The Dinner Dance

Dinner has become very interesting at our house. The full execution of it from preparation to cleanup resembles something like a military operation, or an episode of Amazing Race. When her Mom moved in, we knew there would be some major adjustments, and dinner is one of those that has changed. We are still trying to learn the rules. This stems partially from the Alzheimer’s and partly from the fact that her approach to dinner and mealtimes in general, drastically differs from ours.

Ours is relaxation, appreciation of the food, fellowship and conversation.

Hers is put it on the table so we can get it over and go back to watching TV.

From what I understand, cooking food was always a chore for her. She always hated it. It was never a labor of love. They called her cooking burnt offerings. Mealtime was something to get through, in survival mode….and the table was a form of controlled chaos.

Some days it almost seems like we are settling into some kind of rhythm, then the next day everything is crazy again and the rules change.

Dinner has become like a strategic operation. Kind of like a race against time. You do what you can on the sly so that you can get to it before she does. I know, I know, it doesn’t sound very kind, but believe me. It is necessary. Otherwise it would never happen at all.

If you start too early, she comes and stands in the middle of the kitchen and watches every move you make, not saying a word……just staring, glaring really. So you want to minimize the amount of time that happens. Other times, she watches over your shoulder asking, “What’s that?” and “What are you doing now?” You have to dance around her.

Sometimes she will take a seat where she can watch, stony faced and silent. It is unnerving. You start to do everything faster so you can get it done and get out. If you’ve ever watched an episode of “Keeping Up Appearances” and know what happens when neighbor Elizabeth comes for coffee at Hyacinth’s, you will know just about how it looks in the kitchen right before dinner goes on the table. It’s worth a look up on You Tube.

And she will not……. absolutely not sit down until everyone else is seated.

She treats everything on her plate with a certain amount of disdain and suspicion. That part is just personality, nothing to do with the disease. She does the same thing in restaurants, it’s as if she is just daring the food to be edible.

You cringe inwardly, waiting for the comment, “There is a taste in here that I don’t care for…..” or “I’m still trying to decide if I like it,” when it is something a bit different than meat and potatoes. Sometimes, but only if we ask first mind you, there will be an affirmative response to “How do you like it, Mom?” But that is risky territory. Mostly we cook what we know is safe.

The TV stays on to cover the loud sniffing while dining.

Clean up resembles a Chinese fire-drill. By the time it is done we are all mentally exhausted.

I remember all the times I prayed for God to make me more loving, to turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh…….I so want to respond the way Jesus would. To have the patience to let her help. We give her tasks so that she can feel useful and feel like she has a place of welcome in our home, her home too now……but it’s very hard sometimes.

There is a part of me that is stubborn enough to make this work without any of us going crazy, and for that I am grateful.

“Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” 1 Peter 4:9,10

Finding beauty when and where you can

There are times when you simply no longer recognize your life……….It happens slowly sometimes, gradually. You look up and find yourself surrounded and in the mire, you feel stuck. You wonder what happened.
Other times it happens with life events, all of a sudden. Leaving no time to prepare, “to lock and load” against the barrage coming at you.
Right now it seems that everywhere I look…….in the lives of those I hold dear, major adjustments are having to be made. My Aunt is packing up some of my Uncle’s things since he has had to go to the nursing home. She is living in a strange land now. The land of dementia……She told me, “He is here, but he’s not here. I am grieving him and he is still alive.” Tears come easily for her. She is packing his shop, and I am sure all the memories along with it.
She struggles with false guilt. She thinks that because she is a Christian she should be handling it better. But what prepares you for this?
Still she has held onto her humor, her eyes still find the beauty in her life.
She still thanks God for all the time she had with him. She has hope in her Savior.
The joy of the Spirit has not left her.
Because of who she is, she still sees the beauty in each new day. She still has her marvelous sense of humor. She called my Mom and asked on a particularly hot day….”Do you want to lay out?” She and my Mom used to sunbathe until they were black….baking for hours. Now they each have standing appointments at the dermatologist as a result…….Laying out in the sun at 80 years of age is now laughable…
And laugh they did.
One friend has a wayward adult child living at home once again……he has suffered many setbacks and can’t seem to get back on track. He has made bad choices, and now this Mom and Dad are being dragged along for the ride. They love him so much it hurts.
There is one thing, one BIG common denominator in all these people’s lives……..they know Jesus. I refute those studies that say there is no marked difference in the lives of believers and unbelievers, the things they do or don’t do. Frankly, they can stick those studies where the sun don’t shine. They really make me mad, can you tell? I know better. I have seen it with my own eyes.
In my best friend, my own parents, my Aunt, my dear friend and her husband, and many others.
Since I started in a caretaking role myself, there are so many things I understand now, better than I did before. And I am thankful for that. God saw fit to “learn me a lesson.” He does that mostly through other people. My life has changed very much over that past year or so. I am still adjusting.
I hope I can grow to be like the heroes I see around me. Still finding the beauty and not losing my sense of humor. I feel that many times lately I have missed the mark. I have become kind of a grumbler…..but inside where no one can see. But God sees my heart, and He knows I don’t want to be a grumbler inside or outside.
Sometimes just finding that quiet place for a few moments is difficult, but necessary. To regroup.
How does your faith help you in your everyday life? Does it make things easier? I welcome any and all thoughts….
All photos taken by me at the Disney Grand Hotel

Buggy thoughts……

I saw it as I wiped the cleaning rag over my bathroom counter. It was so small I almost thought it was a microscopic particle of dirt or something else, until it moved. Something made me look closer. It was so very, very small. How very large my counter top must look, as big as a whole world! I wondered how it even knew where it was going, for it certainly seemed to have a destination. There was something about the way it was just there. Any other day I may have just scrunched it up in a towel, because, after all…..it was so very small.

It moved me, watching that little bug. I could have smashed it without a second thought….sent it to a watery grave, and yet it didn’t know that. That’s what got to me, I guess. How many people are walking around just like that little bug, clueless that the God who created them has the power to stop their breath in an instant. And His great mercy keeps them going, because He loves them so much.

Loves all of us so much.

It humbled me, thinking of that little bug. So unaware of my bigness and its smallness….So unaware of what I could do. What I might have done another day. I think it was that thought alone that made me take it outside to a safe place. It was just too small to survive indoors. This morning, something in me needed to save it. At first it balked at my efforts to help it, it didn’t know what I wanted to do. I coaxed it onto a tissue and carried it outside and set it tenderly at the base of a shady plant.

Safe for one more day.

Remembering my gratitude

Psalm 26:7 “That I may proclaim with the voice of thanksgiving,and tell of all Your wondrous works.”

I momentarily lost my gratitude this morning, I awoke under a cloud. The heat is oppressive, and it has only just begun. But my desire to be thankful drove me outside……I needed to feel the air, however stifling. To be outdoors, to know that life was still good, very good. In fact, to feel a certain way is so much a choice. I chose again and will choose again and again……Gratitude.
I walked along and like a whispered breeze it flew through my soul as if through an open window……I thought of vacation just passed. The walk we took along the beach, peering through little alleyways. Feeling the ocean rush over my toes……It already seems so far away. Reality rushes in so fast. But I remember moments frozen in time. Held close.

It worked……my fog lifted once again. A bit of the gloom melted off and I could see the sun peeking out once more.

This freedom we celebrate today is born of many people making a stand……sacrificing so that we could, as a country, as a people be unoppressed by others. Freedom is an incredible luxury that must never be taken for granted. Sometimes I still do though……

I forget what Christ did for me……..what He set me free from. So today, I remember the many ways I can celebrate and be thankful for freedom.
#711-721
Time spent away…..relief from the heat of an Arizona summer for a little while….to enjoy open windows for a few days…..I am thankful for the freedom to feel, think and be a certain way, knowing that others have severe limitations on their choices……Freedom of the road, the joy of the journey…..Time together with friends and family, making memories……Thankful for a special person who took care of everything while we were gone…….Thankful always, for God who bestows so many undeserved blessings, even when I grumble and complain when I shouldn’t.

 Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God…..1 John 1:3

holy experience
Happy Fourth of July everyone! We are free indeed………

In the Morning…….

This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope. 
       Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not. 
     They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.  Lamentations 3:21-23

I was thinking about how no matter how tired, worn out, exhausted mentally and physically we sometimes get, there is always a new supply of energy that comes with morning. Our hope is renewed during the night when thoughts are stilled and all is quiet………we are restored once more.

I remember when my Sister in law found the “morning” of her life. She was at the very brink of death when she found it. Really, none of us knows how much time we have. We think we do. But those who are terminally ill have no such illusions. Cancer had made it plain that barring a miracle, she would soon be with Jesus.

She knew what all of us need to know sooner rather than later. Knowing Jesus is all that matters. In Him she found the peace and joy that people travel the world to find. They come up empty, but she was filled to overflowing.
Her favorite song towards the end of her life was “Give Me Jesus.”
 
 
The halls of Heaven have been ringing with her most magical laugh since 1998, and sometimes I still can’t believe she is gone. I know if she were here, she would wish for every single person on this planet to know her Jesus.
 
 
The time is so short……..
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world
But give me Jesus

When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone
Give me Jesus

And when I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die
Give me Jesus

 
 
This song, according to internet sources, comes from an old Spiritual sung by slaves. Also, this more modern version has been attributed to both Fernando Ortega and Fanny Crosby.

What’s Your Heritage?

I thank God, whom I serve with a pure conscience, as my forefathers did, as without ceasing I remember you in my prayers night and day, greatly desiring to see you, being mindful of your tears, that I may be filled with joy, when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded is in you also. 2 Timothy 1:3-6

If you had someone in your life who taught you about God, you are blessed. Maybe it wasn’t your parents. Maybe it was an Aunt or Uncle, or maybe a Grandmother, Grandfather, a Sunday school teacher or friend……Somebody who came before you thought it was important for you to know about God.

I wonder if that is going away? I can’t say how many times those old hymns that I learned have come back into my mind at the most unexpected times…..have given comfort when I needed it most.

There is a reason why even hardened criminals or people who have been away from the church for many years tear up when they hear the strains of “How Great Thou Art” or “Great is thy Faithfulness.” Or a Christmas carol.…….It is the power behind the words.

So many parents would never dream of telling their children that there is no God, and yet they live as if He doesn’t exist. He doesn’t figure into any of their hopes and dreams. He may be out there somewhere, yet He never comes up in conversation…..Never is He factored into any of their plans. They are unknowingly withholding the greatest most valuable thing they could ever give their children.

A Godly heritage.

If there is someone whose image popped into your mind just now, please keep them in your prayers today and every day.

And if there was someone in your life that gave you that, thank God for them today.

Soul Washing

“Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt’? Job 38:8-11

This is a must do when you’re at the beach………Ah!!!!!! To see those waves come rolling in, to hear that thundering surf…..to look out over the horizon and see nothing but water meeting sky……To think that God has set these boundaries……Fills me with immeasurable gratitude for just being here…..

This makes the whole trip worth it……..
To see what the shore offers up
To see it wash back.
Gives the soul a cleansing too….refreshing for the spirit as well as the body.
I feel like God washed my feet yesterday!

Post from the road…..

Disney’s Grand Californian Hotel
Wandered the grounds of the Grand Californian last evening, enjoying the relief of Southern California weather perfection…….It is amazing how a simple change in the weather can improve one’s outlook. We went from the arid and blistering 110 heat of the desert and crossed over into  balmy 75 degree heaven……Ah, the simple joy of opening windows and letting things breathe……..A thing that we all take for granted until we can’t do it. I hope I never lose the joy of appreciation.
I was up with the chickens as usual this morning. Elaine’s Nephew insisted that he would be the first one up, but I knew better. My eyes were opened at first light, at the sound of birdsong in the air. I tiptoed out to where everyone was sleeping and made the first pot of coffee, then went out to greet the morning. I was treated to a barest of sliver moons in a pastel sky.
I read from one of the books I brought…..The Holiness of God, by R.C. Sproul…..jotted down a prayer request and a blessing in my prayer journal and then took a stroll around the RV park. It was wondrous. Just being up…..just being able to be cool…..to watch the birds flit from tree to tree, (we don’t have trees this big in Arizona)
Made me feel like I was just waking up to creation all over again.
As I sipped my first cup of coffee made in the old aluminum pot, I was very glad I had made this trip……

When you feel like dust

For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father pities his children,
So the LORD pities those who fear Him.
For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust. Psalm 103:11-14
Sometimes I feel my dustiness…..When I am tired, when I roll out of bed and everything is creaking. When I can’t seem to sleep when I need to, and then nod off in the chair, unable to keep my eyes open. We are so frail, and yet there is a part of us that will last forever. The part that God breathed life into……
Our Spirit.
That is the part that keeps on going when the body and mind are all tired out. That’s that part that will keep on going when we take our final breath on this place we call home.
But until then, we take time out in between the all tired out times. I am planning one of those timeouts tomorrow. I will be heading to the coast…..and blessedly wonderful temperatures. Instead of being huddled inside to escape 110 outside, I will be throwing the windows open to greet balmy perfect breezes and temps of around 70 in LA.
I am looking forward to practising more with my camera……
and reading….
and maybe some blogging too!  
And……a special shout out to Michelle DeRusha over at “Graceful” for introducing me to “picnik” a wonderful site where you can play with your photos and do cool editing stuff.

Taming the tongue

Greer, Arizona

On June 11th, what has now become Arizona’s largest wildfire in history was started. It was human caused, reportedly by a campfire. Around 534,639 acres have burned. The Wallow Fire, as it has been named, is dying down at last. My heart was broken when I read about some of the most beautiful country in our state going up in flames, not to mention the houses and towns threatened. No human deaths occured, which is a miracle. I am happy to say that one of my very favorite towns, Greer has been spared. Go here to check out a great place to stay if you ever find yourself in our State.

Such a devastaing fire, started by one small flame……that’s is what was on my mind when I read this verse from James:

In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches……..
But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.
People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!

The other morning I illustrated the validity and truth of Scripture with my own actions. I wasn’t planning on it, of course, but I did it all the same. It happened as I pulled into the parking lot at work, where we have recently installed solar panels. The fact that they are a wonderful power source is a side note to what really matters to those of us who leave our cars out there in the baking sun for 12 hours now that it is approaching 108-110 in the shade. Covering. They only provided us with two rows of them, in a virtual sea of spaces, however. To say that these are much sought after spots is an understatement.

So now I leave at 5:10 instead of 5:20.

I had just finished praying as I approached what I thought was an available spot. There was a motorcycle parked there. Immediately I cursed them. Yes, I did. And then I had to pray again.

For forgiveness.

How quickly my heart and my tongue can turn from blessing to cursing, Father, forgive me. Sweet and bitter water out of the same fountain…..

And yet, He is faithful to forgive….once again.

I think of that devastating fire, all the damage that will take so many years to restore. I think of all the destruction that negative words can cause and how maybe someone can never ever be restored, repaired from the hurt that goes so deep. I think of how much good that wonderful words can do. How a face can light up from a simple compliment.

It is humbling…..makes me want to do better.