fiction

Hindsight is pretty much useless (or be a bringer of cake)

“But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” 1 Peter 3:15

Yesterday I went up to the front desk of the library and requested my “link” book. For most of us book lovers, comforting and familiar though they may be, our local library shelves frequently come up lacking. The book I’ve been waiting for came in. When I approached the lady librarian and said I had a link, she quipped, “A link to the future?” “The past?” She was trying to be clever I guess, and I stammered a bit and said lamely, “I try my best to live in the present, one day at a time.” As I left, I thought of the above Bible verse. Why? Another opportunity and I missed it. I could’ve said so many things. Here are a few I thought of (after the fact.)

I do have a link to the future, His name is Jesus, do you know Him?

Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever, so yes, I do have a link to the future!

And how about this one, “I am Alpha and Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end. Revelation 22:13

Yup, that just about sums up my missed opportunity to tell someone the Good News. I seem to be so good at thinking of things after the fact. Next time, I’ll be ready. Hindsight is pretty much useless unless you apply the lesson. I doubt I’ll get another opportunity like that one. On the heels of moments like these little seeds of doubt creep in. Somewhere in the core of my being was I afraid of what she might think? Questions remain, even as I swat the bothersome thoughts away. A lesson to learn. The Holy Spirit’s pang of disappointment lingers in my spirit. A seed remains unplanted.

Then, last Friday a friend and I went to put down her cat. I volunteered to go with her. The cat was cared for and loved for by all 4 of us, really. Both she and her brother were constant fixtures when we were in the Motorhome for 8 years. She hung out under Vernon Weigum’s car, sunning herself, and we started calling her Weigumina. She also went by Miss Kitty, Sissy, Wiggy respectfully. When I watched her the other day, I noticed her back legs shaking and weak and she had stopped eating. She went downhill fast from there. We think maybe a stroke. Wiggy held a special place in my heart because every morning she would trot ahead of me to the swing in the dark and we would watch for the dawn. I would drink coffee, and she would lick frosting off whatever I was eating. Usually a cookie. She also had an uncanny ability to gauge the direction of your car tire and not budge from where she was laying. If she had thumbs, she could have driven a car.

It was so very sad of course but we knew without a doubt that it was time. During the 1 1/2 hours we had to wait, it was agony for her and us too. We smothered her with love and kisses up until the time she fell into a merciful sleep. I was drained when I got home so Elaine offered to go to the store. When she came back, she presented me with a small cake with frosting and sprinkles in honor of Wiggy. The comic relief was when I turned back around after getting a plate, Atticus had licked an entire dollop of icing from the top.

I found that cake and wine went very well together. We will all miss you Sissy, so much.

The moral of the story is that cake makes things better. I hope you have someone who brings you cake with sprinkles on sad days. Or if you don’t, then be the bringer yourself. Or better yet, be both people. The second is to always be ready for the opportunity when it comes to bring hope in the form of words. That is, The Word Himself, Jesus.

If you have men who will exclude any of God’s creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men. St. Francis

Holding on……

It’s been two years since her Daddy, (my brother) passed and recently we went to one of their favorite places. We went to recapture, remember, and most importantly, make some new memories. For in all the loss that this life can throw at us, love always remains. And we are thankful, so thankful for these times.

For the best thing we can do sometimes, is hold on to what remains. And it’s a lot.

We played, we splashed in the water, and we rode the Carousel several times, and the log ride. I am not a big fan of roller coasters but the log ride I can do. Just to hear her laugh and scream at me getting wet, it was worth everything. And when she grabbed my hand as we walked all day on the boardwalk, I felt like I had been given a precious gift. Parents of Special Needs kids (and adults) have a challenging task and I will never minimize it.

but I also believe it comes with many blessings that bleed through the exhaustion……

I guess you have to balance what you lose and what you gain along the way.

You may have a much different timetable that everyone else has. Your victories are bigger even when the tasks may be minimal according to what the world thinks. But you celebrate them just the same and maybe more. I remember when she was small, things like going into a store, seeing a man with a beard, or a floaty in a swimming pool meant a hasty retreat out of there.

With all the challenges you face, you remember. And sometimes the remembering makes you cry.

As she grabbed my hand in the crowd this past weekend, I flashed back to this picture when she was about 5 with her dad. Here’s the thing. What would you give to have your grown 22-year-old grab your hand once again? Maybe they are off to college, living far away, or maybe they are in the next room, sullen and an island all to themselves.

What would you give?

But I got to do this. I got to hold her hand and it was a gift she gave me that remains with me still. What a tremendous blessing that we get to see the world through their eyes, and it is still a magical and wondrous place. So, Special Needs parent, God has given you an extra responsibility and you will need your village behind you.

There are challenges. There are the times like this weekend when her world came to an end and her brain was stuck in an endless loop of not wanting to go home, not want it to end. It can be so agonizing when you can’t help. (Hey, I get that way too at the ocean). And it didn’t help that someone had an accident in the pool, and it was closed. That might have helped soften the edges. But to her credit she and Mom got through it.

In the end, I believe Heaven has a place saved for these kids, because in some ways they have never left. They show us the way of simple joy, and purity and how it was long ago in the beginning, without fear, without darkness, when everything was brand new and each new day was a gift to be discovered.

I love you Lauryn, your Auntie Lori.

Finally Home

Bless the Lord, O my soul and forget not all his benefits: who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with loving kindness and tender mercies……Psalm 103:2-4

The Rumba is working its way around the house, and I have two little kitties nearby. They have finally settled after wrestling and bouncing off the walls for the past 3 hours. One is sitting in the decorative bowl on the table and one right beside him. When we got them, they both fit! “They” are Atticus and Scout, respectively, and a constant source of joy, having been cat less since Briggs died in 2020. 

This is retirement, the first week in. Several times over the past few days, I have found myself in a state of wonder at how incredibly blessed I am, how at peace, how content. On my first walk around the park where our new (refurbished) home is situated I dug out my old iPod and selected the playlist I used to walk Desert Harbor in Arizona. It was like I was home, really home. 

Living in a very small space for the past 8 years really makes you appreciate the everyday things. A new washer and dryer that we almost worshipped the first few weeks. No more laundromat! Our own garbage can, for another. We never used the can at Aunt’s house because she was very fussy about her garbage. 

I’m home, I’m home, I’m home and I never have to move again. What a feeling……I can scarcely describe it. God is so good. At first, we kind of poo-pooed this park. It wasn’t as “perfect and pristine” as we liked. We had our eye on another in a neighboring town. It was well-kept and the space rent was lower. There were a few that came up for sale but inside repairs would have been costly. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Elaine wasn’t sold when we looked at this place, but I secretly thought “I could live here.” There was a kind of strange room off the living room. Back in the day it might have been called a “family room,” separating both sides of the house. Elaine turned in circles and exclaimed, “What is this room?” I am happy to say that it has become a beautiful library. (Pictures to follow in another post) Wayfair is our new best friend. Of course, you have to build whatever you buy and thankfully Elaine is very talented. I was the assistant handing tools and fetching screws and bolts.

First, we made an offer which they didn’t accept. Then it fell through twice more. We made another offer, with concessions and it was accepted. 

Here’s another strange thing. Over and over, I have had this dream for years of two big closets. I just go from one to the other with a sense of amazement in the dream. Well, yes, you guessed it. I have two walk-in closets. Thank you, Jesus! The second walk-in has become the litter box room and storage for Christmas.

Each day, I wake up so very, very thankful. Life is good on a Sunday morning in June. 

But I have trusted in your mercy; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me. Psalm 13:5,6