Calling a Truce

I tugged at my hair and frowned in the mirror. Then I remembered I couldn’t frown because that’s bad for the furrow between my eyes. I lift my eyebrows as if to iron it out. I can’t look too close at the things that are changing more with each passing year.

I apply makeup furiously and with a vendetta against the things I am trying to cover up. I do my usual squint in the mirror, my usual way of addressing mirrors ever since I was in fifth grade when my Mom let me start using pancake makeup to cover up my early acne.

In many ways, I am still the girl behind the curtain of hair on my first visit to the dermatologist office, all these years later. I look for the seat against the window, not facing it. Those visits lasted years and took me to some dark places.

I thought I could make myself disappear if I lost enough weight.

When I finally emerged at 25, by God’s grace and healing and my parent’s prayers, I entered into a foreign and wonderful place I had never been before. It was my own personal Woodstock. I waded in at first, then I plunged in with both feet. I exulted, I danced, I splashed, I reveled in my new-found joy and freedom.

I got my hair cut and looked out at a new and wonderful world. I ran my fingers over my face and down my neck where there were no more lumps. Praise God. For the first time in my life I felt beautiful.

It was a pretty good run from then on. Until lately that is.

At 50 I was all confident and unafraid, ready to take on the next phase of life. At 53 I am entering into a peculiar stage. It’s not so much fun anymore. Gravity and years are tugging at me. Simple tasks result in stupid injuries.

But from today on, I am calling a truce with myself and my body. I will forgive it for aging. I am going to fall in love all over again. With myself. Cause God said I could.

This….day….I….will….remember.

Each time I get angry at the extra pounds pressing at my clothes, I will remember this post. I will not think of it as my body betraying me, but reminding me that I have to work a little bit harder. When I look at my upper arms I won’t pinch angrily at the extra flesh, remembering how firm and muscular my arms used to be.

And when I look at the wrinkles on my skin, which to me are looking more like trenches, I will try not to dream of winning a trip to the plastic surgeon or running to get laser treatments. I will not hate my extra sun spots and think of them as defects but friendly freckles, and I will let my arms go free from sleeves and I will wear shorts and enjoy it.

I will love my legs, knowing that underneath they are the same legs as when I could point a toe and see muscles pop like a ballet dancer. I can still use them to walk fast and even run when my back doesn’t give out.

I will not dread the swimsuit season. I will not allow it to give myself permission to hate my body or berate myself for how lazy I have gotten over the winter, I will use it as extra motivation to improve and make better food choices.

I will remember my re-birth, both of them. And live the truth that God has called me wonderfully made, and good, and yes, beautiful. And when I love myself, I am not only praising what He made, I am praising Him too.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

I will from this time forward, look to my beautiful older sisters who dress young and act young. I will see their radiant faces in my mind when I am tempted to pick up the barbed chains of self-flagellation.

And last but not least I will let my inner beauty shine so bright it’s the first thing people notice about me.

And starting today, I will hug myself in the mirror instead of frowning or squinting.

Because I love the me God created.

When God sounds like a Jewish mother

Days like today it seems like praying amounts to throwing a cup of water into the ocean. All around me, everyone I am close to is in some kind of crisis mode. I don’t mean things like your car wouldn’t start or you didn’t get the grade you thought you deserved on that test. I mean big things. Life altering things. Problems so big they actually swallow everything else up and leave you reeling, trying to catch your breath and recalculate the direction of your life.

Problems that eclipse all the regular normal day-to-day life as you know it.

Right now, if my heart could make a sound, it would be like that dove I hear crying right at this very moment outside this window.

I am in here right now, in my prayer closet. My little shed where so much happens. My back is having some kind of a spasm today and after trying to sit unsuccessfully in this chair, I grasp the table and stagger to my feet.

Suddenly I hear God sounding very much like a Jewish mother in my head. “So quit complaining, already. You just finished saying how great the need was, so you can still kneel right? Is there anything wrong with your knees? Are they broken? Oy vey….these kids I have to deal with.”

This alone proves how much of a healthy sense of humor God has. He had me there.

It’s not that I know much about Jewish mothers mind you, but I have my own Mom who never fails to remind me how good I have it and how others don’t when she catches a whiff of anything close to me feeling sorry for myself.

I glimpse the globe which for a reason that will soon be apparent, didn’t make it to storage. I slid it up to where I was kneeling so I could see it, this world that God so loves. I touched that globe, and then God revealed to me what it was there for in the knot of tears that formed around my throat and threatened to spill over.

Sometimes God uses props. I layed both hands on it then, and I prayed for everyone in my life, and then the world too.

I thought of Moses and his staff, Jeremiah and his linen belt. Me with my forehead now resting on the globe, in this little prayer shed, in this town, on this planet. And then I felt just a little bit like God must feel when He looks down on this earth, knowing He could change it all in an instant, waiting for us to do what we expect Him to. He has given us everything we need to help, to heal the ocean of pain, but too often we look to Him because it’s so much easier to blame someone else.

God is an easy target.

Sometimes I think we read the verse about how He so loved the world and we leave it right there in that past tense. The truth is, He is actively loving it still. He never stopped.

Each and every day when the sun comes up He proves it all over again.

All these things have to play out in each of our lives. Next year it may be something entirely different, but God will still be the same.

He is after all, the God of yesterday, today and forever.

And even if it sometimes feels useless to pray? It never is.

Because He hears every one.

And sometimes He uses props to prove His point.

When it just flows

Sometimes you hit a sweet spot with blogging, or any kind of writing for that matter. You stop wrestling and trying to figure out what you should write, or what people want to hear, or what you want to hear from yourself. It doesn’t always happen this way, but when it does?

It becomes not something you do, but something you release as a free expression of the worship that naturally flows out of your heart and soul. It’s gratitude and nothing more…..

Just now, I was heading back up the stairs here at work. I had a spring in my step because I am on break and I knew I had an hour or so to do this post. I simply couldn’t wait, not because I have anything of much importance or earth shattering to say, be because I serve a very good God and I am so glad He is walking with me on this earth, because the more I see in the news?

The more hopeless it seems to get. The bleaker the outlook, the more I cling to my God and the more the gratitude spills out. And the more I want to share that with everyone else.

As I spent time with my family just this past week, I learned to cherish them all over again.

When I was unpacking my suitcase last night, I came across the hand drawn map my Dad made me, the directions to the hospital. I couldn’t bear to throw it away. I tucked it into my keepsake box, which is fairly bursting at the seams with each passing year.

Looking at that map, I wondered how in the world I have been so blessed. I have had people drawing maps for me my whole life. At every turn.

And when I took that wrong turn on the freeway just recently? I got a call from Elaine who was watching me via the “Find friends” app on my iPhone. She called to tell me how to get back on but I had already stopped and asked directions.

Friends and family that have your back. When it all comes down to it, that is what matters most. In the hospital room beside my brother there was a man who had no visitors. He was awaiting his heart surgery and he had no company.

He has no hope of any face to greet him when he comes out. No hand to grasp except the medical staff. No loving eyes that meet his, and no one to wipe his brow with a cool cloth. My brother felt so bad he said he might even go visit him afterwards.

Yes, I am extremely grateful these days. For people who love me, and for a loving God who gave me the best road map and the only one I will ever need.

His word and His love.

The Snow Day

Tuesday night my little corner of the desert took a cue from the rest of the country and got uncharacteristically cold and gray. When dawn drew aside her curtain we were treated to a view that was almost Holy.

Snow had dusted the top of the Superstition Mountains…..and all day long my camera beckoned from its place on the shelf.

I needed to get closer to that view…..closer to God. I drove through rain-soaked drizzle and felt the snap in the air as I waited for the heater to kick in.

My spirit was bogged down with an anchor that held my heart fast, kept it from sailing free.

And in this life isn’t there almost always a pain, a heartache, an issue, “a thing” to weigh down our hearts? But I have learned one very important bit of wisdom in my time on this earth.

Really, you could say that it is one of the most important lessons to learn.

God is always there too, and He’s always bigger than the thing, whatever that thing is.

Sometimes, we just need to know that He remembers us down here; that’s how I found myself praying that day, as I drove.

Remember me Lord…….remember me as You remembered Noah, Moses and Abraham.

See this woman down here; this woman driving around getting lost looking for the perfect view of the mountain, the perfect view of You. One who worries about her family. Remember me as my pain blooms to life once again by something I see that reminds me of what used to be.

And then somehow, a miracle does happen because it’s not only God remembering me, but me remembering God, and all the big things He’s brought us through before and I know He will again.

On days when we’d rather throw the covers over our head, what we need to do is swing our feet over the side of the bed and ask God what kind of miracle you and He are going to pull off together. It’s what I had to do this morning……

I remember You, God. And today I will set my sights on Heaven.

Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. Colossians 3:1-4

Of Planks and Beams

I wasn’t going to go out to the prayer shed today…..it was gray and a bit chilly and I just ran out of propane in my little heater yesterday, so I lit a candle in the living room. But it wasn’t the same. The light in the sky drew me out anyway, that’s a sacred part of the day and I hate missing it.

It wasn’t really that cold once I got out there, so I grabbed my coffee, lit my little lantern and settled in my chair.

It felt right…….I need the separateness of my “closet.”

I thought about the conversation I was going to have soon. It is inevitable. I thought about all the ways it could go, what I will say, working it all out in my mind. It’s always so hard when it’s someone you love. But it’s for love’s sake that I must have it.

I will trust the Holy Spirit with my words. He speaks way better than I ever could.

I opened my Bible and it fell to the part where Jesus is talking about beams and specks and sawdust depending on which translation you read, and He’s not talking about construction. So today, I am working on my beam…..the one that gets lodged in my own eye from time to time. I am making sure it’s cleared out before I start looking for specks somewhere else.

I will post about Haiti tomorrow, but this was fighting its way out and it had to come first.

Until then, Jesus and I will be working on my beam together.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3-5

God’s Greatest Gift

I confess I have always been a sucker for Valentine’s Day. When I was a kid I loved sweets more than anything else in the world. I could be bought easily with candy or cookies……Well, some things never change, I guess. I can still remember my Aunt Lois running up the driveway with a special box just for me. She would never stay long, but I looked forward to what she brought every year.

And I especially loved it in grade school. I remember making those big white envelopes we would decorate and hang on our desks; then we would all file around and drop a card or maybe two in each one. The teachers always made sure the distribution was fair and no one was shortchanged.

It remains a special day for me, even though I get irritated by the endless hawking and intimidation on the part of jewelry stores. I hate to think such a sweet sentimental day has been reduced to diamonds and other expensive gifts.

I have never been known to refuse chocolate however, especially when it comes to a “certain retailer”….Ahem…. in which I have memorized every candy by its shape……Ahem…..in which I think I may have waiting on the table tonight. I hope.

I hang my head in shame as I confess that I have never had to actually cut into one to find out what it is, I already know. Years of consumption and practice.

Setting aside everything else about the day though, one thing is true:

The biggest Valentine any one of us will ever get came from God Himself in the form of Jesus. We were in His heart from the very beginning.

God is love. Not only does He act in love, He simply IS love. So I guess you could say this day really belongs to Him.

Everything in our universe responds to love. Animals have a tremendous capacity to show and demonstrate their love and devotion to us. I am touched every day by how my cats love me, how they wait for my car to pull up in the drive, how they wait for me to settle in my chair so they can be wherever I am.

Trees, flowers, everything in nature responds to care and nuturing.Without it they die. Without it, we die too.

Our world was created and is sustained by a loving God. It keeps turning because of His limitless capacity for love and mercy. And in turn, when we love like He does? We have the power to throw a spotlight on what can be a very dark place for some.

So if you don’t get diamonds or chocolate or flowers today?

Remember God’s great gift. A Father giving a Son, and a Son who gives Himself willingly…….

God gives nothing but the best.

Happy Valentine’s Day from me to you.

The Big Green Monster

It struck without warning, and I wasn’t prepared. I was minding my own business, things were going well, in fact I had just had a several pieces of encouraging news the day before. I was cruising…..bouyant even. So when it reared up out of the depths like a big green sea monster, I was blindsided.

It was amazing at how fast and with what lethal force it struck, like a rattlesnake with no rattle of warning at all. It was the big green monster of JEALOUSY.

I thought of the sea monster that used to come up out of the water at the Santa Cruz beach boardwalk when I was a kid. I was terrified of that thing. The little train tracks ran around the outside of the little fake lagoon from whence that monster reared up.

I always hoped and prayed I would be in the cave part of the ride when it came up.

Right before he came up out of the water, it would bubble and the speakers would crackle and make a terrible noise, that was right before it raised it’s head, snorting water dripping from its flarel nostrils. And then after the curved neck was fully raised?

It would turn and cast it’s awful eyes on me! It was terrible and horrible and yet I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

Like that big green sea monster, envy and jealousy will kill our joy faster than anything. It distorts, it twists, and then after you have finished turning the knife toward that other person, you turn it inwards and start inflicting injury on yourself.

Nobody wants to be around a jealous or envious person. Jealousy and its close cousin envy blocks the Spirit much like a solar eclipse blocks out the sun. When life is colored by what we feel we don’t have, we tend to lose our gratitude for what we do have.

When we start recounting our gifts again, that other thing becomes small and once again we can put our focus on everything God has given us.

Basically, we give Him back His rightful place on the Throne.

I bow my head as I shuffle backwards…….sheepishly I hand Him back the Scepter which I greedily snatched away. Sorry, Lord. I have an idea where this came from and it wasn’t You.

I place it at the cross and once again my heart fills clean with Gratitude because of how He made me, all that He’s given me. Because how He made me is pretty special.

I am a diamond on His endless shore, and yet He would be able to pick me, (and you) out of that glittering pile in a minute. He cradles me in His hand, turns me this way and that.

He admires the shine that I am just beginning to take on.

Oh how He loves me.

And you.

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 1 Peter 2:1

Lori's Prayer Closet

"And when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you……"Matthew 6:6

Love