I called my Mom because I wanted to speak with this special girl, but she said they had just left for the pool.
I had been thinking about hearing her voice all day….And I thought of her swimming and how she loves it, and I could just see them in my mind at the pool. And my eyes swam tears…….”She’s ten, she’s ten, she’s ten,” was the refrain that wouldn’t let go. How did she get to be ten?
She is not actually, but she will be in a couple of months. This must be how parents feel. How do they do it? Their hearts must ache with an overflow of love continually. Well, good parents anyway. How do they let go? Maybe it is a really good thing I never had kids. I would have been one of those obsessive parents who follow their kids to school and on the bus. And I can imagine me, standing in the driveway crying buckets…….waving a hankie when they pull out of the driveway and leave for college.
I have a hard time leaving my cats with strangers.
But there she is. And all at once we turned around and she was so tall. Wearing size 10 dresses and impossibly big shoes. When did it happen, and how many moments did I miss in all these years? Silly me, thinking she was still 6 or 7, I tried to pick her up when her feet were burning on the hot cement and almost dropped her. She laughed. Bless her, she has my sick sense of humor.
Is this how God feels about us? After all, every life is sacred, every life is eternal. I know He grieves and misses us when we are away. I know that at the end of a life spent without Him, He aches for what could have been. I know it.
Watch out for her God. I know she has Mommy and Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa, but sometimes they might miss something.
But you never do. Thank you.

Telling the story

The most authentic story is the one we are living out right now.
I felt like a kid on the playground who got picked for a game. You remember that feeling, the lineup, the choosing sides? If you are like me, you hated it. I was always short and not very competitive so I never got picked first. Michelle Fromm always got picked first, and you always wanted to be the one she picked first. I was always somewhere in the middle, and that was fine with me, as long as I wasn’t dead last.  
Today, over at Bibledude.net Duane Scott is launching something very special.
I was invited to take part in this wonderful opportunity to share some of my stories, and though I’m still not sure why, it is a great honor. I think maybe God had something to do with it. The reason this means so much is because I believe in it so strongly. We all have a story and no one story is more important than any other, especially to God.
God has written our story on His heart, and more than anything, He wants us to share His story with each other, and with the world. After all, His story is the one that matters most. Like the old hymn says:
Tell me the story of Jesus,
Write on my heart every word;
Tell me the story most precious,
Sweetest that ever was heard.
Tell how the angels in chorus,
Sang as they welcomed His birth,
“Glory to God in the highest!
Peace and good tidings to earth.” 
Well, that is part of it anyway. This song, written by Frances J. Crosby, tells the redemption story. The most important story that will ever be told. And, your story, our stories, matter.
So pull up a chair, sit down beside us on the bench and we will share a story together. Who knows what we may learn from each other…..
Many thanks Duane, again!

Living the beautitudes

I knelt by my bed, seeking the familiar, looking for home.

Lately, easy things have been difficult and I slog through the day, feeling like I am beating a path through a thick jungle with a machete.

I cherish my days away from work, I count them off, savor every hour. Four, three, two, and now I have just tomorrow. Herding cats would be easier than trying to capture my thoughts right now.  I ache for the simple. I ache for things to slow down.

I hunger for nature even more than food. I need to hear the trees speak, hear my own heartbeat and feel it slow to the rhythm of the bigger picture. But trips are like a far off dream, and the motor home sits silent and empty on the storage lot.

Care giving takes its toll, and the rubber is meeting the road again. And I know it is no accident that other circumstances have come into play, all of them conspiring to create the “perfect storm.” My job is stressing me out big time, and I am in the beginning stages of that time in a woman’s life known as “The Change” BIG LETTERS.

It goes by many names, and no one wants to talk about it so I won’t either. Suffice it to say, it feels like a black shade has been pulled down on my life.

And yet, even with all this going against me, I know this season of my life is an opportunity. A divine appointment. A chance to demonstrate love without getting anything in return. A chance to put my faith into action.

Care giving is extremely humbling simply because of the times you fail. Day after day we are tested. Day after day there are opportunities to succeed or fail at loving.

Just the other morning the clouds parted and God allowed me to feel a tremendous sense of peace, even joy about what we have been doing for the last year and a half……I was pumped up, I was ready to deliver a sermon on the Beatitudes to anyone who would listen.

And 10 minutes later her Mom got up and irritated me to the point that I retorted back to the sarcastic thing she said. Most of what she says is sarcastic but I know that. I should have been ready. And of course her timing is always impeccable.

How can a woman who can’t remember anything you said 3 minutes ago, remember you hitting a pole with the car and doesn’t hesitate reminding anyone who will listen? I guess when you have practiced negativity and denial your whole life, it comes easy, that’s how.

I really don’t know how Elaine does it, and yet I do.

We laughed when she got up and I told her how fired up I was, how I wanted to preach a sermon and then Joyce immediately showed me how far I still was from the Kingdom of God.

I am happy to say that through all this, we have kept our gratitude. Our peace. And in spite of it all, there are a hundred little moments a day where I will absurd moments of joy.

At the library……out by the garden…..sharing a laugh……kneading bread dough…..watching the cats antics.

And getting into the Word can always take me home when I don’t feel I can take another moment.

I can honestly answer the question that Paul Chan throws out in his book, “Crazy Love.” What are you doing right now that requires faith?

Everything, simply everything.

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?  Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you?  Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  Be merciful,  just as your Father is merciful.  Luke 6:32-36

Prison Break

“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

I have been trapped in a spirit of oppression lately. I have labeled it work because that is the easiest thing to blame. There has been much stress there, but the main stress has been within myself. Sometimes we just lock ourselves up in prison all over again, even when we know down deep, that once upon a time Christ set us free.

The circumstances of life make us forget.

And I had to be honest. I had to admit, first of all,  that there were very valid reasons why I was stressed. Sometimes it doesn’t help to label all the reasons why you shouldn’t be stressed, or fearful, or depressed. I acknowledged my blessings…..I do everyday.

I see the pictures of the flooding, and the wrecked houses, and lives, and I know that is not me.

And I thank God everyday for what I have, and it is a lot. And everyday I have many moments of joy, but there was something that wasn’t right under the surface.

And though I don’t have to worry about food, or live in a mud hut, or fear that I might be raped at any second as so many women in other countries do…….or fear for my life.

The exhaustion I felt as I held my head in my hands yesterday was real. On the way to work today I felt much the same. Head pressed to the carpet, I prayed just to get up and go in. To put a step in front of the other and keep going in that direction.

For some reason, the words kept coming back to me when I was driving……..

“My chains hit the ground…….my chains hit the ground……my chains hit the ground.” Just like the song we sing in church just about every Sunday. Yesterday, it was the other song about freedom. “My sins are gone….I’ve been set free…..my God, my Savior has ransomed me…” and I didn’t know why.

But now I do.

Because God wanted to tell me something. And this morning He whispered it to my heart so I could hear.
He said…….“Lori, you need to embrace your freedom.” Just that. And immediately I knew it was the truth because tears sprang. I had forgotten my freedom and put myself in a prison of my own making.

My chains are gone……I’ve been set free.

And today right now, I feel better. And another praise, a big one. Elaine passed all her Commercial driving tests today. There is now a new bus driver in the Apache Junction School District. A new path has opened for her, and I just know God is going to bless all those kids through her.

Thank you Lord!

The Bee Lesson

After morning prayer I went out into the garden, hoping to catch a small breeze. It is August in Arizona, truly the dog days of summer. Eighty degrees this morning at 6 a.m. I sat and noticed that the bees were up early too. Doing their best to pollinate every last Okra bloom. I sat and watched them going about their business, doing what bees do.

Really it was a form of meditation, watching them…..and there is one thing I thought about as I kept watching.

They don’t have to set an alarm to get up.
 
They don’t decide they aren’t going to work a certain day.
 
They just rise with the light and go, without question or thought.

And do.

What a lesson I can learn from them about residing in Christ. I tend to wrestle and war with my emotions with every decision. Everything becomes big. Stress rises within me. I lose the peace.

Jesus was kind of like those bees the garden. He got up at first light, and went about doing good. He did what His Father had created Him to do, and He did it perfectly. And my own lesson here, the one Jesus tries everyday to teach me, is that I can do the same.

I can get up and just rest in Jesus, knowing that He is willing and able to carry out the work He would have me do. And perfectly. All I have to do is take the first step, and keep walking along the path He wants me to walk that day.

And instead of striving……….I can just be.

Like the bees…..and Jesus.

“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth” Psalms 46:10

“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.” Matthew 11:29

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

Counting the gifts once again……Thankful for the bee lesson today……a great day yesterday……moments where I forget to strive and live instead…..new shoes……physical health……a connection made once again with old friends……technology that makes spreading the Word into all the earth possible……froth on my steaming cup of coffee……fresh batch of library books coming…..#933-944

Radical Love

 

“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me?” Jeremiah 32:27

A Morning Prayer
 
 
God, you are the Lord……and great is Your name. All it takes is once brief glance at the Heavens and I know it. Your name is above every name, above all life and everything that moves upon the earth. You are worthy……..You alone are to be praised.
 
Nothing is too difficult for you, no wrong is so wrong that it can’t be made right again.
 
When I think that you would turn your attention to me, even for a moment, my heart fills with wonder and gratitude. Not only did you turn your attention to me, you put those unimaginable thought into loving, terrible and radical action.
 
When you died for me.
 
I need no more proof than that, of how great Your love is for me.
 
Amen.
 
 “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Letting my yes be yes

“But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes ‘ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil. Matthew 5:37
waf·fle 2 (wfl) Informal
v. waf·fled, waf·fling, waf·fles
v.intr.
To speak or write evasively.
v.tr.
To speak, write, or act evasively about.
n.
Evasive or vague speech or writing.
I have learned this one the hard way. I am someone who likes things peaceful and smooth. I don’t like conflict and I am many times too quick to agree or not agree with something if it means not making waves, or making someone else happy. I want to please people. But in the long run, I end up not pleasing them or myself.
Many times in life I have found myself in the uncomfortable position of volunteering or saying yes or no to someone or something and then almost immediately regretting it. In my defense, I have to say that I have gotten better in this area.
I have only come to understand and appreciate what Jesus is saying here more and more as I have gotten older. What he is saying is: “Hey, you will save yourself and others a whole lot of grief if you just give a simple “Yes” or “No.” If you vacillate and agree to something you really don’t agree with or want, you will compromise your character and more than that, and this is the part that’s really painful:
It is poor reflection on God’s character as well.
Not to say that God’s character can be changed because of what I do, it can’t. But if I say I am a believer and people know that? They have a right to expect a certain amount of integrity.
And if people can’t trust my word?
They can’t believe what I say. And what I stand for is in question too.
I had a friend who always had to pray about everything before she agreed to it. Secretly, I used to think that was kind a cop out. A way to get out of doing things. But now?
I am starting to see the wisdom in it.
It saves a lot of time and trouble in the long run when I don’t have to run around doing damage control. It makes others feel much more confident in me.
And me more confident in myself.
What do you think? Have you ever agreed to something and then been really, really sorry?

Peace

 
 
I rush out of work, almost staggering…… to take a deep healing breath. I sit here and I look at these clouds rolling by and I cry for the beauty of them. And in fact, a tear has escaped. It happened before I could roll it back in, to be the strong person I need to be. But who am I fooling?
 
 
Never have I felt more rooted to this spot, tethered to this earth as when I am under this kind of stress.
 
And I resent it, I want to be free of it and I wonder, how did I get here again?
 
And what’s the reason. I wonder, what part of my character has God not yet chiseled out?
 
 I would give anything to stay right here on this bench and not go in. To sit and dream, and let these clouds carry me away. It almost looks like I could hop from one to another……

Oh how I long to stay here for the rest of these twelve hours. Here I am again, Lord. My back against the wall……done under with stress and once again, you are the only One who can help. Others can sympathize and empathize, but only you can take this feeling away and put peace in its place.
 
I am waiting…..

A Mama’s Prayers

See, I will bring them from the land of the north
    and gather them from the ends of the earth.
Among them will be the blind and the lame,
    expectant mothers and women in labor;
a great throng will return.
They will come with weeping;
    they will pray as I bring them back.
I will lead them beside streams of water
    on a level path where they will not stumble,
because I am Israel’s father,
    and Ephraim is my firstborn son.
 
Jeremiah 31:8,9
 
Ever feel like you’re in exile? I think we all do at some point in life. Maybe you are in a job you hate but you know you need to stay there until retirement. Maybe you are in school and you feel like that is exile. Maybe, God forbid, you are in jail or prison. Wherever or whatever that exile is, you are not where you want to be yet.
 
As I have been reading through Jeremiah, I have wanted to get to the “good part.” Israel rebelled as a nation, adopted other religious practices that went against everything God and everything He stands for, even going as far as sacrificing their own children on altars to foreign gods. It is painful to read, knowing what’s coming.
 
Knowing they will be exiled from their homeland, expelled, taken into captivity. Again.
 
And yet, when I read these words, I thought about Israel today. I think about all they have had to go through as a nation and how God was faithful to His word. None of the powerful nations that went against them are around anymore, and Israel is still standing as a nation, as a people.
 
Flash forward to my life right now. And my life up to this point. How like Israel I have been, ignoring God, thinking I knew best, thinking I didn’t need church, breaking my Mom and Dad’s heart when I decided to give up food. And yet……
 
God was so merciful. He never left me. He brought me out of exile, back home where I belong.
 
I am at a crossroads at work right now, and as I was praying this morning, I knew that I had to once again, give it up to the Lord. I am burned out. There is no spark left in this fire.
 
And yet in other parts of my life the fire is blazing.
 
And anytime someone invites me to write or says what I wrote helped them? I am saved a little bit more.
 
There was a time long ago. God brought it to me again as I was praying this morning, like a sweet balm to my soul. All at once I was back home in front of the fire with my Mom. Tears sprang to my eyes as I remembered how she would get up in the morning before I got ready for High School and start a fire. She and I would watch 700 Club together, just the two of us.
 
And she would take my hand in hers, voice trembling, and pray for me.
 
She knew High School was my exile. It was so hard for me in so many ways. My Dad would have prayed too, but he was in his own exile at that time. A job he hated. And yet God brought him out of that too. Because of his never taking sick leave, he was able to retire at 62. A free man.
 
And because of my Mama’s prayers, I graduated and was removed from my exile too. Through it all God taught me the lesson of faithfulness, and never giving up because someone else is believing in you. And that God is with me wherever I go. And He caused some good things to happen in those four years too.
 
I wrote a poem for my favorite teacher back then, my music teacher Wylie Moffat. Even then words were longing to break free in me. He had it framed and it hung in his house up until he died. And my words were used on the cover of his memorial service bulletin.
 
Today, I am thankful for fireside prayers. They are still working.
 
Thank you Mom, for being so faithful.
 

Change a comin……

The relentless heat has tired us all out, even the birds. The desert is waiting for change, waiting to be relieved from the oppressive grip of summer which will surely come, it always does. Just not when we’re ready. In the desert, you live by its rules, not your own. But there are ever so slight whispers of it nonetheless.

This morning I sat outside and there was a breeze and it was bearable. Enjoyable. I sat there thanking the Lord for moments of peace and time off after a challenging work week. The garden yielded a beautiful watermelon yesterday. When I think that this patch of green was a patch of dirt not too long ago, I think of what God does with our lives, that is when we let Him.

Elaine is off to Texas for a few days for a cherished and much anticipated visit with her Aunt Billie Ruth and her cousin Sandra. Billie Ruth is 88 years young, still active doing tours for local historical buildings and spending hours in the library doing genealogy research for others.

I have been alone with Elaine’s Mom and it has been interesting. She keeps asking where Elaine is, and I keep giving the same answer. We are both learning steps to a new dance, neither one is us sure of the steps. But so far, so good. The hygiene issue is ongoing though, and I never thought I would be thankful for the absence of the sense of smell, but at times like this it does come in handy.

Work is stressful right now, and though I have a few days off now, work looms large on Thursday. The biggest challenge? How can I glorify the Lord in a place where I am fearful and anxious?

I feel it sapping my emotional, mental, and creative strength, nipping at my heels even when I am not there. And even though I am so very thankful for this time off that replenishes, Thursday feels like a steamroller and each day brings me closer to its flattening shadow.

Yet, when I think of all that the Lord has brought me through there from my very first day until now, and how He has been with me with every step, it humbles me greatly.

This will be my seventeenth year there, and while there have been countless anxiety ridden moments and nights where I have tossed and turned with worry, there have also been countless victories, and God has brought me some wonderful friends I would never have met otherwise. Friends who I know will be with me for life.

All along, each worry and fear has been calmed and tempered by His gracious Spirit who has been with me every moment, and with me still. Somehow He always keeps the wave from engulfing me totally and until such time as I am able to walk out the door for good, I want to be faithful with what He has given me.

The only possible way is by leaning on Him. Totally.

And to keep a count of all the good, and there is much that is……….cool morning breezes, whispers of rain that hit my window, fresh melon from the garden, Elaine being able to make this trip, that my niece loves her new school, a wonderful Birthday, telephone conversations with friends and family that always lift spirits, fresh batch of books via Amazon, His daily grace raining down even when I don’t deserve it, words that somehow come together, time off……..always grateful for that. #922-932