I held it at bay, at arms length, because I have to get stuff done. I think it’s just life piling up sometimes, and it has to come out somewhere, sometime. I am no stranger to this feeling. It has always been with me.
One of the very first times I can remember was when I caved during a Christmas play at church.
I had one line, I don’t even remember what it was. Because all of a sudden all I wanted to do was get off that stage……I strained my eyes through the bright lights and all I wanted was to find my parents. And then I did.
The road blurred through tears. I breathed little puffs of air. I turned off the freeway and onto the street. Off to my right was man on the sidewalk wearing flip-flops, a Hawaiian shirt and shorts….and a guitar strapped around his shoulder. He was carrying on a very animated conversation, with himself.
Laughter bubbled up through the tears a little hysterically, I thought……..”I hope that’s not gonna be me someday soon.”
Then I thought of my childhood friend Mary. Mary of the big blue eyes and wonderful reading voice.
It was always either her or me the teachers chose for reading out loud. I still remember her singing a solo in a school fashion show, she sang “After the Ball” in a blue dress. I don’t know what happened with Mary but many years later my folks told me she would skate down the street in a full hockey uniform, helmet and all. She never played hockey a day in her life.
She died recently at my age, only 53. She had a daughter and I would love to see her. I wonder if she had Mary’s eyes, and liked to read. I hope she will be okay.
Don’t we all dance a bit close to the border of crazy at times? I think you kind of have to, to live this life we all live.
As I caught sight of Elaine’s jeep through the maze of cars, right in the midst of my panic I thought…….”Thank you Lord.” Because all my life I have never had to go through this feeling alone, and some people have.
And this wonderful friend has been with me through so much. And I will tell her about this, and she will say, “Well, maybe you are a little bit crazy, but I understand, and everything is gonna be fine.”
Because after all, God has us. He really does.