but IN the circumstance. So today, I offer up thanks to a God who is worthy of all my gratitude, all the time.

Thank you Lord that even when our hearts are hurting, the fountain of thankfulness still somehow keeps bubbling to the surface. I woke up at around 2:30 and the first thing that popped into my mind was the line to the song that says:

Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm…….

Thank you for the twinkling lights outside my window for they remind me of what and who I am celebrating, and for the love of a friend who put them up when I know that all she wanted to do was put this Christmas on fast forward…..not the reason of it, for that she clings to, but all the stuff that goes along with it.

In her loss this season she still thinks of how she can make others happy, so she put the timer on so that I would see them when I left for work.  That kind of heart is what makes the Lord happy. 

That kind of gratitude when it isn’t easy is like shaking our fist in Satan’s face.  

Thank you Lord, for an Aunt who calls me even when she is going through her own kind of loss this year once again with her husband in a rest home….she misses her old life, but still she waves the flag of gratitude because she has her health and that she can see him each day.

And that most of the time, he is in a good mood.

Thank you Lord, for the classical station that actually came in this morning as I was driving to work. Those notes filled out a hollowed out place in my soul that I didn’t even realize was there until I heard it. It lifted me, made me better somehow. I believe that’s what good music should do.

And thank you that things at work are relatively calm right now. We are in between processes and winding down so I can have time to relax somewhat at my station and I really need that right now.

Especially now.

I feel  fatigued today, Lord.  I need those wings of eagles to lift me up…..in fact I can feel them now. I already feel better. And send a big eagle for Elaine. She needs one worse.

Your girl.

On Christmas trees and such…..

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I walk around flipping switches and lights blaze from every corner. But when I flip that switch and they come on? I smile, because I think of the light of Christ that shines brightly in my heart. Because the truth is, sometimes you just need a little bit extra light to dispel the darkness. When I see those lights, inside and out I remember that no matter what else is going on, the light of Christ always outshines the darkness.

Every……single…..time.

Oh, I have heard all the arguments line by line, telling me how Pagan it is, how there is no basis in Scripture for this celebration, after all, the ancient church didn’t celebrate it. They have tried to shame me into unplugging. But so far, it hasn’t worked. And, yes, the light of Christ is already blazing forth in my heart. I shouldn’t need this extra, and really need doesn’t have anything to do with it. I am still unmoved by all the arguments against it. Personally, I believe that Jesus nailed all that other stuff to the cross along with Himself.

It all goes back to intent of the heart. I say, if you are persuaded that it really is wrong, then not to do so is right. Your conscience is clear and you are doing what you believe God wants you to do then God bless you for it. But if you want to celebrate it, means go buy another tree and another string of lights and blaze on and God bless you for that. God looks at the intent of our hearts my friends.

And His blood and His grace covers us all.

As I go around this house this morning, I smile when I see the lights. I know what they are for and who they represent. I know my Savior and He’s in the world today. Lights or no lights.

Meanwhile today, we have an appointment scheduled that will determine when and where Elaine’s Mom will get placed. It is time, and it was the hardest phone call she ever had to make.

And there is a Christmas trip waiting in the wings of doubt……to go or not to go? I think of how Elaine put up lights outside yesterday when it was the last thing on God’s green earth she felt like doing. She felt the cloud of today’s appointment over her head, looming. And yet she put lights up, and the Nativity……and we laughed because every year we scratch our heads because we have to stop and think how the interlocking pieces fit together. And in the end, she was glad she did it.

And in life, just like Christmas, no matter what ever else is going on….that light keeps on shining in the darkness, and the darkness can do nothing but flee.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

Random Thoughts on a Saturday

 

It’s been a long week. I am still lamenting the absence of turkey leftovers in the fridge. I could just taste it….mayo, big chunks of meat, dressing and a bit of cranberry and a liberal amount of salt piled on bread….Mmmm. I just may have to do a little turkey on my upcoming days off.

Yesterday the day just dragged out mercilessly. I finally crept out to my car at around 11 and put the seat back to catch a cap nap, but I couldn’t get comfortable. I crawled in my small back seat and with bent knees I arranged myself in a somewhat sleepworthy position. There in the back seat a memory of a long ago time came back and I wasn’t expecting it. No one was more surprised that I was when the tears slid down……

When my brother and I were small, a Volkswagen bug was our family mode of transportation. The seat folded down in the back and we loved it. Back then there were no DVDs to watch, just the hum of the 1967 Bug. We were together and it was a good time. We watched cows drift by and slept on and off and played Slugbug.

It was the nostalgia of it all that brought forth tears, that, and realizing how much time has gone by and how fast. The sorrow we have both already lived through, the death of both our spouses, what are the odds of that? And I prayed for my brother right there in that back seat, because he needs a touch from the Lord right now.

Don’t we all?

I got through the day and realized I had to brave Wal-Mart and it was still Black Friday. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. It wasn’t, but I still couldn’t wait to get out of there. After that I stopped by Panda to get  Joyce some food and she informed me when I came in the door that she needed a map to the house. And that it was after 6:30. I didn’t want to ask what prompted the map thing. I think she was glad to see me though.

I made her plate and told her it was on the table, and because the house was sealed up like a tomb, I ran around opening windows. It was around 80 in the house. After dashing in and out with groceries, and working up a sweat, I noticed her fixing herself another plate. Then she struggled with the tea because we usually make it for her and set it by her plate. Finally she was settled at her place and I did my other jobs.

The cats were still safely inside and I was thankful. She let Briggs out one day and my cats never go out of the house. He was dirty and a bit scared I think, but he came running when Elaine called. So that was making me nervous all day. One hop over the fence and out in the road and they would be goners.

I thought for the thousandth time, how in the world Elaine has done this for two years. Only God’s grace is how.

I settled in front of the computer for a while, and talked to dear friends via FB. And talked to my Mom on the phone and Elaine from Las Vegas. I got some texts from Heather about Christmas plans.

And God touched down once again through His people. I am blessed.

 

And be ye thankful…..

And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful……..

Today is a day to celebrate our blessings and lift our thanks to the Lord. Some of us will be gathered with loved ones around a beautiful table laden with all kinds of wonderful food. There will be laughter and noise and activity, and all the anticipation that accompanies a great meal. Others will be gathered where they really don’t want to be, eating someone else’s cooking when they would rather be eating their own. Let’s just be honest here.

I am very picky about my stuffing. I don’t want grey paste, I want something resembling the cornbread it once was, light and fluffy. And I don’t want giblets in it, thank you very much. And my turkey must be moist, not like the one in Christmas Vacation.

As much as we would all love to have that Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving Day, for most of us it won’t be a reality. And that’s okay. The thankfulness that beats in my heart today has nothing to do with a meal. It has to do with everything He has given me. Has given me, all my life.

I am spending the day at work because I opted for Christmas off.  

As much as I don’t want to admit it, there is always sadness attached to any holiday where I can’t have everyone I love in the same place at the same time. But there will be a dinner served here and I will enjoy it with some dear co-workers. All of us in the same boat. But all of us thankful.

My prayers will be with all those I love today. I pray that there will be peace and harmony and the Holy Spirit will do what He does best and bind together what has been broken in the past.

One thing that warms my heart today is that when my Mom was talking to my niece yesterday, she asked her what she remembers about Thanksgiving since she is not with them every year. I can see her expression and how she must have looked  when she said, “Eat…….” pause……and then she folded her hands and said thoughtfully,

“Pray” that’s when my heart seized up. She remembered.

Best answer she could have given.