Anxiety

Could it possibly be?

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven–Ecclesiastes 3:1

There is a reason they call it “THE CHANGE.” As in, not a change, but the change. The mother of all changes. No I don’t think I can write about this, it is too painful. I have been on the other side of the change all my life. So far, I have dipped my toes in that river that takes me to the other side, and I don’t much like how it feels.

It comes with certain symptoms that I remember seeing in my older female relatives. I am ashamed to say that I snickered when they suddenly bolted from the table, looking like might implode from the inside out. I am sure of one thing, I am much too young for this despite what I read on the Web MD. And if I hadn’t read the symptoms? I would probably just have gone on denying it.

To make it worse, when I read some of these off to my very supportive best friend, she said, “That’s nothing new, you’ve been that way ever since I’ve known you…” Ouch.

Usually once a night, sometimes more, I wake up and run for the freezer for my little handy ice wrap thingy. The other night I stumbled out there, the cats blearily looking at me, (they know by now that this is normal, and not time for food yet.)

I velcroed the wonderful coolness around my neck and feeling the chill,  fell back asleep. I really don’t remember putting it on so tight, but I was really really hot. When I awoke awhile later it had lost it’s coolness and felt like a warm boa constrictor. That set off a panic attack. I turned instantly clautrophobic and when I finally wrestled it off I had to laugh in spite of myself. What must I have looked like?

It was a tough night.

I just want to know why they call it Menopause, do Men go through the change too? Not that that is what is happening to me mind you.

One Little Word

“I was a stranger and you welcomed me…….”
“That you may welcome her in the Lord in a way worthy of the saints…….”
“The native people showed us unusual kindness, for they kindled a fire and welcomed us all……..”
“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house…….”
It was only a simple little sign that said, “Welcome.” My Aunt had tacked it up close to the place we’d park so we would be sure to see it when we came in. To really see that sign for what it was, you would have to understand the million painful steps of grief and stress it took to get there. The welcome behind that little sign said it all…….It meant finding a place of peace for a few short days. It meant, I am glad to have you here….you are wanted, appreciated. You are safe.
When you give someone a welcome, you have no way of knowing how great that impact will be. Or maybe you do. You never know what someone is facing, where they are on their journey or how far that journey has taken them. To someone, your welcome might mean that they can keep going on, that it’s worth it….that they are worth it. And just maybe, our welcome is their last hope.

Welcome in our eyes, welcome with open arms, welcome with words of softness.

Being welcomed is like coming in out of the cold and led to a crackling fire and a steaming mug of something to wrap your hands around.

Being made to feel unwelcome is like being cast out into a raging storm. It can be the loneliest feeling in the world.

There is a world of people out there who are scarred and hurting from past rejection. They have learned not to trust, yet they really want to. And everytime we are kind, we are participants in healing over those old scars. And really, don’t we all need some healing?

I will never forget the sting I felt when I was at a family gathering long ago. The mother couldn’t remember my name and referred to me as “What’s her name….” then they proceeded to go off to a different place and put their chairs in a circle. It was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced. I never want to make anyone feel like I felt that day.
And yet I know at times that I have…….God still has a lot of work to do on me.
And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ Matthew 25:40

Just for today

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. 13 No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 4:12-14

My prayer journal this morning:

Just for today, Lord, help me to embrace this day, knowing that each day holds hope with You. Help me not spend too much time in the past or future, for that robs the present. Too much time thinking about the path behind me leads to over-analyzing and regret that paralyzes my actions today. I want to see today in full color, Lord and not miss the moment.

And help me also, not to waste time worrying about the future. Try as I might, I can’t see what’s around the bend. And if I try to run ahead, I realize that is not part of Your plan. Every time you obscure what I am so desperately trying to figure out.

Help me to learn the lesson of the manna…….only enough for one day and one day only.

You have placed me right here in this present and it’s no accident. You meant for me to be right here. In this decade, year, month……day…..moment.

These moments are manna…….while fluffy manna floating down out of Your hand, a precious gift.

I can eat my fill of everything you give me, right now today, and now that I will have enough tomorrow and the next, until I am where You are. Help me to honor you by staying in this present you have given me, and know that I can treasure the past and look forward to my future.

Knowing it is secure in You.

Grace Blows Through Our Days

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

Not only that, He rose for us too……In light of those two facts, everything else in this life can be worked out. Some days are good mostly all the way through, but the average day holds a bit of everything mixed in. Just living in this world is a challenge. Yesterday was a hodgepodge but overall it was good. The usual worries cycled through my head on the way to work. I started to pray and stared off into the road ahead, my thoughts veer off as I hold study to the wheel.

The weather was beautiful and a bit cloudy, all the more beautiful since May and June are coming, and that’s when the heat starts.  In my heart are the usual faces I send up into the throne of Grace.

I think of my brother, who works for The City of Stockton, a whole city on the brink of bankruptcy. He is caught like so many loyal employees, in the middle. Unsure of his job, unsure of his retirement, having to decide whether to let go and move on, or stay onbeard a sinking ship. A dear friend texted me yesterday, going through many hardships with a son, so much hurt, so much hardship, I could feel the pain in the middle of all the words flashing across my phone…..And my dear friend battling daily her own health issues as well as her Mom’s Alzheimer’s…..

And no matter how someone says, “It’s not really them, it’s the drugs…..it’s the Alzheimer’s…..it’s the whatever” that’s doing it, you still feel the betrayal, the indifference like a knife in your heart. You still feel the fatigue of moving through quicksand each day.

And yet…..there are moments of joy, moments of grace wound throughout our days. We know we are more than conquerors, after all, it’s in the very lifeblood and DNA of our faith and it will not let us go. God gives us a supernatural hope that makes it possible to go on…..even be an encouragement to others.

There was an NPR article about the City of Stockton on the net yesterday and I felt a pang in my heart….so many good people who worked so hard to make a downtown, a marina, a beautiful park where people would want to come with their children, enjoy the weather, live life, and now it is all in jeopardy due to gross mis-management and politics and who knows what all else.

And when my brother got home to tuck into the meatloaf my Mom had made, she said he had a quizzical expression as he said, “Did you do something different to this?” Right away she knew what it was and burst out laughing. She remembered being sidetracked when she saw the syrup bottle on the counter right by the meatloaf. It was left out. And you know that when you have a special needs child around, you have to be on your toes. Lauryn had decided that the meatloaf needed a sauce…..a syrup sauce. In her mind it made perfect sense. Oh how I wish I could have been there watching her when she did it.

In the process, she gave her Daddy and Grandma, and me, when she told me about it last night, a good laugh.

And right then, we felt God’s good grace in what a little girl did.

What is scattered in me….

 

Is someone among you in trouble? He should pray. Is someone feeling good? He should sing songs of praise. James 5:13

Let all who take refuge in you be glad. Let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, so that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, Oh Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround then with favor as a shield. Psalm 5: 11,12

“In all things that I contemplate as I am consulting you, I find no secure place for my soul except in you. And in you, I pray that what is scattered in me may be brought together, so that no part of me may be apart from you.


Sometimes when you are working within me, bringing my scattered self to you, you draw me into a state of feeling that is unlike anything I am used to, a kind of sweet delight. I know that if this spiritual state were made permanent in me it would be something not of this world, not of this life….” St. Augustine, confessions 10

I started to write something below this quote but realized it is perfect just the way it is……..No addition needed. Also, my dear Mom turns 83 today. I am so glad she was born, and not just because she had me! She is a miracle all by herself. I love you Mom!

I once was lost…..

“My people have been lost sheep.
Their shepherds have led them astray;
They have turned them away on the mountains.
They have gone from mountain to hill;
They have forgotten their resting place. Jeremiah 50:6

Ever feel lost? I had a lost day yesterday. I felt misplaced at my workplace. All this restructuring, tearing down walls, closing off areas, all in the name of reorganization. And it does look nice, very nice. I’d say it was a vast improvement, except I couldn’t find anyone. Nobody sits where they did before. They are reshuffling us all. Soon we will be moving next door to a new building. This place where I have been for about 5 years new will probably be used for storage…..And the other day I came in and the landscapers had been here in our back patio. They removed many shrubs and moved our poor Intel cat’s food and sleeping igloo so it was right out in the open. She was nowhere to be found.

I know how she feels…….I was wandering around looking for our admin yesterday too. I finally found her at the very end of the day. And Steve, my faithful good soul of a buddy, who takes care of the poor adandoned cats people dump in our parking lot, has also moved next door. I found him on the phone, it was good to hear a familiar voice.

In this life, it’s easy to feel lost sometimes. Let’s face it, we are foreigners here. It’s like someone has shifted all the pieces of the puzzle and we have to figure out where we belong again. But then, my Father reminds me just where I belong. My place is forever secure, safely resting in Him. I know where I belong….but sometimes He has to remind me. He knows what a scary place this is…….

And what a comfort it is when He does remind me.

When everything around you looks or feels unfamiliar, remember where you belong. Settle back into His loving arms, and know that….

He will never let you go.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

image source: http://www.uproxx.com/

Lost and found peace.

“When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what are mere mortals that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?” Psalm 8:3,4
that you care for me?

 

Yesterday was a no good, terrible bad day for me. I wanted nothing more than to go back home, tuck myself into a warm corner and pet my cats.
I wasn’t getting any warm fuzzies from my work atmosphere. It was several things.
We found out the day before that someone from my group went out on a medical leave. That means I may have to work Christmas week. The week I planned to take off. The week I sacrificed my Thanksgiving for.
So right now I can’t really plan anything until I find out.
I was irritable all day. I didn’t want to be at work, or really be anywhere but home. Then about midshift as we were recovering from something else, we lost pressure in the factory. When that happens, my hyper-sensitive multimillion dollar tools log themselves down. I saw red on all 3 of my computer screens…….instantaneously.
In our world, as in most of the rest of the world, green is good, red means trouble.
Some days it seems nothing is settled. It is as if everything is suspended…..hanging in the balance. Unsettled.
That is how I felt yesterday, like someone snatched my peace away and I really wanted it back.
Despite how I was feeling…..I had to notice how beautifully the moon was peeking out from the clouds. It was like we were playing hide and seek all the way to my parking lot. It was yellow and full, and as always, it inspired reflection……What is it about the moon that does that for me?
Always awe, with a bit of melancholy thrown in. And always hope.
You can’t stare at the sun for long, but the moon invites us to gaze long.
The sun blares forth it intentions…..to give light, and warmth. While the moon does more….she flirts and makes us fall in love. So quietly she comes out that at times we might even forget she is there, but then how stunningly she makes us remember! 
The moon brought me to work and reminded me that God is still in control even when nothing else is.
And this morning I was reminded again as I crossed the parking lot. As I glanced across the parking lot at the tallest crane in the Western hemisphere, where our new factory is being built, there she was again.
Peeking out through the bend in the crane, high up in the sky.
Reminding me that we can build our buildings and make billions of dollars but we can’t place the moon just so in the sky.
That’s control, that’s God!  

When all other lights go out

In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:4, 5

There is no darkness so deep that the light of Christ cannot penetrate it. He is the light, in fact. Light originated with Him. There is nothing in our lives that is so dark, so powerful, so strong, that it is beyond His reach. There is nothing in me that He can’t fix!

At times I tend to forget my greatest resource, especially when the darkness closes in around me. In times past my first instinct was to panic or try to figure a way out. Sometimes it still is. I am a bit quicker now to pray first, but many times I still get the order mixed up, panic, escape, with prayer coming last.

Love is patient.

One of the most memorable scenes for me in the  Lord of the Rings  was when Frodo was in that terrible dark cave with that awful giant spider. Let me tell you, as someone with a lifelong fear of spiders there could be no worse scenario for me.

I tried to force myself to watch it on the big screen. Oh, those awful eyes and creepy legs and then coming after him with that awful stinger! My favorite part was when good old faithful Sam came to the rescue with the light of Galadriel, which they had all along. I loved her line:

“May it be a light for you when all other lights go out.”

Jesus is that light for us. He is the light of the whole world. In Him is no darkness. When Christ came, His light threw the shadows back on this old world forever. That is the hope of Christmas.

I think of this as I look at my lights out front, on the tree.

All of them symbols of the One and only true light.

And even though Jesus’ cousin John was chronologically born first, John knew that Jesus existed long before he did. Was there, in fact at the very beginning of all things.

John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’” John 1:15

“I thank you Lord, for being my One true light. You are my sanity, my healing, my joy, my everything. With You I have everything I need, without You I have nothing. Because of You my future is full of hope, never dread. And thank you for reminding me that nothing bad lasts forever, but only for a season, and even that, you are working out for my good.”

Beating back the dark

This morning, I huddled in the crisp, cool darkness of the morning. I spilled out my worries. The same ones He always hears. I drew names out of my heart……

I whispered them and as I prayed I imagined them floating up…..up…..up toward that Throne.

The only One who matters, heard them.

Received them.

Then, after the spilling out of my cares was done. I figured I needed the serious praying posture. The head down and knees bent variety…..and no words except praise for Him who is worthy. Filling the silence I thought of the verses in the Bible that describe Isaiah’s vision:

“In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:
“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory.”
At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
There in the silence, I could almost hear it.
I discovered once again, that the best way to beat back the darkness is with praise.
It’s the one thing I have found that never fails.


Going Deep

Sometimes I wonder why I am content to wade………and I wonder how my life would look if I dared to go deep with God. I have gone deep before so I know how it feels. When things are good and I feel like I have things under control I tend to stay in the shallows. I read my Bible and pray, but just enough……
Then when I get desperate, I submerge myself in Scripture……..Prayer……..Calling out to God…..fasting.….And of course, He is there. He always answers. The truth hits home, for when are we ever not desperate in this life?
When do we not need Him? I wonder how my life would look if I truly lived by the Spirit’s leading. If I listened to that quiet voice when it beckoned more often. 
What is it that prevents me from walking that close, that intimate with my Heavenly Father?
I guess it really comes down to fear of where He might lead, what He might ask….So much so, that I forget all the blessing that He assures me would come with it.

Then I remember that was the first sin of Adam and Eve…….He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid. 
His love for the children of His creation led His steps to the Garden,
To the Cross.
He even went so far as to fill us with His Spirit so that we may never be without Him.

Shouldn’t that be enough to convince me of His love? That where He leads I need never fear?
Yet sometimes I still fear. This life is full of it.
And still His Grace is with me, walking where I walk.
And someday, in that face to face place called Heaven we will walk again without fear in the Garden.
No separation, ever again.
The future is bright my friends.
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:11