Unwrapping Christmas

Each year at Christmastime we exchange things………..gifts. Excitement builds as we eagerly present them to those we love in anticipation of their joy in receiving what we have so carefully and thoughtfully chosen.

Just for them.

But I believe, the real unwrapping doesn’t end, until every last memory is opened and reopened once again.

Those that memory leaves behind are what we take out through the years and cherish. Long after each purchased gift is worn out. So today, in the quiet of year’s end. This is what I do. As these I hold dear take their own gifts out as we all hold them up to the Light.

A walk by the lake with my Dad. Enjoying the nature and the snap of morning’s cold. Talking about this flower another walker guided us to…….and the detail hidden within, and about the God who loves detail, even in a little flower. We never would have found it hidden along the fence from our path. We were turned away at the gate because the nature trail was closed that day. But we found nature anyway, because we were looking.

All these moments held in the grip of eternity. To be shared by each other, and the Lord. Each and every one I count as jewels……..and as we walked along, it looked like others wanted to do the same. A little table arrangement left behind for someone else to find…….we are all creators.

Just like our Father…..

This year, as I unwrap Christmas again.

Count some more memories with me won’t you? And then add your own…………

Last year the baby Jesus flickered and went out, and this year the whole scene went dark, so Mom and Dad let one of Lauryn’s spare dolls stand in for Jesus and put a spotlight on the whole scene. My Mom said it was more beautiful than ever.

Everyone I hold most dear together on Christmas Eve, that was my best gift.

Playing rounds of Candy Land with Lauryn and seeing her so excited to see me.

Elaine, Heather and Me at breakfast at Denny’s Christmas morning before we all went our separate ways for the week.

My brother and I baking in the kitchen for the first time ever.

Mom and I bunking together and giggling like teenagers before we went to sleep, then later hearing her whispered prayers when she couldn’t sleep. I heard her say, “Jesus” about 10 times.

The road trip from Arizona to California, where Elaine and I talked all the way and didn’t miss any turns.

And this one is bittersweet, Elaine’s Mom last road trip before she goes into a care home.

The last is what I will hold onto for the coming year…….Mom combining both of her Nativity’s together on the coffee table like one big happy family. And of those, one lamb had a broken leg and one had a missing ear, but they were both still standing. And like those sheep, we all come to Jesus with all of our baggage and missing limbs dragging behind.

We bring them to the stable, and He heals every wound, every heartache, wipes every tear.

Every Christmas brings its own unique challenges and this year was no exception, yet when we have Jesus, we have everything.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy and Hopeful New Year from my Prayercloset to yours!

How we can best honor the children

In church yesterday there was a Dad sitting a seat away from me. Right next to him was his little boy, around aged 8 I would guess. I couldn’t help but notice that when we stood to pray or sing, that Dad had his arm around his son……and not in a casual way, tightly…….like he didn’t want to let him go. In fact, everywhere I looked, I seemed to see people holding their kids a bit closer. The question keeps framing itself in my mind…….How can we best honor to these children too soon gone?

The parents will be going through a horrific memorial service today, and it will be unspeakably sad. But the truth is, they will need our support much more in the months and years to come. When all the shock has worn off. I know this. They will need the support of friends and family. They will need to talk about how wonderful their kids were…….even when it makes others uncomfortable. By letting them talk, letting them remember, we honor the special light that belonged to their child and their child alone.

And we need to keep going and never give up, for them. They would want us to keep standing up for what’s right, and to never stop fighting that battle. Being light in a dark work is the most important thing we can do for them, and for our own kids. We need to be the answer for them, and the answer always holds hope

Most of all, we need to keep enjoying life, as they were surely doing their last hours on this earth. The excitement of Christmas hung in the air at that school. I remember that feeling oh so well. I remember the Christmas concert we gave, and the big reindeer I got to decorate with red, green, and blue glitter when I was about their age. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I think my parents did too. My Mom didn’t even mind the glitter that fell off everywhere that thing went.

If their voices had not been silenced by evil, I could imagine them saying to us all……..”Don’t be sad.” Kids hate when people are sad. And they are very happy now.

They would say, “Let’s go outside and play.” And they would teach us to run and jump in puddles and remember how that felt. They would teach us how to love all over again. Yes, the best way we can honor them is to honor the kid still inside us and be a beacon of light in a world that can be very dark sometimes.

It was a good day yesterday……and it felt good to have a good day.

Sitting at Cost Plus sipping my tea, I glanced at my phone and saw that I had a new voice mail from my brother’s phone. It was my niece and a big goofy smile spread across my face right there and my heart melted when I heard: “Hi Lowwie, C’mon call me kay…..call me Dad’s phone, Daddy’s phone….thank you, bye.”

And I never ever want to erase it. I want to freeze her innocence forever. I also thought of the kids, whose innocence was taken and yet now is perfectly preserved in Heaven, where nothing but innocence and love live on.

I called her back and we had a conversation in which she told me about her “babies, and baby kitty and Mima…..” and how we are going to have a party when I get there.

And later, as we made Christmas bags for the kids on Elaine’s route, her kids she calls them, I thought of those kids again and how right it was to be doing that for them.

So today, I will carry on and treasure the kids in my life, and yours. I will have a good day and do kid things and continue to shine the light of love whenever I can and hold out the hope that we always have in Christ.

To honor them.

And to honor Him.

When heavy hearts give thanks

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus……1 Thessalonians 5:18

I have misheard and misunderstood this Scripture and caused myself much grief, packing a load on myself I was never meant to carry. I have had to remind myself that it doesn’t say to be thankful FOR for circumstance, but IN the circumstance. So today, I offer up thanks to a God who is worthy of all my gratitude, all the time.

Thank you Lord that even when our hearts are hurting, the fountain of thankfulness still somehow keeps bubbling to the surface. I woke up at around 2:30 and the first thing that popped into my mind was the line to the song that says:

Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm…….

Thank you for the twinkling lights outside my window for they remind me of what and who I am celebrating, and for the love of a friend who put them up when I know that all she wanted to do was put this Christmas on fast forward…..not the reason of it, for that she clings to, but all the stuff that goes along with it.

In her loss this season she still thinks of how she can make others happy, so she put the timer on so that I would see them when I left for work. That kind of heart is what makes the Lord happy.

That kind of gratitude when it isn’t easy is like shaking our fist in Satan’s face.

Thank you Lord, for an Aunt who calls me even when she is going through her own kind of loss this year once again with her husband in a rest home….she misses her old life, but still she waves the flag of gratitude because she has her health and that she can see him each day.

And that most of the time, he is in a good mood.

Thank you Lord, for the classical station that actually came in this morning as I was driving to work. Those notes filled out a hollowed out place in my soul that I didn’t even realize was there until I heard it. It lifted me, made me better somehow. I believe that’s what good music should do.

And thank you that things at work are relatively calm right now. We are in between processes and winding down so I can have time to relax somewhat at my station and I really need that right now.

Especially now.

I feel fatigued today, Lord. I need those wings of eagles to lift me up…..in fact I can feel them now. I already feel better. And send a big eagle for Elaine. She needs one worse.

Your girl.

The Word that opens the door

This morning as usual, I was distracted during prayer time. This time of year, there are so many things vying for our attention, and yet this one thing I cannot let go. This being with God in the morning. I had gone out earlier and lit my little heater and my candle. The shop was toasty by the time I got back in. I settled with my steaming mug….and then I was thinking about all the things on my list.

The cooky dough that was thawing on the counter.

My blog, and the changes I want to make around the first of the year.

The cookies in the freezer I still need to frost.

The things I need to ship……the uncoming trip……yada yada yada.

So I did the thing I always do when I am trying to turn my attention back to the Lord who really really deserves it. I opened the Word. That is always the doorway that leads to Him. His words spill over the page, and they are not just words some men wrote, but words the Holy Spirit wrote through those men.

I thought how He uses us as conduit, to reach a world that is desperately in need of Him. And I thought of the journey I have been on thus far and how much the Lord has brought me through. And it always makes me cry, because His faithfulness to me is endless.

My eyes fell on Psalm 18 where I had left my marker:

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me. 16-19

I thought of all the times the Lord has rescued me from myself…….again and again.

And and I love verses 27-29:

You save the humble
    but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
    my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
    with my God I can scale a wall.

I thought of all the situations in my life where there was most certainly a wall. And there was no going around it. I had to get through it. And it was and is prayer that has got me through……every single time.

Selah. God has marked the start of my day, He has taken note of it, this time together we share.

Conviction in the Kitchen

My little place of prayer

We had a Thanksgiving dinner yesterday.

The one we would have had if I had not worked and she had not been gone. It was perfect, just the favorites, turkey, stuffing, dumplings and cranberries, not even anything green, which is almost impossible for me to do. We played Christmas music and sang in the kitchen while we were cooking and it was a good afternoon. There was only one mishap when we left for a few minutes, but it turned out okay. The timer went off earlier than we thought and it was buzzing when we came in the door and instead of turning the oven to off, Joyce had turned it to broil.

The foil “tent” saved us. And it hadn’t been on very long, luckily.

Elaine made Joyce’s plate first and got her seated, which is extremely necessary otherwise her Mom will stand in the middle of the kitchen not knowing how or where to start.

It was hovering in the air……the prayer I felt. You can’t very well have Thanksgiving without a prayer. So I snagged her as she fixed her plate and made her a party to my “on the fly” prayer. She bowed her head as I prayed, what else could she do? I said, “That’s okay, right? I wanted to avoid…….” Of course, she knew what I was trying to avoid. The prayer at the table.

Because to be honest right now? Praying at the table is hard because I have all these conflicting emotions. To be honest I want to gulp my glass of wine and start eating. Mealtimes have been stressful, not relaxing.

She looked up after my hasty Amen. She knew I was looking for justification. She said, “Do what you can live with in your heart.” And the words dropped like warm rain of grace onto my heart because she said them with such love. “Yes, it would be easier not to, and my Mom really doesn’t care one way or the other, but it’s for Him.”

And those words of conviction hit their mark like fiery darts. She and the Holy Spirit were working as a team and it really wasn’t fair. But she was right, and there was power behind her words; it’s how she has lived these very hard two years, really the whole of her life.

Because though her parents have never treated her right, she has been Jesus to them, again and again.

We got seated, and with a freshly washed cleansed and convicted heart, I said a prayer. And I felt it.

As I prayed this morning in my “Prayer Shed” I thanked God for friends who love enough to convict me and turn me around. Who don’t cut me any slack. And I know she is thankful for me for the exact same reasons.

Thanking the Lord for His endless patience with me today.

Thomas Merton, Psalm

The forms and individual characters of living and growing things, of inanimate beings, of animals and flowers and all nature, constitute their holiness in the sight of God. Their inscape is their sanctity. It is the imprint of His wisdom and His reality in them.

The special clumsy beauty of this particular colt on this day in this field under these clouds is a holiness consecrated to God by His own creative wisdom and it declares the glory of God. The pale flowers of the dogwood outside this window are saints.

The little yellow flowers that nobody notices on the edge of that road are saints looking up into the face of God. This leaf has its own texture and its own pattern of veins and its own holy shape, and the bass and trout hiding in the deep pools of the river are canonized by their beauty and their strength.

The great, gashed, half-naked mountain is another of God’s saints. There is no other like Him. He is alone in his own character; nothing else in the world ever did or ever will imitate God in quite the same way. That is his sanctity.

But what about you? What about me?

Thomas Merton, Psalm

New Seeds of Contemplation

On Christmas trees and such…..

I walk around flipping switches and lights blaze from every corner. But when I flip that switch and they come on? I smile, because I think of the light of Christ that shines brightly in my heart. Because the truth is, sometimes you just need a little bit extra light to dispel the darkness. When I see those lights, inside and out I remember that no matter what else is going on, the light of Christ always outshines the darkness.

Every……single…..time.

Oh, I have heard all the arguments line by line, telling me how Pagan it is, how there is no basis in Scripture for this celebration, after all, the ancient church didn’t celebrate it. They have tried to shame me into unplugging. But so far, it hasn’t worked. And, yes, the light of Christ is already blazing forth in my heart. I shouldn’t need this extra, and really need doesn’t have anything to do with it. I am still unmoved by all the arguments against it. Personally, I believe that Jesus nailed all that other stuff to the cross along with Himself.

It all goes back to intent of the heart. I say, if you are persuaded that it really is wrong, then not to do so is right. Your conscience is clear and you are doing what you believe God wants you to do then God bless you for it. But if you want to celebrate it, means go buy another tree and another string of lights and blaze on and God bless you for that. God looks at the intent of our hearts my friends.

And His blood and His grace covers us all.

As I go around this house this morning, I smile when I see the lights. I know what they are for and who they represent. I know my Savior and He’s in the world today. Lights or no lights.

Meanwhile today, we have an appointment scheduled that will determine when and where Elaine’s Mom will get placed. It is time, and it was the hardest phone call she ever had to make.

And there is a Christmas trip waiting in the wings of doubt……to go or not to go? I think of how Elaine put up lights outside yesterday when it was the last thing on God’s green earth she felt like doing. She felt the cloud of today’s appointment over her head, looming. And yet she put lights up, and the Nativity……and we laughed because every year we scratch our heads because we have to stop and think how the interlocking pieces fit together. And in the end, she was glad she did it.

And in life, just like Christmas, no matter what ever else is going on….that light keeps on shining in the darkness, and the darkness can do nothing but flee.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

An Ecclesiastes kind of day

Some days are pretty much good all the way through, but most days are a mixture. Sprinklings of sorrow and hope with splashes of unexpected joy thrown in. A mixed bag. Yesterday was no exception. I started doing some decorating for Christmas which always puts me in a good mood. And every year I say I won’t do as much but I always do anyway. Once I get started I don’t want to stop. I do moving and unpacking the same way, I pull a marathon. I don’t want to stop until it’s done, then I collapse.

We got a call that our former neighbor Estelle passed away. She had just celebrated her 89th Birthday. I had just finished hanging the little lace angels she left me on each side of my bedroom tree earlier that morning…..yes, I do have a bedroom tree. Victorian. So that was sad, and yet she was a believer, so it was also cause for celebration. That, and she won’t have prolonged suffering at a nursing home or hospital. I like to think she saw Jesus first, then her husband Al, whom she missed and talked about so much.

I decorated pretty much the whole day. And in the middle of it all, Elaine’s Mom was doing her usual pacing in and out, but with a twist this time. I kept noticed her going through her purse looking for something, which she does every now and then. She seemed agitated. Some days she doesn’t touch her purse, other days it is a source of consternation and focus for the whole day. Yesterday she grabbed her purse and headed out the door like she was running away from home. I watched her to make sure she brought her purse back, that meant she was only going “around the horn” as she puts it. Around the block. In a gated park, our “blocks” are small.

When Elaine came home she did it again. Grabbed her purse and took off. So Elaine finally made the call to the Doctor that will set in motion her placement at an Alzheimer’s unit. We both have to work, and we can’t leave knowing that she may take off. It is no longer safe. That was a hard call for her to make, but it had to be done.

At 9:00 last night I was still dragging stuff out of storage. Elaine asked if I was ever going to sit down.

So, Christmas has come to our house. Three Nativity scenes, one of which I added cats to, I just know they had to be there. I like to think one of them crept up to where Jesus lay and kept him warm. Four small trees, assorted wreathes, garland, star lights, animals in the sleigh, big Costco Santa, and squirrel helper, big Costco Snowman, and a big gaping hole where the main tree will go this weekend.

It was a day of hardship, joy, sadness but ultimately we know we will be okay, because we know the Savior.

I will say, not rest in peace Estelle, but enjoy the beginning of the rest of your life in Heaven!

I will see you there when God calls me home.

^“But thanks be to God!He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:57,58

New every morning

It always amazes me, that we can feel……have…..know, the power of the resurrection each new morning. I didn’t feel very resurrected this morning at all, when I climbed into my sweats and went out to pray in the half light. But by the time I came out? I was a new creation. And once again I felt Easter. Each day somehow we get the strength to get up and do it all over again.

That’s the power of the resurrection, the power of the cross, the power of the empty tomb! Hallelujah……

I offer this poem to you this morning…….It moved me:

Psalm by Thomas Merton

When no one listens to the quiet trees,

when no one notices the sun in the pool

When no one feels the first drop of rain

Or sees the last star

Or hails the first morning

Of a giant world

Where peace begins and rages end:

One bird sits still

Watching the work of God:

one turning leaf,

two falling blossoms,

Ten circles upon the pond……..

from Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander…..full poem available there.

Random Thoughts on a Saturday

It’s been a long week. I am still lamenting the absence of turkey leftovers in the fridge. I could just taste it….mayo, big chunks of meat, dressing and a bit of cranberry and a liberal amount of salt piled on bread….Mmmm. I just may have to do a little turkey on my upcoming days off.

Yesterday the day just dragged out mercilessly. I finally crept out to my car at around 11 and put the seat back to catch a cap nap, but I couldn’t get comfortable. I crawled in my small back seat and with bent knees I arranged myself in a somewhat sleepworthy position. There in the back seat a memory of a long ago time came back and I wasn’t expecting it. No one was more surprised that I was when the tears slid down……

When my brother and I were small, a Volkswagen bug was our family mode of transportation. The seat folded down in the back and we loved it. Back then there were no DVDs to watch, just the hum of the 1967 Bug. We were together and it was a good time. We watched cows drift by and slept on and off and played Slugbug.

It was the nostalgia of it all that brought forth tears, that, and realizing how much time has gone by and how fast. The sorrow we have both already lived through, the death of both our spouses, what are the odds of that? And I prayed for my brother right there in that back seat, because he needs a touch from the Lord right now.

Don’t we all?

I got through the day and realized I had to brave Wal-Mart and it was still Black Friday. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. It wasn’t, but I still couldn’t wait to get out of there. After that I stopped by Panda to get Joyce some food and she informed me when I came in the door that she needed a map to the house. And that it was after 6:30. I didn’t want to ask what prompted the map thing. I think she was glad to see me though.

I made her plate and told her it was on the table, and because the house was sealed up like a tomb, I ran around opening windows. It was around 80 in the house. After dashing in and out with groceries, and working up a sweat, I noticed her fixing herself another plate. Then she struggled with the tea because we usually make it for her and set it by her plate. Finally she was settled at her place and I did my other jobs.

The cats were still safely inside and I was thankful. She let Briggs out one day and my cats never go out of the house. He was dirty and a bit scared I think, but he came running when Elaine called. So that was making me nervous all day. One hop over the fence and out in the road and they would be goners.

I thought for the thousandth time, how in the world Elaine has done this for two years. Only God’s grace is how.

I settled in front of the computer for a while, and talked to dear friends via FB. And talked to my Mom on the phone and Elaine from Las Vegas. I got some texts from Heather about Christmas plans.

And God touched down once again through His people. I am blessed.

Lori's Prayer Closet

"And when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you……"Matthew 6:6

Reflection