Home

When our landscape shifts

He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. Micah 7:19

So hard to leave this place of peace…..As we left the cafe after breakfast this morning I said, “What if we just didn’t go back……got jobs here, lived in an RV.” Suddenly it sounded like the best idea in the world. But then, as soon as the dream took flight, reality set in as it always does.

Responsibility, Oh that. We are, each of us going back to shifting landscapes. Elaine’s Mom has been very combative and she has to address the monumental situation back home. A hard decision will have to be made, and she knows it will be extremely painful.

And while I was away, drinking in the ocean, and cherished time with family and friends, I learned via Facebook that when I go back to work this Thursday, it will be in a brand new place. I was expecting it, just not quite yet. I fully expected to go back to my safe, old comfortable workplace home. So as I said goodbye to a places and people I love this week, I also had to mentally say goodbye to the familiar, the comfortable, the routine. But thankfully, I have a job.

Right now my brother has to decide on a forced early retirement. Whether to stay and risk losing more, or leave and keep what he has now. How can someone who already has so much be given the power to take away what others have worked so hard for?

While we are enjoying the last night on the road before returning home, we are stealing ourselves for what comes next. While our hearts are still on all those we just left, and on their own individual joys and hardships, we also hold the fresh bouquet of memories to cherish.

And the joy we shared this week was real. The conversations were meaningful and the laughter was deeply felt. And as always, there is much to be thankful for.

We leave our prayers behind.

And more go ahead.

God was with us and will be with us through it all……

A Few Highlights…..

I headed to the attic alcove and hung my hat……..
My very own lookout….in the morning I opened the windows and woke up with the Stellar’s Jays racket high up in the trees…..heavenly.
This wonderful cabin had windows that opened in…..I was like a little kid when I saw them!
Our home for two wonderful days…….
Lunch at one of my favorite places with three of my favorite people Diane and Elaine……(My Mom not pictured)
 Meeting the new family member, Abby
I got to spend some quality “Aunty” time with our girl, Lauryn
Lauryn and my brother, Ron who bought us this wonderful cabin for the weekend!
Yes, it is…….
Now we are home, bringing back summer colds but thankfully, great memories to go along with them! These memories we made are such gifts from God and I am truly thankful for every moment……

Lost and Found

“In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!” Luke 15:7 New Living Translation

I posted earlier in the week about our resident Intel cat who greeted me in the parking lot at work on Wednesday, very displaced and perturbed. Her feeding station is all the way around the back of the building, but the landscapers had shown up and she got scared and fled. Seeing her like that bothered me, I wanted her back in her safe place, away from people who may not be too friendly to her. I saw fear in her eyes. I know she recognized my voice and wanted to trust me, but because she was disoriented and scared, she ran from me.

I contacted Steve, our resident Intel saint. He takes his dogs to hospitals and care homes to visit the shut-ins and does so much for the feral cat population at Intel. He has been known to come in on his days off to trap cats and take them to the vet for neutering….He was worried about “Mrs. Howell” too. I worked all week, but a bit distracted. Thinking of her scared there in the parking lot, wanting food.

Yesterday to my joy and relief, I heard her meow when I called. She had found her way back…….She was very happy to see me, as you can see in the photo.

I thought then……how in God’s name do people live through it when their children are lost? I cannot begin to understand how they keep functioning among the living. How do they get up and go to work everyday, knowing they are out there somewhere. Lost…..scared…..confused, maybe trapped somewhere by something or someone they can’t get away from? I can’t imagine anything worse.

That’s how God feels about us when we are lost to Him. Maybe it’s you that needs to find your way back. Maybe you are out there somewhere far away from God. Away from love, safety, home. Maybe you just feel like you are……He wants you back. He longs for it. With every fiber of His Holy being. He sheds tears when we turn away, intent on going our own way, even for a moment. God-sized tears. Jesus came to bring you back.

Like the father of the prodigal son, He waits. He gazes out the window hopefully, longingly. He aches to see that lone figure upon the road. He aches for you.  And He will keep waiting until every minute of what we call time on this earth is up. 

And all of Heaven will rejoice. Welcome home!

I encourage you today to insert a name after this last line and pray that the individual you hold in your heart will come to the Lord and find out what it means to be truly home……I hold Curtis up today, Lord. He needs to find you. Amen

A few photos…….

These were taken at twilight in Micke Grove Park, Lodi California, where I grew up…….it was just my Dad and I running around, looking for good shots. It was a good evening and a precious memory of just the two of us.

As I walked around in the quiet of twilight, I thought of other times there when I was a kid. Going to the zoo and even then, feeling bad for the little grey fox that paced endlessly.  And years later, evenings spent running there with my then boyfriend. Good memories all……

My Dad, sitting with “The Reader” Downtown

There is something comforting about walking streets you have walked for years…….that familiar bump in the sidewalk, that alleyway with other shops you remember from before…..

And finally, the tree where I lost my first lens cap. Three trips to different stores came up empty. My Dad has taken it upon himself to look for it ever since. It has become a personal challenge to find it…..

I have so much to learn about this camera………and photography in general. I would be grateful for any tips from you pros!

Peace and blessing to you this day, Lori

A Different Kind of Lent

“Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.” 2 Corinthians 4:10

A couple weeks ago I was praying and speculating about whether to give up something for Lent. Being raised in a Baptist church, we didn’t do Lent, but I have always liked the tradition. Coffee, books, sugar….those are the things that came to mind right away. I was keeping my heart open……Soon after that, events transpired that made it necessary for my best friend’s mother to move in with us. Suddenly we had to figure out how to make a two bedroom house big enough for three.

My self-sacrificing friend is now sleeping in the Arizona room, which the cats had previously taken over. She gave up her room to her Mom. At first the cats gave the bed a wide berth, a bit apprehensive when they saw it being wheeled out to “their” room, but they are now thrilled at having another place to sleep.

She has a tough job. Her folks are not easy to care for. They are not positive people and never have been. They have taken much and given little. There is one consolation when all is said and done, she will know that there is not one thing more she could have done for them.

There are times, however, when this is not much consolation, especially when your own sanity is in question.
In spite of everything, she remains positive, gracious and a joy to be around. I don’t know how she does it, but then again I do…..loads of Grace, and Prayer. Did I mention her Mom has Alzheimer’s?

In the midst of insanity, and chaos, and stress, there was some humor yesterday.

The remote control was ringing

Lipstick seemed like a good idea on cheeks

She lost her pants, which were in plain sight on the dresser

She programmed the microwave for 1 hour and 55 minutes to heat coffee

And this was all within the first hour of the day. When she saw her Mom furiously scrubbing her face at the bathroom mirror she figured out what she did. And then they both had to laugh…..Grace. Life and death side by side. Things like Alzheimer’s have a way of making death more visible and just when you think it is gone forever the old life comes back……that’s what makes it tough.

And every time we give up something and make room for His grace we wear a bit of the sacrifice of Jesus.

“But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6

Don’t miss the moment……

“Just the simple observations of a quiet morning walk can sometimes have the power to set the whole world right“….this was taken out in the back forty of my brother’s yard.
Coming home, I realize as always that I have brought them all back with me. I hear their voices still in the quiet moments of reflection. This trip was so good on so many levels. We arrived, my friend and I, on the heels of a storm, a very windy one. We blew good weather in it seems, for the whole week we were there it dawned sunny and bright……unseasonably so. It seems we brought the good weather of Arizona and they were all happy we did. 
The trip all started with a phone call. My Mom told me that my cousin had arranged for a group to attend the performance of  “In the Mood.” It started me to thinking……how often will we all be able to get together like this again, my two Aunts, my cousin, my Mom and I? My friend also needed to see her brother, it was time.
Ever have a trip that seemed God ordained? The timing was right for so many things……This trip was like a string of miracles, one after another. Every now and then a trip works out that way.
How wonderful to be heralded by a little head looking out the window in anticipation of my arrival. She was standing on the bed and as soon as she saw me she started jumping up and down.
My friend went on to Modesto, her home town, where she got to spend two wonderful days on a mostly deserted beach in Moss Landing. From her description, I felt I went there myself. It was a good time for just the two of them, and I prayed that they would get to do that together. Another answered prayer…..
And another miracle, she got to attend church with her Nephew, who has been reunited with his wife, now clean and off drugs….both of them now off the street with their six children, all of them in church and doing remarkably well. To think that so much heartache and pain could lead to this? Only God could do that……so many sleepless nights, so many tears and prayers shed for them. To be able to put all that aside and extend grace to them now, that’s Holy Spirit work!
She was also reunited with a friend of long ago, now a Christian too, and clean and sober after many years of addiction. There was much joy in their reunion, sisters now and friends again twenty years down the road….
Even little miracles happened on this trip……I wandered into Tom’s Used Books, never hoping to find a book I was looking for, since it was several years old, and there on the shelf was one copy!
I got to attend an event in my Old High School auditorium that has now been turned into a theater. I would go again in a heartbeat, it was great! Afterwards we went to my Aunt’s house where she layed out a wonderful buffet, complete with champagne. I know it would have been easy for her not to do it. My Uncle suffers from severe dementia and she is his caretaker now….but still, she created a magical evening for us. It was a precious time spend with wonderful friends and family.
One of the best memories I brought back was when my Mom, my Aunt and I sang at the piano just like we used to for so many years….we sang the old hymns together as my cousin held the flashlight, (My Uncle has broken all the lightbulbs)
All my life I have been surrounded by strong people who in spite of much hardship, have never lost the miracle of the moment. They have taught me how to slow down enough to see the magic happening all around us, all of the time……What a gift! How blessed I am to have learned that lesson from them.
photos taken with iphone

Advent…..Come Lord Jesus

When once again Christmas comes and we hear the familiar carols and sing the Christmas hymns, something happens to us, and a special kind of warmth slowly encircles us. The hardest heart is softened. We recall our own childhood. We feel again how we then felt, especially if we were separated from a mother. A kind of homesickness comes over us for past times, distant places, and yes, a blessing longing for a world without violence or hardness of heart. But there is something more–a longing for the safe lodging of the everlasting Father. And that leads our thoughts to the curse of homelessness which hangs heavily over the world.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, December 2nd, 1928 Advent Sunday.

I thought it fitting to choose from these selections from “Christmas Sermons” by Dietrich Bonhoeffer since I don’t have much time to post. I stumbled across this book stuck in Dad’s overflowing bookshelf and thought, “What a neat little book!” Then I looked inside. Lo and behold it had my inscription on the front flap. “To Dad, Merry Christmas, 2005….Love, Lori” I had forgotten that it was from me! And now it has some of his notations and highlights. Those are always wonderful to find. I think of the time in the future when I will open it, and he won’t be here anymore. It is a reality that I must face, sooner rather than later, since he is now 83. At that time, painful as it will be, he will be celebrating a true Christmas for all eternity, waiting for me there. I can imagine him making me a bed by the fire as he did when I was growing up, getting it ready as he did for my little niece just last night.

That is what Christmas is truly about……because of Christmas we have a future in Heaven! That is our reality if we know Christ. Because of that we can join the angels in saying:

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.” Luke 2:14

December 1st has always been a special time for me. It is somehow different than November 30th. A different feeling stirs in my soul, a place of quiet rests within, amidst all the bustle and flow of everything going on…..I always want to drag my foot to slow things down, make it last….pull the oar backwards to stop the flow of whitewater that threatens, waits around the bend.

It will be over all too soon……slow down and make it last. But after all, every day is Advent to us. What a blessing to have such an unspeakable Gift……”And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!” 2 Corinthians 9:14,15

Grandma’s House

501 South Lee……

I got a text from my brother last night, it said: “Did you see my email about Grandma’s house?” I knew immediately that it was up for sale. Last time I was back home it looked just like this picture, pretty rough around the edges.

I always nursed the hidden whisper of a thought close to my heart that when this house went up for sale, it would be my sign to move back to California. I always had a dream to move back in and make it look just like when my Grandpa was alive……You see, when he died of cancer, my Grandmother pulled out every tree, starting with the tree roses that lined the driveway. It must have been her own way of grieving……Imagine two beautiful silver furs nestled in perfect green lawn, tree roses in every color marching along the driveway to the right, and a full garden in back, complete with grape trellis and two cherry trees. And there were always morning glories and hydrangeas.

My brother still calls it Grandma’s house too. He remembers spending time in that yard with Grandpa. So many memories attached to this place……. All the family dinners we had there!  The voices roll through my mind like waves when I see these pictures….This was my other home, my second safe place, a place where I was always welcome, secure.

When my Grandmother went to the nursing home, it impacted me greatly, more than I probably knew at the time. I was twenty one and I had taken the reigns of my life back from God and was failing miserably. In the throes of anorexia, I would walk and walk and no one knew where I went. It was here that I came. My Grandmother was no longer there, but all her stuff still was. I would let myself in the door and surround myself with her. We all dealt with our loss differently I guess. I stuffed mine down deep inside.

God knows all about loss…….But I never gave Him the chance to bring me through that one. If I had, He could have taught me how to bring that loss to Him and be healed.  Instead, I left Him outside and tried to deal with things alone, which never works.

As Robert Frost said, “way leads on to way…….”life does that.

I can see my books resting on these shelves, can’t believe they didn’t paint over the knotty pine!

Circumstances being what they are, I can’t buy the house. I shed a few tears this morning, letting something go that never really was mine anyway, and it’s okay. I can give this to God too. It was fun to think about when it wasn’t a reality. Now that the reality is here, I know that the timing is not right. If that was where God wanted me, I would be there now. I have learned one thing in life and that is this: home is ultimately where He is, and He is everywhere I go.

I am glad for one thing, whoever owned it must have loved it. Though the outside looks rough, the inside has been taken care of. They even kept my Grandmother’s old stove. I will pray that whoever buys it will keep loving it and senses that once upon a time, love rested there.

Grandma’s kitchen where she used to make her homemade kuchen.

What about you, ever had an emotional attachment to a place? Do you now? I would love to hear about it.

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”  Matthew 6:33

Prayer for the Orphans

Painting by Thomas Kennington

Lord, I pray for your dear ones waiting for loving arms to surround them and for the fear and hopelessness that comes when no one arrives….Every child deserves to know that they have a place in someone’s heart, that they are worthy of love, that they don’t have to go through a hard life alone. I pray that we, your church would swallow up every last orphan, Lord until there are none left to wonder if they are loved, if they are worthy.

I pray for the courageous ones who have already stepped up, been obedient to Your word, sometimes at their own personal sacrifice. They are storing up treasure in Heaven as they care for Your own little treasures here on earth. I know Lord, that there are many different kinds of orphans and I pray for these too. These orphans of divorce, who sometimes wonder where they belong or who they belong too as they are passed back and forth from home to home to home, and I pray for the guilt that comes for all involved, and for Your healing touch for everyone in this kind of heartache today.

I pray also for those orphans who have two parents, but absent ones, indifferent ones, ones who know nothing about their own children as they run around doing everything else, but spending time with them, nurturing them, caring for them, knowing what they like to do, what little joys they hold dear.

I am humbled and so grateful Lord that I had parents who loved me and a home, a place. Everyone needs and deserves this, Lord. And remind me that to whom much is given, much is required….

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Go here, here and here to see some wonderful people who are making a difference.


Celebrating my praise and thanksgiving today with hopes that others can know, #442 the feelings of belonging that come with a father’s loving touch, #443 a mother’s arm around the shoulders, #444 a brother’s gentle teasing and the love that is behind it, #445 a home to run to in the rain, #446 a mother’s call for dinner, #447 knowledge that you have people behind you when life gets tough, #448 a knowledge of a Father in heaven who loves them, #449 knowing even when you are far away, that place remains in your heart, #450 knowing someone cares about what matters to you.

holy experience

The Gift of Memory


Remembering, we settle into the rocker on the front porch, the front porch of our minds, and gaze out at the view. Sorting through, we pull up the pleasant memories and settle in for awhile. The view is great, and it’s good to remember. Memory is one of God’s best gifts. Practicing selective memory we can even edit out the ones that weren’t so great and go on to the ones that were. Or if there weren’t any, we can even manufacture our own version of the past.

My friend and her brother had an interesting conversation with their Mom once. Their memory was decidedly much different than hers was. You see she worked all the time, wasn’t home, they signed their own report cards and what they heard most of the time growing up amidst the chaos was, “Get out of the house, I need to sleep!” She was saying that she made them cookies growing up. They both looked at each other incredulously, for she had never made a cookie in all their childhood. She didn’t like desserts, so they didn’t get them either. But they do remember making macaroni and cheese together in the middle of the night, that’s one memory they hold onto.

Ask yourself what your child will remember of their childhood. What sights, sounds, smells, images will take them back, and will it be good? Will they remember laughter, or stony silence? Animated dinner conversation or the crackling air of irritation, impatience, anger. Will they remember trips taken as a family with pleasure or will they associate those trips with a sense of anxiety?

The wonderful thing about all memories good, bad or indifferent, is that they can draw us closer if we let them. Even the bad times have a wonderful way of bonding us together when we have traveled down the road a bit. We just have to let them do their work.

God has a memory book called the Bible. It is His Book of Remembrance. If we keep it close we will always remember who He is and who we are. It is His way of saying, “This is what happened, and it is a part of you too, it is your heritage, filled with stories of My people and yours. Read it, live it, and it will become part of you. Most importantly, it will carry you into eternity with Me.”

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Deuteronomy 11:18

Not only that, the Bible is a living book, just like we are all living memories of what has come before and what will come after….

Keeping memories alive today with the counting……#401 opening tent flap disheveled to first heavenly cup of coffee, #402 a juice bar at the end of a hike, #403 rain on tent roof, #404 Mom’s hands curling my hair for picture day, #405 brother and I getting in trouble for laughing at Grandma’s table, #406 warm fronts, cold backs around campfire, #407 getting inside inner tube and rolling down Aunt’s hill, #408 something baked from scratch waiting on counter after school, #409 the sound of metal skates on cement, #410, watching Dad sketch and make a beautiful drawing from nothing…..

holy experience