Hallelujah anyhow moments

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I guess it all started last Friday. A disappointing outcome from a phone conversation at work. Something that would have made things a little easier right now.

On the way home I made a side trip to the store. I decided to have a Hallelujah anyhow moment. A little celebration was in order. Because every day is worth celebrating, no matter the circumstance.

I remembered what that great communicator of love, Leo Buscaglia said once in one of his talks. One of his most precious memories growing up was when his Dad came home after he had told his Mom that he had lost his job. His wonderful Mama had whipped up a meal fit for a king, complete with linens on the tablecloth, and the best china at each place setting. They had a party that night. He says it was one of the best evenings they ever had as a family.

Sometimes you just have to say, Hallelujah anyhow.

The next morning I went out to pray. I was hot and sticky and tired of sweating. Miserable mosquito bites I had incurred the night before made it almost impossible to concentrate on praying. Though I was distracted, I noticed gray clouds overhead so I held out hope for maybe something to come out of the sky. I needed time with God. And as I sat there, with my cup of hot goodness, waking me up…..bringing me to life, I heard it. Little pitter patter drops.

My grumbling turned to joy. It occurred to me right then that the best possible thing I could do was go stand in it.

As I felt those silvery drops of Heaven cooling my skin I lifted my hands into the air like an old Native American warrior might have done after a ceremonial rain dance. My prayer became thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus.

I love those little surprises from God. So much of life is made up of those mourning to dancing moments.

Later, E and I were coming home from lunch and her car refused to shift to third. We were on the freeway, so with cars whizzing by, we pulled off and went the rest of the way home on the back streets. The transmission fluid didn’t seem low, but she put some in anyway and it actually shifted grudgingly the rest of the way home. It’s been a faithful car but there comes a time when it is no longer economical to keep fixing it. May be time for a new one for her.

Hallelujah anyhow.

Then yesterday morning I went to turn the faucet on in the kitchen at 6:00 AM and found that I had no water. I went out back and saw a river of water gushing out from under the water heater. The whole yard was flooded and the floor under the office was soggy. Thankfully the leak could be seen.

Thank you Jesus.

There we were, lined up at the door of Home Depot with the rest of the folks dealing with one home crisis or another at 6:58. Something like that tends to mess with your peace. I was praying all right, but not the kind I usually do at that time of the morning.

Leak is fixed! Thank you E, my resourceful and talented friend. There is an oh so tiny trickle that will eventually stop. We hope.

After church we headed to Subway and as we coasted into the parking lot, my driver’s side blinker went “kafluey” for lack of a better term. It went out.

There are times when you know better than to ask the Lord, “What next?”

There are times when you feel like the kid in this picture, taking one step forward and three steps back.

Did I mention that Elaine came down with her first cough of the year? And she only started school three weeks ago. On Sunday she had no voice.

Some days it seems like the curses outweigh the blessings. And though we know that it’s not reality, there are times when it feels like it. It’s easy to get our view distorted when things are happening, like life-sized dominoes intent on your destruction. It’s easy to get crushed under the weight of ordinary everyday life.

You want to say, “Don’t you see how hard I am working, Lord?”

But things like this, while frustrating, are fixable.

No one died. No one is sick unto death. We have jobs, we have a roof. And God will provide like He always has in the past. He has never failed and He never will.

So today. I am standing on the promises that I read in my devotional today.

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will put their trust in you, for you, Lord have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9,10

And…….

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5,6

All the circumstances we go through in life will pass, but the Lord remains steadfast and immovable. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken………Hallelujah!

Anyhow. No matter what. In every circumstance. Because He is worthy.

photo credit: Bart Hanlon, some rights reserved, creative commons flickr.

Photo/and or photographer has no affiliation or relationship with this website or the contents therein.  

Even as we are one

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I remember a time.

before all the crap, all the baggage, all the pain that gets between us all……..

when we just held hands and felt nothing but God.

With lifted hands and eyes full of joy we sang choruses, I remember.

How we loved Him.

And oh how happy we were because we ran smack dab into Heaven and,

for just a moment, we knew what You meant

when You said that You wanted us to be one as You and Your Father were.

Why can’t we do it again?

Why can’t we do it now?

Let’s do it today.

My prayer that we could open our eyes and see, really see each other.

Not just mutter adlib an answer as we walk away

Forgive me when I give your precious words of diamonds and gold

no more than a cursory glance.

Let me not admire them inattentively then cast them aside

like just another pretty stone.

Let me hold your face in my hands and look into your soul

And really see where you have been.

Let me always see Jesus in your eyes.

Then……

Let us grab hands and travel this path together.

Both of us together……

All of us together. Side by side.

Toward Heaven.

I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me. “I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.  John 17: 20-22

I believe that with everything going on in this world, that we need church unity more than ever before.

Let us hold each other close.

photo credit: creative commons some rights reserved: damselfly58

When the Son sets in our hearts

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“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.” James 4:1,2

“The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it? “I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds.” Jeremiah 17:9,10

For the first time this morning I was able to pray minus the sound of gunfire from the dove hunters out in the desert. It has disrupted my morning peace for two days now. My brother and I were both complaining about it on opening day which was September first. He’d gone out to his driveway with his mug of coffee as he usually does when he is home and was looking forward to listening to his doves cooing from the trees in his yard. Now he is worried about the wild turkeys they have all enjoyed watching come through in the evenings.

We both decided we would put out some wild feed to keep a few close.

The staccato sound of the guns made me think of what is going on half a world away, in Syria. They say around 2 million Syrian people are now refugees and around half of these are women and children. Unrest is the state of the world today.

All my life, I have sat in church hearing of a time when there will be “wars and rumors of wars.” It was just a Bible verse and a time somewhere in the future, but real war was never anything that touched me. It was never something that surprised me or factored into my life in any way at all. It was just a part of what I heard in church or on TV.

But how many people around the world today must live, pray and sleep to the sound of gunfire and shelling? Living and breathing with fear and the possible loss of their own life or the life of their children. Knowing that any moment, they will lose what little shelter they have, grabbing what little they own and heading across the border to somewhere else.

Our world is getting crazier every day. There is no doubt we are in the last days, but who knows how long these last days will stretch out?

There is only one thing that will ever stop war for good and the truth is, not one of us is willing to do what it takes to stop it. Until we each settle the war in our own hearts, war will never end. The war in our hearts will only end when we invite Jesus in.

And I am not talking about lip service but life change. There is a tired, old argument that people use over and over. In fact, I heard it again on the radio just Sunday morning. A talk show host said: “I hate religion because more wars have been caused by religion than anything else.” And while I can understand why they make that claim, it’s still as wrong as wrong can be.

Guns don’t kill people and religion doesn’t cause wars. All wars start as a result of the evil in the confines of the human heart, and just because something is done in God’s name, doesn’t mean God is in favor of it.

When someone is truly transformed by the love of Christ, it will show by how eager they are to strive for peace, not war.

I am talking about a relationship here, not a religion. That’s what makes Christianity different from any other on the face of the earth. And when He comes in and makes a home in our hearts, peace reigns. Note that I didn’t say perfection, I said peace.

War is caused by the selfish desire to get what we want when we want it. Nothing more. And when power and money are added in to the mix it just gets bigger because more is at stake. Sometimes war is unavoidable. When the end result means peace for the world, then I believe it is just.

Universally though, the hope of this world, more than ever, is Jesus. Jesus, only and ever Jesus.

You might wonder why then, does Jesus say this?

Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.

In light of all the talk about peace, it doesn’t seem to make any sense, until you understand that while a relationship with Jesus most certainly brings peace to the individual heart and life, it doesn’t necessarily bring peace to the world. That’s because of one simple aspect of human nature.

We still want our way, not His way. When Jesus said that, it was with perfect understanding that He knows what we are made of.

When Jesus was born, King Herod was so threatened by the rumor of a new King, he had all Jewish babies living in Egypt two years and under slaughtered. And right before He was crucified, the religious leaders of the day were so threatened by Jesus popularity with the people, and by their loss of power, security and position, they had to put together a mock trial complete with false testimony in order to sentence Him to death.

And yet, He reaches for us still.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. John 3:16-19

I pray for our world today. I pray it finds Jesus. You might think that it looks pretty bleak and that there is really nothing we can do as an individual. But there is always something we can do. We can all shine the light of truth and love brightly, each in our own corner.

Right where we are. And pray.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16

Time to get small

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It’s almost the weekend.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Some weekends feel like finally setting your foot safely on the shore after swaying, teetering and flailing your way across a rushing river, stepping stone by stepping stone. I am always the one who tends to get distracted by the thought of falling in……losing my balance. Or by thinking about how cold the water is and how fast it’s flying by. Painting all the worst scenarios. I forget how Big God is.

And get overwhelmed with how small I am.

I am a slow learner, but He is patiently teaching me how to take stone by stone, day by day.

He nods and smiles and sometimes shakes His head from the shore. Sometimes He cries with me. And when I, like Peter, forget who He is, He reminds me by reaching an arm out and steadying me on my feet.

Today is the last day of my workweek. It’s the day that ushers in my weekend. I feel the stress receding like the tide, and I’m catching my breath. It’s time for slowing down and getting small enough to let the peace and joy seep back in.

To gaze at the world with eyes of wonder again.

Sometimes, getting small is a very good thing.

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My favorite way of getting small is by going outside and staring up at the sky. When I realize how small I am, it focuses my mind on how big God is. Even the simplest thing such as gazing at the way moss clings to a rock has a way of shrinking my own problems, the ones I think I have anyway, down to size.

When I get small enough, and still enough, I can feel how close He is.

That’s when I can finally let my imagination come out and play. That’s when the magic happens and I begin to wonder things.

Things like how birds can stay on the bough slumbering all night without falling off.  Just once I’d like to be there with them in that deep green of twilight, right after the last bird sings. In that silence when evening falls and night noises rise and the call of the cricket and bullfrog bring it to life.

I wonder how it would be to ride on God’s shoulders during a thunderstorm while He walks among the clouds.

And when it rains like it did last night I will do like I did when I was very small and press my face to the glass and imagine a world parallel to this one where everyone shines, and everyone wears diamonds.

Get small with me?

Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth. You have set your glory in the heavens. Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? Psalm 8:1-4

 

Love your neighbor but cut yourself some slack too!

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Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31

“Hey you, there.

Gripping the steering wheel on the way to work, I see you. You with the heavy sack on your shoulders. You, trying so hard to love your neighbor that you forget to cut yourself any slack at all. I see you.

I see all the worries you try so hard to press down. I see how valiantly you get up and go out the door while I have yet to touch the sky with My dawn’s light. I see how you pray on the way to work, trying to beat back the panic attacks that come like flocks of black crows beating their wings in your heart.

I know how you worry about everyone, both the ones near, and the ones far away. I know that each day you fear a phone call. One that tells you they are in the hospital or they fell, or worse. You feel like if you could corral everyone in one place, you could control circumstances…..keep them safe.

I see how you place them in my care and take them back again.

I see how you coast to a stop in the parking lot as you draw a breath and heave that bag and juggle that traveler’s mug full of courage.

Drink from My cup of peace.

My child, in your haste to do right by everyone else, don’t forget yourself.

Sometimes we try so hard to love our neighbor that we forget all about ourselves.

photo source: creative commons, some rights reserved by remittancegirl, on flickr

The One Thing

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One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27:4,5

I tossed and turned last night. Even my dreams seemed disjointed, unfinished. I always think of the Psalms when I feel turbulent like that. I find comfort in the fact that the writers must have felt just like us, more often than not. Something was causing a wrinkle in my peace. It was just one thing overriding all the others. Isn’t that how it is so many times.

You think, “If it weren’t for that co-worker.”

“If it weren’t for the problems with my son……my daughter…….my Mom…….my Dad.”

“If it weren’t for this addiction.”

You think if you could just get over that one hill that’s standing in your way of perfect peace and happiness then it would all be okay. But I am here to assure you, that as soon as that one thing is gone, another will crop up. The good news is that God can handle that one thing, right now today.

He might not remove it, but He can give you perfect peace about it. I know that, because I just prayed about my one thing this morning and He did what He promised, He removed it from front and center and put it in its rightful place, somewhere in the back of my mind. I can’t speak for later. I may have to pray that prayer all over again and it’s okay. I can do that.

Mind you, I didn’t pray for Him to remove it, I just prayed that I could find my peace in the midst of it. And I prayed for peace in it, just for today because that is all He has promised. He knows my mind, how it tends to skip ahead to the next days troubles and the next.

But like the manna in the desert, He promises enough for today and that’s all I ask.

This morning, I want to make my one thing the same as David’s. He was beset by trouble from every side and yet he knew the value of keeping his gaze fixed on the Lord. He knew God was His only real hope. He knew that gazing on Him wouldn’t make His troubles dissolve, but he know if he filled his mind with a beautiful vision of the future that he could stand strong today.

I pray that’s your desire today. Put that one thing, whatever it may be, squarely in the Lord’s hands.

He won’t disappoint you.

See Me

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A letter to our youth obsessed culture:

See me not as a “Senior” but as a person.

Don’t cast me aside as if I no longer have any value. Don’t look at me as having passed my expiration date. People don’t have those. There is life, and there is death, and while I have breath, I still have life. I still have opinions. I stll have feelings. 

If you are a health care worker and you are looking after me? When I tell you I have to use the bathroom, don’t tell me when you can get to it. Can you imagine just for a moment how you would feel if you had to ask another person to help you do that? One of our most basic of human functions? Think of me the next time you are rushing to the bathroom when you think you can’t hold it anymore. I have been through a lot in my life, and I don’t deserve that.

Don’t see just my wrinkled skin, watery eyes, see the value of all my years added up.

There is much I can still teach you. Much you still have to learn.

I know it makes you uncomfortable to see me because I am a reminder that you too will be here someday. You will see the rights you once had slowly dwindling away and your friends and loved ones die one by one. You will remember your youth and how you felt, who you loved and how they loved you.

You will remember smooth glowing skin and strong legs that never got tired.

See me. See me with your heart and you will see the value of my soul which is priceless to God.

See that all of us equal here.

Because I have laced my days together with Gratitude, with a big “G” I can be at peace even here. I may look alone to you, but I’m not. I have the best company you can imagine because He dwells with me. Here.

Here in my sunny chair, in my little room, I take comfort in the God who saw me in my Mother’s womb. He sees me the way I was then, a newly born soul.

Soon, very soon I will be born once more and this time forever.

See me.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 139:13-18

photo: flickr by Nutch Bicer, some rights reserved

To the Atheist Pinner

Confession

I awoke this morning with a prayer on my lips. Not so much a prayer than a bunch of whispers strung together in the dark. It all started yesterday with the story about the man who was taking a morning jog in the town where his girlfriend lived. Three teenage youths were sitting on a porch and one of them said, “Hey there’s our target.” And then pulled out a gun and shot Christopher Lane in the back. All because, “They were bored.”

This kind of thing is happening more and more. All these events prompt us to ask just what kind of world are we living in? What makes three teenaged youths feel like life is so bleak that they have to manufacture a murder for excitement? What brought them to such hopelessness? I see it in their eyes in the mug shots. It is so easy to hate them, their insolence. But I want to know what got them there?

There were other questions that I spoke into the half-light this morning as well. Questions like why is my own church closing down to put in new carpet and a coffee shop when I know for a fact that children are going to school hungry a few short miles away. I am having a hard time reconciling that. I am still praying about that one.

Another thought came through…….and this one was loud and clear. What am I doing with my days? How will they measure up when I am standing before God and He asks why I didn’t give a reason for the hope within me?

Then on Pinterest I ran across a pin that said “Pinned to Atheism” below it, and I had to follow the thread. Nothing I saw surprised me much, and saddened me more than anything. There was one comparing prayer to something I can’t even name here, with a picture. And there were all the references to our Old Testament God who is portrayed as a cruel old man in the sky who takes pleasure in striking people dead.

If I could talk with you, this is what I would tell you. I can identify with some of what you posted, I really can. That is, I could if I didn’t know God the way I do. And honestly, sometimes I think if we had done a better job at loving in the church it would take the sting out of your hate.

But then again, Jesus loved perfectly and they killed Him for it.

And I understand your difficulty in seeing how a loving God could ask Abraham to kill his only son. If I didn’t know the context and the whole story, and if I hadn’t personally experienced the depth and breadth and love of God for myself.

You see, Abraham had a faith and grasp of the love of God that we can scarcely understand. And Abraham had a promise in his pocket. A promise that he would be the father of a great nation. He knew that could never happen if Issac died. He also knew that God loved Issac even more than Abraham did. He trusted God with what he loved most in the world.

And God will never ask anyone to love more than He already has.

You ask, “What kind of God would do that?”

The kind of God who would love so much He would lose what He loved most to get back a people who were willfully turned against Him.

The kind of God who didn’t hesitate to volunteer Himself up for a terrible death for a people who for the most part were uncaring and disinterested.

I wish you knew Him. I wish the church did a better job at loving so you wouldn’t have so many easy targets. I did notice that none of your boards targeted Jesus. It is tough to find fault with someone who spent their entire time on earth going about doing good. If we all did a better job at following His example, I have a feeling it would diffuse some of the anger I saw on your boards.

I did notice that one of them said something like, “I don’t need a God to tell me right from wrong, I have a conscience.”

But where did that come from? Why do we instinctively know that some things are just plain wrong and nobody argues about it. We know things like murder and stealing are wrong. C.S Lewis did a masterful job at explaining that one.

As I rounded the corner on my morning walk, I saw the fingers of light come down out of the sky and I thought about the source of that light as the strains of “You Never Let Go” came through my iPod. I felt something that I feel every single day when I see that and I never ever take it for granted. The thought dropped in like a pin: “We love because He first loved us.”

I can’t imagine not knowing the source of that light. I can’t imagine how hopeless it would be to believe in nothing bigger than your own thoughts, nothing bigger than yourself and what your eyes can see around you.

I want so much for you to know my God. And if you were here I would tell you about all the things I have seen and heard and felt that cannot be explained any other way but Supernaturally. I would tell you of lives changed in the twinkling of an eye. I would tell you of the healing I received and how I will never forget it, and I would tell you how He came to me one cold and foggy December day and touched me with a love that I can never quite put into words.

I would tell you of the breadth, length, height and depth of God’s love. A love I know to be real.

And how He loves you so, even if you don’t believe in Him.

Like Peas and Carrots

Elaine and Me

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend…….Proverbs 27:17 NLT

My best friend will never brag about herself. In fact, you have to dig deep to find out all the different things she has done in her life. I have written about them all before, but today I just want to give her a shout out because she inspires me so.

I like to describe her faith as living and active. She doesn’t lock herself in her room in pray, she prays on her feet, running to the next task. You hardly ever see her sitting down.

She has a built in radar for people in need. In fact, they seem to gravitate toward her. Yesterday, as usual, I was adrift in my own thoughts as we all filed out of church when I almost stumbled over Elaine bending down to talk to the woman sitting next to her who still hadn’t gotten up. The closing music was loud, and she had to bend get right in the woman’s ear to hear what she was saying.

It turns out the woman had injured herself and was in pain. Through tears she thanked her and assured her she was okay. We watched from the back as she got up and walked toward the front of the church to greet someone.

I can’t tell you how many times this kind of thing has happened when we’ve been together. In grocery store parking lots, she won’t leave if she sees an elderly person who looks lost.

She has paid for the person behind her at Sonic more times than I can count and has slipped twenty dollars bills to people in need, also more times than I can count.

She asks me Bible questions because tells me jokingly, “I don’t have to read it, I have you.” But she reads it, I know she does. Because she lives it. She walks the Jesus walk. She sees the broken, the lonely, the down and out because she has been there herself. She has no illusions about how much she needs a Savior.

Her Bible hero is John the Baptist and her favorite song is “Take up your Cross” by the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir and I have watched her live that song over the years.

Yesterday at the Care Home she noticed that her Mom’s room hadn’t been swept since last time. Instead of making a scene, she just quietly went over to where the broom and dust pan were kept and did it herself in full sight of the aides. She made her point and the room got swept.

She has been known to break out into a dance in store aisles. She always says, “Sometimes you just gotta give it a little dance.”

One of the things I most admire about her character is that I truly think it would cause her physical pain to tell a lie. And even if she did, it would show on her face, like the character Jim Carrey played in “Liar, Liar” her eyes reveal everything. She could never play poker.

She reflects the joy of the Lord and it is a privilege to go anywhere with her because I love to see how she interacts with strangers. She is quick to laugh and is fond of saying to me, “I am your entertainment” which is true because she’s a natural comic who loves to joke around. She truly loves to see people smile, and I think everyone she works with will attest to that.

I don’t think we ever spend time together without laughing. We laugh at things other people might just skip right over and invariably we see it at the same time. The other day we watched a commercial and perfectly in sync, belted out the same song. It was totally unrelated to the commercial except that it said something about flowers.

I think we compliment each other like peas and carrots.

One of my favorite memories is a vacation we took in Monterey. I had told her I was getting the Abalone no matter how much it cost. I had waited for years to go back to this restaurant just to get it. Anytime the menu says, “Market Value” you need to be careful. And it did. When it came it was nothing like I remembered, also much more expensive than I remember.

On my plate were three scrawny shells. I think they were baby Abalone. It was delicious, but nowhere near worth the price. I told her I was going to at least keep the shells so I wiped them off, wrapped them in a napkin and stuck them in my purse. Oh, did she get a kick out of that. She said, “I can’t wait to see the waiter’s face when he comes back. I am going to tell him you ate the shells too.” She didn’t.

She loves telling that story.

Our relationship is such a blessing in my life and I thank God for her every day.

It is altogether rare to have a friendship like we have and I know it. To me it is a beautiful illustration of how we are all different and unique as believers and yet when we all join together the pattern we make is like one big beautiful quilt, God’s crazy quilt.

It will be quite a finished product when He’s all done.

Kingdom Work is whatever we do

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“Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ.” Colossians 3:23

I make my way down the stairs, heavy bag slipping off my shoulders and cast myself into the sea of voices. I dodge bleary eyed people like myself intent on one of two things, coffee or food. The great migration of mammals to those canisters filled with magic to wake the senses, spark the brain to life.

I pause by the fruit bins, the fresh offerings they give us to entice us to eat better, to be healthier so we can feel better so we can work harder. I pause, my phone at the ready, wanting to capture it all, this teeming life that flows down around my ears right now.

I hear the opening strains of Billy Joel’s “River of Dreams” and for just one moment, with the backdrop of voices and back slapping and greeting, I feel like life is pulsating around me. And though it’s so close, I feel I am standing on the shore. Not quite in. Not quite out. What would it feel like to feel fully in? Here.

All in like poker.

I wander, looking at angles, how I would photograph the fruit bins, the sign hand scrawled suggestions. The cafe workers, everyone else. This wondering and wandering is part of what makes me, me. All I want is to go back to my station and write……..of this life.

I make my way to the coffee and wonder why it is that donuts always look so much better than fruit. I window shop and watch plates sailing by. Breakfast burritos, pastries, plate piled high with eggs, bacon and English muffins. I take nothing, remembering the banana I brought and the cottage cheese waiting in the sack I so hastily threw together this morning.

Still, I watch, I observe. I wonder.

How it would feel to be fully engaged? Here. 

If I were here to take pictures, or talk about writing or my faith how easy it would be. Oh, I am engaged. I am here, I am early, I am ready to work. People on the other end of the phone tell me they am glad I am here. I sense their confidence in me………Still.

To be fully engaged is: eyes wide open, pulse quickening, fully focused, doing the thing God created you to do engaged.

For 18 years I have been less than fully engaged and that makes me wonder who or what I have robbed.

When I was back home I said, “I wonder what kind of world it would be if everyone loved their jobs?” My Dad said, “I wonder how it would be if people just wanted to work?” Maybe he’s right. People didn’t think about liking their jobs in his day. They just got up and went to work no matter what, to support their families.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe I think too much. Maybe we all do.

And yet, at this job at which I am less than fully engaged, there are people God has wanted me to impact, and people God wanted to impact me. Lives colliding not by accident but by Divine Appointment. He has held me here for a purpose, that I know. And this job has stretched me in ways nothing else could.

It has thrown me out of my comfort zone over and over again, so that I had no choice but to depend on Him.

And in these 18 years of twelve hour days I have carved out a livelihood, a gift God has set before me. And in those 12 hours of each day I get two hours to do what I want. Who else has that?

And somewhere, sometime, God will show me what my real job was here. And it will have nothing to do with building computer chips. It will have everything to do with contributing to people and building a kingdom.

His.