I squeezed my eyes shut against the morning. I would have given anything if I could have stayed there all day. The cats, almost sensing this, both came up and settled close. One on my pillow, one tucked into my side, chin resting on my arm. I heard stereo purrs. I groaned, got up and pushed the coffee button and burrowed back under the covers until it was ready.
Tears flowed freely again as I poured a cup. I turned the party lights on because I believe that despite how I feel, there is always something to celebrate. Then I cried about that.
I know what this is. It’s a returning occurance and that comforted me only a little as I furiously punched the down arrow that regulated the air conditioner. It was only 77 in the house. It wasn’t hot it was me. It’s too painful to actually write the whole word down so I will do a partial word, like the Hebrews do when they write G-d. Hereafter it will be referred to as M-n-pa-se. Or one I like better, a Harry Potterish term, “She who must not be named.” You see, I am much too young for this.
I sat in the soft glow of those lights and for some reason I thought of Jesus words when He grabbed Peter up, sputtering and clinging out of the water that he had only moments before been walking on. “Why did you doubt?” I feel like he must have said it softly, sadly. Not accusatory.
It all started going downhill yesterday when I couldn’t remember the code to the RV gate. My brain locked up. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to remember it on my own. It never came.
Then last night I froze at the keyboard trying to order a print from Costco. Then I started crying because of the picture of Sydney……and he……is…..getting……old and he will die and I don’t know how I will deal with that sweet cat dying. I scared Elaine.
And this morning I sat there in the glow of the lights descrambling my brain……what was that code? I ran through the numbers, 2030, 20103, 23103……Then thankfully, finally the right number dropped into the empty space. Thank you God, maybe I am not going insane after all.
I read the study that was just done, that they have proven that M-n-pa-se brain fog is real. I could have told them that.
And right then I realized I was dealing with pure and simple fear. If I can’t remember things, how can I be depended on? And if I can’t be depended on, what value am I? Then I thought of the other verse, that one that never fails to comfort me.
‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
Sometimes, picking up your cross consists of getting up and doing it all over again no matter how you feel.
I really don’t want to be insane. And giving up is not an option. When people are counting on you, the way you honor them is by getting up again; by placing your hope in the One who has brought you through time after time. And while most of us could think of plenty of reasons why going back to bed seems like the best option, most of the time we don’t.
As the door slides open and I scan my badge going in to work the thought comes: “If they knew the state of my mind right now they would never trust me to do this job.”
But I believe if God gives you a task, He will give you what you need to complete it. And this morning I am thankful despite how I feel, because I have a support system and some have nobody. And when I stop to think about it? All this speculation and rumination about how I feel is a luxury in itself.
Some people just want enough food and water, a chance for their children to live another day. Maybe helping some of them is the best way we can help ourselves.
A couple ways you can help: