Fighting the Change

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live 20 and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Deuteronomy 30: 19,20

I awoke this morning with a familiar feeling, one I didn’t like. I was flat. Not happy, not depressed……just flat. I am in the beginning stages of that place in life known as, dare I say it? “the change.” Sshhhh, I won’t say it out loud. I didn’t use bold face type or big letters. It is not a real uplifting topic for women, (or the men who live with them.) But it is a reality.

I had a choice in that moment. To settle for how I felt, or to fight for something better. That is what it really comes down to each and every day. A choice for life or death. Victory or defeat. So I got up, grabbed some coffee and sought life in the pages of the book that was lying on the floor by the bed. The one that gives life…….I flipped open to Corinthians and there I found this verse:

“For thanks be to God, who always leads us to triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place, for we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.” 2 Corinthians 2:14,15

God has taught me that I don’t have to settle. I don’t have to slog through the day feeling like this.

I can have victory in Christ.

As I rustled through those pages, I started to feel more like life and less like death. And I realized something else. If I had settled for that feeling? I would have missed the beautiful fragrance that the people in my life are giving off, because they are making the choice to get up and give life to me. And I don’t want to miss it.

I don’t want to have to apologize because I have been so focused on myself that I don’t see the hurt in your eyes for being ignored, not appreciated, not valued.

We all have heard about muscle memory. Trained athletes know it. The muscle remembers. But so does the mind.

That is what I remembered with tears this morning on the way to work. I remembered how I had to fight for life after my healing from anorexia. The healing of my mind had to come first, but then I had to begin the long battle of healing my body. You don’t starve your monthly cycle away without having to work hard to get it back.

I remembered getting up in the dark before anyone else was awake, and running….just running. In the cold and in the dark all I heard was my feet slapping on pavement and my heart pounding, my breath coming out in puffs. I didn’t want anyone to see me because I felt I was repulsive. I had ballooned to 125 pounds from 80, largely from fluid buildup that came from wreaking havoc with my hormones.

But morning after morning, I got up, I went out, I fought back.

And today, I can smile on that victory. Because God heard the prayers of hurting parents, and He heard me too, down there hitting the pavement. He was with me.

Later, after I felt a bit more confident my Dad went with me. It was good, just he and I running together. And someone else I didn’t even know was watching too. I later learned that my future husband watched us run from the window of Flame liquors where he worked for years. After we met he told me this. Life is amazing isn’t it?

I can rejoice now in the suffering, because of the victory at the end. Because much of life is getting back up over and over again, no matter how you feel and fighting back, because you know life is always worth it.

Restoration and light and life waits at the end of the road. And once we’ve come through? We can help each other find the way out.

When you have had part of your life ripped away is when you begin to know the true value of it.

All over the world today, people making the choice. Some even when it would be much easier to choose death.

Choose life with me today?

Prison Break

“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

I have been trapped in a spirit of oppression lately. I have labeled it work because that is the easiest thing to blame. There has been much stress there, but the main stress has been within myself. Sometimes we just lock ourselves up in prison all over again, even when we know down deep, that once upon a time Christ set us free.

The circumstances of life make us forget.

And I had to be honest. I had to admit, first of all, that there were very valid reasons why I was stressed. Sometimes it doesn’t help to label all the reasons why you shouldn’t be stressed, or fearful, or depressed. I acknowledged my blessings…..I do everyday.

I see the pictures of the flooding, and the wrecked houses, and lives, and I know that is not me.

And I thank God everyday for what I have, and it is a lot. And everyday I have many moments of joy, but there was something that wasn’t right under the surface.

And though I don’t have to worry about food, or live in a mud hut, or fear that I might be raped at any second as so many women in other countries do…….or fear for my life.

The exhaustion I felt as I held my head in my hands yesterday was real. On the way to work today I felt much the same. Head pressed to the carpet, I prayed just to get up and go in. To put a step in front of the other and keep going in that direction.

For some reason, the words kept coming back to me when I was driving……..

“My chains hit the ground…….my chains hit the ground……my chains hit the ground.” Just like the song we sing in church just about every Sunday. Yesterday, it was the other song about freedom. “My sins are gone….I’ve been set free…..my God, my Savior has ransomed me…” and I didn’t know why.

But now I do.

Because God wanted to tell me something. And this morning He whispered it to my heart so I could hear.
He said…….“Lori, you need to embrace your freedom.” Just that. And immediately I knew it was the truth because tears sprang. I had forgotten my freedom and put myself in a prison of my own making.

My chains are gone……I’ve been set free.

And today right now, I feel better. And another praise, a big one. Elaine passed all her Commercial driving tests today. There is now a new bus driver in the Apache Junction School District. A new path has opened for her, and I just know God is going to bless all those kids through her.

Thank you Lord!

When we forget where our help comes from

I look up to the mountains—

does my help come from there?

My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth!

He will not let you stumble;

the one who watches over you will not slumber.

Indeed, he who watches over Israel

never slumbers or sleeps.

The Lord himself watches over you!

The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.

The sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon at night.

The Lord keeps you from all harm

and watches over your life.

The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,

both now and forever.

Psalm 121

It’s easy to forget where our help comes from sometimes. As I prayed yesterday, my face to the carpet, in whispers of desperation, “My shoulders are not big enough, Jesus, they are so small…..” as tears threatened, “not nearly big enough to carry the sorrows and heartaches of loved ones back home, loved ones here, as well as my own, I can’t do it.”

And I realized my foolishness when His quiet reply came to my heart, “You were never meant to carry them, child, but I can, and not only that, I want to!”

I am so sorry Jesus……I kept you on the back shelf, again.

Why do we try to carry what we never meant to, I wonder? Sometimes we Christians think we are supposed to be strong enough, as people of faith. We tell ourselves things like we shouldn’t be stressed because we have the Lord, after all.

I got up after my very short prayer and went outside. The morning was cool and beautiful……Elaine came out with me, already awake. She knew how hard my first day back would be, she knew the burdens I carried, because people already carrying big burdens recognize when others are buckling under the load.

We sat at the patio table as God colored the sky an impossible shade of violet and pink. She told me of a radio program she liked listening to from 5-6:00 in the morning, about stocks and bonds and finance. I loved that she wanted to share it. It was like a gift exchange sitting there, she and I in the quiet morning.

It was so peaceful, that little conversation, Heaven touching earth, because He was there too.

As she talked, light filled the sky and I kept on sitting. As I rose from my chair I said, “I better make a call.”

I didn’t go in, I couldn’t go in, not yesterday.

And it was okay. Because sometimes the truth is that though you may not feel physically sick, you feel sick at heart, sick from stress. But sick is sick, and it’s okay to be weak sometimes.

As long as we remember who it is that is strong.

I want to wish a very Happy Birthday to my Dad, who is 84 years young today!

Today’s picture is for you, Dad. Almost 40 years ago we climbed this mountain together, what a time we had!

The Dangers of Assumption

Two are better than one,

Because they have a good reward for their labor.

For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls,

For he has no one to help him up.

Ecclesiastes 4:9,10

Do me a favor today? If you live with someone, walk across the room and grab their hands and look in their eyes and ask them if everything is okay. Even if you think everything is alright.

They may smile, shake their head and pull away, or think you’re being silly. They might giggle or laugh self-conciously. But then again they might surprise you and words might come tumbling out. Words they have been waiting to share.

Chances are, if you are living with someone, you have settled into a routine of what you call normal. Maybe one person is more silent, and the other one’s the talker. And usually it works. Life hums along. But when stress and life and circumstance come beating against the door, the seismic pattern shifts. All of a sudden what worked yesterday, is broken today.

Maybe it happened so gradually that you didn’t even notice. But now the silence is deafening and you, being the quiet one, pull in even further. You think maybe leaving them alone in their silence will fix it…..make the problem go away. But it never will.

If someone you love is quiet and they usually aren’t, something may be drastically wrong, and more silence won’t fix it.

They will wonder why you are leaving them alone………They will wonder why you are leaving them to battle it out all my themselves…….They will wonder if you care at all.

Learn from me……..I have made this mistake in the past, and I am sure I will again, of assuming that everything is okay, and then being shocked into awareness that things are very much not okay.

Leave a note in your wallet if you have to. Take it out and read it again and again.

Then do what it says.

Talk.

The Alzheimer’s Institute

I accompanied Elaine to the Alzheimer’s Institute yesterday with her Mom.We entered through a shady entry with the biggest ficus trees I have ever seen. It was eerily quiet. We were 30 minutes early. You always have to start out early going anywhere in Phoenix, you never know what you might run into on the freeway.

The doors opened and we were ushered into the land of Nod. There was one man there, a very nice man who turned on the lights for us. He even brought us coffee. Elaine’s Mom, ever grateful and right on cue said, “This is the worst coffee I have ever tasted….” Said me, “I thought it was pretty nice of him to bring it to us.”

I have to say, it was a pretty impressive setup. They even had a library full of books and resources and computers you could use. Of course I was drawn to that.

Sitting there, we watched the staff start to trickle in. When you are with Joyce you can’t be surprised at what might come out of her mouth. One skinny but well dressed woman breezed through in a flowing dress and tennis shoes. She must walk to work. Said Joyce, out loud…..”That woman has some big feet.” I don’t think the woman heard her. Elaine always says, “Someday she is going to get me killed.”

We all traipsed back when the Doctor called us out to go through the results of the question and answer session. I listened as he went through his routine. Not much was surprising or new. He was youngish, and very nice looking and had a kindly manner.

My mind was running a ticker tape of answers as he addressed them both. Inside I was shouting.

Doctor: How is the depression?

What does she have to be depressed about, she has two people waiting on her hand and foot. She has the life of a Diva right now. What about the caregiver? She is emotionally bankrupt and overdrawn?? What about our depression?

Doctor: Her weight seems good.

Of course her weight is good. Her daughter makes two and sometimes 4 meals a day for her, why wouldn’t her weight be good.

Doctor: So there plenty of family and resources around to help out? Joyce said something to the affirmative. I wanted to laugh out loud…..

No, Doctor, you are looking at the one and only resource here. And she’s running on empty.

I finally had to speak up and make sure that Elaine as the sole caregiver would get some help. He assured us that someone would be in contact within two weeks. Okay, then.

All in all I would have to say it was a positive experience. It is geared to the patient and that is as it should be, however one thing I would change is that the caregiver should also be looked at as a patient. Statistics have proven that many times caregivers develop their own health issues and even die as a result of giving themselves over totally to the one they are caring for. I think they would do well to include some time alone with the Doctor so they can talk freely about their own needs.

In the meantime, I am working on memorizing 1 Corinthians 13:1-7. God has His work to do on me……

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

The Desert Speaks

For the LORD’s portion is His people;

Jacob is the place of His inheritance.

“He found him in a desert land

And in the wasteland, a howling wilderness;

He encircled him, He instructed him,

He kept him as the apple of His eye.

Deuteronomy 32:9,10

Monday was a tough day……It was a day where months, actually years of stress caught up and culminated in words that have been bottled up far too long. It had to be said……and she had to get out. So we went…..fast. Destination: Anywhere but there. Caregivers of the very demanding understand this need to escape.

Who knows whether the words stuck. They were probably forgotten within 10 minutes.That is the thing with Alzheimers, you never know what sticks and what doesn’t. She is not at the stage where she would be in danger alone……yet, although that will come. So we went.

No one tells you. The rules change daily. What is okay one day is met with anger and denial the next. A day trip was necessary, crucial…..sanity was precariously balanced on the edge of a very fine line.

Grabbing my camera I said, “Let’s go to Globe, they have old buildings and it’s not too far away.”

And God gave one of His unexpected little surprises, well actually two. A call came on her cell while we were driving around……cousin Sandra, two states away. A welcome voice from someone who understands the situation and everyone involved. Healing balm for a hurting heart.

Driving along I saw some pretty plants and a sign that said, “Botanical Gardens.” We stopped and found a neat surprise there, a place called Besh Ba Gowah “Place of Metal” Archaeological Park. The name is referring to the mining that took place there. It was an old Salado pueblo ruins that had been excavated and partially reconstructed.

We paid our 4 dollars and were invited to watch the 15 minute video, which we skipped. My camera was itching in my hands….God gave a gift……Sometimes He speaks in desert blooms. It was like He was saying……….”This is for you………”

and so is this……..

This one reminded me of a fire-cracker…..

As we walked through, we heard the Spirit speak in birdsong…..saw the glory of Him in the blooms that even thorns do not prevent…..

heard His whisper on the breeze,

Telling us all the while that He loved us and longed to give us rest……

In His Presence……

it was very good.

Thank you, my friend. I am so glad you insisted we get away.

You knew how much I wanted a camera day.

It was one of those God things that it turned out like it did.

Speak Words of Life!

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Colossians 3:21

If you speak negative words over your children, you are cursing their future. Moreover, God will hold you responsible for destroying their destiny. With authority comes responsibility, and you have the responsibility as the spiritual authority over your child to make sure that he feels loved, accepted and approved. Joel Osteen, “Your Best Life Now”

Imagine a best case scenario for a book lover. You have a neighbor who is an Amazon seller who leaves you all the books she thinks you would be interested in. She comes like a book fairy and leaves them on my porch swing, or by the door. Each delivery is like a bit of Christmas. This is how I happened upon the Joel Osteen devotional book. I am going to stay far away from a discussion on “Prosperity Gospel Theology.” That is for God to sort out. I don’t believe that if we say and do the right things we will be rich and healthy. I just don’t think it is in the cards, or anywhere in Scripture. Having said that, I can see the value in some of what he says, for instance:

“Negative words will cause our children to lose the sense of value God has placed within them. As parents, we have a responsibility before God and society to train our children, to discipline them them when they disobey, to lovingly correct them when they make wrong choices.”

Our words carry tremendous weight, and negative and destructive ones can leave a child in ruins emotionally, dealing with the by-products and after-effects many years into their adult life. We don’t hear much positive these days. What they put on the news is mostly bad. TV shows that criticise and humiliate people get the ratings. Even the humor is often cruel and sarcastic.

People are hungry for a good word. A positive word. A happy message. I think that is a big part of why Joel Osteen’s pews are filled. Is there someone in your life today who is determined to stamp out your optimism? Your peace? Someone that seeks to drag you down into their muck and mire? If you are filled with God’s Holy Spirit today, let me tell you that they don’t have that power. They may choose to live that way, but you as a child of God, do not!

This much is true…….A blessing is not a blessing until it is spoken. It is not enough to think it; you must vocalize it. Your children need to hear you say words such as, “I love you. I believe in you. I think you’re great. There’s nobody else like you. You are one of a kind.” Daily Readings from Your Best Life Now

Really, we could all use some words like that. As gifts to each other, and also to ourselves……

Tomorrow I will post about how the Bible says to stay positive when you have someone determined to tear you down with their negativity.

Peace Be Still…..

“He said to them, “Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?” Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it became perfectly calm. The men were amazed, and said, “What kind of a man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?” Matthew 8:26,27

The people of Japan are experiencing the horrific effects of a massive earthquake. The footage is heart-breaking. To see homes, buildings, streets washed away is devastating. It was unexpected and there is never any preparation for something like that….It happened around 2 PM right in the middle of a work day. The fear is resulting Tsunamis up and down the coast…..

The truth is, there are all kinds of Tsunamis in life. My best friend feels like she is standing in the midst of one right now. She is under so much stress she actually forgets to breathe. She has the burden of taking care of both elderly parents, neither one of whom can get around, one suffering from Dementia and one from Alzheimer’s. Most of the time, they don’t talk, they bark orders.

She feels like her world has stopped, and it pretty much has. Life is going on normally without a hitch for others, but hers has stalled out. There is no time for herself. And it is affecting her health…..Life can feel very much like you are standing in the middle of an earthquake that is still going on. Nothing feels stable, nothing can be planned, because the job is never over………Whether it is a natural disaster, or a family problem, the symptoms are the same. Stress is stress, and the body doesn’t know the difference. It screams, fight or flight.

She longs to hear the words of Jesus, “Peace Be Still.” Oh, how she wishes she could be still, just for a moment. How she longs to be in that boat with Him.

Hear the wind cease…..feel the torrential wind die down……hear the sound of the waves lapping gently against the boat…..

But she can. As believers we have the assurance that He is keeping us. That He is here with us, this He has promised us. His peace is for us. And we have help…..”But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you. Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid.” John 14: 26,27

Know right now……..He is keeping you. You may not feel Him there, but you know He is. You have not blown up, hit anyone, exploded, and you are still laughing at times. He is keeping you…..and He will continue to keep you. Sometimes it just boils down to that. And one minute, one hour at a time.

When I was writing this post I remembered this song that was popular back in the seventies….

“Put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the water

Put your hand in the hand of the man who calmed the sea

Take a look at yourself and you can look at others differently

By puttin your hand in the hand of the man from Galilee….”

(As recorded by Ocean) GENE MACLELLAN 1970

I am so glad I know that Man, and so glad my friend does too…….Please pray for those in Japan today and all others affected by stress of all kinds. If you can, help them carry their burden today…..

Waiting for the Fog to Lift

He sat there alone in his island of grief.

I could feel it from where I sat, I recognized it, remembering.

Just what is it we’re afraid of when someone is grieving?

That if we are too close we will catch it?

“Go over there” the Holy Spirit whispered.

I waited all day, awkward as I passed his desk each time.

Do I really want to go back there,

To that dark place I knew long ago?

“I don’t even know him,” I argued.

“But you know it” God said.

Yes, I do know it, I walked that path long ago.

And making contact, saying I understand, is a bit of going back to that grief.

That dark place.

I waited all day, and then tentatively, having to cross the room anyway,

I walked by his desk.

Said I was sorry for his loss,

Stuttered and stammered a bit.

I said the only words that really matter at a time like that.

“I lost a spouse too.”

And as I looked into his eyes I saw it.

Saw what I felt all those years ago.

Recognized it, felt it.

I pray that He recognized the same grief in my eyes.

That he knew that I knew.

More important than words.

We touched souls.

There is a consolation in going through terrible things once we have reached the other side. That we may help others find the way back though the fog. I remember so well, those first few weeks back at work. I was almost superhuman, but at the same time, moving through a pea soup fog, that made moving extremely difficult. Everything was labored. Life was going on all around me, but it was all outside. I was locked inside.

We may feel ineffective, like we don’t have the words. Many times we don’t. So don’t say anything. Just sit there a moment with your arm around them. Maybe shed a tear with them. Just don’t leave them alone. I can’t express how much the kind actions of others meant to me at that time. Yes, there were the stupid comments, the thoughtless comments. But all these years later, it is the kindness that emerges, that still at times moves me deeply.

The fog did lift. It always does.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3,4

This picture was taken by Andrew Schmidt at publicdomainpictures.net. I have always loved fog except for the danger of it. I was raised in the fog of San Joaquin county. It would come in so thick you couldn’t see the house across the street. I loved the way it surrounded everything, swallowed everything up. I liked the closeness of it. I never forget that on an extremely foggy day, I had the most incredible spiritual touch from God that I have ever had. That experience has never left me. However, the fog did get depressing at times, and it is extremely scary to drive in it.

Clay jar or crystal pitcher?

“Give your entire attention to what is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” Matthew 6:34 The Message

I lost a day to worry. That opened the door to depression. Thinking about events on “the road ahead.” I was bogged down and I couldn’t see things clearly. I have touched on the fact that I am a worrier before. But Jesus commands us not to worry. This is a problem if I want to live for Him! I hate to think of the many moments and days I have wasted on events that may or may not happen. It all comes down to one thing…..When I worry I am living for myself and not for God. When I worry I am taking Him off the throne of my heart and life!

Paul was having some discouraging moments dealing with the Corinthian church. He was right in the thick of things, not like me, worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, he was fighting a real battle. I can imagine that he was in prayer, and God spoke to him about the clay jars lining the walls. I can imagine him feeling as humble and lowly as one of those jars. But God showed him how valuable he was and he spoke these very wise words……

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

Paul knew where his strength was, I forgot for awhile. A few weeks ago out of the blue I thought of a song that I sang years ago. I had totally forgotten about it, but as I remembered it tears sprang to my eyes. That particular time, life was simpler (or maybe it just seemed so)……I was young and life was not so complicated. I had yielded myself to God and I saw His power work through me in a way that I never forgot.While I was thinking of that song a beautiful image came to my mind, an image of a crystal pitcher with clear water being poured into it. I have wondered about it ever since. Then this morning I read this:

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb.” Revelation 22:1

I think He was trying to tell me that He sees me as that crystal pitcher filling with the water of life……His life. Most days I feel just like that little clay jar, humble, weak and scarred; yet He has poured His pure Spirit inside of me and even now is turning me into that Waterford crystal vase, sparkling with His life, reflecting His light for all to see. He sees me as the finished product already and wants me to see myself that way too!

This is the comfort I bring today…….”For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

If Paul can carry on right in the thick of the battle, I can surely carry on when the things I am worried about haven’t even happened yet!

Lori's Prayer Closet

"And when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you……"Matthew 6:6

depression