The Dangers of Assumption

Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9,10
Do me a favor today? If you live with someone, walk across the room and  grab their hands and look in their eyes and ask them if everything is okay. Even if you think everything is alright.
They may smile, shake their head and pull away, or think you’re being silly. They might giggle or laugh self-conciously. But then again they might surprise you and words might come tumbling out. Words they have been waiting to share.
Chances are, if you are living with someone, you have settled into a routine of what you call normal. Maybe one person is more silent, and the other one’s the talker. And usually it works. Life hums along. But when stress and life and circumstance come beating against the door, the seismic pattern shifts. All of a sudden what worked yesterday, is broken today.
Maybe it happened so gradually that you didn’t even notice. But now the silence is deafening and you, being the quiet one, pull in even further. You think maybe leaving them alone in their silence will fix it…..make the problem go away. But it never will.
If someone you love is quiet and they usually aren’t, something may be drastically wrong, and more silence won’t fix it.
They will wonder why you are leaving them alone………They will wonder why you are leaving them to battle it out all my themselves…….They will wonder if you care at all.
Learn from me……..I have made this mistake in the past, and I am sure I will again, of assuming that everything is okay, and then being shocked into awareness that things are very much not okay.
Leave a note in your wallet if you have to. Take it out and read it again and again.
Then do what it says.
Talk.

Living on the Edge

I look at the clock…..3:10 AM. I lay back down, my heart wonders whether to pick up its beat, but I breathe deep and it settles back down…..Not time to get up yet. I know I won’t go back to sleep, but it is enough that I can lay here for awhile longer. I don’t pray, I just turn over. When the small hand approaches four and the big one nears 12 I hit the button before it has a chance to go off.

I turn my phone over face up to check for messages first thing. With folks in their eighties living in another state, you never know….I fear the message, the voice mail….”We took Dad to Urgent Care last night…..or Mom fell.” Give us a call when you get up. But there are none. Thank you, Lord.

Not for the first time I panic. How much longer will I have them, and what will my life look like when they are gone? I see a gaping hole where they once were, bigger than life. Always there. “You don’t have to worry,” my Mom always says, “the Lord is taking care of us.” But I do. How can I not?

I hear the morning traffic already churning up for the commute. They sound angry today. I hear a crotch rocket tearing down the road and the sound cuts through my head like a buzz saw. Coffee……oh, I need coffee.

I pull onto the freeway and join the morning communion mass. At 5:00 AM it is not nearly full force yet, but it is working itself up to a fever pitch that will reach its peak around 7 o’ clock. I am thankful it is not too bad yet, at this hour.

Help me, Lord……just for today. Just for this 12 hours. I am living on the edge and I never did like the edge. It is stressful at this new place at work. Our little group was thrown in with the big dogs and the heat is being turning up. I think of Daniel in the lions den, Shadrach Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace and I know my little stress is really nothing. But it feels big.

I approach my exit and start to turn off the freeway when I notice a truck trying to speed up and get there before me. “Not so fast buddy,” I think. This little yellow bug may look like something Tweety bird would drive, but it has some get up and go……it has a killer overdrive, it floats over 80 mph.

Maybe he feels on the edge this morning too.

About that time, I hear my Dad’s voice in my head say….”Everybody wants to be a Nascar driver now” and he’s right. But you kind of have to or they will run right over you.

As I pull into the Intel site, I notice a truck ahead of me. It has DVLMAN on the licence plate. Does that stand for Devilman? And why would you put that on your plate?

I guess maybe  for the same reason I put my Jesus sticker on my back window. You have to align yourself with someone. I am just really glad I am aligning myself with Jesus not that other guy.

It is a battle in the parking lot as well, everyone jockeying for the few covered spaces. I didn’t get one today.

I turn the car off and enjoy the few moments of quiet before I go in. And  once more, I thank the Lord for being here with me on the edge. I imagine that He’s sitting beside me. I feel His arm go around my shoulders as He looks at me sideways and smiles, and I know this promise is true.

For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5

I love you God, but…….

“Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the desert and came to Horeb, the mountain of God…….Exodus 3:1

“I love you, God…..” But after I said it, I could hear how it sounded to my own ears. What must it have sounded like to God’s? I was weary of myself so I could understand how He could be weary of me. Of my same prayers…….my same requests. I was feeling like a bad actor before a Holy God. And the act of sitting out there felt like a charade this morning.

Here I am Lord, again. Don’t you get tired of me Lord? I would if I were you. It was a prayer, but there was a “but” behind my “I love you” that didn’t belong.

If I knew how Holy the ground was beneath my feet, these Teva sandals would be off my feet in a New York minute. The truth is, sometimes it is just hard to feel the Holy when we are down here on what feels right now like a grubby little planet. The dirt and debris has piled up near the door from yesterday’s dust storm and I stepped through it to make my way to Him, to the place of our morning meeting.

I’m still the same old me. I have not lost the ten pounds I wanted to lose by the trip to California in July and the month is half over. I will shock everyone with the blinding white of my skin when I put on my bathing suit. I also need to dye my roots.

And today my prayers sounded more like exasperated sighs than reverence for you.

I wasn’t feeling it today. But I know better now. I have learned you can’t always trust feelings. I am, however haltingly, learning to trust Him.

I turned where He directed, to the story of Moses. I wanted to read about the bush that God lit with Holy fire and it didn’t burn up. And then God taught this slow learner another lesson. He showed me that Moses was a big bundle of inadequacy and nerves and fear just like me…..

The words were truth…..leaping out through the pages. Moses was just like me. Over and over again, he tried to convince God of all that he wasn’t.

But Moses protested to God, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?” 

God answered, “I will be with you.”

And later on……after God explained all the wondrous signs and miracles He would do, Moses protests once again……“What if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The Lord never appeared to you’?”

Lesson number two came when God told Moses to grab his staff which has now turned into a snake.

Sometimes you have to grab hold of that snake before God produces the miracle.

Moses then proceeds to work on God’s last nerve, and boy don’t I do that every single day?

Yet God is so full of love for Moses that he produces some help in the form of Aaron. Then the tears came and once again my love for God was as real as the flame in that bush. And there was my prayer, and this time it was real…..

And no buts about it.

Will there be horses in Heaven?

There is one prayer I have had that was never answered…..From my earliest memory, from the time I actually believed there was a God and that I could pray to Him I prayed that one morning I would wake up and there would be a horse in the front yard. From the time I first saw one, I was instantly in awe. I held them in reverence that was almost godlike.

It started with the pony rides. I didn’t care about anything else at the carnival, if there were ponies going around a ring I was there. My Dad would shell out the two bits. And in Yosemite there was what I would classify as a deluxe pony ride. We got to ride on a track, all around the stables….oh they were pure wonder. Which one would I get? I didn’t care, to me they were all as magical as unicorns.

We used to camp in old Camp 7……and just on the border ran the horse trail. My favorite part of the day was when they would come through. I can still hear my Dad announce, “Here come the horses!”

Oh, I would hear the footfall of those wondrous creatures as they walked through the carpet of dry pine needles that fell across the trail. The sound of them, blowing and breathing and neighing. I would stand stock still as we watched every last one pass.

And when finally the day came that I myself could go……….I was on top of the world. I was taller than anything. My big gentle brown quarter horse with a butt as big as a house was my new best friend. I could have cried as I bent down to hug his neck as he carried me into a place I had never been before, but only dreamed of.

Then, as what happens so often, we grow up and put away our dreams and convince ourselves those joys may be for someone else, but not for us.

And still, as I see them, even now. I remember that magic. And I wonder, will there be horses in Heaven? I think that if God created animals in the first place, he must want them there.

The Bible says He will be riding in on a white horse, after all.

Maybe I will be riding with Him? Maybe we all will…….

I am posting this today because sometimes just remembering something magical is miracle enough.  the joy of living, the joy of memory carries us through.

And it’s all a gift from God.

Joining in with these wonderful folks today just because I want to, not because this post necessarily has anything to do with promises or counting blessings. But then again, maybe it has everything to do with it!


A Father’s Love

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Our Heavenly Father loves us so much that there is nothing He wouldn’t do to get us back, to save us. I remember growing up with the knowledge that there was nothing my Dad wouldn’t do for me. I knew that by his actions. Over and over again, he proved that he would do anything within reason to fix whatever was wrong. He had my back.

I remember a strong hand lifting my head to place a pillow under my head if I fell asleep on the floor. And stories that he would make up, and tell again and again. I remember all the camping trips…..every time we had to pick up the tent and move it, because he had found yet again, the perfect spot. I remember so much. He wanted the best for us.

Even this morning, as I started my run I heard his voice. I remember when we used to run together and one day he said, “You have a good stride.” Good words are so important……Fathers should never, ever underestimate the power of words of encouragement to their kids. Those words will follow them all their lives.

Maybe what you heard from your father was much different. You heard shouting…….you heard annoyance…..you heard many things, everything but love. Maybe there was only one compliment you can ever remember him giving. And you remember it to this day.

Maybe he was never there, or you never knew him, or maybe when he was there, you wished he would leave.

Maybe he is gone and you hold sorrow in your heart because you never got the chance to say you were sorry, or give him the chance to say he was.

Even good fathers are not perfect. But I know one who is.

And today, you can celebrate a Heavenly Father who paid your ransom to get you back. Because He loves you with a perfect love. An all-consuming love……A love that would go to the ends of the earth to find you.

And He can fill that hollow in your heart, all those empty places your earthly father should have filled.

He has inscribed your name in His palm, counted the hairs on your head, called you by name. He is Super-Dad.

And today, when He thinks of you, He looks down at His own nail scars and smiles because He knows He did all He could do

Just as any good father would.

Changes……

He has made everything beautiful in its time. <sup class="crossreference" value="(G)”>He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom <sup class="crossreference" value="(H)”>what God has done from beginning to end.  I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.  That each of them may eat and drink, <sup class="crossreference" value="(J)”>and find satisfaction <sup class="crossreference" value="(K)”>in all their toil—this is the gift of God. Ecclesiastes 3:11-13


I am making some changes, soon I hope to be taking this little place I have cozied up to and I hope you have to, over to the WordPress platform. I have wanted to make some changes for awhile but I needed a little push. And I have some very kind helpers who are trying their best to answer all my questions.

And I keep having more and more of them. Questions, I mean.

I go over to the other site and almost have a panic attack. Then I jump back over here into the safe zone and breathe a sigh of relief. I know this, it is familiar. It is home.

But as in life and blogging and anything else, God doesn’t always want us in the safe zone. He wants us in the “trust me” zone.

And I know the other place will be home too, as soon as I know it better. Change is good, change is good. I know it is just another of my emotional attachments. I get attached to things like cars and furniture and dishtowels too. It’s a personal problem. I may need help.

So, here I am in my pair of fuzzy slippers.

For now. Until I get the courage to jump in all the way.

When writing heals what is broken

“Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God’s recreation of the new day”
Morning has broken, Cat Stevens
Sometimes God does something that we really don’t expect. Well, usually He does.  And yesterday, I hinted at that something. It was something that was broken off me……and it was supernatural. It was an out and out healing, I really wouldn’t know what else to call it. I wrote a story recently, well God wrote it, actually. And I guess it was a kind of catharsis, because ever since it was posted, the anger that I have been wrestling with has left.
I remember the morning after I sent it, I awoke at 2:00 and it was there. The black presence. I was fighting with it in the dark. I was doing combat. And I was upset because I was robbed of precious sleep. In two more hours the alarm would go off.
It was a person I was mad at. And it was justified, because my friend was hurt because of it. You could say it was a righteous anger. But it was anger all the same. And I recognized it as a tangible thing inside me, building and brewing inside me since all these events of the past few years or so.
It was the anger that leapt up like a fire in me…….when a shirt wouldn’t come off the hanger, when someone pulled in front of me, little irrational things that caused it to flare. And I was never that way before.
That dark morning I prayed just I had other mornings, but that morning I fell asleep hard, and when I awoke that anger had packed its bags and left. God swept that demon out clean. 
I know it was the story.
I compare it to the other morning long ago when I got up and I suddenly knew my mind was healed of anorexia. I sat down and ate……with no guilt at all. That thing inside that held me captive was gone and I knew it.
And there was such joy at the kitchen table that day, my Mom and Dad and I all cried as I told them about a healing dream I had. That morning they got their daughter back from the grip of death.
I remember I ate scrambled eggs, usually a forbidden food.
I know it was the story. I gave it to Him and He did something wonderful with it.
This is powerful confirmation that Dawn is coming.
Once again He has reminded me in a powerful way, that whatever you or I are going through right now, its temporary, Hallelujah.
Tremble and do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
and trust in the Lord.
In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, Lord,
make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:4,5, and 8



The Lord will hear…….

But know that the Lord has set apart for Himself him who is godly;
The Lord will hear when I call to Him.
Psalm 4:3

I pulled out of the driveway a bit late for church. I was thinking that I might miss the music, and that was okay. Certain days, it’s all I want to hear, and other days I would be content to just sit in the silence for awhile. Just to be in church…..

As I sped along the freeway another thought came. What if, instead of doing church, I went and passed out bottled water to the homeless. Went to serve in the foodbank. Went to the rest home and spent the church hour sitting with him. Praying with him. It was a radical thought. That’s what made me think it might be a God thought.

Instead, I felt my tires go the familiar groove, the safe way. Into the doors I went, into the safety of the church. It’s what I need, I thought. This is how I get ready for the rest of the week. This is what keeps me going all week.

And I was glad I went. But at service’s end, I found myself going the back way home. The way that passed the rest home where he was, Curtis, my best friend’s Dad. He has wreaked such havoc over the last few years, well, longer than that. And though he provided for the family, he was an absent father.

Now everyone is absent from his life, well just about everyone.

Though the choices that have led to this result at the end of his life have been his, it makes it no less tragic how he has ended up.

As I drove past, I felt God whisper for me to pull in. And He might have said that I should go in the room, too. But I wrestled with that, and put it aside.

What if he’s in a grouchy mood, what if he’s just gotten his lunch, he stops eating if someone is there…..what if there is a mess all over and soiled clothes piled high in the hamper, like there has been before. The smell reached all the way down the hall. Sometimes he refuses to let the aides pick up his laundry.

I think of him how he looks now. So frail, so weak, a shadow of the man he was before.

I pulled into a space and my swirling thoughts quieted down like snow at the bottom of a snowglobe.

I bowed my head, and prayed for him right there in the parking lot. For his life, for the rest of his life, however much is left. For him to remember what he heard in church all his younger years, he and his sister, still vibrant and full of life at 88. She chose the better path, the path of faith, of life. Of Jesus.

I pray for a miracle before the end.

Then, like that while feather that floated from the sky in Forrest Gump, I realized that a miracle had happened, the anger I had before was gone. It had left like a wisp of smoke and I hadn’t realized it before then,  and I know just when it happened.

Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah
Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And put your trust in the Lord
Psalm 4:4,5

Tomorrow, I will write more…..until then I join with the gratitude community and with the ones who are unwrapping his promises.

Okra reaching for the sky, how my story touched some hearts, and how I made some new friends, completed projects and a clean shop, friends across the miles who text, another chips and salsa timeout yesterday, freedom to gather together in worship one more Sunday, a new friend for my brother, my nieces Mom who takes Lauryn everywhere with her and doesn’t leave her behind, and facebook for keeping in touch. #933-943