Confessions of an addictive personality

The thought dropped neatly and quietly into my mind as I was taking my morning walk. It clicked in like the final answer to a question I already knew the answer to, but needed to hear again. What the addict really desires, what all of us really desire is more of God not more of anything else. More of His power, more of His prescence, more of His glory. Why do we want more of anything? It’s to fill an emptiness within us. Something we feel we are lacking. But God is the only one big enough to fill that space. What we don’t need is:

Another helping of comfort food

Another drink

Another hit

Another 10 miles of running

Another trip to the mall

Another look at that magazine, movie, book that we know we shouldn’t be looking at.

There are those of us with addictive personalities. I am one of them. I have been addicted to not eating, and after I got over that I became addicted to exercise. I would go to my morning class and then the evening class, and then after that I would follow the aeobics teacher to her final class in the neighboring town. I was one of the groupies. A little exercise was good, a lot was much better as far as I was concerned.

There was also a time in my life when it got very easy for me to put away three glasses of wine a night. Then one day I heard myself giving someone the pat answer for how often I drank. “Oh, I have a glass of wine with dinner every now and then.” HA. And this is the funny thing about God. When you get really serious with Him, He will ask you to be honest with Him and yourself. And He will ask you to make some changes.

Right after I said that, (in the deafening silence of my brain) the Holy Spirit said, “That is not true.” I had been lying to others, myself and God too. And it was time to get real. Then He asked me what I was going to do about it.

The truth is, there will always be another reason or excuse to eat too much or have another drink. The reason why will always be there, but thankfully, so will God.

That night on the way home from work, I didn’t buy any wine even though I knew I was out. I went home and sat down in the corner of the yard and prayed. The stray cat, “Tux” came and sat beside me. I prayed, “Okay God, you need to show up here and make yourself real tonight.” And as the cat and I sat side by side, we watched the sky fill up with one of the most beautiful sunsets I had ever seen. He showed up big time.

I do believe God gives us certain days that are mile markers in life, and He makes sure we won’t forget them. That was around 8 years ago now and still vividly alive in my mind. It’s a reminder to me that anytime I think I need more of something else, it’s really more of Him I need.

He loves us so much friends. The God of the universe loves you right where you are right now today and He’s waiting with open arms to reveal Himself to you in a big way.

And you don’t even have to clean yourself up before you go, Jesus already did that.

Let yourself be loved. Just the fact that you are on this earth is proof that He loves you.

He is there for the quick fix as well as the long haul.

“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:5

Taking “It is finished” to heart

Tonight, I didn’t read. I didn’t grab my IPad and hit Facebook to check in with my buddies. I just crawled into bed in the dark and the silence and thought about the day and waht it means. I thought about Jesus on the cross and how He said it was finished. And it really was. Every bit of it. Every thing we have ever struggled with…..

Every addiction, every grief, every heartache……finished right there. We don’t have to wrestle anymore.

But I still was.

Then I visualized Jesus holding me as a parent holds a child who needs calming. He drew me into an all-encompassing hug, and I drifted into sleep typing words into my phone. This morning I awoke I rolled over on my phone, and remembered.

When He said, it is finished, He meant it.

Instant access to a bankroll of power that we so often forget we have access to.

We are still boxing the air, long after our opponent has left the ring. Wrestling like Jacob all night long. We stagger away, weak.

The only decision you need to make is right now today. “Can you trust me?” He says.

He carried me through the day today. It was quite possibly the worst day at work we have had since my training in this new area. Even my trainer was confused. And yet I felt Him carrying me all through the day. We both even laughed at how things were happening that had never happened before.

And yet…..a sprinking of Saints throughout the day, which for many reasons was difficult.

Made all the difference.

He said that it was finished…..

And I believe Him.

Making Pancakes for Jesus

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

Every once in a while, well a lot, God reminds me not to take myself too seriously. Today He gave me this post. I started to continue with Isaiah 53 and get all heavy and sad and introspective, but then God switched things up on me because last night I had this dream. Anyone who knows me knows I have very strange dreams. Anyone close to me gets to hear the details sometimes, and sometimes, like today you readers. All 2 or 10 or maybe 20 of you.

Sometimes I dream about funny little cars with no bottoms, like the Flintstones drove. Other times it is my teeth falling out. Other times it sweeping a floor or getting ready for a party that I never get to. Many times water will be rushing through my house, other times I will be climbing ladders and dark, steep passageways.

Last night it was pancakes. To those who know about the semi-conductor industry or wafer fabrication industry, you know that the chips in your computers start out in round wafers which come in different millimeters and sizes. When I started out in 1998, the wafers were about 6 inches in diameter. We actually had to manually move them around with vacuum wands. Now everything is fully automated and humans never touch them.

Last night my wafers turned into pancakes. I was in an area as big as a very large room with different cooking stations set up, kind of like something you’d see on Iron Chef, with and pancakes in various stages of cooking on each one. I had to remember which ones were close to being done so I could flip them.

What does this have to do with Jesus, you say? On the way to work I was thinking that in light of what Jesus did for us? What we are doing down here pretty much boils down to making pancakes. I don’t care if you’re the President of a major corporation or the President of the United States, we are all just making pancakes.

The question is not what we are doing, but how we are doing it. That is all that matters to God.

God is not impressed with what we do. He is impressed by how we are doing it and who are we doing it for, and if we are doing it with love. I guess it’s easy for me not to take myself too seriously. Everytime I call my Mom and kinda, sorta, almost complain, she tells me about someone she heard about who was orphaned and has no arms and has to do everything with their feet, and they still went to night-school and raised 5 kids while doing it.

That may be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point.

So today, in light of the tremendous sacrifice Jesus made for us? That whatever we do, wherever we go, whatever we think looks insurmountable or really impressive?

It all comes down to making pancakes to the glory of God. (Latkes in Yiddish and Levivot in Hebrew)

I pray that you will forgive my lighthearted approach leading up to Good Friday. It is a day that I always take extremely seriously. I will doing some reflecting over the next couple of days, as I always do. But always, with the backdrop of the joy of the celebration foremost in my mind.

May God light your path today and lift your heart as we celebrate His death, burial and more importantly His resurrection this week.

Photo credit: my niece Lauryn Cook taken by her Dad. I used it because it always makes me smile.

How can it be Easter, it’s not Sunday?

I was spastic yesterday. I wasn’t ready to go back to work after having “GASP”, 11 days off. I felt like an alcoholic tearing open cupboards looking for a swig of something, anything. Yes, I am human, I am weak, I am frail. And I wasn’t focusing right then on who I am in Christ. I was looking for a quick fix……

Going back to bed would have worked.

And this morning, I wasn’t expecting the overflow of His Great mercy which came in like a flood as I was praying on the way to work. This year holds some significance for me and I have only just recently realized it.

It’s 40 years this year that I have been walking with Jesus.

Forty days and forty nights it rained. Moses was on the mountain 40 days and 40 nights, the Israelites wandered 40 years, Jesus fasted in the wilderness for 40 days and was seen on the earth for 40 days after His crucifixion.

40 years now He has walked beside me.

And the fact that we were on His heart, His mind, His plan even before time began? It still blows my mind everyday.

This morning, I thought about all the Resurrection Sundays I have celebrated in different churches. Each one different, each one a blessing.

The flowering of the cross at St. John’s Episcopal…….the service at Capital Christian where they made Jesus disappear and I still don’t know how they did it…..the sunrise service at my Aunt’s Methodist where we all held hands in the morning dew and sang along with the birds that Morning had indeed broken…..the Easter morning in Arizona that was every bit as beautiful as Easter morning should be, when we saw the Mother duck and her babies……so many over the years, and the best part of it all is this:

It’s not just one day, it’s every day since I have met Him that Easter breaks free in my heart, over and over.

In the car, as His grace washed over me, I remembered how I wrote about how God picks us first. And I also remembered that all too often I pick Him last. And that’s when His love really kicked in. It washed over me and baptised me anew, and this one thought held me, gripped me.

That when all my ridiculous home remedies fail, even when I choose Him as a last resort, when my back’s against the wall, He still loves me.

Even though He chooses me first even when I choose Him last.

Forgive me Lord.

And from the cross, and from Heaven, and in my heart I hear Him say……

“I do.”

In the grip of His grace today and there is nowhere else I would rather be.

Thankful for the thorns

I felt the panic rise and the riptide of the day starting as I awoke. I tamped it back down as it beat against me, my heartbeat quickening as I glanced at the clock which read 3:40. I layed back down and willed the clock back 8 hours or so. I sliced at it with the sword of the Word kept in my heart.

My cat sensed my stirrings and came up to nestle and I put my face in his fur and felt his purr, silly as it was it calmed me. The thought came: I should be over this kind of thing. But do we ever get totally at ease and comfortable in this life? And if so, then what do I need Him for?

You’d think I would be over this by now, this fear about meeting the day, but it still happens from time to time and I have the feeling I am not the only one.

We are bound to this earth until such time as these cords are cut and we fly back to our maker. Our real home. The one that every day I seem to glimpse a little more of. I think if we could catch one true glimpse of that life, we would never fear again, but God has given us the gift of faith which pulls us through and fills us with hope.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ for the faith of God’s elect and the knowledge of the truth that leads to godliness'” a faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time….Titus 1:1,2

Paul called his sufferings light and momentary afflictions.

He was beaten, thrown over-board, bitten by snakes, thrown in prison…….

Yeah, I can do this.

As the words to the song fill my car, my hands gripped the wheel as I counted the years in my head that Jesus has been walking with me……40 years with Jesus now, and shouldn’t I have this down pat?

But the answer came: Will there ever be a time to stop trusting, to stop learning, to stop leaning?

I hope that time never comes this side of Heaven.

Thankful for the thorn of my weakness today. Because every day it draws me closer. Nearer.

The treasure that remains

Stepping off a wonderful vacation and back into reality is tough, and yet something within us knows it can never last. Even at the edges of a dream we can always sense reality just hovering, nipping at our heels.

I was thinking about that today in prayer time as I was letting the memories, sounds and sights wash over me. I used to have a terrible time coming down off a good vacation. I would rebel against going home, starting work or school. I would keep comparing the beautiful place I had just been to where I came back to.

But kicking and screaming on the inside is so tiring, and no way to live.

With passing years, God has taught me how to be okay with it. One of the things I value most about my faith is knowing that my reality is steeped in the Presence of a loving God who has promised to never leave me or forsake me.

And as beautiful as it was, the beauty was only the backdrop. The part that is captured and held in the grip of eternity was the time spent with someone we love, hearing their voice and seeing every expression….things that email, phone and text can never do.

I remember how we talked and laughed and cried. The beauty of the coast and the trees and the mountains will fade away someday but pouring our hearts as an offering to each other, talking about hopes, fears, dreams and God……. That’s the treasure that remains.

I think about all three of our lives, and how we are all a miracle. And it’s a miracle how God brought us back together after so many years. I smile, because I know He jotted it all down in His book when we talked about Him right there in that coffee shop. We had church.

He was listening as we exchanged survivor’s stories about how He saved our shipwrecked lives.

And now that He’s brought us back, I know it’s just the beginning of a friendship that will last until we do.

Then those whose lives honored God got together and talked it over. God saw what they were doing and listened in. A book was opened in God’s presence and minutes were taken of the meeting, with the names of the God-fearers written down, all the names of those who honored God’s name. Malachi 3:16

The Sacredness of Sunday mornings

I pulled my sweats on and went out in the dark and it was cold so I needed an extra layer. I went back inside and got my no fail LL Bean terry cloth robe and carried my steaming cup out to the shop, the candle in my little lantern already flickering a soft glow.

A bird was singing its heart out and against the backdrop of that song, a dove cooed an accompaniment from a neighboring rooftop.

There is something sacred about this……reflecting on the week. Thanking God for how He got me through, how He got us through. I think of God pausing after the sixth day, looking out over creation, a Holy pause and here in the dark, I feel an echo of that same pause.

It’s good and right to do this.

Sometimes, activity has to stop in order for the appreciation to be fully felt, and standing on the other side of the events lets them breathe freely and take on new life.

This morning, I let it all wash over me. The events of the trip back home, getting my brother in and out of the hospital, the car almost conking out and Dad, a nervous wreck in the driver’s seat but holding it together and getting them back home. Me getting lost and nice people with directions. Mom and I sweeping my brother’s porch together.

Watching my Mom place her hands on Lauryn’s head giving her a blessing before school from my place in the driver’s seat; seeing her mouth the words I knew she was saying…….”The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face to shine upon you and give you peace.” I pray that is one memory of her Grandma that Lauryn will always carry with her.

And even after a week, I still hear the praise song Mom played from her old boombox in the corner of the kitchen.

My life is in You Lord, my strength is in You Lord, my hope is in You Lord, in You, in You………

Yes indeed. It is. And thank you also, Lord for the little light that dawned while I was training yesterday at work. I really needed that.

Choosing the Scars

If you asked me for proof of whether God exists and whether He works in the lives of people, I would ask you to peer into my life; for I believe its in the story of our lives where He does His best work. If you could have been watching, you would have seen a girl kneeling by her bed, the one with the ruffly pink chenille bedspread, the one our dog always peed on when it was fresh from the laundry, knowing even then that God was listening.

God has His fingerprint on us from the start, and either we are born with someone in our lives who confirms that or denies it. One thing I know, throughout our lives God keeps tapping us on the shoulder, trying to remind us He’s still there.

My life has been shot through with miracle after miracle, and so has yours. I was born 3 months early in a time when that was a real emergency. If we hadn’t been visiting my Aunt, who lived very close to Stanford Hospital when my Mom went into labor, I may have been returned to sender even before I took a breath.

Flash forward to aged 12 where I sat in the dermatologist office for the first time, a curtain of hair hanging in front of a face marred with early onset adult cystic acne. Around that same time, I walked down the church aisle and gave my life to the Lord, because I knew I needed saving in more ways than one.

If you took a slice out of my life during the ensuing years, you would see many good times doing things together as a family, but you would also see hard days when my Dad hated his job, and mornings when my Mom had to literally pray me out the door before the onslaught of the school day.

And even all these years later I can still feel her hand in mine and hear her voice when she prayed those prayers in the mornings by the light of the fire.

Those prayers carried me through High School where I so much wanted to belong but remained locked inside myself because I didn’t know how to be friends with myself let alone anyone else. Every now and then the acne was not as bad, and I almost felt free, but then it would come back and I would retreat again, inside my music and the dark scrawling in the notebook I carried wherever I went.

All those years the Spirit held me close, but those years also left scars that I didn’t let Him heal and because the mirror I used to view myself was a distorted one, I never saw the beauty that others saw, I just saw the scars.

Then, I went on a diet and lost a few pounds and got a few compliments. I became intoxicated with something I could actually control and I found that when I refused food that I really liked I felt a power I had never felt before.

I became my own superhero and 83 pounds was still not thin enough.

But God still held me fast. He heard the tearful prayers of my parents. One night I had a dream that was suffused with a golden light and when I awoke the next morning I knew that the demon had lost and God had won. I ate forbidden scrambled eggs and then the real work started.

In the dark mornings, God and I would get up and run when no one else could see me. Later, my Dad and I (and God) ran together. Rain or shine, we were out there. In the eighties, I joined the throng of women wearing “Flashdance” sweatshirts and leg warmers and traded one addiction for another.

And all these years later when I hear that song on the radio? I smile and remember those days when I got my health back and felt beautiful for the first time in my life ever.

And knowing God was with me all along.

Today, if you’ve ever wondered if there was a God I challenge you to look at your own life and count up all the things you’ve come through.

You are here friend, because He wanted you here.

Right now today where you stand, wherever you stand, He loves you. He has already partnered with you, all you have to do is accept His invitation to partner with Him. Years later, when you are looking back at your life the way I am looking at mine now, and trust me on this, it is the one thing you will never, ever regret.

And if my scars made the difference between knowing Him and not knowing Him? I would choose the scars every single time.

The Snow Day

Tuesday night my little corner of the desert took a cue from the rest of the country and got uncharacteristically cold and gray. When dawn drew aside her curtain we were treated to a view that was almost Holy.

Snow had dusted the top of the Superstition Mountains…..and all day long my camera beckoned from its place on the shelf.

I needed to get closer to that view…..closer to God. I drove through rain-soaked drizzle and felt the snap in the air as I waited for the heater to kick in.

My spirit was bogged down with an anchor that held my heart fast, kept it from sailing free.

And in this life isn’t there almost always a pain, a heartache, an issue, “a thing” to weigh down our hearts? But I have learned one very important bit of wisdom in my time on this earth.

Really, you could say that it is one of the most important lessons to learn.

God is always there too, and He’s always bigger than the thing, whatever that thing is.

Sometimes, we just need to know that He remembers us down here; that’s how I found myself praying that day, as I drove.

Remember me Lord…….remember me as You remembered Noah, Moses and Abraham.

See this woman down here; this woman driving around getting lost looking for the perfect view of the mountain, the perfect view of You. One who worries about her family. Remember me as my pain blooms to life once again by something I see that reminds me of what used to be.

And then somehow, a miracle does happen because it’s not only God remembering me, but me remembering God, and all the big things He’s brought us through before and I know He will again.

On days when we’d rather throw the covers over our head, what we need to do is swing our feet over the side of the bed and ask God what kind of miracle you and He are going to pull off together. It’s what I had to do this morning……

I remember You, God. And today I will set my sights on Heaven.

Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. Colossians 3:1-4

What 53 has taught me

I don’t know much, but it’s hard not to pick up a few things by the time you live to see 50, if you are paying attention that is. Regretfully, I have spent too much of life not paying attention, but a few things have stuck along the way. I have been blessed by many people who have nurtured them into my life so I can’t take full credit, I am just bringing the list to life…..The list is partial, and I hope I never stop adding to it.

Make sure the people you share your life with are never ever lonely in their own home. It happens a lot.

Don’t burden your child with talk of bills and finances and not having enough money, let them be a kid with kid worries.

Know that you can never change someones heart, only God can do that.

Surround yourself with people who are positive and know how to find humor in every situation.

Find time to do silly kid things, no matter how old you are. Roll down a hill, blow bubbles, eat fake food with your kids or grandkids…..pretend. I dare you to skip in public.

Sometimes in relationships, little by little one person ends up carrying the whole load. Every now and then, evaluate things…..find out if they are crushed under a burden they were never meant to carry. Take your part of the load back before it’s too late.

If you see someone doing something right, with their kids, with their husband or wife, or friend or neighbor…..let them know you notice.

Spend time alone with God first thing in the morning, even if it’s only for a few minutes. Those few minutes will make the rest go further.

Teach your children to be a nature lover, to listen for bird calls, see the brilliance of sunsets, to watch for the moonrise. To see each day as a miracle. That will help keep them grounded all through their life…….and hopefully, it will help introduce them to God.

Don’t bother attending a church unless you feel the presence of the Holy Spirit there.

Always remember that anger is a choice. You can restrain yourself in other places, such as work or school or in public, so you can hold that temper at home too.

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling makes the mind spin, putting your face to the pillow is better for blocking things out.

Live with an attitude of gratitude. Look for the things to be grateful for, they are all around you.

Teach your child to be kind to animals, it will follow through with people.

Life is hard……but without God life is impossible.

Blessings to you today, and peace. I hope you enjoyed my list. Feel free to add to it in your comments. I look forward to reading them.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19

Lori's Prayer Closet

"And when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you……"Matthew 6:6

Everyday Faith