When you don’t fit in and it’s okay

I grew up in a church that was somewhat legalistic. I didn’t think much of it until the first time I went to an Assembly of God church where people clapped and raised their hands, and not just shoulder height, all the way up! It was like a whole new world opened up to me. You see, in our church we weren’t even encouraged to clap. I am not sure what’s wrong with clapping. Maybe they thought it would lead to other outward expressions and then God forbid where would you draw the line? There has to be some control after all. Otherwise you might have people jumping over pews and rolling in the aisles.

I say that tongue in cheek, but looking back I always felt somewhat restricted there. One false move and you might be visited by two men in dark suits. I will never forget the time we had an outstanding musical performance and someone must have forgotten the rule because there was a burst of applause. It started strong, but then the Pastor raised his hand in admonition……”No, no clapping please.” The people (us) being properly chastened, it quickly died down.

I remember never quite fitting in. Don’t get me wrong. I have many good memories of church and I am thankful, so thankful my Mom insisted we go. I have to say, I got a wonderful Scriptural foundational knowledge there. People that love the Lord with all their hearts still go there. And yet, when I got out. I remember feeling a profound sense of freedom that I had never had before and it was a little bit of Heaven.

My joy was no longer contained……I felt like a balloon taking flight for the first time. I could feel totally comfortable lifting my hands to the sky, or equally comfortable going down to the altar and planting my face to the indoor outdoor carpeted step. I finally felt I could express my joy over being forgiven, being redeemed properly.

I have taken part in all different types of church services, and I am glad I have. I consider myself bit of a church mutt. I have been immersed in liturgy and felt extremely moved by its beauty. I have been to services where people felt totally free to kick off their shoes and dance in the aisle. And what I have come away with is this:

There is no right way or wrong way to praise God and as soon as you start making people believe they have to do worship a certain way, then you are excluding those who don’t quite fit your mold.

There is room, my friends. Room for all of our individuality at the Cross. And as long a congregation is true to Scripture, it’s all good. Just because I lift my hands in church doesn’t mean someone else has to. Their hearts might be bursting with praise within. God knows hearts. He knows each thought, each feeling, He hears whispered praise as well as praise that shouts to the sky.

He is big enough to contain it all.

How to remain soft (when the world gets too hard)

In any given day we are exposed to hundreds of bits and pieces of information at rapid fire pace. Some of them are totally useless. This is why I listen to the news only enough to know what is going on in the world and no more.

We live in a world of sensationalism; of endless noise, where the biggest, saddest story gets the headlines. It’s the stories that hold the most tragedy, the most grief that are waived endlessly in front of our eyes all day long. I wonder what all this does to our psyches?

For the most part, there is little we can do about any of the events we hear about every day. Added on top of that, we have family, friends, jobs and responsibilities. Things and people who can’t wait.

We tend to filter it all out in order of importance, but some of the other stuff leaks in anyway. We have to let some things slide. In fact, it gets easier and easier to let more things slide. How do we deal with all these things we can do nothing about? It’s a question I have been asking myself.

While I was back home, there were two obituaries in the paper. A young girl and a young man who should have had everything to live for committed suicide. One of them jumped in front of a train and the other shot herself. And then hungry displaced Ukrainian children and the missing Malaysian flight with 239 people…..gone.

I wonder if we are all much more desensitized than we realize. I wonder if it’s all making me more desensitized to events in my own world than I realize? It scares me to think that.

In the world of long ago, many of us lived in small communities. We knew each other and each others families. When Sally fell into a well, or when Billy fell off the tractor, we all gathered together to help. When someone died, we all cried together, prayed together.

We dressed in black and went to the funeral, brought food to the family.

And slowly everyone healed. Grew closer together. We had a sense of resolution. It felt like some kind of closure.

But now I wonder. And it makes me think that what I do is even more important than ever. This getting alone with God in the mornings. As of late, I have been thinking that maybe it’s just something I do out of habit like reciting a memorized prayer by rote.

But even memorized prayers have words with meaning, words that God can fan into flame with His power just like He can ignite our hearts to love all over again.

I think of Jesus when He was on this earth. I think of how hard it must have been to see the heartache and know that He could have just waved His hand and taken it all away. But He didn’t. He healed hearts and people one at a time, just like He wants us to do now.

Jesus had the ability to display perfect empathy in every situation. One person at a time. And He had to get away for a while too, even though He was God.

He got alone by the water, alone on the mountain. Who are we to think we don’t need to?

Yesterday the parking lot beckoned like an oasis. On break I went out to my quiet car because my brain just wouldn’t quit. I closed my eyes and remembered the sound of the waves.

I was worried about my Mom who was sick and my Dad whose body is failing him in many ways. And I felt my brother’s wounds and sorrow too. I heard my niece processing her fears of missing me “when Nori goes back to work,” and I heard my Mom’s voice as she wistfully said, “Mom’s and daughters shouldn’t be separated.” I agree Mom. I hear you, you’re right. I felt it all, along with the joy.

As I sat there with the sun warming my shoulders, I threw a line of prayer out every now and then, not feeling it much. With my eyes still closed, I startled when I heard the rustle of wings close, and the unmistakable squeak of a dove as she landed. Right on the lip of my sunroof.

She stood staring down at me, so close we were almost eye to eye. I thought she might just fly into the car, but she just looked at me for a moment and flew off. It was a visitation. One moment of a hundred others in the day that stood out. A God moment.

And heading home, welcome words from a text on my phone.

“I am not going to the gym, I made dinner.” Oh, how I needed those words. A peaceful and restful evening after steak and asparagus. Oh yes, I will go to the gym tomorrow.

But for right now, this is how I heal. This is how we all heal each other.

Because sometimes, even after vacations, you still need a little rest.

God’s Pop Quizzes

There are times when we feel the Lord’s Presence very keenly, and there are those times when we just lean back on our trust because we know He’s there. Sometimes He likes to surprise us. I expect to feel the brush of the Holy Spirit when I am in prayer but I don’t always. And sometimes when I least expect Him, He’s there.

Sometimes He likes to give me a little pop quiz to see what my faith is made of.

There is something about the cloak of early morning blackness that makes God so much nearer. I had five minutes to spare this morning and I took it. Settling on the couch with my coffee, I sighed. “Oh, Lord, where would I be without You?” It was a one-liner prayer. Lately, I have been saying a lot of those.

Sometimes you just don’t want to use that many words so you let the silence say the rest. God knows.

He answered me immediately by filling up the space next to me. I remembered other mornings, other prayers. Prayers without which I never would have gotten up and out the door, said by dear ones all through my life. How have I been so rich? This one I will add to my collection to the others safely tucked away.

I love how God surprises with little times of refreshing. I certainly do nothing to deserve them, it’s always grace, only grace, simply grace…….It’s His unmerited favor that holds me close, that makes each day a gift worth unwrapping.

The Holy Spirit comes as comforter and draws us close to remind us that we are His children, and no matter what else we might feel is so pressing, so serious, so immediate.

It is this that matters most. That you took the time to rend me a little hole in clouds so that the Heavens could reach me. Just because it pleased You to do it.

Thank you, Precious Lord. Even though the CD that I wanted to listen to skipped on every song on my way to work it didn’t matter. Turns out I didn’t need it anyway. I coasted to work on clouds of Your great grace and unending mercy.

Your steadfast love, O Lord, is as great as all the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your justice is as solid as God’s mountains. Your decisions are as full of wisdom as the oceans are with water. You are concernedfor men and animals alike. How precious is your constant love, O God! All humanity takes refuge in the shadow of your wings. You feed them with blessings from your own table and let them drink from your rivers of delight. Psalm 36:5-8

Waiting in Hope, (even when you don’t feel very hopeful)

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

Saturday evening after work, I was drained. I was out of gas. I was trying to get home and traffic was crazy as usual. I left the freeway due to a detour and I was following the detour signs though I didn’t have to, I knew where I was. Sometimes it’s nice when you are forced off four lanes. The tension of the day was still knotted into my shoulders yet as I looked to my left I was hit with a jaw dropping sunset. Then I had one of those really deep theological sounding prayers that goes like this:

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, thank you.

And on the heels of that prayer the quiet thought came to rest deep in my soul, “How can I feel hopeless when I know the originator of that astounding light?”

Yet, we can. The world has a way of sapping our strength.

Yet in those times when the flame of our faith flickers low, we have the assurance of knowing the source behind that flame will never die. Our strength resides in the waiting and the trusting that He’s still there, and that the foundation we stand upon is firm. Our faith carries us even when we are not feeling particularly hopeful because we know our sense of hopelessness is temporary. And in the waiting, we grow stronger.

I took the exit that led me to Wal-Mart because I needed to get some things before I went home, and it was madness. I had forgotten that it was “Lost Dutchman Days” in Apache Junction this weekend. That means 20,000 extra people in our humble town. I think every single one of them was at Wal-Mart, along with me.

I steered through the crowds, weaving in and out like a person possessed. I ran while God whispered. He pointed out the daffodils poking their sunny heads out of the ugly black buckets. He knows they always make me smile. And He elbowed me to see the little stuffed cat that looked just like the one that my niece carried with her from the time she was very small…….it made me think of a sweet time in her life and mine.

The next morning was Sunday, and I still felt hung-over from the work-week. I gave myself a time-out. I tried to go out and pray and my prayers hit a Teflon ceiling. I sat in the silence aware of nothing but my own gloomy disposition. My candle flickered for nothing, it seemed.

Blowing on the embers, I dug out an old Praise CD from 1989, the ones you hardly hear anymore in church. I lit candles, I read and whiled away the day in my sweats. I finished a book and started another. It felt good. But I still didn’t feel hopeful. My Dad called, and told me about a wonderful testimony in church he heard. Three sisters baptized and the oldest girl, 18, had everyone in tears with her words.

He almost didn’t go. In fact, he took my Prayer Closet book out to his swing and out fell the two pages that Elaine found that sad day in the parking lot of the rest home. Those words, still giving him the hope that they gave her when she first found them. Read about it here.

And the angel said unto them, Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be to all the people: for there is born to you this day in the city of David a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:10,11

This is what gives us hope even when the world tries its best to snatch it away. This morning, I awoke to hope again. It never really went anywhere. It was just waiting for me to receive it again. Sometimes you just have to wait in the expectation of hope, even when you don’t feel very hopeful.

I Woke to Beauty

Once again, Mama dove is sitting in her place in the spiny cactus waiting for her baby. Seasons are really, renewed hope are they not? That even when life gets scary and you fill fear crawling up your back and life seems unstable that some things will go on as they should. I have been so concerned about my Mom’s health, and yet she is the one who always taught me to look for the beauty no matter what.

To look for the robin after the storm.

So today, I awoke after a fitful night to a world of beauty. The birds were singing, and the weather was glorious despite the fact that we have had almost no rain. Somehow the cactus will still manage to bloom. There is doom and gloom on the news because of the early fire season and while that is a real danger, I will choose today to look at what God wants me to see.

The wondrous cloak of clouds this morning amidst the backdrop of the doves and mockingbirds call……

The freshly tilled earth, seeds waiting to spring.

A best friend who stands behind me no matter what, ready to help, ready to pray, ready to do whatever is necessary in any situation.

Coffee, dark and rich and clouds of foam that cover my top lip as I sip luxurious cup after cup.

Last night I had a dream in which I saw Jesus approach a sick boy and take the sickness from him, I saw it. It was like a brief cameo shot in a movie but it was there just the same, just as real as if I really saw it.

He still rules and reigns and while there is no cure for sickness or aging, there is one for the death that really matters……..thanks to Him. That is why I will rejoice in the midst of sorrow and worry and pain and stress.

Wherefore we faint not; but though our outward man is decaying, yet our inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is for the moment, worketh for us more and more exceedingly an eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I also invite you to go here to read about a friends beautiful words of awakening to hope. You will be blessed, I promise.

A little bit Mary, a little bit Martha

But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42 NLT

I got caught in a “Martha” moment in the middle of prayer this morning. I started praying for my Mom, who has not been feeling well. From that, my mind spun ahead to her Birthday which is next month. I started out a lot like Mary, just sitting at Jesus feet enjoying His presence. Then before I even realized it my mind took off and spiraled into Martha territory. Here’s a bit of how my prayer went:

“Thank you Lord for this moment, these precious times with you. I lift up my Mom today in prayer and ask that you give her strength and healing……” (Mary)

I hope she is well enough for the party. I remember my Aunt Esther dying right after her 80th. I wonder how much longer I have with Mom……I don’t want to think about it. She is 84 after all……I wonder when I can get into the clubhouse to decorate? I wonder what I should put on the tables? I need to send invitations out soon…..Oh, I know just where I will get them. I need to get all the addresses…….what will people want to drink? What about food? Flowers? I hope we can go to church that morning because I hardly ever get to do that with them…..what road was it that I turned on last to get there? Maybe I could print up the story about the red shoes and work that into her party somehow…………(Martha)

Whoa, I just tired myself out. And where did Jesus go anyway?

Over and over again, God uses me to demonstrate that He indeed does have a sense of humor. Thankfully He also has a ready supply of forgiveness. Thank you, Lord…..and:

Forgive me, for my Martha heart. Help me always to choose you, the better part. Though there are times when we need to charge in and get things done, there are also times when it’s just as necessary to be still before you and just enjoy your Presence. And while I am scurrying around like Martha, checking things off my list, help me to have the peace of Mary in my heart. Amen.

While Martha and Mary had different personalities and ways of expressing their love, it’s clear that they both loved Jesus and He loved both of them.

Live in His love today!

When Faith Becomes Real

When life comes crashing down or you come crashing into it, you have to decide that ultimately, Christianity is much more than raising your hand in church “with every eye closed and every head bowed.” It’s much more than inviting Jesus to live in your heart, more than flannel board stories you learned in Sunday School.

Sometimes, the truth is: Jesus is not warm and fuzzy. He is gritty, hard and real, and so is the path He invites us to tread. When you have no strength left and the sun is blocked by a pile of problems that feel like they are stacked as tall as Everest, it is then that your faith becomes real.

Ultimately, you come to the realization that while you did say yes to Him at one point, long before that He made the first move at the dawn of creation when the Trinity formed a huddle and talked about the cross. We didn’t choose Him, He chose us when He decided to come and redeem us.“You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name.” John 15:16

If you are like me, you spend lots of time life mulling that over. The rest of your life, really. And hopefully it’s when the light starts to dawn and your life begins to look different. You realize just a little bit of what it really cost Jesus. Just enough that it’s almost paralyzing.

You realize that how you treat people becomes how you treat Jesus and that’s really scary because you, like me, realize how far you still have to go. Sometimes, when I lay awake at night I think that maybe I don’t have what it takes to follow Him, to do whatever He asks.

I wonder why I get to lay in a warm bed when there are people shivering in the streets. The wondering makes me think how sad God must feel to see all the suffering He sees, while He waits to see which one of His kids will step up. I pray, “Bless those that go…..” while being thankful He’s not calling me, or is He?

Far too many times I belly up to the altar of comfort and security. I mix up my own custom batch of pre-packaged Christianity which doesn’t always line up with the Biblical version and hope it’s enough.

Thankfully, He is big enough to handle my cowardly times, which are many. Those times I keep silent when I should speak up. And He’s there for those two in the morning times when I can’t sleep and the cats know I’m restless so they gather close around me and purr. TImes like this morning when for the life of me, I couldn’t remember the next line of the 23rd Psalm, even though I know it by heart.

His love is big enough to handle a person like me who can have a mini crisis of faith at 2 in the morning and forget all about it the next day.

He gets me, because He made me. And nothing I do surprises Him. And He loves me anyway.

Today, I remembered this song we used to sing in church and it fit what I was struggling to put into words today. Maybe you identify with it too. Because it amazes me how His love is big enough to cover everything. Every little part of you and me.

His love is deep, His love is wide
And it covers us
His love is fierce, His love is strong
It’s furious
His love is sweet, His love is wild
And it’s waking hearts to life…….

“Furious” Jeremy Riddle

Living out our faith in a not so friendly atmosphere

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. Romans 12:1

What does that mean exactly? As I read through Romans 12 this morning, I thought about a conversation that took place at work yesterday. I was on the next station over and I heard the conversation start up. A woman who just joined our team was talking about “that singer who left the Grammies.” My ears perked up. Oh no, here we go, I thought. I kept listening as she went on and on about how ridiculous she was, she, meaning Natalie Grant. “After all,” she said, “what did she expect from the Grammy’s, she should have just stayed away.”

Apparently she felt that despite being up for several Grammy’s herself, she should have sat it out, knowing what would take place there. The problem with that is, apparently only a few people knew what would take place during the show. As I understand it, the mass wedding, which included several gay couples was kept a secret from everyone until a few days before the event. The participants and the producer knew about it, and participants had to sign a contract of secrecy that they wouldn’t let the media in on what would take place.

And then there was the whole Katy Perry performance, riddled with Satanic overtones, which added to the bizarre evening.

I kept listening from where I sat, breathing a silent prayer of thanks. Had I been sitting at my regular station I would have been smack dab in the middle, geographically anyway, of the conversation. I probably wouldn’t have been able to keep silent.

She was increasingly aggravated and incensed: “Who does she think she is, anyway, does she think she is better than everyone else?” My trainee was sitting where I usually sit and he was graciously trying to side-step the whole matter. Her trainer was on the next station over and got into the conversation by voicing his support of singer Natalie Grant’s right to get up and leave the performance. I was glad he did that, but it was pretty apparent he was a lone voice, although in the end, my trainee supported her right to leave too, but only after someone else had jumped in and come to her defense.

As I sat reading Romans 12 this morning, I reflected on just what it means to be a living sacrifice in today’s culture. In Paul’s day, under Nero’s rule, Christians were being dragged away tortured and killed for their faith. Paul would be one of those. Thankfully, it hasn’t got to that point in our culture…….yet. But things will get worse before they get better and that shouldn’t surprise anyone who has studied the Bible for any length of time.

None of us has been persecuted, just misunderstood.

And we will continue to be misunderstood, increasingly. In the end, what our faith has to come down to, what it has to look like is love. Our love for God and love for others has to rule our hearts. My co-worker never got angry but he did get his point across. It’s hard for people to argue against love, but then again, Jesus loved and it got Him killed.

I am going to pray for love to rule in my heart as I also pray for wisdom to know when to speak up and when to remain silent. I hope I will have the courage to live out my faith in such a way that it will come out humble and yet strong in the face of opposition, because it is humbling.

I think of what those in Paul’s day did in the face of opposition. They submitted to the authorities and got themselves killed. They loved people to death, their own deaths. They died with love in their hearts and words of peace on their lips.

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Because of the privilege and authorityGod has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. Romans 12:1-5

Why I Believe

I guess because I’m lazy. You see, when I look at light like this, I am absolutely certain it has a source other than the setting sun. For me, it takes more faith not to believe……..I like to think that nature is God’s looking-glass, others gaze at a sunset, I see His canvas.

And who can fail to see a reflection of Heaven in a newborn’s eyes?

I can explain God in a thousand different ways and yet, even this beauty is but a dim reflection. I guess the best way to explain God is in the unexplainable mysteries we still haven’t figured out. Tell me if you know who holds up the moon? The earth in place? Who could see this moon and not utter a prayer?

How can I count the ways He speaks? He speaks in the quiet of a church pew, at Holy light filtering through the windows on a Christmas Eve. On a snow filled forest when it’s hushed and the silence is filled with His presence. He speaks in the hope of a loved one’s smile on before death, because they know they are standing on the threshold of Heaven and there is nothing to fear. I have seen it.

And once, He even spoke to me through a painting. When I stood stock-still and speechless before El Greco’s painting “The Tears of St. Peter” and tears sprang from my own eyes because suddenly I understood how it was to see how Holiness could spring from a canvas.

He speaks in the poetry of the way a coyote springs as he walks. And in Chopin’s Concerto number 2 right as the sun comes though the clouds.

And when I open His book I see how it lives and works in the lives of people like you and me. Here, and now.

One thing that puzzles me is how someone who normally doesn’t give God a thought can blame Him for the worst of humanity’s ills. I guess they forget that He gave us clear directions on how to treat one another. We own that. Not Him.

I am thankful because it’s something I don’t struggle with, belief that He is. Though many do.

My prayer today and for all time is to be a conduit of His grace here in my own quiet way. To point the way of Hope, and that this is not all there is. May you be touched by His light today.

The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard.Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world. God has made a home in the heavens for the sun. It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding. It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race.

The sun rises at one end of the heavens and follows its course to the other end. Nothing can hide from its heat. The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living. Psalm 19:1-8

God wants you (and your baggage)

Some things come easily to me. It’s a gift, I know. I hear of people who struggle to believe that not only is there a God, a Supreme Being who created everything we see; but that He also wants to hear from us. We don’t serve a passive God. We serve one who wants to be involved in every aspect of our daily lives.

It wasn’t enough for Him to create everything and disengage. That’s not how He works.

What is hard for me to imagine is eternity. I always think someone will mess things up like what happened before with Adam and Eve in the garden. But the Bible says that we will live with Him forever, so I take Him at His word and I thank Him everyday for that future hope.

I pray for those who are struggling today to believe, and my belief humbles me because I know that it is truly a gift from God.

We are a flawed people loved by a perfect God. That is what I rejoice in today. My struggles come in the form of fear, worry and anxiety which the Bible says pretty much points to a lack of faith. The other day I awoke on a perfectly wonderfully free day off with my mind literally teeming with anxiety. I knew the cure so I headed out to pray.

I lit my lantern and with a dove softly cooing from a neighbor’s rooftop I gave myself a talking to. Then I talked to God.

Sometimes things like anxiety…..fear….worry, are choices, my friends. We have to choose who we will serve on any given day.

That day, I rejected my anxiety. Sometimes you have to do that. I had to ask myself who I believed. I had to put my faith into action by trusting the One who told me I didn’t have to worry. Each day is a choice whether to take God at His word or not.

My prayer went something like this:

I love you, Lord. I really love you. I am an extremely flawed individual, wrapped up in anxiety, bundled up in worry far too much of the time, but what I do have I give to you. Thank you for taking me as well as my baggage. Amen

While I was praying I envisioned me and Jesus sitting on the shore of a lake sometime in the future. We were sitting on a large rock side by side listening to the water lap gently on the shore, when He turned toward me with love and a bit of a twinkle in His eyes and said, “See? I told you there was nothing to worry about.”

My friends, give Him your baggage today, whatever it is.

He knows what to do with it.

Lori's Prayer Closet

"And when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you……"Matthew 6:6

Everyday Faith