Alzheimer’s/Dementia

Upside down justice

“Can anyone teach God knowledge to God, Since He judges even the highest? One man dies in his full strength, being wholly at ease and secure; his body is well-nourished, his bones rich with marrow. Another man dies in the bitterness of his soul, never having enjoyed anything good.” Job 21:22-25
Does it ever seem like we are living in an upside down world? Evil acts go unpunished. Something in us wants, craves justice. Sometimes we feel like taking matters into our own hands. There have been several movies that portray someone doing just that. The other night I happened upon one. I was over at someone’s house and a movie started. There was a heartfelt scene with a Dad and his daughter lovingly interacting. Then it all went terribly wrong. A home invasion. Three men burst in, killed the wife, kidnapped and later killed the daughter. The father barely survived. It was merciless, they killed without remorse. I left after the first scene.  
I later found out what happened. The “perps” got off, so the Dad ended up finding all three and ingeniously divising each one’s torturous death. He ended up terrorizing the whole town and in the end, he was blown up. Death by napalm. It wasn’t a satisfactory end for anyone. No one got justice, and nothing he did gave him any satisfaction in the end. He died clinging to a necklace his daughter made for him. It was hopeless.
We may say about someone, why is this person still taking up air? They do no good for anyone, they are miserable and life seems like a chore to them. There is no joy in their days, and they weigh others down with their bleak outlook. Why, we wonder, can’t they just die peacefully in their sleep? But thankfully, that is not up to me to decide. I am sure I would get it all wrong.

When my thoughts meander in that direction, the only way I know to get peace is to give God back His sovereignty. At times like that, it is tempting to wrestle it away from Him. But He alone has control of how many breaths, years, months, anyone has. We must give back to God’s what is God’s. When I let it rest with Him, He blesses me with the peace and strength I so desperately seek.

My thoughts calm.

I don’t have to worry about justice. I know that belongs to God. All that is wrong will one day be made right. And in the meantime, I will rest in Him. I remember how mercifully He has dealt with me.

The Word is a tremendous comfort in times like these. When I read these words in Job today, I was reassured. Others have felt the same way down through the ages. But God doesn’t change. And one thing is for sure. I can rest in His justice, and mercy. For really, what does any of us deserve?

It is because of His great love and mercy He has saved us from what we all deserve.

Because of His love for me, I get what I don’t deserve.

The Final Frontier

One sings in her wheelchair as she is pushed along the halls, mostly Que Sara, Que Sara, sometimes Amazing Grace. She has an amazingly strong voice. We try to meet all their faces as we pass, and say hello and smile. You have the sense of wanting to give them back their humanity in this land of the seemingly lonely and forgotten.
When I first started to do the nursing home thing again, I recoiled. It felt like the Land of the Lost. My friend calls it the Roach Motel. You check in but you don’t check out.
Where my Uncle is staying there is a gentleman there who insists that he will get to Heaven by train. When my Aunt sees him, he makes the announcement, “I have my ticket, I am leaving today at three o’clock.” Hey I kind of like that idea, like going to Heaven on the Hogwart’s Express! One lady, mutters constantly….”I don’t know what the hell I am doing in this place.” Once she never stepped out of her house looking anything less than dressed to the nines with hair perfectly styled. Now my Aunt says she looks like a street person. Unrecognizable as the woman she once was.
They give these places fancy sounding names like “Rehabilitation Center” “Care Centers” “Guest Homes.”
I have to say, now that I have been “doing the circuit” again, there is something else that is clear to me. It is not all hopeless. I walk past rooms that are decorated in pictures from home, their pets, Scripture verses, shelves of books, colorful quilts in bright colors.
All in all, I have made up my mind that you die the way you lived.
If you are positive when you were young, you will be positive all the way to the end. Unless you don’t have your mind, that is. Then it’s different.
I walk along the halls and see signs of life and hope, and see signs up giving up.
It all comes down to life and death in the end.
I am determined that I will choose life no matter what. That is the hope I have in Jesus. That is the hope that Henry has. Elaine met him walking the halls. They got to talking and he told her he comes from a long line of ministers. He told her with a sparkle in his eye, “Today I am reading the book of Numbers!”
If I ever end up in one of these places I want to be like Henry.
Or the guy waiting for my three o clock train to Heaven.
And honestly, sometimes it doesn’t sound too bad. No responsibilies, a shelf full of books, three square meals….I just really hope that I can keep my eyesight and my mind.
“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” Romans 8:38

The Dinner Dance

Dinner has become very interesting at our house. The full execution of it from preparation to cleanup resembles something like a military operation, or an episode of Amazing Race. When her Mom moved in, we knew there would be some major adjustments, and dinner is one of those that has changed. We are still trying to learn the rules. This stems partially from the Alzheimer’s and partly from the fact that her approach to dinner and mealtimes in general, drastically differs from ours.

Ours is relaxation, appreciation of the food, fellowship and conversation.

Hers is put it on the table so we can get it over and go back to watching TV.

From what I understand, cooking food was always a chore for her. She always hated it. It was never a labor of love. They called her cooking burnt offerings. Mealtime was something to get through, in survival mode….and the table was a form of controlled chaos.

Some days it almost seems like we are settling into some kind of rhythm, then the next day everything is crazy again and the rules change.

Dinner has become like a strategic operation. Kind of like a race against time. You do what you can on the sly so that you can get to it before she does. I know, I know, it doesn’t sound very kind, but believe me. It is necessary. Otherwise it would never happen at all.

If you start too early, she comes and stands in the middle of the kitchen and watches every move you make, not saying a word……just staring, glaring really. So you want to minimize the amount of time that happens. Other times, she watches over your shoulder asking, “What’s that?” and “What are you doing now?” You have to dance around her.

Sometimes she will take a seat where she can watch, stony faced and silent. It is unnerving. You start to do everything faster so you can get it done and get out. If you’ve ever watched an episode of “Keeping Up Appearances” and know what happens when neighbor Elizabeth comes for coffee at Hyacinth’s, you will know just about how it looks in the kitchen right before dinner goes on the table. It’s worth a look up on You Tube.

And she will not……. absolutely not sit down until everyone else is seated.

She treats everything on her plate with a certain amount of disdain and suspicion. That part is just personality, nothing to do with the disease. She does the same thing in restaurants, it’s as if she is just daring the food to be edible.

You cringe inwardly, waiting for the comment, “There is a taste in here that I don’t care for…..” or “I’m still trying to decide if I like it,” when it is something a bit different than meat and potatoes. Sometimes, but only if we ask first mind you, there will be an affirmative response to “How do you like it, Mom?” But that is risky territory. Mostly we cook what we know is safe.

The TV stays on to cover the loud sniffing while dining.

Clean up resembles a Chinese fire-drill. By the time it is done we are all mentally exhausted.

I remember all the times I prayed for God to make me more loving, to turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh…….I so want to respond the way Jesus would. To have the patience to let her help. We give her tasks so that she can feel useful and feel like she has a place of welcome in our home, her home too now……but it’s very hard sometimes.

There is a part of me that is stubborn enough to make this work without any of us going crazy, and for that I am grateful.

“Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” 1 Peter 4:9,10

Finding beauty when and where you can

There are times when you simply no longer recognize your life……….It happens slowly sometimes, gradually. You look up and find yourself surrounded and in the mire, you feel stuck. You wonder what happened.
Other times it happens with life events, all of a sudden. Leaving no time to prepare, “to lock and load” against the barrage coming at you.
Right now it seems that everywhere I look…….in the lives of those I hold dear, major adjustments are having to be made. My Aunt is packing up some of my Uncle’s things since he has had to go to the nursing home. She is living in a strange land now. The land of dementia……She told me, “He is here, but he’s not here. I am grieving him and he is still alive.” Tears come easily for her. She is packing his shop, and I am sure all the memories along with it.
She struggles with false guilt. She thinks that because she is a Christian she should be handling it better. But what prepares you for this?
Still she has held onto her humor, her eyes still find the beauty in her life.
She still thanks God for all the time she had with him. She has hope in her Savior.
The joy of the Spirit has not left her.
Because of who she is, she still sees the beauty in each new day. She still has her marvelous sense of humor. She called my Mom and asked on a particularly hot day….”Do you want to lay out?” She and my Mom used to sunbathe until they were black….baking for hours. Now they each have standing appointments at the dermatologist as a result…….Laying out in the sun at 80 years of age is now laughable…
And laugh they did.
One friend has a wayward adult child living at home once again……he has suffered many setbacks and can’t seem to get back on track. He has made bad choices, and now this Mom and Dad are being dragged along for the ride. They love him so much it hurts.
There is one thing, one BIG common denominator in all these people’s lives……..they know Jesus. I refute those studies that say there is no marked difference in the lives of believers and unbelievers, the things they do or don’t do. Frankly, they can stick those studies where the sun don’t shine. They really make me mad, can you tell? I know better. I have seen it with my own eyes.
In my best friend, my own parents, my Aunt, my dear friend and her husband, and many others.
Since I started in a caretaking role myself, there are so many things I understand now, better than I did before. And I am thankful for that. God saw fit to “learn me a lesson.” He does that mostly through other people. My life has changed very much over that past year or so. I am still adjusting.
I hope I can grow to be like the heroes I see around me. Still finding the beauty and not losing my sense of humor. I feel that many times lately I have missed the mark. I have become kind of a grumbler…..but inside where no one can see. But God sees my heart, and He knows I don’t want to be a grumbler inside or outside.
Sometimes just finding that quiet place for a few moments is difficult, but necessary. To regroup.
How does your faith help you in your everyday life? Does it make things easier? I welcome any and all thoughts….
All photos taken by me at the Disney Grand Hotel

Finding God from where we are

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17
My friend, who has become the caretaker of her parents in recent months, told me of a nightmare she had the other night. She said, “It was so terrible I didn’t want to tell anyone about it.” She was trapped in a pipe and she couldn’t get out. She couldn’t turn in any direction and couldn’t go back or forward. She says, “The worst part? Everyone knew I was in there but nobody came to get me out.” She looked at me and said, “That is exactly how I feel right now.”
I know how she feels. Sometimes we are so trapped in our circumstances that we lose hope. People tell you to look at the picture, but the “big picture” has become blurry and out of focus. It no longer means anything. All you can do is think of where you are right now, and you don’t see an end to it. That fact makes it hard to put one foot in front of the other.
You wake, still exhaused from the day before. Leftover stress. You wonder how to feel that freedom that you know is rightfully yours in Christ, because all you feel now is imprisoned in a cell without hope of parole.
There are few things I know for sure. One of them is, Jesus came so that we wouldn’t have to feel that way ever again. Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. John 8:36
After all…….we have the very same Holy Spirit that allowed Paul to sing hymns of praise while locked in prison. And it is that Spirit that gives us the freedom to have hope even in the midst of our circumstances, whatever they may be, however they try to enslave us.
As in this picture above, we see life and beauty on the other side, but we just  don’t know how to get there. We feel that vision is for someone else, not us. Not right now anyway.
It is in that very moment God is asking us to seek Him. “But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.” Deuteronomy 4:29
I like how that verse is worded. God is saying that we need to seek Him in that very instance where we feel that hope is lost. That very moment when we are most overwhelmed and discouraged. Hope is lost when we begin to feel like we will end, before our present circumstance does.
Our old enemy wants us to think this way. His goal hasn’t changed since the very beginning, to kill, steal and destroy. He knows he can’t have our soul, so he does everything else he possibly can to steal everything else from us, including our hope and joy. That is exactly what happens when we look too far into the future. We read things into it…… think that things will always be the way they are now. Jesus knew how we are, that is why He had some very good advice.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Jesus.

There is a way out…….Ask God to be with you in that moment and He will. He has promised it, and God can’t ever go back on His word. He may not remove the circumstance, but He will provide you with peace in it, and give you more than enough strength to deal with it.

In order to counteract those other voices, we need to fill our thoughts with God’s promises found in His word.

Get alone with God. Find some time for yourself. Even Jesus had to go off alone, many times.

Start the day determined to ask for strength for that day and that day alone.

Draw comfort from the fact that others are praying for you.

And last but not least, continue to tell God the things you are thankful for. Satan hates that most of all.

holy experience

From death to life…..

“In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life;” Romans 6:11-13

I wasn’t going to listen to Romans this morning on the way to work. I thought…..I listened to this last week. I have heard it all before…..But I forgot one very important thing about God’s word. It has staying power, the power of life in it. It never fails to bring life to the hearer. As I listened to the words of Paul again, speaking under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, I began to get chills up and down my arms.

I was hearing it against the backdrop of everything we have been through these past many months

I got a picture in my mind of impassioned Paul, speaking in front of a courtroom, striding back and forth. One moment Prosecutor of sin, the next brilliant public Defender of the faith, (as if it needed any defending.)

As I listened to the first 6 Chapters the words flowed over me and I reflected on the past 3 days…..that’s where the chills came in. We can go through anything, my friends, because we are a people who have been brought from death to life. That’s how we roll.

That is the reason for the hope that lies within us. That’s the thing that makes it possible to rise up in the morning and do it all again, and with an attitude of hope that no circumstance or person can ever stamp out. That’s the brilliant backdrop, the reality that we can’t see with our eyes, but that we feel with every fiber of our being.

Each one of us knows the truth. We were built to last. Though our bodies are perishing, our God stamp……our spirit, our soul will live on. And one day, we will rise, as He rose, with new bodies. Bodies that can live in God’s world, with Him forever. What a tremendous hope!

 “Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.” 1 John 3:2-3

And He is with us now. As I look back on the past few months, I cannot deny God’s hand at work….we have talked about it, Elaine and I. I have stood beside her, helping her to navigate this particular valley of death. That’s what it has felt like anyway.

Dealing with all the stress of a Dad with dementia, one minute angry and accusatory, the next minute apologetic….

His move into a rest home……..

Her Mom’s move in with us…….

Learning to live under the same roof with Alzheimers and everything that goes with it……

The emptying out of their house, which we did ourselves, with the help of some very helpful “angels” to cart off some of the biggest items, finishing only just last Tuesday.

Moving everything left into storage.

And finally, the sale of their home…..I can only say that God has been glorified through it all, because we know the truth of these words……”I will never leave you or forsake you……and He hasn’t…..and He won’t.

And in between all these lines there is the everyday life, the toughest part. Where the nitty-gritty battles are fought day in and day out. The fatigue and stress of living with someone who has lived their whole life through a prism of negativity. The life you escaped from.

I look back in disbelief at what we did……the three of us.

I look ahead with hope, because He showed us again that He will never leave us.

The Desert Speaks

For the LORD’s portion is His people;
Jacob is the place of His inheritance.
“He found him in a desert land
And in the wasteland, a howling wilderness;
He encircled him, He instructed him,
He kept him as the apple of His eye.
Deuteronomy 32:9,10

Monday was a tough day……It was a day where months, actually years of stress caught up and culminated in words that have been bottled up far too long. It had to be said……and she had to get out. So we went…..fast. Destination: Anywhere but there. Caregivers of the very demanding understand this need to escape.

Who knows whether the words stuck. They were probably forgotten within 10 minutes.That is the thing with Alzheimers, you never know what sticks and what doesn’t. She is not at the stage where she would be in danger alone……yet, although that will come. So we went.

No one tells you. The rules change daily. What is okay one day is met with anger and denial the next. A day trip was necessary, crucial…..sanity was precariously balanced on the edge of a very fine line.

Grabbing my camera I said, “Let’s go to Globe, they have old buildings and it’s not too far away.”

And God gave one of His unexpected little surprises, well actually two. A call came on her cell while we were driving around……cousin Sandra, two states away. A welcome voice from someone who understands the situation and everyone involved. Healing balm for a hurting heart.

Driving along I saw some pretty plants and a sign that said, “Botanical Gardens.” We stopped and found a neat surprise there, a place called  Besh Ba Gowah “Place of Metal” Archaeological Park. The name is referring to the mining that took place there. It was an old Salado pueblo ruins that had been excavated and partially reconstructed.

We paid our 4 dollars and were invited to watch the 15 minute video, which we skipped. My camera was itching in my hands….God gave a gift……Sometimes He speaks in desert blooms. It was like He was saying……….”This is for you………”

and so is this……..

This one reminded me of a fire-cracker…..

As we walked through, we heard the Spirit speak in birdsong…..saw the glory of Him in the blooms that even thorns do not prevent…..
heard His whisper on the breeze,
Telling us all the while that He loved us and longed to give us rest……
In His Presence……
it was very good.
Thank you, my friend. I am so glad you insisted we get away.
You knew how much I wanted a camera day.  
It was one of those God things that it turned out like it did.

Angels at IKEA

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Hebrews 13:1
It was just another task on the long list of things to be done. Going to get a TV stand to put on the gargantuan TV that came out of the Mother’s house. So many tasks had preceded this one, that all days, for many days, had spilled over into one another. One day bleeds into the next in a seemingly never ending tasklist. It is a military type existence……Up on your feet, lace up your boots, be physically and mentally ready for whatever comes next.
She was running on empty, fumes of exhaustion left over from somewhere in time, when it all started. Through it all, she has kept her sense of humor and momentary lost her sanity. I have been helping out, holding her up…..praying her through it.
She was standing in the aisle of IKEA. Ready once again for a nervous breakdown because the tag on the TV stand didn’t match the one on the display rack. Do you know how big IKEA is when you are exhausted? All the way back upstairs to the display, making sure she had the right tag….”Yep, there it is.” All the way back down to the checkout. Again, error on the scan. Earlier she had led her Mom to a seat and told her to stay there until she came back.
Insert mental image here of elderly woman with Alzheimer’s who walks extremely slow and gets turned around……a lot, in two floor big box IKEA. Another mental image of exhausted, stricken daughter with very large box that won’t scan…..teetering on the edge.
Later she said, “I must have looked pretty bad, like I needed help……” She was standing glassy-eyed in the aisle staring again at the display, contemplating another long walk downstairs, when just then a kind angel appeared at her shoulder, “Can I help you, are you finding what you need?” What welcome words, they might as well have been coming straight from Heaven itself. He knew his job, he saw the mistake right away. He fixed the mess.
Ever had someone come and clean up the mess at a time when it seems all you have been doing lately is cleaning up messes? You never forget it.
All the while, she is hoping and praying her Mom stayed where she put her. She usually doesn’t wander…..yet.
Then, another “angel” came when she wheeled the heavy box out into the parking lot. It was like he appeared from nowhere, she tells me later. She asks me if I sent him. She says, “I know you were praying. “
I said, “Yes, of course  I was.”

Photo courtesy of http://thehalfwaypoint.net/2009/09/50-simple-ways-to-pay-it-forward/

Gratitude Still Intact

Shining behind everything this life can put us through is a fierce and undying gratitude because we know God has already given us much more than we deserve.

Sometimes the circumstances of life just tend to deflate you. Today, sitting in prayer I felt emptied out, emotionally and spiritually flat. I stuttered, I stammered, I stopped. The creative energy flow valve was shut off somehow. Caretaking does that. Sometimes taking care of someone else, can literally take the life right out of you.

But this is what is amazing about living the God centered life. Gratitude simply won’t die. We know what we have been saved from…..everything that this life can throw at you can’t make a dent in that…..not for very long anyway. Sometimes that surprises me. The unexpected hope that flowers despite everything blooms in the form of Gratitude…..

Seeking inspiration this morning, I opened the Word which never fails. I read

“As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
These things I remember as I pour out my soul:

The words, I remember stood out. Gratitude is all about remembering……We have a living gratitude for all that God has done for us that wells up within us even in the worst of circumstances.

By this I don’t mean that we walk around with a fake smile all day, a false front that everyone sees through anyway. No, I mean that even if we are so mad we can spit nails one minute, there is something, rather Someone, that keeps us from going over the edge. Someone that holds us back from total despair. Someone that keeps us thankful at the end of the day, and hopeful at the start.

Satan was working on me this morning. At prayer, and then when I sat down to the computer and didn’t see the pictures I had loaded. I shut everything down, slammed the laptop shut all the while……gratitude still intact, gratitude still intact….NOT. Then Elaine reminded me that she had set up two accounts, one for her and one for me. My little fit was wasted. They were there all the time! I sheepishly sat down to blog

Gratitude once again, intact.

Holding out and holding up.

My soul is downcast within me;

therefore I will remember you……..Psalm 42:6

Continued good health, beautiful Arizona weather, blooming cactus, the gift of laughter through everything, encouragement from the Word, a best friend who appreciates everything I do, good food, enough money to pay bills, new computers that work, the blessing of good neighbors…..#688-698

holy experience

picture taken in my  Mom’s backyard

Real Prayer

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord……
In prayer today, my brain was like a Sunbeam mixmaster. My mind full of stuff on my list. My agenda. In a few days I am leaving on a jet plane. I need to ship a box to California, I need to go to Walmart. I haven’t even showered yet. I feel time slipping by…….
I sat in prayer trying to quiet my mind and asked myself…….”Why am I here?” I needed to ask it of myself, because sometimes it seems even my prayer time is all about me, and I don’t want it to be. The answer that landed at the bottom of my pile of thoughts was:
I pray because I want to spend time with God, and I miss Him when I don’t.
Here is a prayer I read in Kathleen Beard’s wonderful book, Into the Mist that brought me up short, really short:
My Lord, I have mistreated You all my Christian life. I have treated you like a servant. When I wanted You I called for You; when I was about to engage in some work I beckoned You to come and help me perform my task. I have kept You in the place of a servant. I have sought to use You only as a willing servant to help me in my self-appointed and chosen work. I shall do so no more.
Just now I give You this body of mine; from my head to my feet, I give it to You. I give You my hands, my limbs, my eyes and lips, my brain; all that I am within and without, I hand over to You for You to live in it the life that You please. You may send this body to Africa, or lay it on a sick bed with cancer. You may blind the eyes, or send me with Your message to Tibet.
You may take this body to the Eskimos, or send it to a hospital with pneumonia. It is Your body from this moment on. Help Yourself to it. Thank you, my Lord. I believe You have accepted it for in Romans twelve and one you said, “acceptable unto God.” Thank You again, my Lord, for taking me. We now belong to each other.
Raymond V. Edman
They Found the Secret
I can’t help but wonder how my life would change if I only had the courage to say that prayer and mean it. This prayer humbles me beyond words.