Christian living

Why I took a break, and why I’m back

Sometimes the blogging world gets noisy. And sometimes you even forget why you blog. And you go to a post where you feel you have held your heart out to the world…painfully so, and you get no comments. And you are disappointed. Even though you know you aren’t writing for:
Accolades……Comments……Validation…..and those are all good things, that was never my motivation.
And you read all these wonderful other blogs, and you feel like your voice is just one more and it’s not quite as beautiful, as esthetically pleasing….as skillful, as creative….fill in the blank.
A scribbling on a blank piece of paper could save your life, if it is just what you need to hear in that moment. 
I have also been mad at the “blogger” platform. Different reasons. All of a sudden my playlist didn’t work. It won’t start playing right when you open my blog. I thought I had it set up to do so, but I still can’t get it to work right.
When I noticed myself scrolling to comments right away? That’s when I knew I had lost my way. I needed to remember Who I was blogging for and why I started in the first place.
Only three reasons, but they are big ones. God, the Word, and You the readers.
I have been going through some changes myself, and no doubt this blog will change with me. Change is a good thing. But the one thing about this blog that will never change is the message. It is a little four letter word but it means the world…..and it’s what the world needs right now:
Hope.
And I realized another thing. My little voice means something, and so does yours.
And after all, how many voices are too many for praise to the living God?
This year has been tough, and it still is. Going on two years of care taking and it takes its toll no doubt about it. But Elaine and I are still laughing despite the circumstances. And now I am going through some other things personally, physical changes which I have talked about here.
And even when the moods are incredibly dark? The amazing thing is that at unexpected moments I have this absurd joy. It just won’t stop, because God has me. And He has you too, no matter what else is going on in your life. Because each and every one of us has circumstances we have to deal with. Those will never go away.
But neither will God.
That, my friends is my main message. And this morning, as if to highlight what I was feeling, this song came on and it said: Let my life song sing to you.
Let my life song sing to you. And you and you.
And like those stones along the road to Jerusalem that would not be silent?  I will never ever stop praising Him, because He is worthy.

(Re)acknowleging my Desperation

Today, Lord I acknowledge my desperate state before you. Anything less means I am walking around in a state of delusion. When things are going well, it is so easy for me to think I have things under control. That I don’t need you quite as bad as when circumstances are:
unpleasant, painful, spiraling out of control………….But the truth is, I need you just as much and in just the same measure every single day.
Sometimes I act like a person holding up a golf club in the middle of a lightning storm. I flirt with the world, I skate on the edge, I get too close to swinging the doors wide open that should remain closed.
And I shouldn’t. Forgive me, precious Lord. Thank you for remembering my dust. Help me to never take advantage of your good grace. I acknowledge again that though you are completely Holy, you are not waiting up there to strike me down when I fail, but waiting with an arms open kind of love.
And forgive me for asking you once again to deliver me from things you have already set me free from. Sometimes I have amnesia. You are infinite Love. I remember again and again the great length you went to save me.
All the way from Heaven to earth.
Goin back to the foot of the cross today.

The Flip Side of Sadness

Last night I had some company. First to show up in my dream was my cousin John with the crazy staccato laugh, huge heart and endless pranks. He and his brother George were always up to something. When they were little, they asked my Aunt Esther if they could decorate their rooms for Christmas. After she told them they could they scooped up buckets and bagfuls of brown pine needles and covered the floor and everything else in their room…..Join me here at Bibledude for the rest of the story…..

Always is a good time to pray

The ballots have been counted up and I am rejoicing in the fact that I will not have to watch any more campaign commercials. I won’t deny that I am disappointed……but not in God. Never in God. On the way to work I heard a great praise song on the radio and I was able to pump my arms in the air (while I was stopped at the red light), and thank God that despite everything that happens in this life……

He is still on the throne.

So now we get on to Kingdom work. I have no idea what the next four years will bring. All I know is that I hope that it will bring more people into God’s kingdom.

And it is always a good time to pray, now more than ever. Even though the one I voted for won’t be taking up a seat in the While House, I have to think back to the best and worst moments in my life and ask myself a question. With eternities values in view, how much does this really matter.

Right now today, if something happened to someone I love this little election and all my feelings about the next four years would cease to matter. We have very important things to do. And I was challenged by the Internet Monk today to pray for our President.

It might take some work, but I can do it. Because he needs God just like everyone else.

Jesus wins by a landslide

 
To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen.
 
 “Look, he is coming with the clouds,”
    and “every eye will see him,
even those who pierced him”;
    and all peoples on earth “will mourn because of him.”
So shall it be! Amen.
“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.”



There are so many more important things going on right now than this election. Yes, I will vote today, and yes, I believe it matters how we vote, but ultimately what matters is who is ruling and reigning on the throne of my heart today.

Unless He is? None of this really matters. And I am thankful today. So thankful that I know who will write the end of this story. All over the world, people are doing great and courageous things. Pastors in Haiti are caring for orphans. Sleeping with them outside on the ground.

People are fighting for our freedoms  and putting their own lives on the line, thinking nothing of it.

Our troops.

God has a plan for this world. He died, He rose again, He is coming back. No matter who is in office in the White House, or any other house. So today I will vote, because I still think it is important to exercise our wonderful freedoms. And then I will watch the results and I won’t be disheartened if my choice doesn’t win.

Because I know who untimately does.

The Big Ticket

As we approach the ticket counter to US airways I am staggered at the amount of people in line. There are always a lot of people at the airport here in Phoenix since it is an international hub, but this……this is crazy. The line was so long they had to split it up into two groups, parted like the red sea.

They were all wearing the same expressions of worry and anxiety, and now so was I. It dawned on us that this must be because of diverted flights due to Hurricane Sandy. Everyone was orderly and somewhat calm. TSA has effectively whipped us huddled masses into submission like recaltritant children. I looked at them all, jostling kids, bags, nerves, and me right among them.

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Matthew 9:36

I still had time, but would it be enough? We went out to curbside and there was a line but not nearly as bad. I bantered with two ladies going back home to Toronto about our general complaints of the airlines. How they are charging for every little thing.

I punched my confirmation number in the little space on the screen and my ticket was spit out the bottom. I clutched it as any apprehensive flyer does. It had my name on it, a little bit of peaceful assurance in a scrap of paper. My seat was 9F.

Upstairs it was more of the same. Everywhere, people scrambling to get home or leave home.The line was four deep going through security. I passed the Canadian ladies again. One of them asked, “How did you get ahead of us?” And we laughed.

I reached for the bin, filling it up with everything I could take off…..scarf, shoes, belt, metal jewelry, sweater. I was motioned into the infamous TSA scanner……Arms up and hold please. The evil scanner. Will I ever get used to this?

Put my heart under Your scanner Lord. Tell me what I am doing wrong……. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts” Psalm 139:23

I thought of how at first, I had refused to fly. On justifiable grounds of gross invasion of privacy. Just the topic would sent me into a fit and quoting the first amendment. And now I just go through like everyone else. Just one of the cattle.

I clutch my ticket, make all my calls, and settle in for the boarding announcement. I think of myself, one who dreams often of being in the wrong place, or late, or being six months behind for a class and realizing I have not turned in one assignment. Its always so important for me to be in the right place at the right time.

I scan my boarding pass for the 5th or sixth time, noting the boarding time, the zone number.

I think about that other ticket, to that most important of places. The ticket I clutch even more tightly as the years go by, my Bible. The Words of God. That’s one trip I want to be prepared for more than any other. The Holy Spirit is my deposit. I lean back in the seat and breathe deep. Thankful.

I won’t be late because it’s all in His timing.

“…….and he has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us.” 2 Corinthians 1:22

Remembering the bread

In the midst of my “not so good” day, I saw when I opened my lunch.
And I remembered……
Yesterday didn’t start out so good. Shortly after I got to work, my supervisor came up and questioned me about “an incident.”
It seems there is one who has it out for us and this morning she left another nugget behind. It was a treasure she mined from somewhere, and then sent it out to her OM and ours. She wanted to share the wealth. We launched our own investigation and could find nothing out of the ordinary.
No doubt about it, sometimes the stress at work can be toxic. In every area I hear the same thing:
“So and so won’t do their job so I can’t take a break”
“So and so made me feel like an idiot last time she trained me”
“So and so wouldn’t even answer my phone, while I ran downstairs to get some food”
In every case, the complaints are valid and true. I know the people in question.
At certain workstations you can almost feel the tension crackling in the air, and yesterday, after “the episode” I was on edge. 
I have heard that the lady in question does this wherever she goes. We have notes left at our station. Nasty grams I call them. I haven’t had to deal with a personality quite like her before at work, so this is new to me, but I am determined to win her over.
I feel sad that someone is that determined to catch others in the wrong. Makes me wonder what she is hiding. Or what is missing in her life that she feels the need to do this. I am determined to be a peace maker in this situation.
And then I worried all day about my car. Something is wrong and it may be major. And I didn’t know whether it was still under warranty. Big dollar signs if it’s not.
I go downstairs and see the huddled masses crouched over their lunches, talking, eating…..some in meetings, some catching a break before they go back to work. All of them treasured by God, every last one. I am thinking of getting out of this crowd…….sitting in my warm quiet car sounds so good.
It is when I am unwrapping my sandwich that I see it. And suddenly just for that moment, God breaks through. I see the homemade bread and it conjures a sweet and precious memory. I think of the first time we made it together this year. Elaine had never made bread from scratch.
Oh how she laughed at me, getting all involved in the dough. Memories washed over me, of my Grandma in the kitchen. Of walking in and seeing every size and shape of dough creation piled on the counter. I thought of crisp fall days and bread just out of the oven.
She watched me knead…….”You gotta feel this,” I said. And as I felt that familiar texture when it’s still a little sticky but it’s just the right kind of elastic, I said….”Yeah, baby!” and then gave a huge sigh. She asked if I wanted a cigarette. Honestly it felt a little naughty. I never realized how much I missed it!
My heart lightens like it has been suddenly been caught by a helium balloon lifted into the clouds and a smile stretches across my face right there in front of the microwave at work.
It was a God moment.
And that evening I prayed as my relief came in. I was calm. And so was she. I brought up the issue. Turns out she was resending the same report she sent out a few weeks ago. There was no “new incident.”
I was a peacemaker, and it felt good.
Not only that, I found out my car is still under warranty.
God is good…….all the time.

Alzheimer’s Diary…..A continuing lesson in love

And above all these put on <sup class="crossreference" value="(A)”>love, which <sup class="crossreference" value="(B)”>binds everything together in <sup class="crossreference" value="(C)”>perfect harmony. And let <sup class="crossreference" value="(D)”>the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called <sup class="crossreference" value="(E)”>in one body. And <sup class="crossreference" value="(F)”>be thankful. Colossians 3:14

I have probably tacked this verse onto the beginning of posts more often this year than any other. Have you put on your love today? This past year, I have had to start over time after time, day after day. As most of you know who read my blog on a regular basis, we are working on year two of Elaine’s Mom living with us.

It’s been tough, to say the least. Hygiene is an ongoing issue more and more. We are working on week 4 with no shower, again. The last time, Elaine had to physically get in the shower with her because she refused to put water on her head. And she was washing with shampoo. Incontinence is also a problem. She refuses to wear the undergarments so bedding has to be changed often….laundry done several times a day.

Because she has been increasingly combative, her dose of Anti-psych drug was doubled just this past week. We noticed the rage has been just barely contained….it’s always just under the surface. The pacing and the agitation seem to go hand in hand.

It is disheartening and sobering for Elaine to realize that right now if her Mom were not on the Seroquel she would be in a lock down unit as we speak. Her Mom still knows very well where she is, but when her Doctor tells her that if she won’t let people take care of her she has to go somewhere where they can, he is met with indifference, a shrug of her shoulders.

It has been a constant challenge for both of us to do that “putting on love” thing Paul is talking about. And I am on another trip to California to see my family on Sunday. It’s hard to be the one always left behind. For two years, she has had to watch others travel, go on weekend trips, vacations. That is what caretakers face every day…….for them life has stopped. They feel just as chained as if they were in stocks.

And how can life still feel like it’s at a standstill, when the workload never stops?

Please pray? For wisdom, and strength to bear up. To keep laughing somehow. To know when to say “when.”

Pray for strength and grace for me as well. That I can be the right kind of support. Too often I feel like the check marks on my own personal report card are screaming out a big red “fail.” But God knows my heart, thankfully.

I take comfort in the fact that He hears my prayers of forgiveness uttered after every exasperated blown out sigh……He knows we are all dust after all, nevertheless a kernel of God keeps us all preserved for eternity.

Praise God.

And more and more and more, we are craving the peace, the harmony that used to fill the house. We still have it for the most part, we just have to fight for it where before it was effortless.

Here is the magic formula that works for any and every situation:

Love + Peace = Harmony

I will need until every last breath to put it into practice.

The Final Answer

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
I smoothed the sheets on my bed this morning and said a prayer of thanks because I didn’t feel like I did yesterday morning. Yesterday I wasn’t ready to enter into the day and I did something I never do on a day off……I went back to bed. Yet, even as I crawled back under the covers, I was aware that it was a luxury.  Just the fact that I could do it. Most can’t.
I pulled the covers up, curled into a ball and slept until 9. For me, that’s late.
After that I went to Walmart, which is my new place between places. I call it my own personal Bermuda Triangle. I sat with my cart amongst the fake Christmas trees and patio sets and smiled at the irony. The depression snaked behind me, but just then I felt I had outsmarted it. I felt cushioned in an island of peace. Even the pink one didn’t bother me, it stood there innocently wearing sparkling white lights. How could I get mad at it?
I sat there playing my Words with Friends like I had nothing else to do. And it was good.
I got back and put everything away. And Joyce was agitated and pacing. I had closed my bedroom door and I think that threw her off too. Alzheimer’s patients are like Autistic kids in that they like routine and they like normal. They don’t like change.
And she forgets that Elaine has a job now and wonders where she is. Imagine never remembering anything? Your mind would have to work 10 times harder than anyone else’s.
Every time I sat down at the keyboard to clack out words…..she came in or out the door. I gave up trying to write. I felt hemmed in, so I went outside for awhile and watched the birds eat the bread I left. The cactus wrens were up to their usual antics and I couldn’t help but smile watching them.
And later the phone rang and it was a dear blogger friend just calling to say……”I have been praying for you.” Never underestimate how important that is. To me it was grace like spring rain.
He told me his frustration about how some of his young friends just don’t seem to get it. That it’s not all about them, but it’s about us and how we are all in this world together. And about Haiti and a world of people in need. And suddenly my problems felt smaller again. And I was able to write about just that very thing. Thank you, Duane Scott. You are a treasure.
Elaine came home after having to call four parents for out of control kids on the bus. They were new kids added to her route. She was exhausted. It was obvious the other driver had been ignoring the bad behavior. And then she sat in a training class where one of the other drivers constantly interrupted the instructor with unbelievably foul language.
Nobody was saying anything, so she finally did.
Then later my Mom called and told me of her friend’s daughter in law. She is in Stanford right now, a mother of three. They were all camping and she came home with a fever. Now something is attacking her liver. She is in Stanford undergoing tests and they can’t find anything wrong, all those very bright minds.
And it was morning and it was evening and God is pulling the shade down on another day.
And the team we were rooting for last night is going to the World Series.
Each day has its own set of wins and losses. Sometimes people get it but sometimes they don’t. And it’s okay……..We do the best we can any given day. And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness and prays for us with groans that words cannot express.
And in every conflict, as my friend so wisely said, the answer is always the same……Love.

Fighting the Change

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live 20 and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Deuteronomy 30: 19,20

I awoke this morning with a familiar feeling, one I didn’t like. I was flat. Not happy, not depressed……just flat. I am in the beginning stages of that place in life known as, dare I say it? “the change.” Sshhhh, I won’t say it out loud. I didn’t use bold face type or big letters. It is not a real uplifting topic for women, (or the men who live with them.) But it is a reality.

I had a choice in that moment. To settle for how I felt, or to fight for something better. That is what it really comes down to each and every day. A choice for life or death. Victory or defeat. So I got up, grabbed some coffee and sought life in the pages of the book that was lying on the floor by the bed. The one that gives life…….I flipped open to Corinthians and there I found this verse:

“For thanks be to God, who always leads us to triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place, for we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.” 2 Corinthians 2:14,15

God has taught me that I don’t have to settle. I don’t have to slog through the day feeling like this.

I can have victory in Christ.

As I rustled through those pages, I started to feel more like life and less like death. And I realized something else. If I had settled for that feeling?  I would have missed the beautiful fragrance that the people in my life are giving off,  because they are making the choice to get up and give life to me. And I don’t want to miss it.

I don’t want to have to apologize because I have been so focused on myself that I don’t see the hurt in your eyes for being ignored, not appreciated, not valued.  

We all have heard about muscle memory. Trained athletes know it. The muscle remembers. But so does the mind.  

That is what I remembered with tears this morning on the way to work. I remembered how I had to fight for life after my healing from anorexia. The healing of my mind had to come first, but then I had to begin the long battle of healing my body. You don’t starve your monthly cycle away without having to work hard to get it back.    

I remembered getting up in the dark before anyone else was awake, and running….just running. In the cold and in the dark all I heard was my feet slapping on pavement and my heart pounding, my breath coming out in puffs. I didn’t want anyone to see me because I felt I was repulsive. I had ballooned to 125 pounds from 80, largely from fluid buildup that came from wreaking havoc with my hormones.

But morning after morning, I got up, I went out, I fought back.

And today, I can smile on that victory. Because God heard the prayers of hurting parents, and He heard me too, down there hitting the pavement. He was with me.

Later, after I felt a bit more confident my Dad went with me. It was good, just he and I running together. And someone else I didn’t even know was watching too. I later learned that my future husband watched us run from the window of Flame liquors where he worked for years. After we met he told me this. Life is amazing isn’t it?

I can rejoice now in the suffering, because of the victory at the end. Because much of life is getting back up over and over again, no matter how you feel and fighting back, because you know life is always worth it.

Restoration and light and life waits at the end of the road. And once we’ve come through? We can help each other find the way out.

When you have had part of your life ripped away is when you begin to know the true value of it.  

All over the world today, people making the choice. Some even when it would be much easier to choose death.

Choose life with me today?