Anxiety

Thankful for the thorns

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I felt the panic rise and the riptide of the day starting as I awoke. I tamped it back down as it beat against me,  my heartbeat quickening as I glanced at the clock which read 3:40. I layed back down and willed the clock back 8 hours or so.  I sliced at it with the sword of the Word kept in my heart.

My cat sensed my stirrings and came up to nestle and I put my face in his fur and felt his purr, silly as it was it calmed me. The thought came: I should be over this kind of thing. But do we ever get totally at ease and comfortable in this life? And if so, then what do I need Him for?

You’d think I would be over this by now, this fear about meeting the day, but it still happens from time to time and I have the feeling I am not the only one.

We are bound to this earth until such time as these cords are cut and we fly back to our maker. Our real home. The one that every day I seem to glimpse a little more of. I think if we could catch one true glimpse of that life, we would never fear again, but God has given us the gift of faith which pulls us through and fills us with hope.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ for the faith of God’s elect and the knowledge of the truth that leads to godliness'” a faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time….Titus 1:1,2

Paul called his sufferings light and momentary afflictions.

He was beaten, thrown over-board, bitten by snakes, thrown in prison…….

Yeah, I can do this.

As the words to the song fill my car, my hands gripped the wheel as I counted the years in my head that Jesus has been walking with me……40 years with Jesus now, and shouldn’t I have this down pat?

But the answer came: Will there ever be a time to stop trusting, to stop learning, to stop leaning?

I hope that time never comes this side of Heaven.

Thankful for the thorn of my weakness today. Because every day it draws me closer. Nearer.

God picks you…..every time

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Only a few things happening can cast me down to despair.
That’s how fragile I am, how fragile we all are.

And into my heart, He whispered like a warm breeze…..
If I didn’t remind you of the darkness from time to time,
You wouldn’t remember the candle I lit in your soul either.

I felt the love in what He was saying.

As tears came I said, “Yes, Lord.”
You know me so well.

I remember how it feels to stand in a place of tremendous
and absolute beauty and not feel or see a thing, and
it’s His great love for me and others that brings those feelings back

How else could I offer any comfort or help to others?
I can light a candle in their soul just the way you did for me, for until you did that for me?

I was a hopeless case.
Useless to myself and others.

Thank you, Lord for these times.
For reminding me just how fragile I am.
How I can feel in an instant alone on a playground not ever the first to be picked.

But you pick me, Lord. Again and again.
You said, “I want you.”

I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them. Psalm 34:4-7

And thank you, Psalmist for these words of yours……they never fail to comfort.

Once again, you light the window in my dark soul.

Thank you for the assurance that my full range of emotions from joy to sorrow and everything in between,

are safe only in Your hands.

In You only, will I put my trust…….

In all things that I contemplate as I am consulting you, I find no secure place for my soul except in you. And in you, I pray that what is scattered in me may be brought together, so that no part of me may be apart from you. Sometimes when you are working within me, bringing my scattered self to you, you draw me into a state of feeling that is unlike anything I am used to, a kind of sweet delight. I know that if this spiritual state were made permanent in me it would be something not of this world, not of this life. Augustine. Confessions 10

It really will be okay

Further thoughts on "Radical"

“…All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well”, Julian of Norwich

Prayer for today:

Today, I will choose not to be a bundle of stress and worry. I will not adopt and absorb the anxiety around me like a sponge, instead I will deflect it with the shield of peace by resting in the Lord, who is my quiet strength now and always.

I acknowledge my weakness and helplessness to change anyone’s heart; that work belongs to the Lord. Instead I will focus on my own heart and the things that God wants me to change in it.

Today, when I start to dwell on the future and what may or may not happen, I will remember that my ultimate future is where God is, preserved for me forever. I will also remember that with God time is not reduced to a fixed point, neither is it reduced  to some bright crystal shore somewhere after I die, but in the beauty of all the little moments of the here and now. Jesus said so……

“I’ll be explicit, then. I am the Gate for the sheep. All those others are up to no good—sheep stealers, every one of them. But the sheep didn’t listen to them. I am the Gate. Anyone who goes through me will be cared for—will freely go in and out, and find pasture. A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. John 10:10

Whatever happens today Father, thank you for already supplying the strength I need for whatever task you give me,  it’s already been given and all I have to do is rest in it.

Thank you Lord for the years piled up behind me, for now, it’s easier for me to see all the examples of your grace, mercy and love, all the times where you broke through my impenetrable sadness with the brilliance of your joy. And for the hope in knowing that you will do so again and again.

As often as I need it.

Today, I know I can get through anything with enough strength for myself and someone else, with your help. And if I make a royal mess of things, thank you for the assurance that you will love me anyway, for I stand wrapped in your grace.

And tomorrow, should be blessed enough to see it, thank you for another chance to start over.

Always with You.