"And when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done is secret, will reward you……"Matthew 6:6
I don’t remember when I wrote the above lines in my journal, but it is just as true today as when I wrote it. On any given day we are deluged with a cavalcade of words. It can be staggering. Too many. Our attention spans have shrunk. Our phones have taught us to measure information in snippets precisely because it’s a kind of survival. We can only handle or absorb so much. Should I add to the torrential flow? That’s what we deal with as writers. Can I add anything of value that hasn’t already been said?
I sense a whisper from the Holy Spirit saying, “How much is too much when you consider all that God has lavished on you?” Exactly. There are never too many words to describe how wonderful, how amazing is His love for us. It’s the balm that heals the soul when everything you see and hear in the world gets to be too much. If “the labor and heavy laden” describes you, He’s got you covered.
“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
He meets us where we are. In the days where nothing seems to come together. Or when you feel like there is a mushroom cloud of dread over your head and you have no idea why. Or when you suddenly want a glass of wine because that was your cure for many years, even though you already fought that battle and have won the victory in Jesus.
It was an off day yesterday, but today the tea is comforting, I found a book I wanted at the library, and my sense of well-being is intact again. Also, the first of the winter birds were back at the feeder this morning. The gray tide of unrest has receded until next time. Living this side of Heaven, we can rest assured there will be a next time (but that’s okay) I will be ready. I have my Spiritual armor handy. This can be found in the book of Ephesians (6:14-17)
I have found a steady and true Joy ever since I have found that plumbing the depths of Scripture is not merely a discipline, but survival and a way of life. I heartily recommend a strong Bible study with someone who you know to have experience and gifted by the Holy Spirit to teach. This has been life changing, truly.
The weather is changing and it looks like we will be getting an actual Fall soon. The leaves are hinting about coming down, some are anxious to get it over with and are losing their grip already. Soon, they will be raining down and filling the streets, “Dirty nasty trees” Elaine calls them. She really liked how clean and orderly the desert was. I have to admit; it was clean looking. Cactus just pretty much stay cactus after all. Even those brilliant blooms make no mess in their wake. As I have found, every place has a distinct beauty all its own. I have to admit I do sometimes miss Arizona, the crisp brightness of it all, and those magnificent violent storms with their breathtaking skies. Here is one of those:
And to end today’s post, a restful bench I found on a road trip to Globe, Arizona. Until next time, may God fill you with His grace and peace……
The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined. Isaiah 9:2
Many writers and bloggers choose a word for the New Year. I remember last year I was entertaining this idea and before I could even ask God what word He would whisper to my spirit from His, the word came:
GLOOM
This can’t be right, I thought. Most people get hope filled inspirational words others could latch onto happily like HOPE, JOY, PERSEVERENCE, FAITH, LOVE. But I get Gloom, and it was persistent. Recent circumstances have brought forth the meaning in someone I care about deeply. Something that was supposed to be a relatively low risk surgical procedure has turned into a nasty infection and she is fighting it with everything she has. It’s been almost two months now. We are fighting it together with the Lord and all His angels we can muster. We’ve both had our turn at caretaking both sets of parents, and now it’s her turn to be taken care of. And that’s tough for someone with a caretaking spirit. And we ask why. My best friend is a person who rises each day and sincerely wants to leave someone or something in her world better.
Life can turn on a dime. We all know this. What started out as a procedure that is done each and every day, (with minimal risk, we were told) something both our brothers had done, and my mom had done twice. How could this seemingly innocuous procedure leave someone young(ish) and active, first in the ER, then in ICU? This is my person, my sister in Christ, my best friend of almost 40 years, someone who fixes everything broken. How could this happen?
Three surgeries in 3 weeks, and the days stretched on. An agonizing night in the hospital praying and holding her hand when she awoke battling fear and great pain. You quickly get used to a different life. It’s very hard to watch someone you love suffer, and harder still for them, cast suddenly into a world of IVs, endless rounds of pain meds, not to mention the horrendous pain itself. If all went well, she was supposed to be home 2 weeks ago, doing therapy and walking around.
I re-learned that a whole host of people have been cast unwillingly into this alternative universe. I learned the agony of waiting in the waiting room for any news at all. Of course, I knew that others had this life and I was empathetic, but I wasn’t part of it. Until you are the one standing at the elevator in exhaustion, forgetting what button to push, it is just a sad nod at someone else’s life.
We have now moved from the hospital life to a convalescent life. An alternative universe of still another set of challenges. The first room she shared an adjoining bathroom with a man who wasn’t all there, both physically and mentally. She awoke to him walking through the room stark naked and he then proceeded peeing all over the bathroom floor. (And she fighting a major infection) Then there was the one who yelled for help all night across the hall. It was starting to feel like “One Flew Over the Cuckcoo’s Nest.” We enlisted the help of a wonderful PT who came to the rescue and got her moved to the next wing. (Thanks be to God). It has been better over there. Thankfully, the staff for the most part is good and geared toward getting people out of there if they possibly can.
Thanksgiving came and went in the hospital, and Christmas will come and go in Rehab. Our Holidays have been spent clinging to the Rock (Psalm 18:2) and calling on the name of Jehovah Rapha, our healer. I drove through some of the roughest streets in Stockton at night during Thanksgiving. An adorable porch display on Acacia Street with lights and inflatable turkeys made me cry for some reason but I was grateful for it. Something about the hope in that silly little display touched my heart. In my other life, I would never have driven any of those streets at night, (there was a gang shooting that took place close by that same week), But God delivered me from all fear and brought me safely home each time.
And Satan, ever vigilant to swoop on those who belong to the Lord, one morning got the best of me. My thoughts were blackest of black and his voice taunted me. “Does the Lord always heal?” He then set about reminding me of all those who I had prayed for in the past who had left this earth for eternity anyway.
It’s easy to have faith when you think you know the outcome, but how about when the path ahead is obscured? That takes real faith. It’s the “Help my unbelief” kind of faith.
When my mind was grasping for sanity, there in the dark I cried to the Lord as the Psalmist did:
In my trouble I cried to the Lord, and He answered me. Deliver my soul, O Lord, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue. Psalm 120:1,2
In this case the lying lips were straight from hell, and I don’t belong there. I told him that too. I claimed the blood of Jesus over all of it. And then like a crack of warm oil flowing into my heart God reminded me of how I had been healed so many years ago. “Remember that day, Lori?” Oh yes, Lord I do. Please forgive me for listening to that voice even for a minute. Then I got up and prayed face down upon the chair and felt all the darkness dissipate. The cats were worried.
And the day got better. On the way to the Rehab a rainbow revealed itself as God’s eternal promise. This after weeks of no sun in sight. And later, in the Doctors office, Elaine got both drain tubes taken out. (We prayed for at least one). Later I stopped by the library having dumped the 3 books I couldn’t seem to focus on, there on the new shelf was the new one by Jan Karon. Another God sign, (I’ll take it).
In light of all these things, we hold out Hope because we know the One who can vanquish the darkness of this world.She has been asking everyone in the hospital if they know Jesus. When you have been through the valley of shadows struggling for breath, you realize again what’s truly important.
In the meantime, while we are here in the “Waiting Room” of this world before eternity, here is my Christmas list for those grasping for the Light in a world that has gone very dark.
No more waiting rooms, no more waiting for test results, no more shattered hearts. No more grief that sucks the life out of you. I look for the time of turning swords into plow shears, and hearts softening and turning to Jesus who holds the keys of death and hades, but also holds out the perfect gift which is himself, so we never have to worry about the latter.
You’ve got this because He’s got you. We know firsthand the flipside of Gloom and His name is Jesus.
Earth, strike up your music, birds that sing and bells that ring; Heaven hath answering music for all Angels soon to sing: Earth, put on your whitest Bridal robe of spotless snow: For Christmas bringeth Jesus, brought for us so low. Christina Rossetti
Then God said, “Let there be light, and there was light……” in the muck and mire of this world’s mess the way we know it today, there is still and always light. This morning, I was surprised by the crescent moon peeking through the window where I usually see Venus. (She hadn’t come up yet).
I thought, how could someone not believe? How could they just take for granted the moon still hanging there after all these years? Sitting there on this spinning planet, that’s what I thought. And of this verse….
For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities–His eternal power and divine nature–have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. Romans 1:20
Everything was perfect. Everything according to God and creation itself, was good, beyond good. In fact, even in our skewed version, dulled and marred by the effects of sin’s corrosion, it is still blindingly beautiful at times. Can you even imagine how it was in the beginning? We are squinting through a keyhole, closing one eye to get a better view. The Bible puts it like this:
“Now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” (by God) my paraphrase in parenthesis.
I always look for hearts in creation. Do you see it? God’s love spills over into all creation, us being His very own crown jewel. His love beats throughout all things. It’s so easy, looking around at the chaos we’ve created down here to forget who is truly in control. But we can be assured, God remains on the throne.
Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? 22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. 23 He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. 24 No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff. Isaiah 40: 21-24
If you haven’t yet sensed it, we are in a Spiritual battle that has raged since sin entered the world. And if you don’t believe in the concept of sin, there is not much I can say. The battle is heating up, but we don’t have to fear. We know the outcome and God is in the business of restoring our crumbling creation, and our crumbling souls too if we let Him.
Israel is being persecuted all over the world, such as we never thought we’d see again after World War II. We are seeing history repeating itself, and God is watching. He is waiting for the right time, and prayerfully, we are waiting with Him. The Prophecies have all been fulfilled. All except one. The time is short, as Billy Graham used to say in every sermon:
“Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.” 2 Corinthians 6:2
I leave you with hope and the future as it will be someday, from the book of Isaiah…….God is, and always will be in the business of loving, and restoration:
Isaiah 2: 1-4: The word which Isaiah the son of Amoz saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem. Now it will come about that in the last days, the Mountain of the house of the Lord will be established as the chief of the mountains andwill be raised above the hills: and all the nations will stream to it. And many peoples will come and say, “Come let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of Jacob; that He may teach us concerning His ways, and that we may walk in His paths.” For the law will go forth from Zion and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem. And He will judge between the nations and will render decisions for many peoples; and they will hammer their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not lift up sword against nation, and NEVER again will they learn war.
I don’t know about you, but that sounds mighty good to me about now.
There are those days when I want so badly to write but nothing comes. Today was one. I started a whole blog post but felt as if I were digging into a place I didn’t want to have to dig out of. Mentally. It’s a beautiful Indian summer day. Can we still use that term? I used my fluffy blanket last night which makes me happy going to bed. Even if I have to throw them off during the night in a fit of clammy huffiness. Then I awoke with a feeling of the ground shifting (not an earthquake). It’s not quite fear, just uneasiness. I fished my phone out from under my pillow, pulled up You Tube, and found an Abide called, “Peaceful Night with God (Stories for Sleep) within about 15 minutes I was fast asleep. They don’t work for everyone, my friend tried it and she kept waiting for a story with a beginning, middle and end. They don’t do that, rather they meander around like some Jazz tunes do.
Anyway, I have felt uneasy the last few days, and I remember this morning that the second was the day my mom went to Heaven. The second was Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar; the Day of Atonement. Tradition holds that one’s fate for the coming year is sealed on Yom Kippur, which determines if their name is written in the Book of Life. That’s the really big most important book. This is how you can know you are there: https://bibletruths.org/is-your-name-written-in-the-lambs-book-of-life/
Yom Kippur commemorates the day when Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the 10 Commandments which God Himself wrote on with a finger of lightning. Of course, after praying and fasting, he came down and found that Israel had fashioned their own god (small g). They had got tired of waiting. Don’t be too judgmental, I can remember many times in my life when I got tired of waiting for answered prayer and I’m sure you can too. All I have to do is try to put my phone away for two hours and I realized just how close I come to worshiping something man-made.
Anyway, it’s a beautiful day. I’m going over to feed my aunt’s neighbors’ cats, then go to church and after that attend our local Fall Festival downtown. I asked God this morning in prayer if He would shift the insides to sunny instead of cloudy gloom and it seems like He’s done it. (Thank you God) The best thing we can do on any given day is to be thankful. Being thankful is the best way to Worship God. And don’t forget to thank God for your washer and dryer. Having to go to a Laundromat for 8 years is extremely humbling. Just now, a train blew through, and I thank God for that. I always pray that the conductor won’t have to worry about someone passed out on the tracks. (It’s happened many times) I remember how I missed trains in Arizona.
Of course we are thinking about 9/11 2001 today. We are also grieving about the senseless act of evil yesterday. The murder of a beloved conservative leader. How do we go about continuing on with life when something like this happens? I remember well, the numb shock of 9/11 so many years ago. I feel much the same today, though circumstances were much different. Disbelief and awe, grief and sadness. How to keep going in the wake of tragedy?
Charlie Kirk was a man who stood unashamedly and boldly for Christ, and Christian values. When he was only 18 he saw a need to create a forum where kids could get together and have free discussion without fear. He founded the organization Turning Point USA. He encouraged open and honest debate on both sides. He worked tirelessly up until the time he was gunned down in cold blood yesterday.
How are we to go on as a nation when people have to fear retribution or death for disclosing their views in a public forum? We have to go on living, but not as if nothing has happened. We go on living but not unchanged. We go on living because that’s what Americans do, but in this time in history we need to stand up and not stand down. For too long we have allowed ourselves to be bullied into submission by a culture that wants us to feel guilty for loving our country or daring to believe what the Bible says.
Never in a million years did I ever think I would see such hatefulness from fellow citizens in my own country. Never did I think I would see two assassination attempts on a current sitting President. I hid my Trump sticker after he won the Presidency, and I would never dare to wear a MAGA hat in public for fear of being shouted down or even shot. Believe me, I’ve seen it. This needs to stop.
For a long time, our American culture has been slowly growing a cancer, and now it has fully metastasized. The question is how did we get here? Somehow, we have become a society that applauds the murder of someone whose views we disagree with. A prominent newscaster yesterday, after Charlie Kirk was mercilessly killed at a public event in view of thousands of people had the audacity and bad taste to say that his words probably caused his murder. I quote: “hateful thoughts lead to hateful words, which then lead to hateful actions.” Please tell me what those hateful words were, because I never heard any.
This is a symptom of a deep soul sickness that desperately needs a cure. I have heard distressing things all over the internet today, of all days, that people were celebrating Charlie Kirk’s death. Last night two little children wondered why their Daddy didn’t come home.
So how do we respond today? We need to pause. We need to silence the voices all around us. Give this the memorial space it deserves, like we’ve been doing for years with 9/11. And those of us who believe know that this is a Spiritual battle that will ultimately be won. So today, we need to pray, and after we’ve collected ourselves, press on. For the good of our country and our world.
There is only one Cure and hope for the nation and the world in which we live. That Cure is Jesus. His redemption plan is the remedy for the sickness of sin and death. He stands ready to deliver us. I need him, Charlie is with Him today, and I pray the shooter finds Him before it’s not too late.
“You can kiss your family and friends goodbye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world, but a world lives in you.” Frederick Buechner
Yes indeed, even if they are gone from this world. Recovery seems to be a big issue now, there are reams of writings and data, and the library is filled with books on how to stop one bad habit and replace it with something healthier. I wonder, did anyone even say the word a century ago? I think mostly they were too tired at the end of the day to even wonder about the word, let alone the actual thing itself. I think of my grandma and grandpa coming to California, starting over after leaving their farm, animals (some of whom they thought of as friends), not to mention their little girl’s grave. If anyone needed recovery, certainly they did. But they just buckled down, worked hard, learned English as their second language, and carried on. I have grown up listening to the stories.
And I am proud to carry some of their DNA. I wonder, how much of those experiences have carried down through me, buried in my own DNA. I like to think there is a strength I have borrowed from them. There are also other things floating around, the not so good things. On my paternal Grandparents side there was alcoholism. My Grandpa recovered, my grandmother did not. I carry some of that DNA as well. I have battled my own love of alcohol with several come to Jesus moments over the years. Counselors say that we need to know our weaknesses, keep a journal. Write down when you want to drink, get angry, eat compulsively. I know one thing, addictions can kill body, mind and soul. They want to obliterate the best that God wants you to be. Paul says this:
O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.” Romans 7:24,25KJB
So, we are terminally ill without Jesus. You can read all the self-help books you want; and sometimes they do have their place but ultimately, they turn your mind inward and get you to focus more on yourself. What we need is something bigger than ourselves. I concede with the Apostle Paul that unless I have Jesus, who is the only one who truly never gave into temptation, I have limited success in this life and none in the next.
I am one of those people to whom a party is not good news. I immediately stress out in mixed groups. If there was alcohol served, I was slightly relieved. Then I made sure to have a drink before I left for good measure. Now, thanks be to Jesus, I still get anxious, but I pray instead.
As I do most times, before I got to sleep last night, I thanked God for the roof over my head and thought of those nearly under the freeway sleeping in the dirt in the midst of their own garbage. It’s epidemic here in California. It’s so easy to play the us versus them game. I am guilty of that. I wonder why able-bodied young men choose the streets and addiction rather than just getting a job. “But God,” I prayed, “Help me to not see them as just the sum of their parts. Not just people who steal and throw garbage everywhere, but people that have gone wrong.
Just like I’ve gone wrong so many times in my life. Just like we’ve all gone wrong. It would be so tragic is there was no remedy. But there is:
Hand Jesus your life. You will never regret it. Trade the band aid for the Cure. It’s not easy, but its effects have immediate and eternal ramifications. Message me if you want to know how. Believe me, I’ve been there.
“But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 15:57NLT
Yes, I should be in church but here I am at home. And sometimes it’s okay.
Shades still pulled against the half-light of dawn; I opened this little book that Mom had given me as I do from time to time. Sometimes it encourages me to read things she wrote. It helps to fill the gap she left. I miss the way back when of her, before others highjacked the person she was. Alzheimer’s for one. The others shall remain nameless, and it no longer matters because those have already been cleared up having been swept away when she left this earth. When you get older as I am now, you tend to think of Heaven more. At least I do. Of course, I imagine how physically perfect it will all be but the part I long for the most is that there will be no dissention. No disagreements, no misunderstandings, no suspicion, no lack of trust, no sin.
After all, it was a lie that first tipped the world off its axis. And it’s more lies that have continued to wreak havoc on our world today. Four little words…….”Did God really say?” There are lots of things our first mother could have done at that point. The most obvious one to me is she could have simply turned to God. (He was readily available at that point) “Hey, God a little help here, this creature is causing me to doubt what you said!” Or maybe the kind of arrow prayer many of us use on a daily basis, “Help me, Lord!!!” She could have done what I do when I need a refresher on what God actually did say in a certain situation. After all, I second guess myself all the time on what I thought I heard.
But no. She believed the slick beauty of who was speaking and doubted the fact that God had her best intensions at heart. Don’t blame her though, I think most of us would have done the very same thing. Maybe not Enoch, since the Bible says he walked with God, so much so that he didn’t actually die, God just beamed Him up.
This Sunday morning, I echo Jesus words. “Let not your hearts be troubled, believe in God, believe also in me.” John 14:1
I came across a sermon from my old Pastor in Arizona which encouraged me greatly, maybe it will you as well. I am posting the You Tube link here.
Be of good cheer, keep on praying for the President because that is what God calls us to do. I earnestly hope these words reach someone that needs to hear them. We all need comfort and healing of different kinds and grace, always grace. So far, no bombs from Iran in this direction. The world is in distress, but we know the answer. It’s always Jesus. Getting to know Him is the one thing you will never regret.
I end with Paul’s salutation from the book of Galatians, which I love: “Grace and peace to you from God our father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave himself for our sins to rescue us from the present evil age. ” Galatians 1:3,4.
Oh Lord, lead me through Your Psalms as I try to sleep.
Let me find that green pasture and still my mind like those restful waters, instead of the churning thoughts that crash and swirl preventing sleep.
Restore my soul to what it once was, let me find that unreachable place that just hovers out of sight. Remind me Lord that when I feel lost I don’t have to search for the path of righteousness on my own.
You have already provided the Path in Yourself. You are the ram caught in Abrahams thicket once for all. We have everything we need in You Lord. My cup runneth over with Your Spirit even though right now You lay so quietly in my soul.
I know you are there. And maybe this is the lesson you want to teach me. To trust even when my plate is empty. To hope even when shadows of death blow around me. To know that we have the victory.
The grave is nothing but an April fools joke for believers.
“My hope is in what the eye has never seen. Therefore, let me not trust in visible rewards. Let my trust be in Your mercy, not in myself. Let my hope be in Your love, not in health, or strength, or ability, or human resources.” Thomas Merton
Ash Wednesday reminds us of our universal frailty. At lease it should. We are all just walking dust, after all. Our waking lives are filled with equal measure of it. Frailty, that is. Being human means that in every given moment we can simultaneously feel “blessed” or “stressed” beyond measure. Haven’t we all felt that shadow of “dread” that can come upon us even when things are going well? It’s like the feeling of falling mentally. For those of us who feel the very real feelings of social anxiety it’s kind of a normal state of mind. It can be considered a weakness, but for me, it amplifies my dependance on God. I guess that’s kind of what the Apostle Paul felt about his particular “weakness.”
The Bible doesn’t say what that weakness is, but it’s been fodder for speculation in many discussions and Bible studies. Going back to Ash Wednesday, I like the tradition of wearing the ashes outwardly, although I have never actually gone to a church that supplies them for application. Most Protestant Churches don’t offer them, but maybe they should. I tend to wear mine on the inside.
I have recently had my anxieties amplified by going without alcohol for 30 days. It’s a bit like having the band-aid ripped off the rough edges of life. It was something I felt I needed to do for a time, after being prompted by lots of introspection (and prayer) brought about by the Bible study I started earlier this year. It was hard. Day 3, I was wondering if I could actually pull it off. A genetic predisposition of Alcoholism ran from both Grandparents on my dad’s side. My Grandmother died at a young age resulting from a love of the bottle, and my grandpa quit after being given an ultimatum by his second wife. It was a deal breaker, and he quit forever, to his credit.
It skipped a generation and landed on and my brother and me. We both shared a love of drinking. My brother died unexpectedly in 2023 as a result of many health issues, some of them accelerated by excessive drinking. So, this has become a part of my journey at this (late) time in my life. Better late than never, I guess. It was time. One my own personal thorns of the flesh that needed to be put to death. We are all in good company. Even the Apostle Paul wasn’t exempt.
As Paul said of his personal “thorn in the flesh”:
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.2 Cor. 12: 7-9
So, this can be encouraging, whatever your weaknesses are. No one gets out of this life alive. But as Christians, even in the midst of our “ashes” we can be encouraged. For when we are weak, Christ’s resurrection power rests on us! I don’t know about you, but as I get older, I am more confronted with more and more weakness.
Today, I wear my ashes inside, carrying about the dust of immortality. Always, carrying about in my flesh the knowledge of how close I came to the licking flames of hell, but also knowing I have escaped it only because of the Cross and the terrible road Jesus walked for me.
This my friends, is cause for celebration. Easter is coming. And in the midst of this life, we can have joy unspeakable and full of glory!
Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and though you do not even see Him now, you believe and trust in Him and you greatly rejoice and delight with inexpressible and glorious joy,1 Peter 1:8
I have been grappling with the right words to write for weeks. It’s been exactly 60 days since I heard the panic-stricken voice over the phone say, “Lori, Ron is dead.” It was my brother’s friend Margaret who went to check on him after he stopped replying to our texts and calls.
There are moments that split the timeline in a life and that phone call was yet another one.
Three family members in two years, gone. I still pause several times a day and hear the whisper, like a breeze flowing through my soul that tells me he’s not here. And how can that be?
Death, the Bible says, is a mystery. How can people in your life be here, breathing, walking, talking, making decisions (or not); then simply disappear with a wake of a life left behind. I find comfort in knowing he is in Heaven. I was there the day he made his declaration of faith, Easter Sunday 81 or 82 if my memory is correct.
I remember thinking he looked gallant and humble that day. Handsome and tan in a white shirt walking down the aisle like a lone male bride. My Aunt and I were in the choir that day singing selections from “The Messiah.”
Flash forward 40 or so years. And time, and time and time, like the Steve Miller band song says, “slips into the future” and my brother’s soul flew like an eagle to his Heavenly home.
In childhood, I idolized him. He looked after me when we were small. On family trips we slept together in the back of the Volkswagen with the seats folded down. I remember that. Other things stand out. The time we made a pact not to bicker and fight anymore. (Didn’t last) and the Birthday party where he and a friend attached prizes behind the sheet draped clothesline so my friends and I could “fish for prizes.”
In high school, he was the star athlete, the popular one. I was the quiet book nerd. In the ebb and flow of life, we drifted apart over the years but came together at different times, usually when crisis hit.
I had utmost respect for him as a caregiver when his first wife got cancer. He never left her side, caring for her until she passed away. And at the worst time of my life when my husband died on our honeymoon he flew to Mexico and stayed until we could bring his body back.
He has left behind a special needs daughter who will be 21 this December. My brother could always make her laugh with his silliness. She also shares his love and compassion for animals. I’m so thankful she has such a great Mom.
There are mountains of stuff and mountains of decisions to sort through and I am still in somewhat of a state of disbelief. I see a gray Ford truck coming down the street and I still think it might be him.
I was the first to hug him, all our lives. He never made a move to hug me first. That just wasn’t his way. I wish I would have grabbed him and hugged him the last time I saw him. But I didn’t know. We never know. I also didn’t know how depressed and lonely he was ever since our parents died in 2021. I wish he would have let me in. I wish I would have been more sensitive.
It sounds like a Hallmark cliche to say that we never know when it will be our last moments but it’s also true. If there is any value, any lesson I can learn (or relearn) from loss going forward it’s this:
“Do what you can live with after they are gone.” That is the best advice and it’s what my bestie Elaine always did and said while she was caregiving for her parents.
I miss my brother. I know he is at peace and I am getting there. I will close with a letter he wrote his first wife shortly before she died, and these are his words:
Your grace and courage in passing from this life cause me to fear death no longer. And, as you said to me one time before you departed, “Ron, I won’t just be waiting for you to arrive in Heaven, I’ll be waving you in.”
