Casting our care……

……….casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
You’re hurt and still reeling from the pain of it……all you want to do is go away. Like an animal that is scared or sick, you want to find a dark quiet place and go there. The pain of it is so great you don’t even want to talk about it. You didn’t expect it, and especially from them. You reached out your hand for help and drew back a bloody stump.
I don’t know much but I do know that when your heart is aching that much, there is only One who can heal it. When you don’t want to talk to anyone else because it just hurts too much to repeat it, you can tell it to Him. He understands. One of the saddest verses in the Bible is also the most comforting to me. It is part of Isaiah’s prophecy concerning Jesus:
……He was despised and rejected–a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. Isaiah 53:3
He felt that bitter ache……He identifies fully with us in that way. His own best friends deserted Him when He needed them the most. We all did. When the ones you love the most turn their backs on you, and that you don’t even know what to do with the hurt, give it to Jesus. You can trust Him with it. He is waiting with open arms.
Let Him place His healing hands over your heart today. Even our best friends can’t do that, as much as they might want to.
But He can, and He will.
He loves you dear one.

Could it possibly be?

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven–Ecclesiastes 3:1

There is a reason they call it “THE CHANGE.” As in, not a change, but the change. The mother of all changes. No I don’t think I can write about this, it is too painful. I have been on the other side of the change all my life. So far, I have dipped my toes in that river that takes me to the other side, and I don’t much like how it feels.

It comes with certain symptoms that I remember seeing in my older female relatives. I am ashamed to say that I snickered when they suddenly bolted from the table, looking like might implode from the inside out. I am sure of one thing, I am much too young for this despite what I read on the Web MD. And if I hadn’t read the symptoms? I would probably just have gone on denying it.

To make it worse, when I read some of these off to my very supportive best friend, she said, “That’s nothing new, you’ve been that way ever since I’ve known you…” Ouch.

Usually once a night, sometimes more, I wake up and run for the freezer for my little handy ice wrap thingy. The other night I stumbled out there, the cats blearily looking at me, (they know by now that this is normal, and not time for food yet.)

I velcroed the wonderful coolness around my neck and feeling the chill,  fell back asleep. I really don’t remember putting it on so tight, but I was really really hot. When I awoke awhile later it had lost it’s coolness and felt like a warm boa constrictor. That set off a panic attack. I turned instantly clautrophobic and when I finally wrestled it off I had to laugh in spite of myself. What must I have looked like?

It was a tough night.

I just want to know why they call it Menopause, do Men go through the change too? Not that that is what is happening to me mind you.

The Alzheimer’s Institute

I accompanied Elaine to the Alzheimer’s Institute yesterday with her Mom.We entered through a shady entry with the biggest ficus trees I have ever seen. It was eerily quiet. We were 30 minutes early. You always have to start out early going anywhere in Phoenix, you never know what you might run into on the freeway.

The doors opened and we were ushered into the land of Nod. There was one man there, a very nice man who turned on the lights for us. He even brought us coffee. Elaine’s Mom, ever grateful and right on cue said, “This is the worst coffee I have ever tasted….” Said me, “I thought it was pretty nice of him to bring it to us.”

I have to say, it was a pretty impressive setup. They even had a library full of books and resources and computers you could use. Of course I was drawn to that.

Sitting there, we watched the staff start to trickle in. When you are with Joyce you can’t be surprised at what might come out of her mouth. One skinny but well dressed woman breezed through in a flowing dress and tennis shoes. She must walk to work. Said Joyce, out loud…..”That woman has some big feet.” I don’t think the woman heard her. Elaine always says, “Someday she is going to get me killed.”

We all traipsed back when the Doctor called us out to go through the results of the question and answer session. I listened as he went through his routine. Not much was surprising or new. He was youngish, and very nice looking and had a kindly manner.

My mind was running a ticker tape of answers as he addressed them both. Inside I was shouting.

Doctor: How is the depression?

What does she have to be depressed about, she has two people waiting on her hand and foot. She has the life of a Diva right now. What about the caregiver? She is emotionally bankrupt and overdrawn?? What about our depression?

Doctor: Her weight seems good.

Of course her weight is good. Her daughter makes two and sometimes 4 meals a day for her, why wouldn’t her weight be good.

Doctor: So there plenty of family and resources around to help out? Joyce said something to the affirmative. I wanted to laugh out loud…..

No, Doctor, you are looking at the one and only resource here. And she’s running on empty.

I finally had to speak up and make sure that Elaine as the sole caregiver would get some help. He assured us that someone would be in contact within two weeks. Okay, then.

All in all I would have to say it was a positive experience. It is geared to the patient and that is as it should be, however one thing I would change is that the caregiver should also be looked at as a patient. Statistics have proven that many times caregivers develop their own health issues and even die as a result of giving themselves over totally to the one they are caring for. I think they would do well to include some time alone with the Doctor so they can talk freely about their own needs.

In the meantime, I am working on memorizing 1 Corinthians 13:1-7. God has His work to do on me……

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy <sup class="crossreference" value="(B)”> and can fathom all mysteries <sup class="crossreference" value="(C)”> and all knowledge, <sup class="crossreference" value="(D)”> and if I have a faith <sup class="crossreference" value="(E)”> that can move mountains, <sup class="crossreference" value="(F)”> but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor <sup class="crossreference" value="(G)”> and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,  but do not have love, I gain nothing.


 Love is patient, <sup class="crossreference" value="(I)”> love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, <sup class="crossreference" value="(K)”> it is not easily angered, <sup class="crossreference" value="(L)”> it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil <sup class="crossreference" value="(N)”> but rejoices with the truth. <sup class="crossreference" value="(O)”> It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

The Wonderful Sameness of God

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8
From my prayer journal:
The wonderful “sameness” of God. It is quite a thing to contemplate. While the conversion experience itself may vary from person to person, but the end result is the same…….we are born anew, fused with a Holy God for eternity. At one point in our lives we had a crisis of soul. We had to answer the question once and for all. Am I going to walk God’s way or my way? Once we are faced with the facts, we must do something with them.
We can read the words of St. Augustine from AD 386 as he reels under the weight of his soul struggle in a garden long ago, and it resonates with us because it happened to us too and it speaks to the wonderful sameness of our God. Where it actually happens doesn’t matter, but what does matter is this……..Once the Holy Spirit taps you on the shoulder, there is no doubt about who it is that is speaking to you.
Change is now so much a part of our daily life that we think of it as normal. At any given time at work I have to be ready to change, do something different, learn something new, or train someone else on what I already know. But I can count on one thing to not ever change……God.
He is the same yesterday, today and forever. And so are His standards. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to count on.
Then you called me and cried to me and broke through my deafness! You sent forth your beam, the light of your magnificently beautiful presence. You shone your Self upon me to drive away my blindness. You breathed your fragrance upon me….and in astonishment I drew my breath…..now I pant for you! I tasted you, and now I hunger and thirst for you……You touched me, and I burn to live within your peace. Augustine, Confessions 10
Collecting thanks today with the body of believers everywhere……..the wonderful sameness of our God, that He always hears the cries of the heart and is quick to deliver……cool morning breezes and being to still sit outside……small moments of peace that make it easier to go on…..being so thankful for being able to tell my Mom how grateful I am for her yesterday……watching little seedling reach for the sky……a fresh batch of library books, oh joy…….stories with happy endings…….being a listening ear for someone who needs it……..the surprise rainstorm we got……..the grace of being thankful when the road gets hard because God is worthy of it. #888-899

Can we talk????

I heard a quote somewhere that said something like, “we view ourselves as our mothers see us“…….I probably mangled the quote, and I really can’t remember where I read it, but the meaning stuck with me. Could it actually be true? There is no stronger bond than that of the parent and child, or more complex. If that is true, then the bond between Moms and Daughters is even more complicated.

For every daughter who has a mom worthy of the glowing phrases found in a Hallmark card, I am sure there are 4 or 5 that don’t. I am very blessed and grateful that it has always been easy for me to celebrate Mom’s day. My mom has made it so. She was there emotionally and physically for me, always…..she still is, I am happy to say.

Some daughters spend their whole lives trying to “get over” their mother. And some spend all their lives trying to please a mother who will not be pleased; who remains as emotionally and physically available as a brick wall. My best friend comes to mind immediately. Sometimes, as she says, “I thank her for doing the best she could at the time, and for giving me life.” I don’t know that I could be as gracious as she is.

My Mom always hated Mother’s Day. Finding a card was always difficult. My Grandmother was emotionally distant and critical of her daughters and yet displayed open affection for her son. In her defense, she lost a precious little girl to a shooting accident when she was only four. I often wonder if she just couldn’t allow herself to show affection for my Mom and Aunts because of her guilt about Annie.

Some things she did do right. She created a warm atmosphere in their home in many ways. They always came home to meals and home baked pastries and a clean house. To her credit, she was very demonstrative in her love for me and my brother. I think mixed in with her love for me was pity, since I was born 3 months premature and was a small pale child. She was always trying to feed me.

Even great moms struggle with guilt……they think they haven’t done enough. They see the mistakes they made instead of all the things they did right. My Mom told me on the phone yesterday, “It’s hard for me to think of myself as a good Mom.” I was floored.

As daughters we tend to remember that one barb that stuck, that one hurtful thing our Mom said that she may not have even been aware of saying, nevertheless we remember it.

Mother’s Day for those of us without kids can be uncomfortable. An innocent question like, “What are you doing for Mother’s Day” and all of a sudden I feel like I am on the other end of the Spanish Inquisition about why I don’t have kids. Most of the time it’s all in my head. They just asked a question, after all.

Just because I haven’t had any doesn’t mean I haven’t mothered in some way shape or form. In fact, I feel very sure that within all women there resides a she-wolf  that would step in front of a truck to save even someone else’s child. Its just a part of who we are.

There’s a whole world of children out there who have benefited by someone who picked up where Mom left off. Someone who sacrificed without giving it a second thought. Auntie, Grandma, best friend, teacher……Imagine where some of those kids would be if no one had stepped up.

There was one moment in particular when I felt like I was briefly ushered in to the Mommy community. I was dropping my little niece Lauryn off at school when I noticed the booger hanging halfway out her cute little nose. Instantly I was mortified that she might be teased by her classmates, so I took my bare finger (cause that was all I had) and got it out for her. Then I understood that thing that comes alive in you as a parent. That thing that says, I will do whatever it takes to protect you.

So today I honor all Mothers in whatever capacity you serve. Because being a good Mom is the toughest job in the world and one of the most important assignments God will ever give you. You deserve more than just one day…..

“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” — Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

One Little Word

“I was a stranger and you welcomed me…….”
“That you may welcome her in the Lord in a way worthy of the saints…….”
“The native people showed us unusual kindness, for they kindled a fire and welcomed us all……..”
“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house…….”
It was only a simple little sign that said, “Welcome.” My Aunt had tacked it up close to the place we’d park so we would be sure to see it when we came in. To really see that sign for what it was, you would have to understand the million painful steps of grief and stress it took to get there. The welcome behind that little sign said it all…….It meant finding a place of peace for a few short days. It meant, I am glad to have you here….you are wanted, appreciated. You are safe.
When you give someone a welcome, you have no way of knowing how great that impact will be. Or maybe you do. You never know what someone is facing, where they are on their journey or how far that journey has taken them. To someone, your welcome might mean that they can keep going on, that it’s worth it….that they are worth it. And just maybe, our welcome is their last hope.

Welcome in our eyes, welcome with open arms, welcome with words of softness.

Being welcomed is like coming in out of the cold and led to a crackling fire and a steaming mug of something to wrap your hands around.

Being made to feel unwelcome is like being cast out into a raging storm. It can be the loneliest feeling in the world.

There is a world of people out there who are scarred and hurting from past rejection. They have learned not to trust, yet they really want to. And everytime we are kind, we are participants in healing over those old scars. And really, don’t we all need some healing?

I will never forget the sting I felt when I was at a family gathering long ago. The mother couldn’t remember my name and referred to me as “What’s her name….” then they proceeded to go off to a different place and put their chairs in a circle. It was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced. I never want to make anyone feel like I felt that day.
And yet I know at times that I have…….God still has a lot of work to do on me.
And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ Matthew 25:40

Chasing God’s Reflection

And the happy life is this: To rejoice in You. To rejoice for you. To rejoice because of you. I say it again: Life is joy in You, who are the truth, O my God, the light of my soul, health of my body!

Those who think there is a different way to find a happy life are pursuing something quite different from happiness–how sad that they do not even realize it. It is true they will find some reflection of joy. But they will not find the true thing, and in the end they will be sadly disappointed, as I once was. Augustine, Confessions 10
I was thinking of the truth and beauty of Augustine’s words yesterday as I sat in the quiet. I was remembering Saturday night and how Elaine and I raced all over the golf course across the street looking for that perfect shot of the Big Moon……She was my human tripod. She calls herself my camera caddy. And she doesn’t mind a bit……As darkness closed in she said, “Let’s go and find the water so we can get a shot of the reflection.”
A bit further, and we found it. I balanced the camera on her shoulder and she clicked away on her IPhone……it was magnificent, and yet, it wasn’t the reflection itself that held us captive, it was what it was reflecting that continued to turn our eyes upward.
We can get so caught up in the reflection of God through all the wonderful things He has made that we can actually miss God Himself. Augustine was right. And yet, as Elaine pointed out, the fact that someone created all this times doesn’t factor in to many folks pattern of thought. Their minds don’t go there.
Why did I? Why did she? Why do any of us?
Therein lies the whole miracle of the conversion experience…….And how could I not be bursting with Gratitude each and every day. It humbles me to the point of silence…..
And He did it all for us, “See, what I made you……” Everything we see around us is a reflection of His love for us. His hope is that we will look just a bit further. To lift our eyes to Him so that we may not only know Him, but be One with Him through Jesus…..
My list continues……..Big beautiful moons that take the breath away……a garden springing to life……still cool mornings for which I am oh so grateful……a great follow-up conversation with our girl Heather…..another week to worship with the fellowship of believers…….another great lunch after church…..watching Mama feed her baby bird while taking a break at work……answered prayers as I looked back on my journal of two years ago……another day off! #877-887

The Foolish Cross

Cross at Canaan in the Desert, Phoenix Arizona
 For the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written,
“ I will destroy the wisdom of the wise,
And the cleverness of the clever I will set aside.”

Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. For indeed Jews ask for [p]signs and Greeks search for wisdom; but we preach Christ crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness,  but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.  Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. 1 Corinthians 1:18-25

All of our technology and all of our human intellect has done nothing to improve the moral climate of this world. It seems the more educated we are, the worse we mess things up. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for higher learning and education. But lets say we offer up the most brilliant thinkers of all time, even if we could combine them all into one person, we would only be left with one very intelligent person.

If in fact, there is such a thing as intellect and reason, and there is, it follows that there is a source behind it all that is infinitely and vastly superior.

What kind of language would that intelligent being have to use, to bridge the intellectual and moral chasm that lies between us?

Something almost too foolish for us to understand.

Something confounding, something almost too simple to be believed. Something preposterous.

Something like the cross.

Something that really messes with our intellectual pride. Picture a human being going to live in the ant world. And God would have to shrink Himself down much further than that……

He would have to make Himself look like Jesus did. Totally non-threatening. Gentle as a lamb, but with all the power of the universe at His disposal. Able to tell a raging storm to pipe down. Able to command death itself to go back where it came from and bring Lazarus out of the tomb alive.

And able to raise Himself from the dead, in order that we could be raised too.

God has proven that there is nothing He won’t do to make Himself accessible to you.

He loves you that much.

Missing her……

I am missing her this morning….that’s my post today. This coming week she will be going to the beach with “Papa’s Mama” (my Mom) and “Papa” as she calls my Dad, and her Daddy. I heard how excited she sounded on the phone the other night. Sitting here at my desk at work, my heart squeezes and I am trying to keep tears from spilling, and failing. I know how she will shriek when she sees the ocean, just like I used to. She will be jumping up and down on one foot and I know my brother will not be moving nearly fast enough for her.

Wasn’t it only yesterday that she left the driveway in her car seat, shortly after she was born? That I collapsed in tears because I knew I wouldn’t be seeing her again for awhile? I saw all those moments I was going to miss. It’s preposterous, that her next Birthday she will be ten….and I shake my head in disbelief and how fast it all went.

Elaine was feeling much the same way last night……Her niece, and namesake, McKenna was in a school play. I saw and felt the pang of sadness in her voice and in her eyes as the pictures came through, knowing she wouldn’t be there to see her perform the part of Charlie Bucket’s mother onstage.

They are all so precious and time is flying by way too fast. Everything is monumental in their lives right now, every moment as big as eternity……I wish I could make a big bubble where we could all live close.

All those moments are magic, you know?

I feel unsettled this morning,  like the world is shifting a bit under my feet. The gravity of home was pulling me back. I even kept slowing down in the car, and for me that is unusual. I got to work and found they had moved my workstation. You would think I would be totally comfortable with change by now after being here 16 years.

Meanwhile, there is a little girl named Isabel still missing here in Arizona. She is only 6. I hope and pray she will have another Birthday,  yet after more than one week missing, I feel guilty in thinking there is little hope that she will…… that is a sorrow that I can’t even fathom. A bottomless grief.

Today I hold out hope along with her parents, that somewhere she is safe.

Please keep Isabel and her family in your prayers…..

Looking back to what’s ahead…..

“Keep your face to the sunshine
and you cannot see the shadow.
It’s what sunflowers do.”
by Helen Keller

Been thinking about………Soft answers. And how the Bible says they turn away wrath. All this time I was thinking it was to turn away the hearer’s wrath, but maybe the whole point is to turn away the wrath of the deliverer as well.

There is always more behind what Jesus says. The Bible is filled with layers. The more I read it the more layers and meanings God reveals.

Life sometimes feels like it’s going frightfully fast. I find myself wanting to stop the stream of it, plug the hole with my finger to keep it from flowing, rushing past……stop it in midstream. And yet I want to move fast forward to retirement. Maybe, I think, life will move more slowly after that. If I can only just get there.

Meanwhile, during the night our minds manufacture dreams through our fears, joys and sorrows. I dreamed one night that I had pulled up to a campsite bulletin board. You know the kind where people put their paperplate message on the board so you will know where to find them? Except I awoke, heart pounding, because I realized they were gone and I could not go where they were.

They went to the place of too much time gone by……Aren’t we all drifting there, even now?

I wonder? Is that part of what drives us to write? To stop time, freeze the moment. Never forget?

These days I find getting older brings a certain comfort. Comfort in knowing the truths I have believed for so long have been verified, proven true. Only years and experience teaches that. Not any school that I know of, except the school that God puts us through.

The more I read the Bible, the more it becomes alive. The more try to live it, the more I know it’s true. And when I clutch it to my chest I can actually feel it saving me. It is a book like no other, it is pulsating with life…..

Redemptive power of both the redeemed and the Redeemer.

And this is one song that has no end.

The song of the redeemed. Let Heaven and nature sing.