Walking with God

And the thunder rolled……

“Thus says the Lord……Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; and you shall find rest for your souls. But they said, ‘We will not walk in it.’ Jeremiah 6:16

As I read the words of Jeremiah this morning, reflecting on the wrath of God poured out on a disobediant people, I felt a chill crawl up my spine. Jeremiah had the unpleasant task to be the mouthpiece of God to Israel.

“My soul, my soul! I am in anguish! Oh, my heart! My heart is pounding within me. Because you have heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war!”

Just then, as if ordered by God himself to put a little emphasis on His own words there was a terrible clap of thunder and I almost jumped out of my seat! The anger of God is something I never want to experience personally.

It is easy to feel a little “puffed up” as the Apostle Paul put it, when we read about all those rebellious things the Israelites did, how they strayed from God to worship foreign idols, statues that could neither talk walk or breathe.

How could they, we wonder? After God himself came down in a visual form…..a pillar of fire by night and a cloud by day? After all He had done for them? And all along, there is a loving Father who wants His people back. He longs to love and cherish them and yet they push Him away.

There was another loud clap and in my mind I remembered all those times when I myself have push God away, thinking I knew better….thinking the plan I had for myself was better than the one He had for me. And yet, His mercy and love have pulled me back, over and over again. Not once has He ever refused me.

Oh how He loves us…….His mercy calls us back, new every morning.

As with all things of nature, it thrilled me no end, that clear and powerful reminder. It reminded me this morning who is in control, and it is most definitely not me.

To watch a lightning storm is to watch the finger of God touching down on the earth, and to hear His voice in the thunder a gift, a marvelous thing.

His power, my weakness.

Stewards of His word…..

Then the Lord stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me…….

See, I have appointed you this day over the nations and over the kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant…….

And the word of the Lord came to me saying, “What do you see, Jeremiah?” And I said, “I see a rod of almond tree.”

Then the Lord said to me……..”You have seen well, for I am watching over my word to perform it.” Jeremiah 1:9-12

As I read these passages the thought came to me, “All of us who are writers are stewards of God’s words are we not?” It is extremely humbling. As I read these passages, it hit me. Those of us who write about the things of God need to be accountable for those words, not only what we say but how we say them…..

Today I am linking up with Duane Scott. He has some powerful and timely words that I wanted to share…….

Blessings and peace for your Monday, counting my Gratitude as well.

Coming and Going

“Love doesn’t hide. It stays and fights. It goes the distance, that’s why love is so strong. So it can carry you home.” Unknown

Somewhere in between longing and joy, regret and hardship, tears and laughter, there is a place we call home. When we go back we run into all that history, all those feelings, and in turn they run smack into everything that’s going on now. That’s why going home evokes so many powerful emotions for so many.

It’s the place and people you grew up with, the place you learned to sink or swim, or survive and thrive.

Somewhere in between the place we always seek to recreate and romanticize and the place we never want to see again lies that place we call home.

I go back to the place I spent all of my growing up years, so lots of memories come with it. The sorrows and the joys live there within its walls, along with those things that never seem to change.

The squeak in the porch step, the way the screen door sounds when it slams…….my Mom’s dryer that will never die, the one that never stops, all day long…….and that keeps spinning no matter if the door is open or not. I am convinced that God keeps all her appliances going.

And this time, the garage talked. The first time I heard it, it scared the daylights out of me. “Oh,” my Mom said, “Lauryn has a couple dolls out there that talk and it must be the motion that makes them go off.” I felt like I was in a horror movie where Chuckie the doll comes to life.

Everytime I go home I fry something. This time it was my Mom’s favorite hair dryer. I think it was going on its twentieth year. I looked up and the connection in the outlet was smoking. I caught it just in time.

My Mom constantly complains about not having enough electrical outlets, and it is a valid complaint. Back in the early sixties, they didn’t put outlets in every six feet, about two per bedroom was enough.

There was a new hood over the stove this time. I went to reach for something up in the cupboard and I almost needed a ladder. The new hood extended much further over the cupboard than the last one, but neither my Mom or Dad thought it was a problem when they bought it, they were just happy to have a new one.

The cat still loves to hang out in the sink. The first one liked it there, and so does the new one, amazingly enough!

My Mom still gives me the best of whatever she has. She insisted I have her new fan, not the one that rattles, and having body wash and lotion for me when I didn’t even think she heard me say I needed it. At eighty three she still seems to have everything everyone needs.

My Dad still says, “Everything is better when you’re here…..”

And when I close my eyes I still hear, “Watch me, Nori!” and it makes me happy but sad all at the same time.

My niece still has a problem saying her “L’s.” She was so thrilled that her Auntie was there with her, watching her swim. And she laughed and laughed at the video I made of her kitties getting into a tussle. Her favorite thing to do now is make videos of us when she thinks we aren’t watching and then laugh uproariously when we catch her at it.

I have found that going home teaches me lessons all over again. I learn things about myself and some of them don’t make me happy, yet I am thankful for them because without the realization, the change wouldn’t be possible.

Going home is made up of little hard and soft moments all strung out together.

I realized this, as Mom and I sat hand in hand watching Franklin Graham evangelize India. We each shed tears because how could you not, watching people who have nothing, suddenly gain everything? Part of mine were shed because everytime I am near them, I feel the weight of time pressing heavy.

We are a family in crisis mode, and aren’t we all? And sometimes, most times, I just don’t know to help.

One thing I do know to be true, the faith that has kept us together through so much still stands, will always stand. And always…..He keeps us.

And going home and coming home are both very good.

“The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.” Psalm 121:8

Why aren’t we working at our passion?

Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before……1 Thessalonians 4:11

Maybe it is the line of work I am in, but everywhere I go I hear it, “If I won the lottery I would do such and such……” most of the time, they would not be doing what they are doing now. What they are doing now is putting in time, just like me. They work at something that is not their passion and yet due to economic reasons they can’t quit.

All over the world, there are hoards of us going to work already mentally exhausted. We want to get to the end of the week…..and why?  Because we are not working at something that gives us any true satisfaction. For that we have the weekend. We do the things we love on our days off.

Tomorrow, a co-worker and I will both return to work after being on vacation. I can speak for myself and I think for her as well when I say that we would both rather be somewhere else. We work in a highly competitive field, that of technology. The entire culture is built around being better, faster and cheaper than our competitors. And that ideology trickles down to us, the employees.

We feel we have lost our value. Our identity.

We can never be satisfied with what we were last year, last month, last week. That can really wreak havoc on your mental state. This is not to say that we don’t appreciate our jobs, we do. Each day I thank God for the job He has given me, and yet each day I ask myself,  how can I glorify God in my workplace when I am in the midst of burnout?

And why do so many work all their lives to retirement in jobs that they feel passionless about?

What is it about the American dream that is so alluring, so compelling, that we are willing to sacrifice what we love on its altar in order to get it? I have owned very beautiful homes, one of them in a pine forest on a custom lot with three stories reaching to the sky. But the truth is, this little two bedroom place has felt more like home.

I have learned to be content with less. I have grown close to the Lord here, it is a happy, peaceful place.

This week I will spend 48 hours of my life at work. It is 48 hours I will never get back. I think about all the people I have heard who have quit their day jobs and followed their passions. I remember the story of the big CEO who lost his job, went to work at Starbucks, found his life, and wrote a bestselling book about it.

By writing this post I am acting on my passion, but the challenge remains, how do I put that same passion into what I will be doing for 12 hours tomorrow?

Again I think, we were made for more than this.

We were made for abundant life…………….Jesus promised it.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

Okay God, I’m Listening

 “Hurry is not ‘of the devil,’ it is the devil.” Carl Jung
I am guilty, I confess. Everyday I am in violation of the law. I go over the speed limit, and then I make excuses as to why. But really, I rationalize, who goes the speed limit? If you do the speed limit anywhere in the general metropolis of Phoenix, Arizona, you are in danger of being a victim of road rage, which could result in death, and that would be bad for your health. “I want to live,”  I rationalize.
After all, this is someone else’s idea of what is safe, not mine. 
Why do I feel I am except from following the established rules of the road. Why do I obey the other rules? Why not throw those out too? I think it boils down to a couple of issues, pride and rebellion. After all, I think I should be the one to judge what is safe for me. I know my driving ability.  I pick and choose which rules I think are important and let the rest slide. 
I treat them like suggestions, not laws.
I, I and I.
And, I wonder, what if I applied that rational of thinking to what God tells me to do in His word?  Do I treat those as suggestions too?  Or do I trust God and obey without question?
What actually started all this self evaluation this morning?
I was late for work. And I was mad that the back security gate was broken…..again. So this means I have to use the main gate which causes me to pull out onto a busy road which causes me to wait. I was distracted.  As I accelerated….just a bit,  and rounded the corner I was met head on by two early morning bicyclists.
The wife was riding on the side of the road, but he was in the middle and had to swerve out of my way. I saw irritation on both their faces. I was going slow, mind you, I was only 200 feet from my front door. But I was guilty as sin. My habit of speeding had convicted me, because I know what I do just about every day. And it’s wrong.
And what surprised me even more was how quickly I wanted to find a way to blame them. Just like Eve.
By the time I got to work, my conscience was as out of control as a raging fire. I felt as guilty as if I had fled the scene of a hit and run accident. I had put myself in prison and thrown away the key.
Then when I got to work, a co-worker described an accident they had to detour around. It was a fatality. A driver of a Toyota pickup, due to excessive speed had lost control and had been thrown from his vehicle.
And now someone had to plan a funeral.
Okay, God. You got my attention, I am slowing down now.

Free Indeed

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36
 
Today I got to enjoy something not everybody does.
In fact, many people in the world could only dream of what I got to do. 
I got to get up free from fear.
I didn’t have to worry about someone taking my life.
Or the life of someone I care about.
 
And last night as I went to sleep,
I didn’t have to fear someone coming in and taking what was mine,
or harming those I love.
I got to sleep in safety and security.
 
I got to get in my car and enjoy knowing it would start.
Because I have a job that allows me to take care of it.
Put gas in it.
 
And I got to drive to work.
Many people now don’t have that luxury,
that freedom.
 
And I got to do all these things feeling good.
Not sick.
Some people have to work sick or in pain
because they are afraid they will lose
their jobs if they don’t go in.
 
Then next week, I will get on a plane
and fly away to see family.
 
When some people have so many responsibilies
they can’t ever take time off.
 
But the biggest thing I am grateful for,
that is, next to living in this great country…….
 
is the freedom that Jesus gives me each and every day.
The freedom that He bought for me
with His very own life…….in light of that great fact,
 
there is always something to be grateful for.
 
“Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.” Romans 6:1

A day in the life…..

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful!
For those of you who have been keeping up with this blog, you know the situation with Elaine’s Mom. Each day comes with its own challenges and the heat provides another. And when I work, there is always a story to come home to, last night was no exception. Since the heat has set in, the challenge has been to keep Joyce inside after around 11. The outside swing as been her safe place, but now with the barometer climbing to 110 in the shade, it is far too hot. Yet now her mind doesn’t make the connection that it is too hot.
For some strange reason, she has no inclination to go out when it is bearable in the morning, so Elaine kindly reminds her that if she wants to go out, she has to go in the morning.  Now anytime after noon, there is  a wooden board across it,  complete with sign……”Too hot to sit outside.”
This makes her Mom angry as you might expect.
Yesterday she was more disoriented than usual. In the morning she asked if she could have coffee. Later, she asked how many brothers and sisters she had. After Elaine told her 9, she then asked how many were left. Elaine told her, “3” and her Mom started crying. She then wanted to talk to her sister, Faye, who has been gone for about 6 years. When Elaine told her she had passed away, she cried again.
This went on for about an hour or more. Joyce kept wanting to talk to Faye. Ten minutes later she would ask again. So finally in desperation, she said, “Okay, I will call her.” So she called her other sister Shirley in Texas who also has Alzheimers’s.
They talked about the same thing for an hour. Needless to say it was a very interesting conversation. They talked about a Nephew that hanged himself and how sad it was that a young kid would get to so desperate as to do such a thing. That young kid was 55, and no telling how long ago this happened.
When I got home, I got the recap.
And yet…….God is faithful. So far we have mostly kept our sanity and sense of humor. I truly don’t know how Elaine does it, being with her 24/7…..and yet, I do, I really do.
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves <sup class="crossreference" value="(AA)”>with compassion, kindness, humility, <sup class="crossreference" value="(AB)”>gentleness and patience. Bear with each other <sup class="crossreference" value="(AD)”>and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, <sup class="crossreference" value="(AF)”>which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3: 12-14

Living on the Edge

I look at the clock…..3:10 AM. I lay back down, my heart wonders whether to pick up its beat, but I breathe deep and it settles back down…..Not time to get up yet. I know I won’t go back to sleep, but it is enough that I can lay here for awhile longer. I don’t pray, I just turn over. When the small hand approaches four and the big one nears 12 I hit the button before it has a chance to go off.

I turn my phone over face up to check for messages first thing. With folks in their eighties living in another state, you never know….I fear the message, the voice mail….”We took Dad to Urgent Care last night…..or Mom fell.” Give us a call when you get up. But there are none. Thank you, Lord.

Not for the first time I panic. How much longer will I have them, and what will my life look like when they are gone? I see a gaping hole where they once were, bigger than life. Always there. “You don’t have to worry,” my Mom always says, “the Lord is taking care of us.” But I do. How can I not?

I hear the morning traffic already churning up for the commute. They sound angry today. I hear a crotch rocket tearing down the road and the sound cuts through my head like a buzz saw. Coffee……oh, I need coffee.

I pull onto the freeway and join the morning communion mass. At 5:00 AM it is not nearly full force yet, but it is working itself up to a fever pitch that will reach its peak around 7 o’ clock. I am thankful it is not too bad yet, at this hour.

Help me, Lord……just for today. Just for this 12 hours. I am living on the edge and I never did like the edge. It is stressful at this new place at work. Our little group was thrown in with the big dogs and the heat is being turning up. I think of Daniel in the lions den, Shadrach Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace and I know my little stress is really nothing. But it feels big.

I approach my exit and start to turn off the freeway when I notice a truck trying to speed up and get there before me. “Not so fast buddy,” I think. This little yellow bug may look like something Tweety bird would drive, but it has some get up and go……it has a killer overdrive, it floats over 80 mph.

Maybe he feels on the edge this morning too.

About that time, I hear my Dad’s voice in my head say….”Everybody wants to be a Nascar driver now” and he’s right. But you kind of have to or they will run right over you.

As I pull into the Intel site, I notice a truck ahead of me. It has DVLMAN on the licence plate. Does that stand for Devilman? And why would you put that on your plate?

I guess maybe  for the same reason I put my Jesus sticker on my back window. You have to align yourself with someone. I am just really glad I am aligning myself with Jesus not that other guy.

It is a battle in the parking lot as well, everyone jockeying for the few covered spaces. I didn’t get one today.

I turn the car off and enjoy the few moments of quiet before I go in. And  once more, I thank the Lord for being here with me on the edge. I imagine that He’s sitting beside me. I feel His arm go around my shoulders as He looks at me sideways and smiles, and I know this promise is true.

For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5

When writing heals what is broken

“Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God’s recreation of the new day”
Morning has broken, Cat Stevens
Sometimes God does something that we really don’t expect. Well, usually He does.  And yesterday, I hinted at that something. It was something that was broken off me……and it was supernatural. It was an out and out healing, I really wouldn’t know what else to call it. I wrote a story recently, well God wrote it, actually. And I guess it was a kind of catharsis, because ever since it was posted, the anger that I have been wrestling with has left.
I remember the morning after I sent it, I awoke at 2:00 and it was there. The black presence. I was fighting with it in the dark. I was doing combat. And I was upset because I was robbed of precious sleep. In two more hours the alarm would go off.
It was a person I was mad at. And it was justified, because my friend was hurt because of it. You could say it was a righteous anger. But it was anger all the same. And I recognized it as a tangible thing inside me, building and brewing inside me since all these events of the past few years or so.
It was the anger that leapt up like a fire in me…….when a shirt wouldn’t come off the hanger, when someone pulled in front of me, little irrational things that caused it to flare. And I was never that way before.
That dark morning I prayed just I had other mornings, but that morning I fell asleep hard, and when I awoke that anger had packed its bags and left. God swept that demon out clean. 
I know it was the story.
I compare it to the other morning long ago when I got up and I suddenly knew my mind was healed of anorexia. I sat down and ate……with no guilt at all. That thing inside that held me captive was gone and I knew it.
And there was such joy at the kitchen table that day, my Mom and Dad and I all cried as I told them about a healing dream I had. That morning they got their daughter back from the grip of death.
I remember I ate scrambled eggs, usually a forbidden food.
I know it was the story. I gave it to Him and He did something wonderful with it.
This is powerful confirmation that Dawn is coming.
Once again He has reminded me in a powerful way, that whatever you or I are going through right now, its temporary, Hallelujah.
Tremble and do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
and trust in the Lord.
In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, Lord,
make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:4,5, and 8



The Lord will hear…….

But know that the Lord has set apart for Himself him who is godly;
The Lord will hear when I call to Him.
Psalm 4:3

I pulled out of the driveway a bit late for church. I was thinking that I might miss the music, and that was okay. Certain days, it’s all I want to hear, and other days I would be content to just sit in the silence for awhile. Just to be in church…..

As I sped along the freeway another thought came. What if, instead of doing church, I went and passed out bottled water to the homeless. Went to serve in the foodbank. Went to the rest home and spent the church hour sitting with him. Praying with him. It was a radical thought. That’s what made me think it might be a God thought.

Instead, I felt my tires go the familiar groove, the safe way. Into the doors I went, into the safety of the church. It’s what I need, I thought. This is how I get ready for the rest of the week. This is what keeps me going all week.

And I was glad I went. But at service’s end, I found myself going the back way home. The way that passed the rest home where he was, Curtis, my best friend’s Dad. He has wreaked such havoc over the last few years, well, longer than that. And though he provided for the family, he was an absent father.

Now everyone is absent from his life, well just about everyone.

Though the choices that have led to this result at the end of his life have been his, it makes it no less tragic how he has ended up.

As I drove past, I felt God whisper for me to pull in. And He might have said that I should go in the room, too. But I wrestled with that, and put it aside.

What if he’s in a grouchy mood, what if he’s just gotten his lunch, he stops eating if someone is there…..what if there is a mess all over and soiled clothes piled high in the hamper, like there has been before. The smell reached all the way down the hall. Sometimes he refuses to let the aides pick up his laundry.

I think of him how he looks now. So frail, so weak, a shadow of the man he was before.

I pulled into a space and my swirling thoughts quieted down like snow at the bottom of a snowglobe.

I bowed my head, and prayed for him right there in the parking lot. For his life, for the rest of his life, however much is left. For him to remember what he heard in church all his younger years, he and his sister, still vibrant and full of life at 88. She chose the better path, the path of faith, of life. Of Jesus.

I pray for a miracle before the end.

Then, like that while feather that floated from the sky in Forrest Gump, I realized that a miracle had happened, the anger I had before was gone. It had left like a wisp of smoke and I hadn’t realized it before then,  and I know just when it happened.

Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah
Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And put your trust in the Lord
Psalm 4:4,5

Tomorrow, I will write more…..until then I join with the gratitude community and with the ones who are unwrapping his promises.

Okra reaching for the sky, how my story touched some hearts, and how I made some new friends, completed projects and a clean shop, friends across the miles who text, another chips and salsa timeout yesterday, freedom to gather together in worship one more Sunday, a new friend for my brother, my nieces Mom who takes Lauryn everywhere with her and doesn’t leave her behind, and facebook for keeping in touch. #933-943