There are places…….

28986_1307265083699_6707834_n

There are places you miss like the face of a loved one…..I know this face. Years full of memories have attached it to my soul, so much so that it has become not just a place, but part of who I am. I see it and they all come flooding back like the mighty Merced that cuts a powerful swath through this valley.

28986_1307260163576_2556148_n

If I close my eyes, I can feel the spray of this fall where one day near the top my hat took flight. And leaning over from the guard rail I saw it perched on a ledge below. The wind caught it again before my Dad could rescue it because he almost went. The wind was God that day.

60156_1414414682372_4394462_n

And here is where the coyote trotted through, meandering one day in the hush of a quiet morning. I stopped still and watched him, a living prayer on noiseless feet in his space, in his element, not mine.

28986_1307260363581_4902906_n

And this…….as we walked along the meadow. I had been here for years and never chanced to see this splash of pink. A day in early May when we walked in that dreamlike place. How many years have we walked this meadow and wondered aloud how it would be to live there in one of those little enchanted houses…….as close to Heaven as we would wish for here.

28986_1307265203702_7272208_n

I remember how happy Lauryn was when “Blackie” came out to greet us there on our walk…….there in that frozen time.

62724_1414409002230_8082051_n

Heaven has hoses……and though I smile when I see these, my heart aches, my throat swells with lost time. Yet even so, my heart rests in hope knowing I will be in that place again someday, and maybe soon.

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. 1 Corinthians 13:12

I regret not having my good camera yet that year when we visited Yosemite, but I am glad I got these.

Things I remember…….

IMG_4605

Here are some things I remember. Waiting in the car while you ran in to the store, and you always brought a treat. Usually M&Ms, peanuts or a plain Hershey bar. And falling asleep in the theater when I was very small, usually to a James Bond movie. You bought me Flicks candy in the big dark lobby…….I remember the game we always had, the one where I put my hand on the side of your face a certain way and you’d make a growling noise, like you might bite.

I remember stopping at that little roadside store where they had those little “grab bags” in a bin. You always brought us one. I remember begging for stories, the ones you tell Lauryn now. You told wonderful stories you made up about a green light in the dark and a little black kitten. I remember you always complimenting me, whatever I did you were proud.

I remember the fishing trips…..

I remember days at the public pool, the spit pool you called it, and me clinging to the side and you holding your arms out…….you never failed to catch me. I remember how we always used to get in trouble at church for laughing. Mom would give us the glare like you were the kid too. I remember you always the leader on the hiking trail, encouraging us all forward because the view from the top was worth it.

It always was, it still is.

Thank you for filling our home with love and jazz and art and for introducing me to the joys of writing and poetry and haiku. Thank you for years and years worth of  walks, and talks.

You will always be our fearless leader, Dad. It’s this guy I still see.

Happy Father’s Day…….From your girl.

Hit Reset!

IMG_4014

Years ago, I had a computer with a cool feature called “go back.” It allowed you to go back into the files and restore your computer to a “healthier” time. A kind of reset. My morning called for one of those. I skipped my morning prayer and nothing seemed to be flowing. I spent 30 minutes looking for a picture I wanted to enlarge and when I finally sent it to Outlook I couldn’t open my mail without signing in with an access code, which I have never done before.

So, I smartly posted it on Facebook from my phone and then saved it to my computer. I still can’t get into my mail via computer.

I discovered that piece of the morning that was missing then and went out to pray.

Those times we share? It’s not “Religion by rote,” it’s not something I do to appease an unknown impassive granite-like God. It has nothing whatever to do with Religion with a capital “R.” It’s a time of fellowship between my Heavenly Father and I, and I have discovered that when I miss it, I miss it!

It’s like the daily phone chat with your Mom. Or the coffee time before the rush with your husband…..wife……best friend. It’s something that if you didn’t get it, didn’t hear them, see them, touch them, your day wouldn’t feel quite right. You’d want to go back to that time and start over. You’d want a reset button.

That’s what God wants from us. He misses us. And I can’t help but wonder, when we get to Heaven with all those myriads of people, will we get this One on one time? I wonder and ask Him as I pray?

And the reply was sent to my heart feather soft. “Heaven is why I took such drastic lengths to get you back.”

“If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. John 14:3

Take me fishing!

RBFF_postcard1_08

What is it about fishing that stirs such romantic soulful nostalgia? If there is any activity that is more deeply ingrained into the heartbeat of American culture than fishing, I don’t know what it is. I blame Mark Twain. It’s not even possible to think of Tom Sawyer or Huckleberry Finn without a fishing pole. I dare you to try.

And who can ever hear the theme song to the Andy Griffith show without visualizing Andy and Opie strolling along that river bank with their tackle boxes?  Later that night they’d be gathering around the supper table eating “a mess of friend trout” cooked by Aunt Bee. For me, it just has to be trout, you see. I have my own memories attached to that.

Then there was that commercial with the little kids begging their parents to take them fishing. I could almost cry right now just thinking about it.

I remember this. I remember the garbage can full of water in the backyard for the boat motor. I remember my Dad cursing it when it wouldn’t start. And I remember the victory when it would. And the Saturdays when we would drive to the Delta, the four of us on a bright California day.

I don’t remember Mom ever getting in the boat, but she would pack the lunch. It was always sandwiches and barbecued chips. Always barbecued. Even now when I close my eyes I can see the brilliant sky overhead, and somehow attached to my memory is the sound of a plane lazily buzzing overhead, that, and the rhythmic melodious sound of the waves gently lapping against the boat. Sometimes we’d fish from the shore, looking for the magic spot, straining our eyes to watch for fish jumping.

As a squeamish girl, I wasn’t into the fishing much. It was mostly the anticipation and excitement of the possible tug on the line. I never could attach that worm to the merciless barb. I remember the bright pink plastic tub of salmon eggs and the debate about which was better. And there was always someone’s favorite lure. This is the rhyme my Dad taught me from long ago:

Fishy, fishy in the brook, Daddy catch em with a hook, Mama fry em in a pan, Baby eat em like a man.

As an animal lover, I hated to see anything suffer so I could never watch the fish flopping around gasping for air. I thought it was more merciful to toss them in a bucket. I was always secretly glad when a fish was deemed too small and felt a private thrill to see it released and swim off into the deep.

But I also remember that there was nothing better than fresh caught trout and crispy skin cooked over an open fire, and weather so cold the rubber souls of your shoes would smoke.

My Dad raised us all to have a deep and abiding respect for nature and all her gifts. I was glad that he never hunted. He always said he could never look a deer in the eye and kill it. He did enjoy fishing, and even more than that, he enjoyed us all being together under the sky. For me, it was never really about the fishing. It was about being together in that magic place, when the world seemed perfect.

When I close my eyes to this day, I am there all over again. I can hear our laughter across the water, calling me back to simpler times, times when we were all young and still had so much ahead of us. A line tossed out…..a line of hope that we would always be together, always just that way.

Many years later I would think of this, sitting in a Mexican resort in the middle of my own nightmare, one memory that never leaves me.  It was what my brother said through tears, “All I wanted to do was take Jody fishing.”

And it’s only a feeling I have that someday, on that great and wonderful shore, Jesus will bring out some fishing poles and Jody, my brother and my Dad will fish together. Maybe even Jesus too. That day it will be catch and release without the hooks. There will be no need of sun, because we will have the Son right there with us.

It’s how we’ll always be, forever.

 

999513_10200221674046529_1343406425_n

First photo, courtesy of www.wildlife.state.nh.us

On remembering why we’re here

IMG_4515

The things we take away, the joy makers, that stand out moments of any particular day are so often not the big things, but those small simple moments in between. The ones that let us catch our breath when we have forgotten just why it is we are here.

Living for the weekend is tiring. I leap frog, stagger from one to another and even now, I am pausing inside because I know that once my week starts tomorrow, there will be little time for pausing until Sunday.

Some days you just have to stop. Today my stop was turning on Phil Keaggy and baking cookies to send to my Mom, who has baked for others for years and now it’s hard for her. The box will go out today or tomorrow.

And yesterday, E and I went out to find a frame for the pictures I took of Lauryn that will go in the box too. As I finished framing them, I stood back and smiled.

One day those little hands will be grown but I hope she will never lose the joy of making sand castles……small moments that turn large looking back.

Reach for the stand out moments today. When your little one grabs your hand, cherish it as if it were the last. When a furry body climbs into your lap looking for love, don’t get irritated at the fur. See their eyes, see the God who made them.

Made us all.

Remembering He’s why we’re here, why we’re all here for each other.

What Matters Most

Lodi lake

How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.

The wicked are not so, but they are like chaff which the wind drives away; therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish. Psalm 1:1-6

I was grieved by the news today. We’ve become a nation that now thinks it’s okay to openly negotiate with murders and cold-blooded killers. (I am speaking of the Taliban) Our government traded five notorious radicals that would think nothing of beheading your children, your elderly parents, your wife, your husband, your best friend, for a U.S. soldier who went missing as a deserter of his platoon. His own father uttered an Islamic greeting, referring to allah, during the press conference at the White House and he has also said he wants every detainee released from Guantanamo.

Meanwhile, Saeed Abedini, an Iranian-American Pastor who converted to Christianity, is serving the first year of an 8 year prison term for working with the underground church in Iran and protecting Iranian Christians from persecution. He was also working to open orphanages in Iran. He has endured long stints in solitary confinement, according to his supporters, beatings and torture at the hands of his jailers and fellow inmates. For months, he has been “denied proper medical attention for his injuries, according to his family and attorneys.”

His wife has repeated appealed to congress and the President for his release with no response.

All this to say, that while events of this world and the news distress us, we shouldn’t be surprised by any of it. Jesus Himself said as such. Instead we need to be focused on keeping our eyes on the One who keeps us in His peace and holds us in His grace. While there is always much to worry and stress about in this life, there is more beauty still.

Lately, my prayer has been that I will wake up before it’s too late. I don’t want to live from weekend to weekend just getting by. Sometimes, those of us with particularly stressful jobs (and really, who doesn’t?) put ourselves on autopilot. When we do that, we fail to really see the people and situations around us.

There is so much to be thankful for every day. Time is flying by at warped speed and I don’t want to miss what God has for me. No matter what we might think about the current political climate, with eternity’s values in view, it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is our relationship to our Father and to each other.

And love, love always matters most of all.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. Philippians 4:8

 

A walk before sunrise……..

306099_4455180699622_1931130949_n

This morning I walked in the Holy hush of pre-dawn light before the fingers of the sun had yet to reach over the top of the Superstitions. A silent witness to the earth’s preparations, I was not a participant, only a watchful observer.

I saw newspapers shrouded in their wrappers……words waiting to be read over coffee or tea, dead words in their plastic shrouds. Life is out here, where I walked.

I passed Mama dove where she sat tucked in her nest inside the cactus, fluffy eyelids still closed in slumber. It was still too early even for her.

I passed the house with the big pickup truck that barely fits in the driveway and saw a cat sitting like a sentinel. A man approached with a dog on a leash and I wondered why the cat didn’t run…..the dog didn’t bark.

He saw me looking and exclaimed, “He usually comes with us, this time he didn’t want to.” I smiled and walked on. Rounding the next corner I saw hummingbirds already busy, hovering from blossom to blossom like little jettisons.

One paused to light on a branch and I called to him softly. There he was, so very small and yet what a contribution he made to my walk, what a presence.

Further on, I was treated to a flowering cactus with large trumpet like blooms……the bees too were wide awake. And all this before dawn……

As I made the turn down my street, the sun was a gold blaze shimmering behind the mountain, announcing her presence. The call of a quail came from a nearby rooftop…..rooster of the desert.

I thought that this too, even this quiet walking can be a form of worship, a form of prayer. All this walking, and watching and noticing is me agreeing with God that it’s all good.

All before dawn.

Meeting God in-between

IMG_4563

 The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands; nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation, that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; Acts 17:24-27

From little morning chore to little morning chore. That’s where I find Him. In the flat times too, when the air is still and the earth holds her breath, He comes to breathe life through His words, which I pick up first thing; Looking for hope in between its pages, I find it.

Poets might die, but the words always live on.

I wait here, in the Holy moment before life rushes around me on the bench by the garden as the shade pulls away slowly to reveal the scorch that is sure to come. I watch as the lone bee settles on the tomato blossom……doing what God made him to do.

The doves hover, waiting for the fountain and I marvel at the white stripes patterned on their wings as they fly off. Once again, I think that He has truly made it all good, as bad as this old world might seem as it groans on its axis along with us.

A new TV series called “Mistresses” would have been considered porn not long ago. And Dr. Phil is turning “Springer” with mediums and numerologists leading tearful, grieving people astray.

When someone tells you to consult mediums and spiritists, who whisper and mutter, should not a people inquire of their God? Why consult the dead on behalf of the living? Isaiah 8:19

It’s not wrong for them to want hope.

Meanwhile poets die, but the words always live on.

Hope is here.

He never left.

Meanwhile, the heat will not be deterred.

The desert settles in for the long haul, and so do God and I. Inside and outside of time,

we wait together.

RIP: Maya Angelou

IMG_4560

Elaine

I’ve never thought about how it would feel to have a Birthday on Memorial Day but she takes it in stride, happy for a day to celebrate both. Last night as we were watching the Memorial Day concert hearing about all those tearful testimonials, she looked over as I grabbed yet another tissue and said, “They died, you know…..so we could be here, doing this, enjoying life, being free.” Yes…..they did. So today as we celebrate them, I will also celebrate my best friend whose Birthday it is today.

She hasn’t had an easy week. The school schedule was crazy and she stayed late helping another lady with her bus at the end of the shift. By the time the day was over she was fatigued and ready for it to end, but then the care home called and she went by to check in on her Mom and ended up staying there for 3 hours, and taking she and one of the aides out to dinner. A long story goes with it but suffice it to say, by the time she got home she was spent.

My friend, Elaine spends a lot of time sacrificing for others. She may not be in the military, but she gets up each day with her boots laced and polished, as ready as any person in combat has to do. The fight or flight instinct kicks in early when you grow up with an abusive older brother and that never really goes away.

Even so, somehow she remained ever joyful, ever hopeful for things to change. She was the kid who got to know all the neighbors and did their lawns in the summer.

Much was expected and not much was returned and yet she is one of the most positive people I know and the most fun to be around. She’s one of those people who bring a party wherever she goes. If she’s in a room, you know it by the laughter that erupts soon after. She truly is a people person, and they know it.

Strangers tell her things and old people and kids gravitate towards her. Every Thanksgiving she ends up helping some older lady pick a Turkey out of the bin.

This kind of thing happens all the time. I will ask her about someone she talked to for 15 minutes and she will tell me all these incredible details about their life, in addition to what kind, make, color of car they drive, how many kids they have and what illness or heartache they are currently dealing with. And she doesn’t even pry, they just tell her voluntarily. She has one of those faces you trust.

She is a truly unique individual and I mean that in the best possible way. She is a fixer of people and things and she never likes to throw anything away if it can possibly be salvaged. She is always saying, “I can fix that.”

And usually always, she can.

So today, it’s a privilege for me to celebrate her life and her Birthday. She may not have ever been in the military, but she has fought many battles and won. And my wish for her today is that she would see herself how God sees her and know just how much He loves her and celebrates her too!

Happy Birthday, Elaine. You are a blessing to all who know you.

To my big brother on his day

10288_4136455531692_81519932_n

When we were young, you held my hand on the way to school, never embarrassed for your friends to see. And when you took the bike, you let me ride on the front bar side-saddle. Those were old days…..no helmets then.

I always felt protected then growing up, because you were around. We had our squabbles, and I still remember your Indian burns and stolen Tacobell you used to find late at night after I had hidden it to eat the next day.

I remember Birthdays where you were always happy to help out with the games, hiding behind the clothesline attaching prizes to fishing poles.

And I remember when I was in that fender bender on Christmas Eve and you came faster than anyone from the neighboring town.

I remember you teasing me about David Cassidy and the Monkeys, and Bobby Sherman.

But I also remember that you bought me the “Love Story” album and that Crystal snowflake necklace for Christmas.

And you might have been embarrassed to go see your sister sing at all those silly concerts, but I remember you went anyway.

And you were there at the greatest crisis of my life and that I will never forget.

Some people think you shouldn’t celebrate Birthdays once you get older but I don’t agree. I think we should never stop celebrating people, and life. Birthdays are a day to celebrate grace, to celebrate your individuality. So give yourself an extra portion today from me.

Because somehow you got here and made it through all those tough things. And when you think about it, each day is really a “Birth” day because we get a chance to start all over again.

God brought you this far, and it’s all been by His grace. So, today, there is one thing I want you to do.

It’s very important.

Today, give yourself permission to love yourself the way God loves you. And know that I am glad you were born, because if you hadn’t, my life would be missing something.

You, and a special someone else too.

IMG_1438