Of a Saturday…….

I left the parking lot at work this past Saturday, needing to return two books from the library, that is, the right library. I threw the wrong one in my local library bin and had to have them fetch it back. That’s what comes from being a card holder at two public libraries.

After I did that, I felt the need for a little drive. Sometimes I do this on my hour break, because when you work on Saturdays sometimes it feels like everyone else on earth is off enjoying life except for you. Sometimes you want a piece of leisure, even if it’s only a little slice borrowed from someone else.

I rolled the windows down and the sun poured in with a light breeze along with it. In order to do proper observation, you really need sights and sounds both. I drove along in my sunny yellow bug and I drank in what I saw.

I saw people enjoying time off and in watching them, part of the blessing fell on me. With the sun on my face, I saw one man rollerblading down the street, and then another walking his dog.

I drove past the little house that has all the goats, and saw them all gathered close by the fence around a woman who might have been feeding them. Several had babies and I wanted to go talk to her and pet the goats but I couldn’t make a u turn from there so I drove on.

I drove around the back of the school and saw instructors giving tennis lessons at the school courts, a big group was practicing their swings and serves, slicing the air with their racquets.

Another large group had a basketball game going. They moved like a school of fish, back and forth across the courts…..punctuated with shouts and the tap of the ball on the concrete.

It was good, watching them all. I felt just a trace of what God must feel watching us all, the people he created. As a detached observer, it was easy to feel the love He has for all of us all a little bit more. I felt the weight of the truth, that we really are just one big earthly family. Dysfunctional as all get out, but here.

Striving, trying, hoping, wishing…..living life and taking time out when we can; savoring those moments of time carved out from work, responsibility.

We lift the lid to that time capsule just for a moment and breathe deep…….we remember how it felt to live like a child with nothing but the here and now.

For a moment, we forget all the grown up junk that is weighing us down.

And it feels good.

And yet, because we are human, we look ahead to where yesterday lives and tomorrow lurks, worried and pressed down and shaken together about things that happened in the past or may happen in the future.

As I head back into the building, I hear a bird call and it was so sweet that it made me want to cry. I remembered a time when the pool of grief was so deep that I couldn’t believe the birds had the nerve to sing, and yet somewhere I was grateful they were. So now when I hear birds I am reminded of all God brought me through. Birds and I have a special bond because now I hear them as the miracles they are. God makes both of us sing.

He has taught me the most important lesson of all, that no matter what goes on in this life, JOY is mine forever because of Him.

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3: 14-19

The Big Green Monster

It struck without warning, and I wasn’t prepared. I was minding my own business, things were going well, in fact I had just had a several pieces of encouraging news the day before. I was cruising…..bouyant even. So when it reared up out of the depths like a big green sea monster, I was blindsided.

It was amazing at how fast and with what lethal force it struck, like a rattlesnake with no rattle of warning at all. It was the big green monster of JEALOUSY.

I thought of the sea monster that used to come up out of the water at the Santa Cruz beach boardwalk when I was a kid. I was terrified of that thing. The little train tracks ran around the outside of the little fake lagoon from whence that monster reared up.

I always hoped and prayed I would be in the cave part of the ride when it came up.

Right before he came up out of the water, it would bubble and the speakers would crackle and make a terrible noise, that was right before it raised it’s head, snorting water dripping from its flarel nostrils. And then after the curved neck was fully raised?

It would turn and cast it’s awful eyes on me! It was terrible and horrible and yet I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

Like that big green sea monster, envy and jealousy will kill our joy faster than anything. It distorts, it twists, and then after you have finished turning the knife toward that other person, you turn it inwards and start inflicting injury on yourself.

Nobody wants to be around a jealous or envious person. Jealousy and its close cousin envy blocks the Spirit much like a solar eclipse blocks out the sun. When life is colored by what we feel we don’t have, we tend to lose our gratitude for what we do have.

When we start recounting our gifts again, that other thing becomes small and once again we can put our focus on everything God has given us.

Basically, we give Him back His rightful place on the Throne.

I bow my head as I shuffle backwards…….sheepishly I hand Him back the Scepter which I greedily snatched away. Sorry, Lord. I have an idea where this came from and it wasn’t You.

I place it at the cross and once again my heart fills clean with Gratitude because of how He made me, all that He’s given me. Because how He made me is pretty special.

I am a diamond on His endless shore, and yet He would be able to pick me, (and you) out of that glittering pile in a minute. He cradles me in His hand, turns me this way and that.

He admires the shine that I am just beginning to take on.

Oh how He loves me.

And you.

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 1 Peter 2:1

The Decision

We were pulling into Home Depot, taking back some citronella oil to exchange it for some plug adapters for the Christmas lights we were putting up. We were talking about “the Decision” yet again, the one that would place her Mom into a care facility. It was a black cloud looming over the day.

She said, “Living has become a chore, I am so exhausted all the time and my joy is gone.”

I said, “The exhausting part is that you are continually having this debate with yourself about how much is too much and if you have reached your limit yet.” It’s like the continual drip of a Chinese water torture. One day is terrible and then the next is not too bad so you go on.

The debate is endless, like fishing for the right answer but it doesn’t come because your emotions are so tied up in it. The right answer might be staring you right in the face but you’d more than likely talk yourself out of it.

One day you say you have had enough, and you really have. The next day is not too bad so you go on. But the wearing down of your body, mind and soul takes its toll.

And when you’re a Christian, while you thank God you have Him because you surely couldn’t do it without Him, you also wonder what He expects. You want to do the right thing and you forget that God isn’t up there waiting for you to say “Uncle” but sometimes it feels like it.

The way it should happen is this: One definitive thing happens to topple the pile of rocks that are stacked so precariously. The pile comes toppling down and then you know that it’s time. Unfortunately, many times this is not the case. Instead, you try to figure out what the right time is.

”I remember,” she says with worry-filled eyes, “when I said that it would be easier to wait until she didn’t quite know where she was, when her mind wasn’t so clear.” I sighed and said, “But it’s not is it?” She said, “It’s like sending a kid out there into the world of strangers.”

But the call was made because it is time to set wheels in motion for placement. And it continues to be very, very hard.

Ultimately, no one can tell you when that time is right except for you. When you know in your heart of hearts that you did all you could do, and you know that God knows too. Like she always tells me, “You have to do what you can live with after they are gone.”

That is when you take that peace and hold it close, and know that you can fall safely back into God’s love because after all:

He’s been holding you all along.

Read one of my earler posts on this topic on Bibledude here, or click on Alzheimer’s category on this blog to see others.

A face only a mother could love

How many times have we heard that? Those who know me, know I am a Seinfeld fanatic. I am thinking of the ugly baby episode. No baby is ugly right? Some are cuter than others, but each one is beautiful in their individuality. And yet, there are those times when we don’t see quite what we are prepared to see. When Elaine and Jerry peered into the crib, they had an expectation that they would see an adorable baby, but words failed them and all we see are their faces. They were awkwardly fishing for adjectives as the mother waited expectantly. The whole rest of the show was built around that, among other things. It was hilarious.

One day around 10 years ago my Mom and I went shopping at Big Lots before Christmas. I came around the corner and saw this cat and laughed uproariously until I was doubled over. She came over and did the same thing. I knew she had to come home with us. Every year since, when she makes it out for Christmas, she has elicited the same reaction to many of Mom’s crazy friends. I dubbed her “Marty” after the famous comedian Marty Feldman. Do a google search on his name and you will know why. He was an English comedian and comedy writer very well-known in many Mel Brooks movies back in the 70s.

My whole point is that I have fallen in love with her because of a shared memory my Mom and I have of her together. And, yes…..it is a face only a mother could love. I don’t know how she ever passed inspection in China or Korea or wherever she came from, but I am very glad she didn’t.

When approached Jesus, I didn’t pass inspection either. I had baggage and plenty of it, still do. But He took me in and loved me anyway, and He hasn’t stopped since. I could never pass God’s inspection, but Jesus did. When God accepted me into His family, He didn’t check to see if I was perfect. And He doesn’t expect me to be perfect now. He doesn’t care if my eyes are crooked, or my skin is unmarred, or that am tall enough or pretty enough, or smart enough, or religious enough.

When I came to Him that first time, He saw that my heart was humble enough to know I could never save myself, but that I desperately needed saving. My heart had the hope and expectation that He would love me, and He did. God loves me and God loves you with a relentless kind of love. A no matter what kind of love. One we can scarcely understand.

As I settled by the Christmas tree this morning for the last time, my cat Sydney came and leapt on my lap with a full expectation of being loved. And he was not disappointed. That is how I need to remember to come to God. I wrapped my arms around him as he purred into my face and settled down, safe and secure in my love. Just like God wants me to do with Him.

He never disappoints me. He always accepts me just as I am.

Once more wrapped in His love and protection, I can think of no better way to start the New Year.

The veil has holes

Last night was a very strange night. I cried almost all the way home and didn’t know why. I had a sense of foreboding I couldn’t shake. This school shooting has weighed heavy on my soul. Just too much heartache there for one incident. Too much sorrow for one town to carry. So I thought it was maybe that.

Then I thought about Elaine’s folks. I remembered the times when they were healthier and they would go to church with us. I still remember the day we almost dropped our teeth when her Dad unfolded his wallet and put money in the plate. We have both heard them say many times that “churches are only after your money.” Her Mom was even talking Baptism.

I asked God how it is that somebody can get so close to seeing a better way of life and turning away. To stepping all the way up to the river of life and then turning back around….leaving thirsty.

Then I remembered how many times I had done just that.

When I came through the door Elaine was teary-eyed as well. “I think Mom’s having a heart attack…..what should I do?” She has been through this with her Mom already years ago. And she knew what to do, she just needed someone else to help her carry the load.

“Nothing,” I said….we do nothing because that’s what she said she wanted.

Her Mom’s own words were: “I don’t want to be cut on anymore.” And I can see why. She has been through cancer twice, including a mastectomy, chemo and radiation, 2 heart attacks, and a triple bypass. As a nurse, she diagnosed herself with Alzheimer’s around 10 years ago.

She is done with treatments. And hospitals.

But when you are the one standing there with life and death hanging in the balance, it’s not that easy. Our first instinct is always to do something. But sometimes the right choice is to let nature and God choose. Giving someone what they have chosen is the hardest thing to do because it’s right.

The reason Elaine knew that there was really something wrong was because her Mom didn’t fight her on anything getting ready for bed, and lately that has been the norm.

She went on to tell me that both cats acted strangely all evening. As if they knew something was wrong. Briggs wouldn’t let her Mom alone, he kept following her to her room and jumping on the bed. She finally had to close the door.

So we watched TV and prayed. Elaine had asked her Mom if when the time came, that she would ask God to take her soul. Her Mom said yes. There was no need for a big theological discussion. She knows where salvation comes from, she was raised on it.

And all the while, I remembered how last Christmas was spent in the hospital with her Mom, alone…and I vowed it would never happen again.

Today when I called at lunch she said they were at Subway and her Mom was eating and felt okay, with no recollection of ever feeling bad.

And today, I am feeling how just thin that veil between life and death can be. Any one of us could be instantly on the other side, and not necessarily who you might expect.

When heavy hearts give thanks

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus……1 Thessalonians 5:18

I have misheard and misunderstood this Scripture and caused myself much grief, packing a load on myself I was never meant to carry. I have had to remind myself that it doesn’t say to be thankful FOR for circumstance, but IN the circumstance. So today, I offer up thanks to a God who is worthy of all my gratitude, all the time.

Thank you Lord that even when our hearts are hurting, the fountain of thankfulness still somehow keeps bubbling to the surface. I woke up at around 2:30 and the first thing that popped into my mind was the line to the song that says:

Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm…….

Thank you for the twinkling lights outside my window for they remind me of what and who I am celebrating, and for the love of a friend who put them up when I know that all she wanted to do was put this Christmas on fast forward…..not the reason of it, for that she clings to, but all the stuff that goes along with it.

In her loss this season she still thinks of how she can make others happy, so she put the timer on so that I would see them when I left for work. That kind of heart is what makes the Lord happy.

That kind of gratitude when it isn’t easy is like shaking our fist in Satan’s face.

Thank you Lord, for an Aunt who calls me even when she is going through her own kind of loss this year once again with her husband in a rest home….she misses her old life, but still she waves the flag of gratitude because she has her health and that she can see him each day.

And that most of the time, he is in a good mood.

Thank you Lord, for the classical station that actually came in this morning as I was driving to work. Those notes filled out a hollowed out place in my soul that I didn’t even realize was there until I heard it. It lifted me, made me better somehow. I believe that’s what good music should do.

And thank you that things at work are relatively calm right now. We are in between processes and winding down so I can have time to relax somewhat at my station and I really need that right now.

Especially now.

I feel fatigued today, Lord. I need those wings of eagles to lift me up…..in fact I can feel them now. I already feel better. And send a big eagle for Elaine. She needs one worse.

Your girl.

Of missed Messiahs and plans that don’t gel

The mouse hovered over rental car sites but as yet no reservation has been made for the Christmas trip. She hovered over an ad for the Messiah and I said, “Let’s go……..Friday night it’s at the Mesa Arts Center.” She said, “You can just meet me there after work.” It’s one of our favorite things to do around Christmas.

“But what about your Mom, would she be okay here after dark?”

“Probably not,” she said. And as 29 seconds were left on the timer, she unclicked the button that would have reserved our seats in the mezzanine, right on the end. We sighed again for one more thing we missed out on this year.

The truth is, sometimes Christmas is made up of “missed Messiah’s” and “plans not set.” But Christmas has a way of coming anyway. So we find joy in the little moments of the season. Sitting by the tree in the mornings, listening to Christmas music, ushers in peace before the clatter and commotion of the day. Watching the cats play around under it………Seeing angels and bells and stars take shape in the oven as the smell fills the house.

And one day after Christmas, all this rushing around will cease to matter. I was reminded yesterday what does matter. The cross is what matters.

We look to His birth and resurrection and while those are wonderful miraculous events, what really speaks to us is His suffering on the cross. We look at Jesus pain and can no longer ignore the fact that He sees our pain too.

It is only at the cross that we see the great magnitude and depth of His love for us. You can hardly ignore a naked, dying man on a cross. And as Louie Giglio said in his message yesterday, our own pain is the megaphone through which the world learns about Christ.

And while we celebrate His birth, the cross is what continues to speak the loudest. And when we compare our pain to His all of our arguments fall silent.

When we gaze at Jesus on the cross, we can no longer say that we have a God who is unwilling or un able to enter into our greatest pain.

He is and He does, every single day.

A voice cries:
“In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord;
    make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be lifted up,
    and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
    and the rough places a plain.
And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed,
    and all flesh shall see it together,
    for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

Isaiah 40:3-5

The Word that opens the door

This morning as usual, I was distracted during prayer time. This time of year, there are so many things vying for our attention, and yet this one thing I cannot let go. This being with God in the morning. I had gone out earlier and lit my little heater and my candle. The shop was toasty by the time I got back in. I settled with my steaming mug….and then I was thinking about all the things on my list.

The cooky dough that was thawing on the counter.

My blog, and the changes I want to make around the first of the year.

The cookies in the freezer I still need to frost.

The things I need to ship……the uncoming trip……yada yada yada.

So I did the thing I always do when I am trying to turn my attention back to the Lord who really really deserves it. I opened the Word. That is always the doorway that leads to Him. His words spill over the page, and they are not just words some men wrote, but words the Holy Spirit wrote through those men.

I thought how He uses us as conduit, to reach a world that is desperately in need of Him. And I thought of the journey I have been on thus far and how much the Lord has brought me through. And it always makes me cry, because His faithfulness to me is endless.

My eyes fell on Psalm 18 where I had left my marker:

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me. 16-19

I thought of all the times the Lord has rescued me from myself…….again and again.

And and I love verses 27-29:

You save the humble
    but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
    my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
    with my God I can scale a wall.

I thought of all the situations in my life where there was most certainly a wall. And there was no going around it. I had to get through it. And it was and is prayer that has got me through……every single time.

Selah. God has marked the start of my day, He has taken note of it, this time together we share.

Conviction in the Kitchen

My little place of prayer

We had a Thanksgiving dinner yesterday.

The one we would have had if I had not worked and she had not been gone. It was perfect, just the favorites, turkey, stuffing, dumplings and cranberries, not even anything green, which is almost impossible for me to do. We played Christmas music and sang in the kitchen while we were cooking and it was a good afternoon. There was only one mishap when we left for a few minutes, but it turned out okay. The timer went off earlier than we thought and it was buzzing when we came in the door and instead of turning the oven to off, Joyce had turned it to broil.

The foil “tent” saved us. And it hadn’t been on very long, luckily.

Elaine made Joyce’s plate first and got her seated, which is extremely necessary otherwise her Mom will stand in the middle of the kitchen not knowing how or where to start.

It was hovering in the air……the prayer I felt. You can’t very well have Thanksgiving without a prayer. So I snagged her as she fixed her plate and made her a party to my “on the fly” prayer. She bowed her head as I prayed, what else could she do? I said, “That’s okay, right? I wanted to avoid…….” Of course, she knew what I was trying to avoid. The prayer at the table.

Because to be honest right now? Praying at the table is hard because I have all these conflicting emotions. To be honest I want to gulp my glass of wine and start eating. Mealtimes have been stressful, not relaxing.

She looked up after my hasty Amen. She knew I was looking for justification. She said, “Do what you can live with in your heart.” And the words dropped like warm rain of grace onto my heart because she said them with such love. “Yes, it would be easier not to, and my Mom really doesn’t care one way or the other, but it’s for Him.”

And those words of conviction hit their mark like fiery darts. She and the Holy Spirit were working as a team and it really wasn’t fair. But she was right, and there was power behind her words; it’s how she has lived these very hard two years, really the whole of her life.

Because though her parents have never treated her right, she has been Jesus to them, again and again.

We got seated, and with a freshly washed cleansed and convicted heart, I said a prayer. And I felt it.

As I prayed this morning in my “Prayer Shed” I thanked God for friends who love enough to convict me and turn me around. Who don’t cut me any slack. And I know she is thankful for me for the exact same reasons.

Thanking the Lord for His endless patience with me today.

Thomas Merton, Psalm

The forms and individual characters of living and growing things, of inanimate beings, of animals and flowers and all nature, constitute their holiness in the sight of God. Their inscape is their sanctity. It is the imprint of His wisdom and His reality in them.

The special clumsy beauty of this particular colt on this day in this field under these clouds is a holiness consecrated to God by His own creative wisdom and it declares the glory of God. The pale flowers of the dogwood outside this window are saints.

The little yellow flowers that nobody notices on the edge of that road are saints looking up into the face of God. This leaf has its own texture and its own pattern of veins and its own holy shape, and the bass and trout hiding in the deep pools of the river are canonized by their beauty and their strength.

The great, gashed, half-naked mountain is another of God’s saints. There is no other like Him. He is alone in his own character; nothing else in the world ever did or ever will imitate God in quite the same way. That is his sanctity.

But what about you? What about me?

Thomas Merton, Psalm

New Seeds of Contemplation

Lori's Prayer Closet

"And when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you……"Matthew 6:6

Uncategorized