Prayer

Down to the River to Pray

Settled. The Prayer Closet found its new resting place here down by the river. I haven’t been able to find the peace to pray or write at all it’s been such a whirlwind of activity since we got here. We are comfortably settled in the RV (3 things broke soon after we got here but those have been fixed thankfully.) Helps so much to have a very handy best friend!

I am so thankful we have such a wonderful opportunity to stay here on my Aunt’s beautiful property. However long this season lasts I will be thankful to her for generosity. It’s good to be able to help her out with some things too. God is good.

Here I can feel and see nature all around me and hear the sounds of trains which I have always loved. I have missed the trains of my childhood, it’s good to have them back. There is something Holy about a train whistle….they bring with them (to me) a sense of longing and promise, and a bit of sadness to.

This morning I was treated to the sight of a white heron on the very top of a tree across the river. And our second day here I was greeted by the resident robin (Mrs. or Mr. I couldn’t tell). That of course was very important since robins have always held signs of promise to me.

The presence of the river is strong. Rivers always are. They carry things like dreams and hopes. We had our maiden voyage with the kayaks which was something we wanted to do since we got here. Coming back in was a sight to see. We laughed so hard we couldn’t catch our breath. Now we have a rope affixed to the tree to help pull us in!

Until next time, keep my Mom in your prayers, she is still struggling after her thyroid surgery several months ago. It hurts to see her not doing all the things she loves, but her attitude remains thankful and hopeful.

Also, pray for my friend Ron Green, who lost his wife, our dear friend Ruby. She is safe in the arms of Jesus now but he will need the strength of the Holy Spirit to keep going.

Blessings and peace to you all.

Faithful Friend

Confession

Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.  You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’  The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” John 3:6-8

I marvel when I think what a miracle it is that You would choose to live within this heart of mine, and even more when I think how long You have journeyed with me so peacefully and quietly, so graciously and so fully that I can no longer imagine a life without Your presence. You have made Your home in me and I know that if You were suddenly taken away I would know a fraction of hell itself. I say a fraction because only Jesus knew the full weight of that when You hid your face behind a cloud those hours on the cross.

I take you for granted, Lord and I know it. How often I have felt your warmth, your candle flicker in my soul as I pray. I have felt the mystery of two total strangers connecting and recognizing that they….we, are already joined as brothers and sisters. We greet each other as family…..connected by the blood of Jesus and union with You. How easily conversation flows, how easy laughter comes and joy leaps as we talk about the things of God.

It humbles me Lord, what you have taken from me. What thoughts and actions that you had to go along with….things that I did and have done that I had no business doing, going through doors you never meant me to go, all the while warning me in your quiet way knowing the sorrow I would have to face. And you faced it with me, truly you have always been my Comforter.

Help me Lord to give you cause for rejoicing in my actions and thoughts instead of grief.

Thank you for the special gifts you have given me, and continue to give. Anoint my writing Lord, and help it to bless and encourage others in their walk with you.

As I kneel at the rail of my heart once more it overflows with gratitude for the Spirit who will never let me go. Who makes me want to stay even after my candle has been snuffed out, even after the chill surrounds me as the warmth from my heater wears off.

I sit back down, longing to hear one more Word lest I miss it as I rush out the door……..

The Blessing

 Then little children were brought to Him that He might put His hands on them and pray, but the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” And He laid His hands on them and departed from there. Matthew 19:13-15
“I am doing a new thing with Lauryn now before she goes to her class,” my Mom said. “I lay my hands on her and pray a little blessing.” She saw someone do this on one of her Sunday morning shows. “I thought, why not do it for her.” So now right before she slings on her backpack and heads off to join her friends, my Mom holds both hands on a very fidgety child and says:
“The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face to shine upon you and give you peace.”
She went on to say that the first time she did it, she was wiggling around a lot, wondering what she was doing. “But now,” she says, “She expects it, and I think she likes it a little.” I verified this with my own eyes when I was there. She got this little mischievous smile that I caught on camera right after the prayer.
What a blessing to have a Grandma who prays for you………..and the laying on of hands? The Bible encourages it.
My Mom paused in her activity and said……..”Do you remember how you and I prayed before school by the fire?” Of course I do. I told her I blogged about probably more than once, and I know I have thanked her more than once too.
How could I ever forget those times? Just she and I in the warm glow of the firelight. She praying for a very unhappy teen aged daughter because she just didn’t know what else to do. I can still hear how she sounded, and feel her work-worn hands of love in mine. It makes me want to cry for the gratitude of her.
And it’s not like you are really praying for safety, because things do happen, despite the prayers before going out. It’s more like a release. It’s a way of saying:
I give you to the Lord, and no matter what happens, we will be okay.
And we will.
For this reason I remind you to kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. 2 Timothy 1:6,7

Two to a car

 
 
 
But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the Lord with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. Psalm 3:3,4
 
This morning I went out to pray like a monk, I was glad there was a hood on my sweatshirt, because all of a sudden it has turned cold…..cold for here anyway. As I lit my “prayer lantern” I sank into my chair and bowed my head. There are so many things I am thankful for, why do I feel such despair at times? I have a good job and people who love me. I am doing some writing and there are actually people who get something out of what I write. I am constantly surprised by joy over that.
 
But there is another thing I have been fighting, and it’s a big one. I hesitate to even write about it because I don’t think I can put it into words. And yet I must because writing is my way out….my way up.
 
I’ve been fighting this thing. It’s called “The Change.” There is a reason they call it that. I wondered and wondered why I have felt this way and it suddenly hit me.
 
I am grieving. Grieving who I was before.
 
Who has taken my old happy life and what have they done with it?
 
As it hit me, tears gushed. And part of it was the relief of knowing. The other part is the not knowing. I don’t know what waits on the other side of this tunnel. Every now and again normalcy touches down and I breathe a sigh of relief.
 
My faith holds me now. I howl like a wounded animal on the inside because I don’t want anyone to hear.
 
I walk down the Christmas aisles at the store and I want to cry. Pumpkin pie filling makes me cry. People being kind to me makes me cry.
 
I drive on the freeway and I feel the white heat of anger lashing out. I call unsuspecting people all kinds of names they don’t deserve. They are just trying to get home, after all.
 
I am losing what I fought so hard to get back when I starved myself.  The part of me that was always a reminder of health…..possibility….promise….life.
 
How do you let go of something you have had all your life? And who will I be on the other side of this…..will it make me less than I am right now?
 
How do you go about going through a change that will usher in the last phase of your life, especially when you still wear Miss Me jeans and buy your clothes in the junior section?
 
I got up and wiped my nose on my sleeve. And God gave me something, just a little vision of hope. I was sitting on the little train I used to ride at the Santa Cruz beach boardwalk. It was two to a car….And in the seat beside me: Jesus rode.
 
And He promised he would be with me all the way through. And I know He will, He’s a man of His word. Yes, there is much comfort in two to a car.
 
“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

Carpet fiber prayers

It was a “Carpet fiber” prayer morning. “Please Lord, help me get up and do this.” That’s all. My mind was churning at 2:00 AM. I tried reciting the 23rd Psalm, that usually works when I can’t sleep. Not this time. I felt overwhelmed. Life is complicated, people are complicated, and my shoulders were never meant to carry all this.

At break, all I wanted to do was go out to my car and be alone with Jesus.

When you are going through something, or your family is……the situation can become bigger than everything else. Even God.

In a recorded speech, Martin Luther Kings talks about a time when he considered giving up. He had just gotten another phone call, a death threat, threatening he and his whole family. Not long before he had been arrested and thrown in jail for driving 30 mph in a 25 mph zone. He was sitting at his kitchen table, a cold cup of coffee before him. He was trying to figure a way out. How he could turn it all over to someone else and go back to the quiet life of a scholar like he had planned. Here is how he describes that moment:

“I discovered then that religion had to become real to me, and I had to know God for myself. And I bowed down over that cup of coffee. I will never forget it……I prayed a prayer, and I prayed out loud that night. I said, “Lord, I am down here trying to do what’s right. I think I’m right. I think the cause that we represent is right. But Lord, I must confess that I’m weak now. I’m faltering. I’m losing my courage.”

It was then that he heard an inner voice…….”Martin Luther, stand up for righteousness. Stand up for justice. Stand up for truth. And lo I will be with you, even until the end of the world.”

Three nights later a bomb exploded on the front porch of King’s home, filling the house with smoke and broken glass but injuring no one. He took it calmly: “My religious experience a few nights before had given me the strength to face it.” We have all reached that crossroads, we ask the question: “How can I get out of this?” We can’t take another step. We want escape. But it is at that point where the Holy Spirit comes in and does what we can’t do. He takes over…….Peter was at that point after he denied Jesus, but what happened just a few days after that? The day of Pentecost!

A Mama’s Prayers

See, I will bring them from the land of the north
    and gather them from the ends of the earth.
Among them will be the blind and the lame,
    expectant mothers and women in labor;
a great throng will return.
They will come with weeping;
    they will pray as I bring them back.
I will lead them beside streams of water
    on a level path where they will not stumble,
because I am Israel’s father,
    and Ephraim is my firstborn son.
 
Jeremiah 31:8,9
 
Ever feel like you’re in exile? I think we all do at some point in life. Maybe you are in a job you hate but you know you need to stay there until retirement. Maybe you are in school and you feel like that is exile. Maybe, God forbid, you are in jail or prison. Wherever or whatever that exile is, you are not where you want to be yet.
 
As I have been reading through Jeremiah, I have wanted to get to the “good part.” Israel rebelled as a nation, adopted other religious practices that went against everything God and everything He stands for, even going as far as sacrificing their own children on altars to foreign gods. It is painful to read, knowing what’s coming.
 
Knowing they will be exiled from their homeland, expelled, taken into captivity. Again.
 
And yet, when I read these words, I thought about Israel today. I think about all they have had to go through as a nation and how God was faithful to His word. None of the powerful nations that went against them are around anymore, and Israel is still standing as a nation, as a people.
 
Flash forward to my life right now. And my life up to this point. How like Israel I have been, ignoring God, thinking I knew best, thinking I didn’t need church, breaking my Mom and Dad’s heart when I decided to give up food. And yet……
 
God was so merciful. He never left me. He brought me out of exile, back home where I belong.
 
I am at a crossroads at work right now, and as I was praying this morning, I knew that I had to once again, give it up to the Lord. I am burned out. There is no spark left in this fire.
 
And yet in other parts of my life the fire is blazing.
 
And anytime someone invites me to write or says what I wrote helped them? I am saved a little bit more.
 
There was a time long ago. God brought it to me again as I was praying this morning, like a sweet balm to my soul. All at once I was back home in front of the fire with my Mom. Tears sprang to my eyes as I remembered how she would get up in the morning before I got ready for High School and start a fire. She and I would watch 700 Club together, just the two of us.
 
And she would take my hand in hers, voice trembling, and pray for me.
 
She knew High School was my exile. It was so hard for me in so many ways. My Dad would have prayed too, but he was in his own exile at that time. A job he hated. And yet God brought him out of that too. Because of his never taking sick leave, he was able to retire at 62. A free man.
 
And because of my Mama’s prayers, I graduated and was removed from my exile too. Through it all God taught me the lesson of faithfulness, and never giving up because someone else is believing in you. And that God is with me wherever I go. And He caused some good things to happen in those four years too.
 
I wrote a poem for my favorite teacher back then, my music teacher Wylie Moffat. Even then words were longing to break free in me. He had it framed and it hung in his house up until he died. And my words were used on the cover of his memorial service bulletin.
 
Today, I am thankful for fireside prayers. They are still working.
 
Thank you Mom, for being so faithful.
 

Are you ready?

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:66-69

I had just finished reading John chapter 6 during my prayer time a few mornings ago. I closed my eyes as I digested all I had read……this chapter is swirling with action. I needed to reflect for a moment on all I had read. It was just getting light out and I heard a dove calling from a few houses away. My little candle was flickering away silently casting a reflection in the little shop window.

I was surprised by a question that was breathed into my heart…..I had just read that saddest of verses, the one where many of Jesus disciples hit the road. It was another instance where Jesus had just finished confounding people with the truth, and it wasn’t want they wanted to hear.

“Are you ready to be my Disciple?” that was the question I heard.

I sat there conflicted. “Of course I am,” I thought. But then I remembered how many of them ended up.

And what was required. Am I ready to take a plunge off a 500 foot drop? Am I ready to commit the rest of my life to a God who commands the wind and the rain? Who can speak the world into existence? Who is many times unpredictable and scary? Am I ready to go wherever He asks? Wherever He leads?

Then I thought about life itself. If someone would have asked me when I came into this world, knowing what I know now, all I would go through, would I have so been quick to say, “Bring it on?”  I most likely would  have said no, I am not ready. Who is ever ready? 

But do I want to do it anyway, also knowing what I know now? And has it been worth it thus far?

To that I can give a resounding, and emphatical “Yes.”

God, in His great wisdom, chooses to bring us through a bit at a time. He allows some pain for growth, but also baptizes us with joy and wraps us in His love and comfort through His Holy Spirit.

That is where I stand today and rejoice along with the 12, for as Peter so rightly said,  “To where would we go?”

Indeed.

Thank you Lord, for giving me the chance at this wonderful adventure of following you. Everything this world has to offer pales in comparison to what You have to give. Amen

I love you God, but…….

“Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the desert and came to Horeb, the mountain of God…….Exodus 3:1

“I love you, God…..” But after I said it, I could hear how it sounded to my own ears. What must it have sounded like to God’s? I was weary of myself so I could understand how He could be weary of me. Of my same prayers…….my same requests. I was feeling like a bad actor before a Holy God. And the act of sitting out there felt like a charade this morning.

Here I am Lord, again. Don’t you get tired of me Lord? I would if I were you. It was a prayer, but there was a “but” behind my “I love you” that didn’t belong.

If I knew how Holy the ground was beneath my feet, these Teva sandals would be off my feet in a New York minute. The truth is, sometimes it is just hard to feel the Holy when we are down here on what feels right now like a grubby little planet. The dirt and debris has piled up near the door from yesterday’s dust storm and I stepped through it to make my way to Him, to the place of our morning meeting.

I’m still the same old me. I have not lost the ten pounds I wanted to lose by the trip to California in July and the month is half over. I will shock everyone with the blinding white of my skin when I put on my bathing suit. I also need to dye my roots.

And today my prayers sounded more like exasperated sighs than reverence for you.

I wasn’t feeling it today. But I know better now. I have learned you can’t always trust feelings. I am, however haltingly, learning to trust Him.

I turned where He directed, to the story of Moses. I wanted to read about the bush that God lit with Holy fire and it didn’t burn up. And then God taught this slow learner another lesson. He showed me that Moses was a big bundle of inadequacy and nerves and fear just like me…..

The words were truth…..leaping out through the pages. Moses was just like me. Over and over again, he tried to convince God of all that he wasn’t.

But Moses protested to God, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?” 

God answered, “I will be with you.”

And later on……after God explained all the wondrous signs and miracles He would do, Moses protests once again……“What if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The Lord never appeared to you’?”

Lesson number two came when God told Moses to grab his staff which has now turned into a snake.

Sometimes you have to grab hold of that snake before God produces the miracle.

Moses then proceeds to work on God’s last nerve, and boy don’t I do that every single day?

Yet God is so full of love for Moses that he produces some help in the form of Aaron. Then the tears came and once again my love for God was as real as the flame in that bush. And there was my prayer, and this time it was real…..

And no buts about it.

A little bird told me

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31

This verse comes just about in the middle of Chapter 10 when Jesus is sending His disciples out two by two. I take comfort in how many times He told the disciples not to fear. I guess I shouldn’t take comfort in that, that they feared, but I do. Let’s face it, the world out there can be a scary place.

Each day He sends us out too, and we never know who or what we might run into.

I guess that’s why I like birds……they remind me that God takes record of every one that falls from the sky and He is taking care of me too.

When I look at this little guy, a little ordinary brown sparrow, I see a master Designer at work. I see a hundred different shades of grey, brown, tan. I look at how the feathers fold so neatly together, how those little feet can grip just about anything. Perfectly suited to their environment.

God has placed His Own Spirit within us, so that we may be totally effective. Not only that, like this little bird, when we are controlled by the Spirit, we are perfectly suited to go out into the world and be God’s hands and feet. But it’s a battle, no doubt about it. At times I read that list of the gifts of the Spirit and I see where I am glaringly lacking.

There are far too many times I take the Spirit places He should never be, with my thoughts, my words, my actions.

And yet, still He strives with me.

Sometimes I pretend, it’s just me and Jesus. And He’s giving me a pep talk in my morning prayer. That is what it really comes down to, every day.

Me and Jesus face to face. And In that moment when I meet Him, the world falls away, and nothing else matters. When He looks in my eyes, He sees my heart.

He still wants me.

In the Stillness

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering;  bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.  And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15

My prayers this morning were little more than breathing in and out. Some words came, I went down my usual list of those loved ones weighing heavy on my heart. And then as I remembered that sometimes it is okay to just be quiet and listen…..a curious thing happened.

I heard.

I heard the dove song and behind that, the freeway loading up with the morning commute. Another bird of a different kind further away. I retreated further into myself and listened for what the Holy Spirit might be praying for me. He does you know……when we can’t find the words of our own.

I picked up my old Living Bible that I had picked up off the bookshelf on the way outside. It was mine first, then my Mom’s. She carried it out  to me on the day I moved away from her, from my hometown….tears streaming down. Even now, the memory hurts because the years have flown by way too fast. I hold it to my chest, I hug it like I am holding her too.

I see my words, and hers on the front flap. Co-mingled together……Our thoughts of God married together on those pages.

My breathing slows and I meditate on the Lord and how He heals us, draws us together.

I whisper His language…..the one He gave to me, and in between the silent pauses where Heaven and earth connect……We connect, and He tells me again, that it will be okay.

Isn’t it wonderful to know that by thanking Him, we honor Him? And not only that, thanking Him does something supernatural to our heart and soul. It sifts out all the worry and fear and stress, replaces it with joy and peace. It reminds us that God is still and always in control.

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A good appointment at the Doctor for Elaine and her Mom, he saw the situation as it really was, and took time with them. It was like an SOS call that was answered.

First week at new building at work and it wasn’t as stressful as I thought it would be.

Good weather holding out……knowing that soon it will be too hot to go outside for very long.

Good memories made from the trip to California.

School time again for those parents and caregivers who need a break.

New Easter flag flying, bright against the sky.

As we get ready to celebrate the week of Passion once again, we know that really, each sunrise we celebrate Easter all over again.

Found rings, which I looked all over for in a panic yesterday, they turned up in the back pocket of my jeans which I had look through three times already!

Pictures that turn out, most of the time by accident and the fact that I have a really good camera.

Lunch after church……always a special time of the week.